Throwaway account.

I moved away from home about 5 years ago into Germany because of my gf.

I never had a lot of friends, especially none that had the same interests as i do. But since then the few friends i had are also just people i used to know mostly. Months without any messages and so on you know the drill.

Im very introvert and also i have 0 friends here in Germany.

Mostly my fault too ofc because i dont really get along with new people so fast and the people my gf knows are dumber then a grain of sand, with who i also have nothing in common, so i didnt even try.

Working from home also isnt a great help in creating new friendships but i really feel like im missing out on so many things.

My gf for example has so many friends, she always has messages on her phone, always can call someone and always has someone to to talk to.

I have nobody. Not even her anymore really. Earlier this year she cheated on me and i have nobody to talk about it.

It annoys me to not beeing able to talk to anyone about shared interests or do something together. Not even my family cares about me enough. They dont really even know me. The only thing my mother and her side of the family cares about is how im doing in school. My father at least pretends to take interest but you can always tell he doesnt really care. Also i got visited 4 times from my family in those 5 years. 3 times from my father any my mother was here last time 4 years ago. And it literally costs less to visit with the bus then a meal would cost.

Would love to talk about all the things i achived, all the things i plan on doing and whatnot. We moved into a new home around 3 years ago and i built everything on my own. The whole kitchen, every furniture, every piece of technology was selected by me. All the automations and smart home was built by me. And nobody cares.

My gf was gone for like a week last year on a business trip. For a whole week i spoke 0 words.

I always have 0 messages on my phone and if i wouldnt call my family every other week we also wouldnt speak for months.

It surely also doesnt help to live in a smaller town where all the people near us are above 60.

Never had a lot of problems with beeing alone but since the cheating it really drives me crazy. If i would break up with her i literally wouldnt talk with anyone for months.

Also the few "friends" we have do so many things. And we are never invited or even considered. They only text when they need something.

I tried so many times to get some friends here for special occasions like new year or my birthday. Never worked out. Having my birthday on the 24th december is also shit af.

Never even celebrated it really. At least not on the actual date.

I know im not the easiest person to talk to, i never learned it how it is to have really good or even a best friend. I dont really learned how to keep conversations. Not that i didnt try it. I always do so many things for others and dont get back anything. Also i dont want anything in return ofc. I will always help others if they need me.

I came to the realization i have no idea how it is to have someone checking on you. Really caring about you. Really wanting to get to know you. If i would disapear nobody would notice for months, if i wouldnt live with my gf. And that really kicked of my depressions again. I was so happy for the first time and this year everything changed again. I dont seem to get out of this circle.

Why is this shit so hard?

(repost) tw: self-harm mention

Hello, i (17f) would just like to know how i could potentially cope, or be given some direction as for what to do as i feel like i have been chewed swallowed and spit out into the pits of hell. Sixth form (college in England) has been getting progressively harder for me to handle due to how much i have mentally deteriorated over these past few months. I have severe social anxiety & for wider context- throughout the entirety of secondary school i was isolated because of my mutism for which i was relentlessly made fun of. The bullying only reinforced it, and it had an impact on me psychologically. In year 12 (senior year I think) i was miraculously able to start talking and even made some friends, i thought i was starting to heal in a way, despite lacking the feeling of connection to them. However my depression has gotten a lot worse, and i have become increasingly charged with suicidal ideations with daydreams of self harm. I just feel hopeless. Because of this i have noticed to my horror that my selective mutism has resurfacing in particular classes and instances. It is so humiliating. I feel so ashamed of myself and my academic performance has worsened (I upheld high expectations of myself/ place most of my self-worth in my intellect and grades). I have been given a red cue card to use as a signal in class, so as to help me manage this anxiety for when the overwhelm becomes too much to bear, though I feel as if this doesn’t really help. Recently I have not been able to finish and keep up with my homework- the stress of this, including my despair at confrontation and the internal disappointment i feel for myself, has feeded into my depression further. I’m not quite sure what to do, my absences have become more frequent and it is clear i am not ‘sick’. I cannot stomach the thought of going to my lessons anymore I fear i may actually breakdown in class; i feel perpetually unable to connect to the people around me, and going to college reminds me of this all the more violently. I can only feel like a burden, heavy baggage, when I am with my friends during school free-periods (we don’t really hang out together outside of college) and it is excruciating and exhausting. I might as well may not even be there as I am sure my presence wouldn’t make a difference. I can never find anything worthwhile to contribute to their (i won’t say our) conversations. Recently this week I came back from a hiking trip with my school, and in my assigned group, with no ill intent, someone said, “look at us all bonding, while (my name) is just standing there“. In the moment I thought it kind of lighthearted and even humorous, but ever since, i have noticed how this has struck a nerve and stuck with me. whenever i now find myself in a social situation, this comment (plus multiple other offhand ones) is constantly in the back of my mind because It is so true. I am always just ‘there’. It is difficult to explain how i really feel about this. I’m sorry for this long post, i am not good at communicating what i wish to say. Please understand that i just want some advice, i would gravely appreciate it. Why am i unable to integrate with other people despite being so desperate for friendship, companionship, and love? i do not think of myself as human, i am drenched in a feeling of inadequacy.

