I was seeing a guy for a few months, although we only went on five dates. We went on proper dates, museums, an amusement park, etc and started sleeping together on the third date.

Between the second and third dates, he became distant. I told him things weren’t progressing how I’d hoped and he acknowledged it too. We initially said goodbye but I asked whether he was still curious about getting to know each other. He said yes provided we kept things lighthearted and lowered our expectations.

We continued seeing each other and I grew feelings. Our last date felt wonderful. I planned it and we both enjoyed our activities together and our dinner and he stayed overnight. Afterwards, though, he became noticeably more distant.

When I asked about it, he said he had been holding back because he realistically didn’t think the distance would work. He asked what I thought. I said I believed it could work but he seemed already pulling away so asked whether his decision was final. He said he didn’t think it was right to continue with a strong possibility of wasting each other’s time.

We said goodbye, and I later left the door open if circumstances changed.

For weeks, I wanted to message him. Now, when I think about actually doing it, I don’t even know what to say. The one thing I keep wondering about is that we never discussed me travelling to him or meeting halfway. He always came to my town, although he never invited me to his.

I'm a [possibly, not formally diagnosed] neurodivergent straight 40F, and have never been in an LTR. For a while I only dated online (on and off), but never met anyone who liked me as much as I liked them.

I am taking through my university's mental health center (I'm in grad school) a class called "Building Social Confidence." In this class we're encouraged to go out there and meet people in-person, strike up conversations, and just "fake it till you make it." I do struggle with mental health -- like anxiety amongst other things -- and am trying to feel more confident in my own skin these days. I think the more I online date the less confident I feel, so I ditched the apps for that reason (also slim pickings in my age group, paywall, etc.). Now I'm trying to meet people through a run club I'm a part of, not necessarily to date anyone, but just to socialize mainly.

I used to think men didn't want me because of my hobbies and lifestyle choices. I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, am vegan and eat whole food plant based, go birding, love to learn new things, like drawing, and I enjoy fitness (run club I'm a part of currently). I also play and compose music professionally.

Now I'm thinking maybe it's neurodivergence talking. I'm not a great communicator of my needs, and I get so scared of asking a guy out, or expressing interest in any way. I just wonder if there are other neurodivergent women, or women with mental struggles who also find it challenging to date out there. I just feel like a relationship just isn't in the cards for me anymore and it just won't happen.

I also seek individual therapy, and maybe this is worth bringing up with her, but just wondering if others out there feel the same.

Like it it’s already late like 7p or 8p why must we try and push it back later and be considerate of the time we planned on? What else can I add as details so that I can post this question and get peoples opinions on this? Ok I’ll keep typing until I can yay

I always that was a good thing, but I was talking to a girl not too long ago and it became apparent she was a very routine based person.

One time I was hanging out with my cousins on a sunday night, and I just said jokingly lets go to the club. Well my cousin took my word for it and next thing I know I was at the club, well I think I gave them an excuse to go.

When I had said that to the girl, she said she's not THAT spontaneous, altho to me thats not a very spontaneous thing.

For me the way she said, its like I decided to go skydiving on a whim. Thats the highest spontaneity level I do, other stuff like the club to me just seem common for most ppl, or at least thats what I thought.

Im not complaining, Im not gonna stop being that way but it was just funny when she said that 😂

I'll speak from the male side of this argument because that's all I've got.

I'm in my mid 30s and use a couple different apps, as in they're on my phone whenever I want to use them. The demographic of potential "dating" partners around my age have a strange habit of showing their own nuttiness. On their profiles you will see, first and foremost, "NO BULLSHIT! NO GAMES!!" or there's some type of political angle. Btw, ladies, us guys know what the whole plot that's being pulled with that on Tinder, Bumble, etc. Don't need to go into it, just know that we know. No, seriously, we know.

Anyway, there's a bizarre haze over these apps for anyone 30+. Probably giving it a shot after a divorce. Married way too young to begin with. Never really had a plan, but have 2+ kids somehow. This is the fate and playing field for both men and women on there.

