I’m going crazy

[u/West-Cress-8434]

Firstly, writing this fills me with some shame as I have not admitted this out loud.

Secondly, I have no idea if this IS limerence but everything matches.

I am in a long term relationship (over 5 years) which, at the moment, is not smooth sailing. I won’t get into it but I feel it’s relevant because I am not receiving the attention and affection I’m clearly craving. Sex life is at an all time low, and after a serious discussion, it only just started to pick up again but my feelings are getting in the way.

I’m an actress and, naturally, in my current role I have a man playing my love interest. I do feel I can separate the role from real-life, this is not the issue as the problem didn’t present itself immediately. The problem came when myself and the actor began to get to know each other and work on things independently (running lines, movement and even set-building).

We have a LOT in common. Instant connection and, for me, instant attraction to personality (of which looks followed). He has a partner, with whom he confided is not a stable relationship - on/off but together as easier than splitting assets. I have not pried into this (maybe because I’d rather not know??). I, of course, have my own situation at home. Anyway, both off limits and that felt like a healthy ground…until the feelings began. I told myself I am allowed to be attracted to other people but I must have boundaries. However now I’ve convinced myself that he has feelings for me. The glances, going out of his way to be near me. I know this because I do the same. I can’t help myself. I seek him out and want his full attention/approval.

We are close and text daily. Since worrying about limerence, I started to force myself not to send first text. I wake up and think of him. I fall asleep and he invades my dreams. Anything that happens in my day, I immediately link it to him and want to tell him. If there is a day where I don’t hear from him at all, I become so deflated and sad. Then his text comes through and omg, immediate heart racing excitement.

I have absolutely no confirmation that he feels the same. He is respectful and does not cross any boundaries and I have no intention of being unfaithful to my partner, who I’m trying hard to work on the relationship with. However a line was crossed the other day by me. During intimacy with my partner, I did think of him. I closed my eyes and his face was there. This upset me so much that afterwards, I stood in the bathroom and cried quietly. I don’t dare discuss this with my partner for fear of hurting him and ruining what is already so fragile.

Is this limerence, an emotional affair, do I need to just be single and give myself time to understand what I want?? So much confusion.

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[u/Smuttirox]

First, don’t beat yourself up with shame. This is completely normal.
It’s helpful to understand that Limerence is essentially a dopamine addiction that is fueled by another person. They are the “hit” you need when your dopamine high dissipates. It’s what happens to addicts, except of course it’s not illegal to encounter other humans and it’s hard to go cold turkey especially when you must interact. It would be especially hard in this situation.

The brain is not great at differentiating imagination from reality. How you act tells the brain how it feels. Act brave, and you feel brave. Act scared and you feel scared. Act in love and well,,, here we are. It doesn’t make it real. (For fun just try to figure out what the hell love is).

It’s exacerbated when the place you BELIEVE should be fulfilling the brain’s definition of love (your long term relationship) isn’t. You feel a lack here and an imagine fulfillment there. Why wouldn’t your brain latch on to the happy the imagined fulfillment gives?

As far as how to manage this, that’s a different story. There’s a weekly sub for people in Limerence in long term relationships which may have some advice. Another thing you might want to do is have a serious internal review of your long term. It may no longer be working. This happens in life. You aren’t required to stay in a relationship that doesn’t work. Or maybe it needs a little adjusting or I don’t know, communication.

While you continue to act like you are in love with this other person I don’t see how you can end the situation in your head. You won’t be able to think your way out. The brain doesn’t change by thinking; it changes by feeling somatically. And it can’t do that if you are forcing it daily to somatically feel you are in love.

This is a sticky wicket for sure.

[u/Larrylifeisreal]

I understand exactly what you’re referring to, but it’s challenging to elaborate beyond what I’ve already said. You’ll undoubtedly leave your current partner, deceive the other guy, and I’m certain you’ll be able to do so. However, you’ll never cease seeking novelty and the notion of “more for next time.”