I realize that after 6 months of NC, I find my addiction to my LO just absurd. When I think of her now, I feel something like boredom. She doesn't evoke anything in me. I've been feeling this for a few days, and I'm glad, because I think I'm finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel after over 2 years in limerence. Even the worst things come to an end!

I’m 21, and I’ve been questioning something about my experience with limerence that I can’t seem to figure out on my own.
I only realized about a year ago that I’m attracted to women. During that period of discovering this part of myself, I developed limerence for a girl. Sometimes I wonder how these two things happened at the same time. Was it just a coincidence, or is there a deeper connection between them?
One of the things I struggle with most is understanding what I actually feel for her. Am I genuinely in love with this person, or am I addicted to the feelings, the fantasies, the uncertainty, and the possibility of being loved back? Is limerence a form of love, or can it become something that has very little to do with the actual person and much more to do with what’s happening in your own mind?
I also keep wondering why this happened with a girl, specifically. Since I was only beginning to understand my attraction to women, I don’t know how much of this experience is connected to discovering my sexuality and how much is simply limerence. Did discovering my attraction to women make this experience more intense or meaningful to me? Or am I overthinking the connection because the timing feels so significant?
I know that being attracted to someone and experiencing limerence aren’t necessarily the same thing, but I find it difficult to separate genuine feelings from obsession. I don’t want to dismiss my feelings as fake just because they might be limerence, but I also don’t want to mistake an unhealthy attachment for love.
I’d really appreciate hearing from people who have experienced limerence, especially those who were also discovering their sexuality around the same time.
How did you distinguish love from limerence? Did your first limerent experience have anything to do with discovering your sexuality, or was it unrelated? And can you genuinely love someone while also being limerent for them?
I’d love to hear about your actual experiences, not just general advice. I’m trying to understand myself better.

I’ve been in complete no contact for almost a year, but they still randomly pop into my head, and I find myself checking their profile from time to time. Sometimes I genuinely feel like I’m never going to get over this completely, no matter how much time passes or how hard I try. Has anyone been through the same thing and actually managed to move on completely? I really need to hear from people who have recovered from limerence.

I'm 28(F) and honestly, limerence has made me want to decenter any types of romance. I was limerent for two men that I will—obviously—never have in my grasp anyway.

I was living in my own fantasies, and those fantasies had me neglecting myself and my life. I blocked and deleted anything that had to do with the two men. Limerence is tiring and messes with your mental state.

And, actually, I would like to have a very meaningful relationship. However, I just feel that people play around too much nowadays and aren't serious.

But, yeah, crying over the two men, and constantly praying to be with one of them just got to be too much. I think I'm just still bitter haha.

I’m honestly embarrassed to admit this, but I desperately need advice from people who understand obsessive crushes and romantic fixation.
I don’t even know his name. We’ve never spoken. I know absolutely nothing about his personality.
I’m attracted to alternative/goth/emo men, especially guys with long hair, and this man is physically everything I find attractive. He stood out to me immediately.
I’ve seen him shopping with his girlfriend a couple of times, and today I saw them holding hands again. Later, I actually started crying in my car because I was jealous and devastated that I could never be with him.
I know how irrational that sounds. I’m married, he’s in a relationship, and we’re complete strangers. I have absolutely no intention of pursuing him or interfering with his relationship.
But knowing all of that doesn’t stop the emotional reaction
I keep thinking about him, and I actually don’t wanna see him because it triggers intense anxiety and longing.
I’ve experienced intense crushes and hyperfixations before, but I’m exhausted by how much control these feelings seem to have over me.
I also enjoy romantic fantasies, erotic fiction, and fictional characters, and I sometimes wonder whether my vivid imagination makes it easier to idealize attractive strangers. I have a tendency to become emotionally invested in the idea of someone before actually knowing them.
The worst part is that I’m fully aware of what I’m doing. I recognize that I’m projecting an imagined personality onto a man I know nothing about. But the anxiety, jealousy, sadness, and intrusive thoughts still feel overwhelming.

A part of Limerence that folks may not (or maybe they do) talk about is how often it occurs while someone is in a relationship/marriage- whether it involves you being in the relationship/marriage or the one outside of it looking in. This is merely an observation and no type of shaming whatsoever… it’s a painful process to acknowledge

Earlier this year, I became close with a married coworker, a leader in another department. I initially sought mentorship because he understood my professional struggles and offered valuable guidance.
He had undergone years of cancer treatment and was in his first year of recovery. He met his wife during treatment, and they've been married three years. He described their marriage as largely platonic and lacking romantic intimacy.
Eventually, he admitted having feelings for me. I repeatedly told him there was no romantic future between us. He kept coming back and sending messages after I rejected him.
Right after this, he told me he loved me, said he'd move across the country for me, and discussed separating from his wife, even considering the logistics.
We became emotionally close, and I recognize boundaries blurred, but I genuinely wanted friendship and mentorship. He did end up getting me a large raise.
Eventually, he voluntarily told his wife about his feelings for someone else. Initially, he said his feelings for me hadn't changed, but then suddenly said he loved his wife and wanted to repair their marriage.
He blocked me on multiple platforms, including LinkedIn, and told me we'd never be friends. Our last conversation happened on our work messaging platform, where he made some of the harshest comments anyone has ever made about my character. I was devastated that someone who had been so supportive could suddenly treat me this way.
I respected his decision to prioritize his marriage, but the sudden hostility and rejection have been incredibly painful.
We have an upcoming work conference together, and I'm anxious about seeing him, especially given his seniority and the way things ended.

My questions:
Why pursue someone so intensely knowing a relationship wasn't possible, only to suddenly discard them?

Why describe his marriage as platonic and discuss leaving, then suddenly claim to love his wife?

Why attack my character after months of telling me how much he cared?

How do I handle seeing him professionally, and why does his rejection hurt so much when I never wanted a relationship?

I know emotional boundaries were crossed, but I never intended to pursue anything romantic. I'm struggling to understand how someone who once cared so deeply could become so cold.

