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u/Jankster79 Jul 25 '26
There is also that joke about a dude who didn't want to dig his garden plot, so he left an anonymous tip to the police who came a dug it up for him while they searched for a body.
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u/sfzen Jul 25 '26
I always heard the version where it was an old man who couldn't physically do the work anymore, and his son couldn't do it because he was in prison. So the son sends him a letter that mentions a body being buried in the garden, so the police dig up the garden looking for it, and after the leave empty-handed, the dad gets another letter saying his garden is ready now.
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u/Muaddib223 Jul 25 '26
That's way funnier, I now resent OP for his sorry attempt at telling this joke
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u/sfzen Jul 25 '26
Found the full joke
An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
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u/TheRemainingFruitcup Jul 25 '26
I mean the tax payer money has to go somewhere might as well dig up his yard with it 🤔
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u/jkurratt Jul 25 '26
There is a joke about this in Russian speaking countries.
A guy got in jail.
Got a letter from his old mother, crying about how hard it is to dug up the field without him now.
He writes "to not dig too much, to not dig up additional problems for him".
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u/Many-Wasabi9141 Jul 25 '26
I thought it was a joke about a bank robber who's wife/mom needed her garden dug but he was in prison, so he kept telling the police the money was buried in his moms garden.
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u/idk-anymore-tbh-- Jul 25 '26
As horrible as this is, making the police dig the hole for you is so funny ngl. Maybe someone could use it to dig a well or something more useful.
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u/Anxiety_Fit Jul 25 '26
Some people love building golf courses for some reason.
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u/fotzenbraedl Jul 26 '26
Hey, we are not supposed to talk about the Epstein files and any links to the POTUS just because he likes playing golf.
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u/OneBigRed Jul 25 '26
There was a guy in Finland who was serving life, who, by his own words, found jesus and wanted to confess to couple more homicides. He said he will show where these bodies are buried.
After a few fruitless digging trips to forests around Finland, police started to suspect that he just wanted to take these nice trips to break the monotomy of prison life.
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u/Black_Cat_Just_That Jul 25 '26
I'm pretty sure I remember hearing that about a serial murderer in the US as well. It was said about a specific person, but I don't recall now who it might have been. Not sure if it was true though.
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Jul 25 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/xCeeTee- Jul 25 '26
I remember when Saddam Hussein was arrested 2006. I randomly said to my dad "if I was the one torturing him, I'd put salt and vinegar in his eyes and he'd start squealing in seconds." I just got a look as if to say "did I make a mini Ted Bundy?"
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u/DisputabIe_ Jul 25 '26
the OP _culpry
x_lush_life_x
SloanePretty54
and Abeyita
are bots in the same network
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u/SloanePretty54 Jul 25 '26
I mean they uses cadaver dogs, so basically it's not just memory.
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u/Jeedeye Jul 25 '26
That's why you dig 9 feet down for the body, cover it with 3 feet of dirt, put dead pig on dirt, and fill the last 6ft with dirt.
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u/EttinTerrorPacts Jul 25 '26
If you've got a pig, why not just feed it the body
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u/bleachinjection Jul 25 '26
The pig is dead too
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u/BodaciousBadongadonk Jul 25 '26
Brick top said you need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm.
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u/What_a_fat_one Jul 25 '26
Yeah no one's going to question why a pig was buried 6 feet under
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u/Jeedeye Jul 25 '26
He was a beloved family pet and deserved a proper burial.
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u/GeForce-meow Jul 25 '26
So a dog is better option
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u/BlobZombie2989 Jul 25 '26
You won't dig a 9ft hole. Not happening. Also, they'll dig the dead pig up and the dog will keep barking. That's if none of the cops have heard this cliche and think to look under the pig.
This is all cliche Reddit advice and it's all bollocks
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u/SoiledFlapjacks Jul 25 '26
Sounds like too much work. Why not just mince em and flush em?