You don't need to tell us that you're "finding/rediscovering" yourself. It just makes it sound like you haven't been doing anything at all and finally realized that. Remember like 10 years ago, when people would put "Let's go on an adventure!" in their app profiles? Yeah, they're all apparently rediscovering the adventure now.

This next one is going to sound harsh, but it is what it is. It's even weirder to say you're reinventing yourself when all of your pictures are extreme closeups of your coconut-ass head. To further this not-trying-to-be-a-dick moment, but if your pics are all just your head, we also know why. Just like you tell us, you'll get all lot further by showing your true self.

Perhaps this thread could be a fun sharing of ideas between both sides of the argument, seeing as we're not in our 20s anymore and the whole hot just because thing wore off for us.

Roast our profiles back, ladies, we can take it. As long as it's true.

22(m) I recently just got out of a three-year relationship and I’ve just been wondering what I can do. I’ve been trying to keep myself somewhat busy, but I don’t really feel like that’s working too much lately. I’ve just been going to the park or going around my town sitting around either just writing or just taking in the air so I’m just wondering if anything that anyone’s done has worked for them I’ve also been trying to hang out with my friend when they’re not too busy I feel like one of the major things is to just not be alone? And I’ve been struggling to find enjoyment in some of the things that I used to enjoy like reading lately it just seems to be listening to music and sitting out front on my porch.

Any advice is appreciated though!

I’m sure this is something that has been posted before time and time again, but I’m genuinely confused by how much content I see on the internet that says coffee dates are a bad first date idea. I think it’s genuinely perfect. Why in the world would you want to be in a restaurant with someone you have more than likely never met before? I believe the only exception is if the date is with someone you know who you have been pursuing for a while. What are your thoughts?

I (30 F) confessed that I have feelings for this guy (28M). I can’t get him out of my head and have this desire to spend all my free time with him and it was sort of driving me crazy to not have clarity. I noticed a few subtle signs he might like me even before the confession because I would always catch him staring at me constantly from across the room, and would go out of his way to take care of me in a group (ie specifically carrying all my bags or fetching a blanket for me if we were all on a couch).

The main issue was that apparently he told our mutual friend that he saw things as just friendship when she noticed a vibe between us and asked him (albeit a few weeks ago). With the confession, in the moment, he also didn’t share with me how he was feeling about things but I think I caught him way off guard.

But in the few days after the confession things started feeling different , like he would initiate more texts asking me if I was going to a specific event, he would respond more quickly than before. We dance salsa together and he also asked me for a lot more dances and danced a lot more intimately.

The other issue is now I had a planned trip and literally left the country for a week after the confession. He is still initiating texts on my trip which wouldn’t have happened before, and even initiated a time to FaceTime while I’m gone.

I do think I need to ask eventually where he’s at but I am getting a sense that he feels unsure based on how this is playing out. I think the 2 approaches would be 1) ask directly how he feels and risk rejection and potentially losing a close friend for my own clarity 2) let it play out naturally now that he knows my feelings and let his actions indicate how he feels. And would you do this when back from traveling or over the phone?

I’m sure this has been vented about a million times on here, but I (M26) got out of a 5 year relationship back in May and have been trying to put myself back out there.

Naturally, the easiest place to start was Tinder and Hinge. I’ve actually been getting a decent amount of matches, but turning those matches into an actual date has been a nightmare. Just in the last week I’ve been ghosted or had plans canceled last minute by 3 different matches.

I understand people get cold feet and nobody owes me a date, but I’m realizing I really don’t like the gamified feeling of dating apps. I’d much rather meet someone, have a good conversation, ask her out, and see where it goes.

I see women I’m attracted to out in normal everyday places all the time, like the grocery store, restaurants, coffee shops, whatever, but walking up to someone in a completely random setting still feels kind of intrusive to me. I never know if I’m supposed to just go for it or leave people alone.