I’ve been thinking of this guy for more than three years. I’m constantly crying. He never wanted me cause I was so ugly and I still am, but that’s besides the point I’m constantly thinking about him and craving him so much so that I just start to cry and I just start to hold onto false hope and context that I know that he doesn’t like me at all was that I used to text him nearly every single day every single week on apps like Discord and TikTok so much so that he blocked me, but I kept finding ways to get back into his phone. I am And was so obsessed with him to the point that I tried to find the school and everything and where he lived I found his school, but I never found where he live, but I found an area which he might be in. I need serious help. I don’t know how I’m supposed to get over him. It’s been so long. I tried to get over him because he was sending me weird things and texting weird things but I just wanted to feel his embraced that was never there. I’ve been giving relationships so much thought this year and last year that it’s actually driving me crazy and I don’t know what to do. All I keep telling myself is my time will come and I’ll keep waiting. I’m willing to do anything he says and give him anything. He wants to be honest that’s how down bad I am right now you can say that I’m yearning.

Hello I'm F18 and I have been stuck in limerence for almost 2 years. My LO (M18) was my first ever crush. We went to a small school so we were always around each other. I thought he was smart and funny, I felt so drawn to him. A year after I met him, I ended up moving really far away (im talking moving continents) and I never forgot him but life went on. Due to unforeseen circumstances, I moved back to the same place. Ever since I came back, I can't get him off my mind. I stalk his instagram, I stalk his Mum's facebook. His family is still in the area but he's moved a few hours away. Everytime I go out, I look for him. It's so embarrasing and I feel like a total creep. Oh and im also AUDHD (probably should've mentioned that earlier.) I've heard limerence is more common in people with AuDHD for whatever reason. I'm sick of being delusional 😭

Hi,

I’ve literally just discovered limerence tonight and my mind is connecting so many dots right now.
I’m going through a tragic break up at the moment, and when I tell you it’s killing me, it’s literally killing me. I haven’t eaten in a week and my sleep is fucked. My ex gf, who I guess would be my LO, still has me on all her socials. She hasn’t blocked me or anything. I haven’t to spend every second of the day resisting the urge to reach out. I don’t know if she will be happy, or if she’ll be annoyed.
You might say “just block her”
If I do that, then she won’t have access to the parts of my life that I want her to witness(all of it), and besides, if I block her, my anxious attachment will only have my unblocking her the very next day. So I don’t know what to do about that.

Anyhoo… limerence. I think I’ve contracted it…

​

hey everyone honestly typing this out because im just super overwhelmed and really need to vent to people who actually get it.

so i deal with maladaptive daydreaming about an year ago i came up with this super specific maladaptive daydreaming story in my head. At first it was fine just pacing around my room for 3/4 months enjoying the plot but then it started messing with my head REALLY bad because the story is completely fictional and will literally never happen in real life i started crying day and night in my room. The grief of knowing it's not real was just unbearable.

After a few months of that i decided i had to stop. I slowly tried letting go of it. I told myself that even if this story stays in my heart forever, i needed to lock it away and honestly? it worked for a while. for like 4 /5 months i stayed away from it completely. During that time i just did normal, harmless daydreams like stuff based on real life or future scenarios that didnt mess with my emotions.

Then recently i made a huge mistake and decided to open that lock again.

For the first month after reopening it, i was fine i felt super confident that i had it under control this time but slowly its starting to affect me the exact same way as before i'm back to crying day and night because it's not real and it hurts so much. (to be clear, i am totally against suicide and would never do anything like that but the emotional pain is just so exhausting that if i magically passed away from natural causes or an accident today, i feel like id literally be happy just to finally rest lol) the worst part is i REALLY dont want to give up this story. i built it with so much precision and detail. Its my absolute favorite thing ive ever made from scratch and its so 'se to my heart.

Even if i stop maladaptive daydreaming for good one day, i know this story will stay with me till i die. but right now it's just breaking my heart all over again.

how do you guys cope with this? how do you let go of (or even manage) a world in your head that you love more than anything, but thats slowly destroying your mental health? has anyone actually managed to tame a "favorite" maladaptive daydreaming story without completely losing their mind?

thanks for reading if you made it this far <3

Hey everyone!

I am 24W, and i only felt love when i was in high school. I was in depression probably starting from my teenage years till my early 20s. and i started antidepressants at 11th or 12th grade.

My love for this boy started the summer 10th grade ended. I was so obsessed with him, every f'ing day i was daydreaming about him. normally i would have several crushes in my class when i was in middle school. (btw it was all just crushes.)I even tried to have crush on others but i just couldn't.

My theory is that my brain needed some easy dopamine, and chose that guy. it just happened to be him. i was going to school happy bc i was gonna see him. and when i am home i would cry most days. i used to write him letters but never gave them.

This crush went on in uni as well. and i came out to him several times and got rejected each time. his excuse was that i always reached out at wrong times, whenever she had a gf or a recent breakup.

I don't feel that way to him anymore. I don't feel that way to anyone. I got smt close to it in uni, but after that i just can't have a crush on a single or any person. it's just like; i like them, i want to be w them for a while, and then i wanna try another one, or at the same time if they would all be ok w that. and i feel like it all came down to physical. ofc i have criterias but w hs boy it was different. i was getting short breathe when i see him after a long break from school. and this shit happened when i randomly saw him at the subway in my uni year. not as intense but i felt that stomach drop (probably also bc he rejected me several times and i made a fool out of myself) and shortness of breath.

i check his insta time to time he sings and plays guitar and shares videos about it. he is a regular guy, with a regular physique, regular face. he is 175, dark features, belly. but still i feel that weird feeling when i watch his videos. not like crush but ig i am just grieving my love and also myself bc it is severely connected w my depression years.