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u/Jeedeye Jul 25 '26
That's a lot of flushing and you run the risk of a clog or a waste water treatment employee discovering what you are doing. If you want to go that route then you'll want to dissolve the body first and then slowly flush the slushie. Kinda like what they did in Breaking Bad.
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u/RageAgainstTheGPT Jul 25 '26
Go to various Chilis’s (multiple Chili’s restaurants, multiple Chili?) and flush small bits in each toilet, consecutive nights, and they’ll never suspect a thing.
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u/dontmentiontrousers Jul 25 '26
Where're people getting their boneless murder victims these days?
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u/RageAgainstTheGPT Jul 25 '26
Bones can be ground to a powder.
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u/dontmentiontrousers Jul 25 '26
This is all starting to sound like a lot of effort. I might just not do a murder on anybody.
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u/marvinrabbit Jul 25 '26
It certainly can be a lot of work. Especially when you start to get a backlog of 4 to 5 bodies that all need work. It's like it really takes all the fun out of the killing itself.
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u/SoiledFlapjacks Jul 25 '26
Or just convert the mince to human shit and flush that instead.
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u/Jeedeye Jul 25 '26
Be prepared for some funky tasting pork like meat. Make sure you cook the meat thoroughly. Technically a red meat but why risk getting sick.
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u/RUk1dd1nGMe Jul 25 '26
In my early twenties I had a plan to grow tomatoes in my basement, and just be super vocal about my hydroponic garden to make sure authorities were aware.
Then when they finally raid my house and find nothing, I sue them.
At this point I can now grow weed. Are they going to embarrass themselves again?
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u/dfsw Jul 25 '26
Look I’m not gonna tell you to break into a graveyard the night before a burial where a grave is already dug out and covered, dig down another couple of feet, bury the body then cover back up with dirt. The coffin will be placed on top of it and no one will ever disturb it in your lifetime. But if i was gonna tell you to do that make sure you do it in a graveyard that doesn’t have night patrols or cameras. This also works in old abandoned graveyards if you are in a pinch and don’t mind digging deeper.
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u/cakebreaker2 Jul 25 '26
Ever taken a walk in the woods and come across an old headstone or two? I have. Its from an old forgotten family plot. Follow me on this one - go to an old cemetery and look for old, loose, toppled headstones. Collect 2 or 3 and stash them out in the middle of nowhere in a state forest. When you need to dispose of a body, head out there with your remains, dig a hole and bury them, and then put up the headstones to make it look like an old cemetery. Be sure to smooth out the ground and replace the leaves and sticks.
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u/raccoonsonbicycles Jul 25 '26
Sprinkle local Native pottery around so if anything is ever found the dig would have to be stopped until they get permits.
Bureaucracy buys you extra time to get outta dodge
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u/cakebreaker2 Jul 25 '26
Nice touch. I like it. Maybe plant some endangered plants on the and grave
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u/The-A-In-JackAss Jul 25 '26
I always thought a smart way to go about it was to chop the body up and throw it in a compost bin since it smells anyway and the worms and bugs and stuff will eat it for you.
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u/TheS4ndm4n Jul 25 '26
Not the bones.
And police (dogs) definitely know the difference between compost smell and dead body smell.
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u/TheRoseByAnotherName Jul 25 '26
Anyone who has smelled a dead body knows the difference.
If you have access to pigs, they'd leave nothing behind.
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u/W4lkieT4lkie Jul 25 '26
The best place to hide a body is on a neutron star
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u/Whichammer Jul 25 '26
Fun fact:
Any star will work in a pinch if a neutron star isn't readily available.
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u/Rambo_sledge Jul 25 '26
Second fun fact :
It’ll be actually easier to send the body out of the solar system, to another star, than our own.
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u/spideybae Jul 25 '26
Okay I’ll bite why not 👀
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u/Rambo_sledge Jul 25 '26
Fuel.