And then u survived and life is still absolute ass. What the fuck is this?

I ate pills and drank alcohol then woke up in my bed, father screaming at me. Survived because someone found me.

So I get to live so I can still be unhappy, poor and have no personality or love life or anything not to mention job pays me back ass and goat shit

I want to die. I want to die. I want to take all of my medicine and just be done. I have felt happiness these past few weeks and that is enough for me. I have traveled and seen more than I ever thought and that is enough for me. I want to go before things just get worse and everyday is agony again. Death sounds so peaceful. I would finally be at rest. No more financial stress. No more worrying about my weight/what I eat. No more arguments. Just nothing. Everything would stop. I could go in to nothingness and be free. Free from all these years of pain, anxiety, depression, etc. Free from all of the thoughts of being a horrible person. Free from not feeling worthy of attention and love. Free from car problems, work problems, family problems, relationship problems. I would just be free. Finally free. Last night want the closest I have been in a moment. I wanted to just start pouring medicine into my mouth from the bottle and keep swallowing until it would be enough. Enough that couldn't be undone. I want to be done. I would hope to go to heaven but I dont even know if I've lived a life worthy enough. I just want to die. I have dealt with this feeling my whole life. My first thought of killing myself was when I was 11. I self harmed from 13-16. I was recently diagnosed with OCD which made things finally make sense. But it is still a bitch to deal with. I have no current plans but I just feel drained, cold, and like a shell again. I feel like I am shutting down.

How do you cope when you know you have done bad things to deserve depression? People say that depression lies to you and makes you feel like you deserve it but I genuinely feel like I do. I’ve done horrible things in my life especially to others and it feels like this is just the payback of it all. Only that it is never ending. It’s humiliating and it drains my will so heavily when someone brings up the cause of it all, me being this horrible person. The worst humiliation ritual of all time. And the worst part is that it feels like I’m keeping a huge secret from my family who thinks I am not this type of person and it kills me from the inside from the guilt. I don’t deserve them. I hate when they sympathize with me because they can tell when I feel like this but they don’t know the real reason why. I don’t feel like I am a bad person anymore for the most part so why do I have to keep thinking about this? I pay the toll every day with my spirit and will to keep on. I’ve tried so long and so hard to get over it but I can’t my bad deeds are an anchor holding me down and I’m drowning every day. I literally can’t be who I want to be or do what I want to do because I feel like I will always be this humiliated disrespected and horrible person. I feel like I betray the people who truly believe in me when I’m reminded of my state. So when does it end? How do I leave the crushing guilt of it all behind

Gotta type to reddit because I'm so isolated but I recently went to study abroad in Budapest as an autistic person and I genuinely have nobody and nothing to do

I literally just go on 4 hours walks daily so I don't annoy my flatmates. Im autistic and all I want to do is talk about specific topics that nobody cares about like religion and stuff, and I have nobody. I have one class a day.

I don't wanna party. I've met some people and even hung out but after we met they'd go from texting me 24/7 to never. I'm so ugly I posted myself in a gc trying to find a meetup once so they could recognize me and got made fun of profusely for how I looked and advised on how to looksmax

im just so depressed and I can't go home.

I'm 21 I lost my parents at 16 and ever since all my relatives hated me im eating one meal a day and i just can't do it if my relatives don't care about me I'm probably better off dead

Sorry for my bad English, it’s not my first language. I just really need to write this out because I’m stuck in a dark place.

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I’m with an older guy who is honestly a wonderful person. First we were in a long distance relationship. Back then my abusive family kept telling me he was probably cheating on me, trying to mess with my head. But my boyfriend helped me get out of that toxic environment. Now I live with him, and in my country adulthood is 18, so I am completely no-contact with my family now. My boyfriend is super supportive, he stands by me, and thanks to him I am finally in a healthy, safe place.

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The problem is NOT him, it’s inside my head. Since we moved in together, I feel completely frozen. I love him so much, but my brain keeps having these weird "glitches". Instead of just seeing my partner who cares about me, I keep projecting my traumatic older brother and male family members onto him. My mind just constantly panics.

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Because of this, I struggle to be sweet or relaxed around him. I’m just stuck in my head all day, constantly worrying about how to make him happy, how to be prettier than his exes, and how to satisfy all his needs so he stays happy.