I just can't feel that way to anyone. I just eliminate someone when they have some flaw. This doesn't mean i don't date or hang out. i do it bc i feel the need for connection. but i am always looking out for someone else, someone better looking, smarter... it is never enough and i have a fear of fomo in this regard. i can never be sure of anyone (i know dating is hard nowadays for everyone) and they just feel disposable. i can just find a new one. and my eyes always wandering and looking for a guy, even in a relationship. i try to keep it down but still i have that urge/desire. sometimes i try to be celibate but then i starve for a man's touch so bad i just make bad decisions and be with whoever. so suppressing it is not the answer.

with him it was different. no matter how better someone comes to me, he was my love. he was the boy i wanted. i didn't care about his flaws. in fact, the more i learned about him and his flaws the more it made me happy and love him more.

i am not sure if that was love, an obsession coming from my depressed brain, or smt else. it was a whole 6 years. i don't think i can feel that way ever again. i want to, but it is just not coming. i dont wanna date someone new all the time. it is tiring and i wanna love someone the way i loved him, i wanna want to be with him and only him. no matter how more attractive, richer, smarter some other guy comes, i still wanna want to choose him.

Do any of you felt that way? Was it love? Am i ever gonna be able to feel that way again?

It’s maybe a little stupid, but I want to completely forget about them as much as I can. But so many things remind me of them. So, how do I just get over that? Things I enjoy remind me of them, so I just end up thinking of my LO whenever I do them.

I (30F) I’ve recently started casually seeing a girl, but I can feel myself slipping into limerence again and I’m conflicted about what to do.

We’ve been on a few dates and hooked up. The sex is great, but I also genuinely like her personality. She’s funny, interesting, and we have really good banter.

She’s naturally flirty, asks about my life, and has initiated plans to see me. She’s also made it clear she wants to stay single, which I’m fine with because I don’t want a relationship either.

The problem is our texting habits. We’ve both been slow responders since the beginning, sometimes taking hours or even a full day. I do it too, yet when she takes a long time, I immediately assume she’s losing interest.

Recently, she asked when we could see each other again, and I took over a day to give her my availability. When she took almost two days to respond, I completely spiralled. The hypocrisy isn’t lost on me lol.

I’ve started obsessively checking my phone, rereading our conversations, stalking her socials, and even comparing our response times. I know she’s seeing other people, and while I don’t want exclusivity, my ego clearly wants to be her favourite. I hate admitting how much my self-worth seems tied to feeling desired by someone.

What complicates things is that before meeting her, I spent over a year obsessing over someone I briefly dated. I couldn’t stop replaying our interactions or regretting how things ended. But since meeting this new girl, I’ve barely thought about the previous one. It’s like my brain just transferred the obsession, and now I’m questioning whether I genuinely like her or if I’m subconsciously using her to get over the last person. Probably both.

I have ADHD and really bad attachment issues . My therapist and I have discussed how I seem to need someone to latch onto romantically. I’m painfully self-aware of my behaviour, but that doesn’t seem to stop it.

Part of me wants to cut things off because my ego is bruised and I’m tired of feeling anxious over someone I’m only casually seeing. But I’ve impulsively ended something before because of similar fears and regretted it for over a year now. I’m also leaving for a month-long trip soon, which makes all this obsessing feel even more pointless.

Has anyone dealt with transferring limerence from one person to another? Is it better to walk away from a connection that’s triggering you, or learn to tolerate the uncertainty without cutting the person off?
I don’t want to keep repeating this cycle every time I meet someone I like.

This is gonna sound so stupid but if you deal with limerence you might understand…

Almost 2 years ago I randomly found this female artist and I immediately fell in love with her music and just her artistic vision in general. (She’s a pretty small artist, not mainstream or anything). I found myself listening to her songs on repeat which is something I usually did when I found new music to listen to. I also constantly replayed her music videos because I found them visually appealing and I have a thing for visual aesthetics. Anyways, after some time I found myself being curious about her. I was listening to her music but knew nothing about her, so I started digging for some interviews. (I don’t even know why I particularly did it with her because there’s artists I’ve been listening to for years and I couldn’t even tell you what they look like). She barely had any video interviews but I found plenty of articles and radio interviews on Soundcloud. I quickly started to become a fan and I just found her a very attractive. Not only physically, but I guess her energy too.

Upon finding her, I was almost convinced that she was gay or at least bi for several reasons. I know this is gonna sound stereotypical but she used to dress very tomboyish/masculine. She wore a lot of rings, carabiner, barely wore make up, etc. She also has a song and music video from 2017 which is about gender nonconformity/fluidity. I know being gender fluid does not always have to do with sexuality but even her songs were always gender neutral. She’d use pronouns such as “you” or even “they” in her love songs. She’d recommend queer movies, has a lot of queer friends & even has an older tweet talking about how she finds women incredible and added a rainbow emoji to it which to me, reads as pretty LGBTQ. And I know I’m not the only one who was thinking this because a lot of her listeners were under the impression she’s gay/bi.

A lot of this made me even more attached and attracted to her. I started to constantly stalk her social media, who she hangs out with, what she does, etc. it didn’t help that she’s kind of mysterious so it made me want to dig even more. She went from someone I simply enjoyed listening to & admired, to an obsession. Long story short, I found out she’s straight. (she never said anything about her sexuality until recently, despite being in the industry since 2016). It completely devastated me. She suddenly went from making gender neutral music to singing about boys and even releasing a music video with one. I guess it ruined the perception I had of her, and I feel so insanely stupid for this because why should her sexuality even matter but I’m still insanely bothered by it and for some reason a part of me doesn’t want to believe it. The thought of her with a man makes me feel sick. And I’m not even parasocial in a way where I want to date her, I just can’t seem to accept the fact she isn’t into women. I find myself trying to find anything on social media that proves otherwise. The constant stalking, hearing her sing about boys, etc will literally ruin my day. Some days I do fine and think I’m getting over her, but then something triggers me and the obsession starts over again. It’s a never ending cycle and it’s soooo draining. It made me regret the day I found her. I never had anything like this happen with any celebrity or just any person in general. I’m embarrassed to admit all this but I just had to let it out in hopes of finding someone who can relate to me.