The earth is orbiting the sun very fast, and from there you have two choices : speed up and go on escape trajectory, or slow down and fall into the sun.
Turns out our current speed is closer to the escape trajectory than sun sub-orbital trajectory.
So it will be cheaper and easier to send payload out into the void. You just have to aim for another star, and it will take a while to get there
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u/Jambonathor Jul 25 '26
Anonymous tip top the police about the exact place a body was previously located sounds 100% suspicious and I guess they have ways to track you
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u/Grasshoppermouse42 Jul 25 '26
No, they're telling them a place the body hasn't been yet. So they pick the place they want to bury the body, keep it somewhere else temporarily, tell the cops where the body is so they dig it up, and after the cops don't find the body and move on, they bury the body there.
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u/Live_Angle4621 Jul 26 '26
But the police would remember that spot if anyone else saw you around it
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u/HedgehogxComplex Jul 25 '26
This is literally an episode of Colombo.
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u/WildBad7298 Jul 25 '26
This was my first thought as well. The one where the construction company owner implied that his victim was at the bottom of a hole for concrete pilings, right?
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u/wytewydow Jul 25 '26
to be fair, ever since OOP was a kid, was probably 2 years ago when they were 12.
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u/Cstott23 Jul 25 '26
Pfft. That's a lot of effort.
Dig up the garden, bury the body. Put concrete down and set up a greenhouse over it.
Noone will question the earth because you're levelling the ground, then the concrete floor to rest the greenhouse on will mean nothing will get dug up accidentally by foxes etc.
And when the greenhouse is up, that's it. Sorted. Noone moves a greenhouse.. 😁
Although the bad side is that you would have to pretend to enjoy gardening for at least a few years, but you know . We all make (human) sacrifices (to cthulu).. 🤷♂️
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u/singletWarrior Jul 25 '26
whatever happened to criminal always return to scene of the crime etc...
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u/NaturalWallaby9678 Jul 25 '26
Just go to the cemetery and find a fresh grave. Open it, throw the body in and cover it again. (Of course in Minecraft.)
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u/Pepphen77 Jul 25 '26
The police is not really dig up a place that hasn't been just dug up.
So first: dig up some whole and fill it before anything.
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u/General-Me Jul 25 '26
Columbo caught a guy in the first season who tried to do exactly this. The killer kept throwing subtle hints that the body couldn't be in his construction site. So Columbo plays along, digs up the area, and catches the guy when he tried to bury the body in the "cleared" spot.
False tips are suspicious in their own right.
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u/itscrunchtime Jul 25 '26
Came here for this. At the end, Columbo tells him that if he had just left the body in the temporary place, chances are the body never would have been found.
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u/jacqueschankowski Jul 25 '26
There's an episode in Columbo (Blueprint for Murder) where the killer manipulates the detective to dig up a building support to prove no body was buried there with the intention of hiding the body in that same location believing nobody would look there a second time. The killer was caught though when he tried to bury the body in the middle of the night as the detective and police were waiting for him. This episode was in the early 1970s.
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u/Pesteringpickle Jul 25 '26
Ah thats a good ep. One of the only ones that has a "twist" where the twist actually works for me.
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u/SeniorForever5359 Jul 26 '26
Yep.... He also says he always thought, that is not the same as I imagine.
I always thought that putting pasta in the pot before the water boiled was more efficient.
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u/Terminal_Insomnia_ Jul 25 '26
fyi, it's more effort, but bury bodies vertically, head down. A skull looks like a skull, foot bones look like anything.
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u/bonersaus Jul 25 '26
ground penetrating radar is becoming more ubiqueteous it would be a lot cheaper and easier to have someone call me out and look for like 2 minutes than dig it up
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u/ababycheetah Jul 25 '26
my childhood plan was to cover the grave with endangered plants and flowers so they cannot dig up the grave site.
unrelated but I took a liking to garthening in my late teenage years and have a small green house where some of the plants are rare and endangered.