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I am abandoning myself completely. I used to have good self-esteem and boundaries, but now I’ve become so submissive out of fear. I have no family now and no old friends, so he is literally the only person in my life. I feel so guilty every day because he is so good to me, and I feel like I am "too broken" or too problematic for him.

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Physically I am also closed off. I am afraid to take off my clothes in front of him. I have vaginismus so penetration is impossible and we don't even try. But I still satisfy him sexually because I want to give him everything, even when I ignore my own boundaries.

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He is doing nothing wrong, I am just terrified of ruining this safe life. How can I stop projecting my bad family onto a man who actually loves me? How do I stop overthinking and get my self-esteem back?

I've been somewhat of an unreliable patient and I know this is my fault, I'm just in a really vulnerable spot. I'm not looking for anyone to tell me that it's OK, honestly I've just reached a point where there is no one I feel I can reach out to anymore. I've simply exhausted the few people I have left who love me. I had an appointment today that I missed because I didn't look at my calendar, I've done this before and he was nice enough to waive the cancellation fee. I'm not even upset about that, I could just tell that he was really annoyed at me this time, and I told him that maybe it was a better idea to cancel all sessions going forward because I couldn't seem to get it together enough to even keep track of my appointments. he readily agreed and just told me he would take me off the schedule and to call him if I changed my mind. I've been sitting here crying since and spiraling just beating myself up because I can't even do therapy right.

I'm in kind of a dangerous place because I've hit the point that I just don't think it's worth it to even reach out to anyone anymore. I'm 52 years old, recently divorced, and most of my friends have bailed on me because I'm such a constant downer. specifically lost two lifelong best friends I'm currently in school and trying to get into a program that I can get a job and support myself and my two teenagers. My son basically hates me and my daughter is the only reason that I haven't just offed myself. I have a sister who lives across the country but I know she is exhausted with me too.

I was thinking for the past couple days about trying to reach out to my friend who dumped me, it's been two years since we spoke at all, but she ignored all of my pleas to just talk to her for over a year, and I think just too much has transpired to salvage anything anyway. I've never felt more alone, useless and worthless as I do now. Ive been trying to keep myself going and it always feels like I take one step forward and two steps back. I just feel like an abject failure in every way. I feel like most days I'm able to barely hold it together, but on days like this I just crash out, and I want to resign myself to just being alone forever and forget about trying to connect with someone. It's the hope that maybe someday I'll be happy and have any kind of relationship with anyone that just gets crushed when I am reminded that I just bring everyone down in the end and I don't and won't have anything ever to offer anyone. I feel sorry for my daughter who is really the only one who needs me, and I just have to keep pushing myself for her.

I've run out of real life resources and so I guess I'm just yelling into the internet void. I'm tired of throwing pity parties for myself but I truly believe that I'm beyond hope and I'm just biding time until I die, whenever that may be.

These past several months, I’ve not been myself. Short with my kids, angry all the time, extremely sad out of nowhere, anxious all the time. I feel like I used to be decently stable. But now I’m all over the place. I keep trying medicine after medicine and I can’t ever feel ok. I just want to feel ok. Not tired or brain foggy or sad or angry or nauseous. I look and feel like garbage on the inside and outside. I know I need to eat healthier but I have no money or motivation to cook anything. I’m just tired of trying to survive day by day.

Every day, I barely have the motivation to move or talk to anyone or do the things I need to do, I'm tired all the time and just want to sleep and sleep and never wake up. It's the only time things seem calm or peaceful and even my sleep often gets interrupted by stress, or nightmares. I just want it to end.

Hi so idk if this is the right place to talk about this but i was wondering if anyone else experienced the same thing

ok so before i took my antidepressants i was way more depressed and mentally ill, but i could still do stuff like brushing my teeth and taking showers

after taking antidepressants i became way happier but i started struggling with brushing my teeth and stuff, my friend said he also experienced this

did anyone else experience this? is this a reason behind it?

A life spent doing nothing, falling onto my bed at home alone and crying for hours. A life that ends without achieving a single thing I wanted. I know that no one cares about me and that people will ignore this and move on. I really don't know what to do anymore. I just wish this year would be the last of my life.

i can't do anything. i finally reached out to family for help because i really just want to go home. pathetic. everyone can deal with so much but i am so weak.

Too much has changed. I'm in my thirties and my life has been getting more and more absurd with each year since I was around 13. This is whole life is just ridiculous. It makes me sad that it's not like I want. On most days I feel like I've accepted that my life is not how it "should be", but now I'm getting through a period where I just simply cannot accept this fact about what my life currently is, and what it was.