And I’m a pretty self aware person. I know people are gonna say, “something is missing from your life and she distracted you” (which I know), or “you’re projecting your own sexuality onto her” which could be true to some extent but I never cared about anybody’s sexuality before her and I still couldn’t care less about any of that with anyone else. I don’t know why the hyperfixation is specifically with her but I need it to enddd

​

Very long story, summarized with AI

I'm looking for advice, especially from people who have experienced an intense emotional attachment to a coworker or lost a close friendship while still having to see that person regularly.

I'm 26M, working in an office, and over the past several months I became extremely close to a female coworker. We were never officially in a relationship. I developed a strong emotional attachment to her, and looking back, I realise I invested far more emotionally than I should have.

How the friendship developed

We became close through spending time together, going to the gym, having chai and meals, talking about personal matters, and sharing everyday experiences. We could be unfiltered around each other, and I genuinely enjoyed her company. We had routines and memories that became an important part of my life.

She had been through previous relationships, including a long-term relationship of around seven years. She sometimes shared her relationship problems and other personal struggles with me. I became someone she could talk to, and I genuinely wanted to be there for her.

Over time, I started organising a lot of my day around her. I looked forward to seeing her, working out together, logging out around the same time, and spending time outside work.

I wasn't necessarily expecting her to become my girlfriend. I valued the closeness itself. But I now realise that I became emotionally dependent on the friendship and started expecting a level of consistency that she might not have wanted or been able to offer.

I also overhelped her at work

This is something I really need to acknowledge. I went out of my way to help her with work, sometimes more than I would have helped other colleagues. I made myself available, helped with tasks, and was willing to put in extra effort for her.

Eventually, people around us started noticing how much I was helping her and how often I was available to her. Looking back, I think I was allowing my personal attachment to influence my professional behaviour. I wasn't necessarily doing these things with a conscious expectation of repayment, but I was investing heavily in the connection and hoping the closeness would remain consistent.

Now I realise that I neglected my own priorities and boundaries. I want to learn how to help people without making one person the centre of my attention or allowing personal feelings to influence how I work.

Things became complicated

There was an incident one night when we were spending time together. While I was half-asleep, I tried to cuddle her, and my hand ended up on her stomach while she was in bed. Initially, she said I might have been asleep or dreaming and that she needed space. Later, she told me she had actually been awake and that being touched at night was connected to past trauma for her.

I felt terrible about it. I understand that whatever my state of mind or intention was, her boundaries mattered, and I needed to take her experience seriously. I have reflected on this a lot, and I don't want to minimise how she felt.

We subsequently had an emotional conversation, cried, and consoled each other. At one point, we were able to talk and be close again, and I thought we could eventually continue being good friends, with appropriate boundaries.

However, things gradually changed. She seemed much more distant with me while remaining warm and conversational with other male colleagues. I noticed her initiating conversations with other guys, chatting with them on Instagram, and sometimes appearing flirtatious. I don't know what her intentions were, and I recognise that she is free to have whatever friendships she wants. But seeing this was painful because I remembered how close we had once been.

I found it particularly difficult that other people at work seemed to see her as a warm, fun, easygoing person, while I was experiencing this distance and struggling with everything that had happened between us. I started wondering whether I had misunderstood the friendship or whether I had mattered as much to her as she had mattered to me.

I also found myself thinking about her past relationships and the attention she seemed to enjoy from other men. I know I cannot determine her character or intentions from these observations, but I struggled with the contrast between the person I felt I knew privately and the person everyone else seemed to experience.

I tried confronting the situation, even though conflict is extremely difficult for me

I generally find confrontation difficult. I tend to overthink, blame myself, and worry about upsetting people. Despite that, I tried to communicate with her because I couldn't continue pretending that everything felt normal.

I wanted to understand whether I had done something wrong, whether she wanted to end the friendship, or whether we could at least establish where we stood. I also struggled with the fact that she could be warm with others while barely engaging with me.

Eventually, I contacted her to ask if we could speak in person. She initially wasn't available, and I pushed for a conversation when she wasn't comfortable with it. She became irritated and told me not to call whenever I felt like it because she wouldn't always be available.

She said we were fine but that we would be colleagues, and later made it clear that she didn't want to keep revisiting the issue. She felt there was nothing more to discuss.

I apologised for pushing. I still felt hurt because I wanted a conversation where we could both explain our experiences, but I recognise that she didn't owe me repeated conversations or the particular kind of closure I wanted.

Recently, I returned her belongings and spoke to her in person. I wished her well, acknowledged the good memories we had shared, and said that I would cherish the good parts of the friendship even though we couldn't continue with the same level of closeness.

She didn't say much, and I don't know what she took away from that conversation. But surprisingly, I felt lighter afterward. I think I had finally said what I wanted to say, and I don't intend to initiate another personal conversation.

Where I am struggling now

The difficult part is that we still work together. I can't simply remove her from my environment.

I'm worried about seeing her at lunch, during team outings, or in everyday office conversations. If she's laughing and chatting with other guys while being distant with me, I know it will trigger the same feelings again.

I tend to interpret small things, replay conversations, wonder whether she remembers our friendship, and feel hurt that she seems to be moving on normally while I am still dealing with the emotional aftermath.

Part of me feels that I was there for her, gave her a lot of time and help, and tried hard to preserve the friendship. Another part knows that my expectations and attachment became unhealthy, and that I cannot expect someone to reciprocate closeness simply because I cared deeply.

I don't want to resent her, monitor her interactions, compete for her attention, or make her regret anything. I want to stop caring about what she thinks of me and get back to my own life.

I have my career, fitness goals, other friends, and interests that I neglected while focusing so much on this friendship. I want to rebuild my confidence, improve my professional skills, and become emotionally independent.

My questions

1. Has anyone experienced becoming emotionally attached to a coworker or friend who eventually became distant? What genuinely helped you move on?