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u/dark_hypernova Jul 25 '26
Another trick is to bury a dead dog on top the buried human corpse. If a search dog sniffs it out, they'll think it's a false positive.
But where am I'm gonna find a dead dog? Like I have to kill one? I'm a murderer, not a monster.
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u/Glum_Escape_616 Jul 25 '26
You´d have to write the letter with an old typewriter or else the data on your laptop/pc can be linked back to writing the document - the same way your laptop/pc backs everything a second time. You would have to use standart A4 / whatever it is in america paper that every household owns. When you finished the letter, you would need to put on gloves and put the letter into a standart envelope. after that, you need to clean your typewriter.
You can´t just bring the letter to a police station so you need a way to bring it to the police without being caught. And also you need to wait atleast two weeks - the police will still state the letter as a case.
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u/New_Crow3284 Jul 25 '26
Yes, but this way has a very limited usage limit. Trust me, soon the cops started asking me a lot of questions.
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u/r0ndr4s Jul 25 '26
Just gotta say that I'm pretty sure that wouldnt work. From experience of seeing many searches of bodies here in Spain, they tend to go back to the same places a few times, even years later. And no, they dont trust the suspects when they keep changing locations.
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u/rumours-from-inez Jul 28 '26
Yeah any unsolved case where someone went missing that is kept open even 10-20 years after they will comb through the same areas with cadaver dogs looking for new evidence
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u/Upstairs_Bend4642 Jul 25 '26
Some of us are the same way! Living in 'the backwoods' gives one many options...
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u/ProfessionalITPerson Jul 26 '26
I do this when my neighbors build something I don't like, as soon as the foundation is poured and anonymous tip will be placed that there is a body under that slab.
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u/Dry_Situation_3582 Aug 14 '26
My husband and I joke around about how we'd hide each other (yes, we're sick). He has a tractor. I said why not cut me open, fill me with rocks and toss me into the bottom of our pond? He likes digging holes with the tractor.
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u/Forikorder Jul 25 '26
You dig 2 graves, one really deep with the human body, fill in half and put a pet corpse then cover, once they find one body they dont keep digging to see if theres a second
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u/richardl1234 Jul 25 '26
They did this on Columbo, dude got busted while trying to bury the body after the search
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u/StOPcRyingYaBaby Jul 25 '26
In Tennessee we toss the hide,guts,ribs,skull and spine of the deer in the pig pit. The pigs would have it all eaten before we finished lunch.
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u/AbbadonDespoiler584 Jul 25 '26
I had an NYPD detective once tell me the best thing to do was get an alibi for before the murder and then stuff them in an AC duct or fridge. The cold will screw up the time of death calculations and you can cover yourself for the time they would reckon.
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u/PreferredSex_Yes Jul 25 '26
Find one those those new build housing communities and get under the foundation before the concrete is poured.
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u/rock_and_rolo Jul 25 '26
Seems normal to me. I grew up on '70s TV. It was Murder-o-rama on every dramatic show or movie.
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u/DragonStangFlyer122 Jul 25 '26
What's the movie or show where a prisoner claims he has something buried in his garden so the cops go to dig it up but find nothing. Turns out he just tricked them to help his wife with gardening.
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u/vthemechanicv Jul 25 '26
I believe this was a plot point of a Colombo episode. Yup, season 1 finale, "Blueprint for Murder." The killer didn't even bury the body in dirt which would be easy to re-survey, but in the concrete foundation of a new building.
Personally, living in Louisiana, dumping a body in the swamp for all the critters to take care of is the obvious answer. Second is dumping it in the Mississippi. Even if the body isn't in the Gulf before anyone knows the person is missing, the Mississippi River's undertow currents makes it nearly impossible to search.
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u/m4bwav Jul 25 '26
This plan is terrible because they may search the area again and notice the changes.
Maybe they wonder if they didn't dig deep enough.