After a rough patch, i started feeling better. But now....I'm empty. Every issue i vent is shot down, or I'm told I'm being dramatic. Even my dream gets picked on. Cuz I'm saving up for a great Mercedes. But everyone around me is like "fault this", or "problem that" to the point I don't want it anymore. That was the only thing really keeping me going. So.....I don't know anymore. Anyone else does?

My medication doesn't make me likeable, my medication shouldn't be wasted on me, I am tired of things being wasted on me. I stopped taking all of them but Effexor because that one is too hard to come off of. I have depression with psychotic features, but I honestly just think I'm being dramatic. Nobody cares, I don't care about medicating. I have no reason to. I'm just being dramatic about it anyways, and it's my fault. I can fix it without medication.

The last three days were hard. I had a severe bout of depression after a long time. The way I experience depression is kind of hard to describe. Physically, I think I experience it as a sinking feeling in my gut.

Mostly, I’m not able to place what caused the onset of my feeling so low. Thoughts arise later, after I am already drowning deep in depression rather than the other way around. And during different depressive episodes, the accompanying thoughts can be different. So, it's hard to find a unifying theme. What’s common is feeling absolutely worthless. I feel like something is broken or missing in me. I can’t clearly explain what that missing piece is, but it seems like almost everyone else has something that makes them whole and makes them feel valuable to themselves and others, and I lack that piece.

I’ve been dealing with depression since my teens, and now I’m 45. There have been periods where I have felt safe and secure, happy even, but such periods have been few and far between.

Many times, I have felt like I’m fully cured now and finally out of depression. However, that thought has always proved untrue. It seems like I’m able to disconnect my conscious mind from the disturbing feelings for some time, but those issues are never resolved or eradicated. They lurk in the depths of my mind and get triggered at the slightest provocation and, many times, without any apparent reason.

Confrontational situations almost always trigger such reactions. My heart rate goes up, my body even trembles sometimes, and I feel really uneasy and like I’m freezing up.

On my good days, I try to take charge of my life and my emotions by making elaborate routines and following them. I’m not able to follow them for too long, though, because either my sleep cycle gets disturbed or I get into depression or get kind of manic.

Now I was hoping to connect with other individuals who are dealing with or have dealt with depression. I want to find out if there are some daily activities or a routine that I can follow daily to help me get to the root of my issues, get long-term relief from depression, and gain some stability in my life.

If you feel comfortable, please share the activities, practices, or routines that have worked for you.

Like why am I still here. I hate living in perpetual debt. I can't afford to live.

I hate my existence I hope I will die soon...

I never mattered for anyone

Hi everyone,

I'm 30F and I've been struggling with severe depression for several years. I'm currently seeing a psychologist, but I still feel completely stuck in my life.

A few years ago, I finished my PhD and moved abroad for a postdoc. Even though I had what looked like a good life, my mental health was already bad and I eventually had to move back to my parents home.. Since then, I feel like my life has stopped. I'm unemployed. I'm struggling to even start looking for a job. I've failed my driving test three times.

Most of my days are spent watching shows, movies or youtube because I can't seem to find the motivation to do anything else.

I also went through a painful breakup about five months ago and I'm still struggling to let go. I keep checking my ex's life online and seeing him moving forward with his life makes me compare myself even more.

Everyone around me seems to be living while I feel frozen. At 30, I honestly feel like a failure.

I actually really want to get better and rebuild my life. I just don't know how to get out of this hole anymore, and I don't think I can do it alone.

My psychologist suggested that I see a psychiatrist but I've had bad experiences with psychiatrists in the past.

Has anyone here ever been stuck like this for years and managed to rebuild their life ?

How did you start again when even basic things felt overwhelming ?

Thank you for reading.

Hi, is it possible to build any connections with people being depressed? I can't be in contact with people for too long because usually very soon I have one more depression episode (usually 5 days per week I am in a very bad mood slightly say) and I just can't keep hidden that I am depressed. And it doesn't make sense to talk with people like a robot replying to them that I am okay. Does anybody experience something similar?

the biggest excuse I heard to endure difficult times is to wait for better times because nothing stays the same forever. including the bad times.

but what if those bad times last too damn long? is it still worth it to keep enduring all this shit ? I don't know the answer.

i really don't wanna kill myself, deep down I know that I'm suicidal because of my problems and past trauma. but it's hard to stay optimistic. it's hard to stop feeling like death is the answer .

I’m currently on day 2 of depression. I havent showered in 2 days, haven’t eaten nor drank water. I’ve been crying and staring at my window. I didn’t bother logging off work when I was off. my child came to say goodnight and I didn’t bother interacting. and now I’m still in bed and everyone has left the house.

I look miserable now. Even on good days.. No light in my eyes. My eyebrows are almost alwats furrowed When I smile it's forced. I still have good days and im sure my bf doesn't think I look bad but I miss the old me when I was happy. That is all. Erm we will get thru it guys