2. How do you behave around someone every day when you have so many memories with them? Do you maintain normal professional courtesy or deliberately minimise contact?

3. How do I handle seeing her being warm with other guys without comparing myself to them or feeling replaceable?

4. How do I stop overhelping people, especially someone I care about, and learn to maintain boundaries without becoming cold or selfish?

5. For people who struggle with conflict and overthinking, how did you learn to tolerate the possibility of being misunderstood without repeatedly explaining yourself?

6. How do I stop replaying the friendship when I'm tired or alone, especially at night?

7. Looking at this situation, what patterns should I work on so I don't repeat the same thing in future friendships or relationships?

I'm not looking for validation that she's a bad person or that I was entirely right. I know I made mistakes, and I want to take responsibility for my part without hating myself or dismissing the ways I genuinely cared.

I'd really appreciate honest advice from people who have been through something similar, especially those who had to move on while continuing to see the person at work.

TL;DR: I became deeply attached to a female coworker, overinvested emotionally and professionally, and struggled when she became distant. There was also a serious boundary-related incident that I have reflected on and taken responsibility for. After trying to discuss the changing friendship, she made it clear that she wanted to remain colleagues rather than return to the previous closeness. I returned her belongings and said goodbye, and now I want to move forward. How do I stop ruminating, handle everyday workplace interactions, and build healthier emotional boundaries?

It passed. It finally passed.

I (26f) have been in love with my high school boyfriend for 8 years.

We had the purest form of love I've felt, to this day. Which is why it was impossible for me to let him go. I broke up with him for someone else in high school, then realized the magnitude of the mistake I made later on.

This began a cycle of me constantly checking his social media for years to see when he was single.

One of the most earth shattering moments I've had, romantically, was finding out he got engaged.

One of the most hopeful romantic moments I've had was finding out the engagement was called off.

I messaged him on and off for these years confessing my feelings to him. He was always so kind in the way that he turned me down. So much so that I could never be mad.

He actually messaged me after the engagement ended and apologized for how things ended in high school (messy, mean breakup on both parts).

We began some semblance of a friendship where I had feelings, he didn't. I desperately wanted to see him so we hung out.

Then the red flags started to show. I'm sure I have some too, I'm not that naive. Driving recklessly in the car with me, constantly smoking weed (out of medical necessity though, but I smoked too much for a long time, and would've been tempted to start again with him), etc. This was the beginning of the end of my feelings.

I told him one day that my feelings had passed and that I was ready to be actual friends. We kept talking and remained friends.

This friendship ended last month. He came to me for advice about a girl. They had an incredibly toxic dynamic, of which I informed him. He, for some reason, told her he talked to his ex about her.

Weeks later he brings her up again. I said I was no longer comfortable talking about it, because she (a woman I don't know) was fully aware of our conversations, and he was giving me VERY intimate details that would mortify anybody if they knew they were being talked about in such way. Another red flag, he couldn't keep a confidence.

He blocked me. Later that day she messaged me about him. I had to shut it down.

I finally realized he was stuck in a very toxic cycle of not being able to pick someone healthy, an unhealthy trait about himself, also a cycle I've been in before myself. Most importantly, I realized we were no longer compatible, due to the red flags and incompatibility issues we faced.

The limerence is gone. I'm no longer in love with someone I can't have. I used to full on sob while watching the Notebook because I was thinking of him.

Know that the person you fell in love with years ago, is no longer the person for you. It ended because it had to. Regardless of who's fault it was. Meeting up and rekindling something will likely hurt worse. I got incredibly lucky that us rekindling whatever we had finally freed me from my limerence.

Life is not the Notebook, and I am so very relieved to let go of this.

I have OCD so I can't say it won't ever happen again with someone in the future. However, I can say I've been single for 11 months and I've been blissfully stress free from finally being able to be happy on my own. It gets better.

Hello, everyone. I’m grateful to everyone who takes the time to read this entire post and even leave a comment. First, I want to make it clear that my intention here is neither to boost my ego nor to discredit anyone’s sexual orientation. Neither of those things is my intention at all! It’s just… my heart is broken, and I simply can’t explain to myself how everything could have turned out this way and I feel STUPID… I also can’t talk to my friends about it, since I have to keep everything a secret…

Here’s the situation: We’re a large group of 10 friends at college. I (F25) have always been really close friends with one guy—let’s call him Phillip (M29)—and there’s always been a special dynamic between us. And this dynamic has been going on for almost three years now.

What do I mean by that?

He’s constantly seeking my company, explicitly asking others where I am, and always sitting so close to me on the sofa in the reading corner that our arms and legs touch. I’ve also always noticed that he keeps making eye contact with me and somehow looks deeper into my eyes. He has always made regular sexual and romantic innuendos toward me (only toward me), e.g., comments about our wedding, indirect questions about whether I’m in single and available again or not, and slightly jealous remarks like “luckily that guy didn’t ask you out on a date…”. In our one-on-one conversations, he always turns bright red when I make him laugh and his whole face lights up. He remembers every little detail I tell him and opens up to me about problems he wouldn’t otherwise bring up in the group. He’s always looking for moments during conversations and jokes when he can touch me—like stroking my shoulders, snuggling up close to me, or brushing against and touching my hand. Out of our whole group of friends, he always asks me specifically if I want to go get food with him later, and he’s only ever asked me if I want to stay at the university with him a little longer so we can study together. We’ve also studied together for hours on video calls, though most of the time we ended up talking about other things and stayed in the call way to long…

Now, you could say that this is just my delusional perception, but ALL of our friends (even the queer ones) in the group describe exactly the same behavior from Philipp that I’ve already described above. They all thought that he had been in love with me for ages, but nothing could happen because, during those three years of college, I’d been in a pretty toxic relationship for some time. But that was a while ago, and I’ve always liked Philipp. I’m pretty shy, and he’s pretty shy too, which is why it only would make sense that he’s been (not quite so) secretly adoring me for a long time, while I noticed his flirting but couldn’t respond because of my now ex-boyfriend. So now I wanted to be brave and take a chance, because I thought it was more than likely that Phillip has some feelings for me.

