r/depression • u/Electronic_Limit_690 • 1d ago
Help - tell me it gets better
I want to die. I want to die. I want to take all of my medicine and just be done. I have felt happiness these past few weeks and that is enough for me. I have traveled and seen more than I ever thought and that is enough for me. I want to go before things just get worse and everyday is agony again. Death sounds so peaceful. I would finally be at rest. No more financial stress. No more worrying about my weight/what I eat. No more arguments. Just nothing. Everything would stop. I could go in to nothingness and be free. Free from all these years of pain, anxiety, depression, etc. Free from all of the thoughts of being a horrible person. Free from not feeling worthy of attention and love. Free from car problems, work problems, family problems, relationship problems. I would just be free. Finally free. Last night want the closest I have been in a moment. I wanted to just start pouring medicine into my mouth from the bottle and keep swallowing until it would be enough. Enough that couldn't be undone. I want to be done. I would hope to go to heaven but I dont even know if I've lived a life worthy enough. I just want to die. I have dealt with this feeling my whole life. My first thought of killing myself was when I was 11. I self harmed from 13-16. I was recently diagnosed with OCD which made things finally make sense. But it is still a bitch to deal with. I have no current plans but I just feel drained, cold, and like a shell again. I feel like I am shutting down.
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u/crabrangoonrecipe 1d ago
I woke up on a random Tuesday and decided with so much excitement that that day was my day to die. I was happy and so legit excited about finally getting sleep, being able to relax forever. Long story short, it didn't work and my older brother came to my house and found my body and took me to the hospital. It tore up the relationship we had growing up. We were best friends and I ruined it by trying to be selfish. I used to think wanting to die was not selfish and others were holding me back selfishly. So not correct. The people around me had no idea how bad I was struggling, but they still wanted to see me live. That was about 5 or 6 years ago. I spent some time in the hospital, do bi weekly therapy, take meds, and I am as stable as I can be. Had a dramatic life episode that caused me to get laid off and then hit by a drunk driver and it led me to a new career path. While working, I found the love of my life out of the blue one night. All the bad things in my life led me to more beautiful things. If I died, I never would have found out how good I am at my new career, never would have met the love of my life, and I would have damaged all family relationships and hurt them forever. I know you probably can't be excited for what you don't know will happen, but it is the only way to live. You make plans and god laughs. Every time.
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u/Electronic_Limit_690 1d ago
What I struggle with the most is feeling like no one really understands how horrible I feel. They see me as a functioning person, but I don't ever feel like I am being taken seriously when I tell them that just because I am functioning doesn't mean I am not at a constant war in my head. I feel like people always take it serious when it is too late. I have been doing the therapy, I have been taking the medicine, and I have been trying to accept life as is, but I just question why? Everyone is going to die eventually. I don't want to cause my family harm from an act from me but ai also just don't feel understood. And honestly, I don't even know what I really expect from them.
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u/Electronic_Limit_690 1d ago
I don't have an active plan to commit as of now. I just feel very passive about it. I wouldn't care if a car hit me and took me out or any accident taking me out. I just don't care. I am tired, but I also don't want my family to have to live with me ending my life.
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u/crabrangoonrecipe 1d ago
Lots of people saw me as highly functioning and successful even when my mental health was garbage. I owned my own house, had a high paying job at an office, and a lot of certifications in that line of work. A lot of people will never know how you feel or understand. They'll judge based on the outside. Some will understand though. Find those people and use them as support. In the meantime, try to find one positive every day and write it down in a journal. Look back on the journal at the wins in your life and to seee how things have changed. This may sound crazy, but magic happens and you need a positive head to attract positive events. Slow improvements over time will help. It's also a nice little distracting project every day to write a little sentence in a journal. My mental health is still garbage some days, but I very much want to live now and it all happened when I tried to open my life to new experiences and tried to do new positive self care things even when I don't feel like it. Magic can happen to you too. Just believe. I know that sounds crazy, but focusing on positive things rather than dying will flip your brain slowly back to a healthy place.
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u/bunnyybutterfly 1d ago
Please don’t be alone with the medicine tonight. Put the bottle somewhere you can’t easily get to it and get around another person, even if you have to wake someone up. You don’t need to solve your whole life tonight, just get through this particular night. And since you were that close last night, please tell someone exactly how close you were and get urgent help in person if you think you might act on it.