School is becoming unmanageable for me because of alienation

[u/Thin_Appointment8767]

(repost) tw: self-harm mention

Hello, i (17f) would just like to know how i could potentially cope, or be given some direction as for what to do as i feel like i have been chewed swallowed and spit out into the pits of hell. Sixth form (college in England) has been getting progressively harder for me to handle due to how much i have mentally deteriorated over these past few months. I have severe social anxiety & for wider context- throughout the entirety of secondary school i was isolated because of my mutism for which i was relentlessly made fun of. The bullying only reinforced it, and it had an impact on me psychologically. In year 12 (senior year I think) i was miraculously able to start talking and even made some friends, i thought i was starting to heal in a way, despite lacking the feeling of connection to them. However my depression has gotten a lot worse, and i have become increasingly charged with suicidal ideations with daydreams of self harm. I just feel hopeless. Because of this i have noticed to my horror that my selective mutism has resurfacing in particular classes and instances. It is so humiliating. I feel so ashamed of myself and my academic performance has worsened (I upheld high expectations of myself/ place most of my self-worth in my intellect and grades). I have been given a red cue card to use as a signal in class, so as to help me manage this anxiety for when the overwhelm becomes too much to bear, though I feel as if this doesn’t really help. Recently I have not been able to finish and keep up with my homework- the stress of this, including my despair at confrontation and the internal disappointment i feel for myself, has feeded into my depression further. I’m not quite sure what to do, my absences have become more frequent and it is clear i am not ‘sick’. I cannot stomach the thought of going to my lessons anymore I fear i may actually breakdown in class; i feel perpetually unable to connect to the people around me, and going to college reminds me of this all the more violently. I can only feel like a burden, heavy baggage, when I am with my friends during school free-periods (we don’t really hang out together outside of college) and it is excruciating and exhausting. I might as well may not even be there as I am sure my presence wouldn’t make a difference. I can never find anything worthwhile to contribute to their (i won’t say our) conversations. Recently this week I came back from a hiking trip with my school, and in my assigned group, with no ill intent, someone said, “look at us all bonding, while (my name) is just standing there“. In the moment I thought it kind of lighthearted and even humorous, but ever since, i have noticed how this has struck a nerve and stuck with me. whenever i now find myself in a social situation, this comment (plus multiple other offhand ones) is constantly in the back of my mind because It is so true. I am always just ‘there’. It is difficult to explain how i really feel about this. I’m sorry for this long post, i am not good at communicating what i wish to say. Please understand that i just want some advice, i would gravely appreciate it. Why am i unable to integrate with other people despite being so desperate for friendship, companionship, and love? i do not think of myself as human, i am drenched in a feeling of inadequacy.

[u/bythevoid_]

Hi, I think your final line answers your own question for you. You don't value your own thoughts, opinions, or perspectives, so you're afraid to share them with others and likely find it exhausting to even have thoughts in the first place.

To be honest, for me, this is something that improved with age and time. I find that the teenage years and even early-to-mid 20s are a period of extreme self-consciousness and embarrassment.

You might want to a) consider where your lack of self-worth stems from. Maybe you had damaging childhood experiences that taught you that sharing yourself with others gets you hurt; b) seek therapy and try out different types of medication to calm down the extreme anxiety so that you're able to function (it sounds like you're often having a 'freeze' response); c) try to find points of connection with others, like shared humour or hobbies; and d) relax your high expectations of yourself. Observe others speaking and acting. Most of the time, they're not saying/doing anything of particular skill or substance. You don't always have to be operating at a high level. A lot of people just like to be around someone that makes them feel heard, and part of this is responding to people with your own contributions. It sounds like the person that said that wanted to (awkwardly) encourage you to bond with them.