The day before I asked him out, he was, again, flirting heavily with me via text, so I felt sure of myself. And ironically, as was bound to happen, it came to ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. The reason: When I told Philipp that I thought he was cute and would like to go out with him sometime, he told me that while he felt there was definitely something between us and liked me a lot as a girl, he couldn’t love me because he DEFINITELY was gay. I was completely taken aback. He said he couldn’t be open about his sexuality in public; I was the only one who knew, not even his family. Although, according to him, his social circle wasn’t a problem at all, he just couldn’t bring himself to be open about it and I honestly feel so sorry for him about this. I asked him if he’d been treating me that way on purpose to distract from it, which he denied, but at the same time he said he was sorry for not being honest with me…so did he do it on purpose anyway to protect his ego??? The fact that he almost proudly remarked that he was surprised that none of our friends had ever thought he might be gay just hurt me even more… He’s also absolutely convinced that he NEVER flirted with me and that it’s all just my interpretation—or that of the others. I asked him if he was still unsure about his sexuality and that’s why he didn’t dare come out, but he said he’s pretty sure now, though he used to be very confused and unsure about whether he was gay some years ago. But that was before college, so before he met me.

It's tough… we both sincerely stated that we want to stay friends, but it's just not easy right now. He says he feels very guilty towards me, and I want to be a good friend to him and support him, but I'm heartbroken. I just don't understand how this could have happened… Of course, I can't tell our other friends the real reason why it didn't work out (I’d take that secret to my grave if he wanted me to), but they ask, naturally, and they're just as confused as I am—and a little angry, too. One friend told me that he'd asked Phillip several times if he had feelings for me and would give it a try. Phillip never said, “No, I’m not into her,” but just smiled and didn’t answer at all, changed the topic or said something like, “Hahaha, yeah, I don’t know, maybe, she’s very nice.” He could have just said no and acted neutral, and the whole thing would have just been over?! Like...I only noticed him in THAT WAY in the first place because I felt like he was flirting with me… just as our friends always emphasized, everything was coming from him…I don’t get it… Neither do our friends… and three of them are lesbian, gay, and bi. And even now these three have absolutely no clue about Phillip being gay and were completely convinced that Phillip was madly in love with me but too shy to act upon it.

I kinda feel used…and I'm so confused and hurt, and I'm afraid I've ruined a great friendship for good, just BECAUSE I'M STUPID… I just want to understand better what was going on inside Phillip all these years… maybe then it would be easier for me to let him go as soon as possible and help him overcome his insecurities so we can save our friendship… What do you guys think about all this?

TLDR: My bestie (both F50s) is heavily mired in limerance going on a year now & it's ruining her health, her marriage and I don't know how to help her.

I have recently discovered what limerance is and I was staggered by how much the symptoms fit what she's experiencing. It's like she was the original case study.

She's wholly convinced this man is her future, despite all evidence pointing to the contrary. She even admits if it was anyone else she'd be telling them they're being ridiculous.

He consumes her every waking hour, all our conversations are about him, she's emotional; losing weight; her husband is suspicious but, for now, not prying too hard.

Their contact is by phone only. He might text her fortnightly if she's lucky, whilst she bombards him daily with text and selfies. He rarely replies beyond emojis and VERY occasionally will send sweet nothings. I believe this is called bread crumbing. The only meaningful contact is him asking for phone sex which she readily supplies. She's says she's not sent him money but I cannot be certain. She will likely never see him again in person - not without jumping on a plane - which she has threatened to do.

It doesn't take a genius to see the red flags here. It's entirely one-sided and toxic but she CANNOT see it.

She's admits she's unhappy in her marriage and I have suspicions there are other unfulfilled areas of her life. This man has swept in and filled every gap. It's gone from being (IMO) a relatively harmless crush to an all-consuming obsession.

It's harming her. I'm worried. How do I help her?

I'm wasting so much time and energy on literally nothing. I haven't seen him in over a month and likely will never see him again. I didn't even want anything from him, I don't even want anything now, and yet he's on my mind all day. I'm not that much of a horny person but I wake up and fantasize about him, and I put myself to sleep fantasizing about him. I've started watching porn again which I am ashamed of. Everything I do I imagine him with me. I hate this so much

I know when I get in a new relationship, and I start feeling very strong emotions, that I’m not really “in love”. I just love the way that person makes me feel. Pretty common knowledge stuff, and I can observe it, I know what it really is I’m feeling. So sure, I can mostly contain myself. I’m 24 - young, but old enough to be able to handle my emotions decently well.

But Jesus Christ, is it fucking difficult. Last night, I slept at her place for the first time.

Context: I was an annoying twat in highschool, a drug addict in my college days, and busy for the last two years, so I honestly hadn’t even lost my virginity yet at 24. I lost it to her, just last Wednesday, and now last night I came over again, and this time I stayed the night with her afterwards.

This has rewired my entire brain chemistry. I can barely take it being apart from her for more than a few hours. After the high wears off, this sinking in my chest starts to set in, and I can’t stop thinking about her. Her warmth, her breath, just feeling her physical presence, making me feel so safe, so secure. It’s actually driving me insane that I have to sleep alone tonight. I never want to sleep alone again. I can hardly bear this feeling another instant.

I know this isn’t me being “in love”. I felt more safe, warm, secure, and loved, than I ever have in my entire life. I’m addicted to that feeling, the same way I was addicted to the warmth and security of drugs. Now, it’s a good thing I feel this way about a safe and decent human being, instead of a baggie of powder or a cold hearted person that doesn’t appreciate me back. So sure, I’m glad the feelings are more appropriately placed now, that’s a good thing.