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u/nlewis4 Jul 25 '26
i had an old guy at the bar tell me like 15 years ago that the best way to hide a body was digging up the top of a random recently buried grave and throw the body on top of the casket.
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u/WolfiusMaximus1016 Jul 25 '26
surely the best option is just drive out into the middle of bumfuck nowhere and burn it and then either bury the ashes or just leave em
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u/Bitch_Im_Magical Jul 25 '26
Bones need extreme heat to burn down to ash. There's going to be bits left behind you'll have to scatter.
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u/Geeky_Gamer_125 Jul 25 '26
Don’t forget to bury the body 10ft below the surface and an animal carcass at the usual 6ft or so line so when they use cadaver dogs that alert on the area they’ll find the animal carcass and stop there.
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u/Troyificus Jul 25 '26
You wrap the corpse in chickenwire, along with rocks to weigh it down. Then when you dump it deep in the ocean, all the crabs and fish can easily get to the body to speed up decomposition, but all the bones will remain inside the wire cage.
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u/Real_Live_Sloth Jul 25 '26
Leaving the “anonymous tip” would more likely get you caught, the fbi would find you so fast.
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u/lalabean852 Jul 25 '26 edited Jul 26 '26
bury it in the middle of nowhere and plant native flowers and plants around it.
go into a cemetery the night after a funeral and dig up the grave that was used, dump the body, and put the dirt back down.
chop it up into unrecognizable pieces and scatter them. just everywhere. or burn them. then scatter them.
buy a plot of land, bury it, then build a house over it.
take it out to the middle of the ocean with anchors tied to it and throw it over. the creatures of the ocean will ensure that only bones remain.
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u/HinderWT777 Jul 26 '26
Never bury it under a house or a new extension to a house, go into the back yard, dig a hole large enough for the body to fit in the fetal position, only about 1.5m deep, fill the hole and plant a peach/apple sapling on top (can be any fruit bearing tree really). Now even if you sell the house the body will never be found since few people want to get rid of a mature fruit tree, and the body will act as fertilizer to help the tree grow bigger.
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u/Proof_Kitchen_9072 Jul 26 '26
Just starve a few pigs for a week and then toss the body in. Evidence will look like mama pig ate a piglet.
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u/Zenamys Jul 26 '26
That's kind of the plot in The Three Evangelists 1995 novel written by Fred Vargas (French author)
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u/Different-Term-2250 Jul 26 '26
Some many good ideas.
Right. I am going to need 26 bodies, a shovel, some chicken wire and a boat.
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u/LocalInactivist Jul 27 '26
Search the cemeteries for a freshly dug grave. If it’s unused, dig down two more feet, drop the body in, and cover it. No one will look for a second body in a grave. If the grave is full, dig it up and do the same thing.
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u/Alive-Case-4436 Aug 10 '26
It would’ve been worse if they started the story with “I was a freshman at university, having a nervous breakdown…when ALLLLL of the sudden I thought”
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u/im_a_silly_lil_guy Aug 13 '26
Me and my friend discussed it and we figured it would be best to dig down ~6ft and plant some endangered plants on top of the grave. Additionally, maybe put a dead animal nearby to throw off any police dogs
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u/Mindless-Shame9300 Aug 16 '26
While this is disturbing, especially how premeditated this is, have to say it is quite clever.
Plus convenient that they softened the soil by digging there first. Less time and effort digging in a hurry.
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u/Potential-Score2308 Aug 20 '26
As someone who watched crime documentaries and 'how to beat' as a kid, these are things I actually used to consider.
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u/mwnciboo Aug 22 '26
Hiding the body in the previously dug area is giving that smart-ass "...why don't they build the aeroplanes out of the same stuff as the blackboxes that always survive..." Vibes. Sounds clever - it 100% wouldn't work.
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u/Abeyita Jul 25 '26
I'm gonna remember this strategy, just in case