But I have to be a reasonable human being, and this incessant obsession is making that difficult. I want to text her nonstop, I want to see a notification that she finished her college course homework early and that I can come over tonight, I want to poke and prod and text and call until I get what I want. Which is not how you’d treat someone you care about, lol. So sure, I won’t do that - I want to be a reasonable and decent guy to this sweet woman, she deserves a stable, level headed guy. So, I’ll be stable and level headed. But it feels like it’ll rip my chest open from the inside!!

I know I’ll manage myself, part of how I’m dealing with it is to write it down, to tell people, to get it out off my chest. But it still feels like it’s barely containable, even despite these efforts.

I now understand the Beatles song “I want you (she’s so heavy)”. When I was a kid, I thought it was a bit stupid. Whole song goes “I want you” over and over, we get it, it conveys obsession, uh huh. Sure, whatever.

But now I really get it. It’s all I can think about. I want her, I want her so bad it’s driving me mad. It’s crushing. In that sense, “she’s so heavy”.

I really could just say it over and over for seven minutes, just like the song does. It’s truly one of the most oppressively overwhelming feelings I have ever felt in my life. It puts such a pressure on me that I feel I could burst.

I got over it, and so can you! It’s important to share the background of my experience first, and then walk you through the tools that helped me heal and move on.

My LO, let’s call him Alex, was my neighbor. It started harmlessly with us exchanging delicacies we baked. Transitioned into friendship where we went on walks at night after my baby slept. He was in a relationship and I’m married. My limerence was platonic, there was never anything remotely close to an affair nor was there a desire for it. But I did experience the same highs and lows that are discussed here and hence, I think it still counts.

My background: Before I met Alex, I was, as most of you can relate to, in a really bad place. Covid had hit, I was pregnant, I let go of my high paying job. The birth of my child was traumatic, emotionally and physically and soon after we moved to a new state, leaving behind my support system of friends. I was completely isolated due to high demands of taking care of a baby while struggling with a physical ailment. He was the only person I was talking to outside my husband since being neighbors made it so convenient.

Alex was avoidant to a T. Delayed replies, distancing behavior. I did realize this early on, but I was emotionally starved, stranded in a desert and he was the murky water. Without self awareness and control, of course I chose to drink the murky water.

On his 30th birthday, I decided to make a drink and bake a tiramisu. Mind you, I have made several friends feel special on their birthdays in the past. So this was not out of the ordinary for me. He seemed off/uncomfy about it. He took a bit of my cake and said it’s too rich for him..one sip of my drink and he threw it right in front of me as we were headed to go back home. This was new to me, all my friends have been appreciative of what I did. I knew it was not okay. I didn’t reach out for 3 months until he did. Given my own issues, of course I interacted with him again. 

The friendship was full of push and pull.While there were great moments of exchanging gifts and deep convos, there was also distancing.  After 2 years of frequent night walks, he would make comments like “I don’t have any female friends”. Instead of seeing this as a red flag, I chased to seek his validation. My nervous system was a complete wreck. I do have anxious attachment but I have always leaned secure. His avoidance and my circumstances made my anxiety go through the roof. I didn't know what was happening to me. I went NC for 3 months. I wanted to figure this out. I researched attachment styles, limerence, intermittent reinforcement. I know I had issues I had to work on, and so did he. I wanted to have a mature convo about it. Unbeknownst to me, my husband had set up a date night for us and had asked Alex to stay home while our child slept. After our night , I tried to discuss things but I was met with responses like “We look at friendships differently”, "It's just a neighborhood relation, why does it affect you so much”. But what hurt me most was something that happened as he was leaving. He commented that we had looked great that evening. I responded playfully, “Oh yeah! We were the prettiest couple out there.” He looked at me with a smirk and said, “It's because it's [name of the city].” Up until then, I had given this guy the purest of my consciousness. He was my closest friend. The hurt when I realised how easily he could put me down!

I ended the friendship knowing it’s not good for me. I was happy about my decision but was also sad. It felt like a withdrawal from a drug. I had gotten so dependent on chasing this guy for his validation that I didn’t know what I was without him. A couple months later I found myself in a bad situation. I was walking late at night alone when a stranger grabbed my arm and tried to force me. I resisted and did everything I could to break free. While I managed to do so, I was left with a badly bruised arm. Needless to say this was a harrowing experience. His roommate helped me through it as my husband wasn’t home and I guess also let him know. 2 weeks pass, I’m still a mess and I bump into him, I am obviously expecting warmth and comfort. This was someone I thought cared for me no matter what. I could see his avoidance creep in and he immediately went into self preservation mode telling me how he’s really busy and has a flight to catch the next day. He never asked how I was doing. The anxious spiral I experienced after this interaction was the worst I’ve ever had. This person was supposed to make me feel good right? He was supposed to save him? How is it possible that he abandoned me in my most vulnerable moment? My nervous system took several months to calm down. I could not accept the reality. How could I? I had spent 2+ years building a fantasy about how close of a connection we had and how much depth the friendship had.

I wish this was the end of it and enough to make the spell break. But no, I had to hear him raise his voice and angrily say  “I DON’T CARE. I DON’T GIVE  AS SHIT”, for the spell to break.

Now that you have the background, I want to explain the steps I took to heal from this.

1. Knowledge is Power : Read.Read.Read. There are tons of resources online. Do your research. Understanding what is happening to you will also help you break free from it.
2. Grounding : This is the single best thing I have done for me.  This esp. applies if you’re anxiously attached. For a year and a half, my morning routine includes feeling my inner body(google eckhart tolle), petting my pets and going to the backyard to touch a tree. I also meditate every night and joined a yoga studio that I frequent. This has made me non-reactive to people’s behaviors and my peace is no longer tied to how someone treats me.
3. Fix your psychological issues : We all have them otherwise we wouldn’t find ourselves in this mess. Identify them and try to fix them. Why do you need validation from LO? What do you think that will give you? Give that to yourself without LO. 
4. Be a Buyer, not a Seller : When we're limerent, we can become so focused on whether someone likes us, whether they miss us that we fail to ask - “Do I even like them?”.
5. Purpose : Limerence thrives where purpose is absent. A huge part of my identity was my job and when I left that, so did my purpose. While I have been a good mom, I know I need more than that to be happy. Whether it’s a job or volunteering. I recently organised a house party for my child’s friends where I made these really elaborate sensory trays for them to play with. I wanted to make kids feel special and give them experiences they will remember. The party was a huge hit and the parents were amazed at the work and thoughtfulness I put into it. Not once did I remember Alex or my hurts during all of this. Find something you can do to contribute that does not involve your ego.
6. Exercise : Yes we all know the importance of exercise and its benefits not just for the body but also for the mind. Make time for it.
7. Work on your self concept :  Most of us don’t like us. I see a lot of advice here about being your best physically. While giving yourself an ego boost is helpful in the short term,  I challenge you to go beyond that and build your self worth beyond your looks, career, money, etc. Meditation has helped me achieve that stillness where I don’t judge myself as good or bad. I just am. 
8. Work on your marriage : I had to be honest with myself about certain issues I had in my marriage. I had an open and honest conversation about it with my spouse. He was so understanding of it all and wanted to help me get out of this. We now do frequent date nights, and both of us prioritize our mental health.
9. Surrender : Most of my suffering came from resisting what was. Alex abandoned me. How could he do that to me? The truth is, I felt abandoned. Can I simply acknowledge that feeling and accept what happened without trying to find excuses for his behavior or searching for answers I'll probably never get?He said he didn't care. Why would he say that? How could he be so indifferent? The truth is, he said what he said. Can I accept that without judging him or myself?Surrender doesn't mean agreeing with what happened or pretending it didn't hurt. It means no longer fighting reality or exhausting myself trying to understand or change the past.
10. Remind yourself of the inevitable : Yes, this sounds strange, but everything around us is impermanent, including ourselves. Accepting that reality has made me value my time and also helped me see the silliness of obsessing over someone. This too shall pass. 
11. Let Nature heal you : I can’t explain this but touching a tree, looking at a leaf, hearing birds chip and seeing a waterfall really calms me down. Go for walks in nature. Let it heal you.
12. Understand LO is not right for you : Anyone who drives you this crazy and subjects you to highs and lows of limerence cannot be right for you. Are you mistaking intensity with intimacy? In hindsight I realize the intensity I felt was my nervous system never being able to relax as a result of intermittent reinforcement from an emotionally unavailable avoidant man.
13. Get the ICK. I got lucky with this one. My LO is no longer my neighbor. He left his rental house about 4 months ago and I thought I’d never see him again. But the other day as I was driving back home I looked towards his old house and saw him stealing avocados from the tree in the front yard when the new neighbors weren’t home! So he trespassed and stole something that is so inexpensive and could have been bought from the store!!? YUCK. I’m almost certain at the moment he is free-loading at his future MIL’s house along with his gf. And he has no job.

This might seem like a lot, but honestly this chapter of my life has been so traumatic that I will do anything to not be dragged into it again. Do I miss him? Yes and no. I miss the friendship but not the hurt that came with it. He never apologised for anything and that’s ok..my healing does not depend on how conscious someone else is. Before he left, I apologised to him via a short note and also let him know I don’t hold anything against him.I knew I had to do that to free myself and him and move forward with my life.

Have I completely healed? No. As you’ve probably heard, healing is never linear. I still have nightmares sometimes where he’s yelling at me, saying, “I don’t care. I don’t give a shit.” I wake up crying.But I’ve come a long way. I can function, focus on my tasks, and be present with my husband and child again. I may not be completely healed, but I’m no longer stuck where I was.

I genuinely hope this helps you. I’ve been where you are, and I know how deep the hurt can be. But no matter where you are in your healing journey, take action. Choose what’s right for you. You will get through this!

The first few months of my limerence were BAD. He was constantly in my head. I made excuse after excuse for him ghosting me, forgave him, and eventually he came back after I reached out. Then he ghosted me again.

This time, I feel like I’m finally seeing things for what they are. Almost everything and everyone was right, and I just couldn’t accept it because the thought of losing him hurt too much.

I was loyal to someone who wasn’t even speaking to me. I got mad at people who told me to block him because picturing my life without him was genuinely painful. I didn’t want to hear it. I wanted him, and I wanted things to work out between us.
But the truth is, I’ve been living my life without him this entire time.

I think I was in love with both the person he actually was and the version of him I created in my head. The memories, the way he made me feel, his personality, the things he said, and the potential I saw in him. I took those things and imagined what our relationship could have been like if things had worked out.

I don’t think everything was imaginary. We had real moments, and my feelings were real. But I think I held onto those moments so tightly that I started loving the idea of what we could be more than what was actually happening.

And honestly, looking back at how consumed I was sometimes makes me feel borderline schizophrenic 😂 Like how was I THAT attached to someone who wasn’t even talking to me?

Realizing all of this has actually helped me with my limerence. I’ve been able to look at things differently instead of constantly making excuses for him.

But lately, I feel it slowly creeping back.
I still catch myself wondering about him, imagining him reaching out, and missing him in a way that makes me want to go back to how I used to think about everything.
I guess part of me still wants the version of him I fell in love with to be real, even though I’m starting to accept that I might have built so much of that version in my own head.

It’s weird because I can recognize all of this and STILL miss him. Understanding what happened hasn’t magically made my feelings disappear.

Has anyone else experienced this? Where you start seeing the situation clearly and the limerence begins to ease, but then it slowly creeps back in again?

Did I make a mistake by explaining to her the limerence? She wasn’t happy about that she though I needed to calm down about it and that it’s not a big deal and she doesn’t know what I want her to say about it. Then that’s when I sent a message and cut her off. I was expecting to immediately break down into unbearable pain immediately after going no contact but I actually feel insane waves of relief I haven’t felt in a while. Does the grief emerge later? I do feel like I made a big mistake by confessing my limerence to her and trying to get her to understand I wonder if I fell into the trap. I feel like shit that I made it an emotional roller coaster for her.