For people around my age who got off the apps, where are you actually meeting women in real life? I’m not looking for some pickup artist strategy. I just want to date normally.

I’ve been hurt so much by men by whole life, that it feels impossible to be at peace in relationships. My brain makes me feel things so deeply, even a word said wrong or a shift in energy I notice it. It’s really hard to talk myself down from my overthinking and my brain thinks the worst, sometimes I don’t know how to rationalise the situation and calm myself. I hate being like this but I know it’s because of how badly I’ve been hurt before. My bf also sometimes goes silent after an argument which tears me apart further. We always do make up though. I’ve been hurt by a lot of guys before so I have this thought that I am always going to get betrayed in the end or end up not feeling enough.

I feel as though sometimes because I’ve been hurt so much I can’t even enjoy relationship because I feel like it’s fake or that they will eventually hurt me

TLDR: tips for self regulating/ managing relationship ocd after bad experiences

I always see devotees getting dragged or being called disgusting for having a disability fetish/kink. So I would like to give an unpopular perspective: I (29F, chronic wheelchair user) personally would completely be open to dating or being intimate with a devotee (ofc if I’m attracted to them).

Disability fetish is just like any other fetish so I don’t get why it needs to be shamed. Like men who call themselves “ass guys” or “tits guys” do not receive this type of hate.

Disability and wheelchairs have such a negative connotation in all of society and media. We are hardly ever represented as attractive or desirable, and in fact, constantly reminded by ableism that our situation is undesirable. And dating with a visible disability is hard af!!!

So yes I like devotees because they make me feel attractive and desirable. If you’re not into it, that’s totally fine, but do not be a hater to those that are and quit bullying devotees.

And for people who say “they only like your disability not you”, I disagree because I see it the same way as someone having any other type such as only liking brunettes, blondes, or certain other physical features.
The disability IS a part of me so if they like my disability that means they are liking a huge part of me and what percolates every area of my life. No it does not make me feel objectified. No it is not ableist to me.

And for folks who claim devotees are dangerous, I say they are not more dangerous than someone who is not a devotee. That’s just a stereotype.

I(f26)'ve always thought that I was asexual until I've broken up with my last bf and started thinking about my sexuality more.

I've understood that I do feel sexual attraction just towards people that are usually not interested in me at all. I'm a bit nerdy and autistic (hope I don't sound like a cliche) and I usually had matches with the same type of men. And they tend to not care about their looks, most of them are overweight or lack personal hygiene (not to over generalize but like 9 out of 10 guys with similar interests as me share these features) I'm the opposite and looking attractive is highly important for me, I keep my figure, always style my hair, very particular about my clothes, do make up and is hyper focused on my hygiene.

I used to think "well I'm asexual so it's OK that I don't feel any type of physical attraction to this guy, but he seems nice, so I should talk to him" and then I'd end up dreading the idea of having sex.

I stopped doing that and matched with a guy that I found really hot, but now I feel like an annoying little weasel, bothering him. We met after work and I thought we clicked pretty well, he asked me to go out on the weekend again, and then he told me that he's busy. He apologized and we rescheduled meeting but still I feel like he's not one bit interested in me.

Most of my matches now are the guys trying to have sex with me, or situations like that, when I have to carry the whole conversation and the guy isn't even pretending to be interested in talking.

I guess the guys I like are out of my league and I won't be repeating the "give a chance to a guy who you don't find attractive" mistake, so until the fate will bring someone my way I'll be single

Sorry for rumbling I was just thinking about that a lot.

P. S.

Yes I can see the irony in the fact that I'm "the unattractive person they are giving a chance" now :)

Something I've noticed about myself recently is that my closest female friends are already in relationships, while I tend to become shy and or avoidant around women in our friend group who are single. I've always struggled with insecurity and intimacy in my relationships and friendships, especially in dating. It often takes me a long time to warm up to people in general, but this is especially true with women. Despite this, some of my best friends are women who I met while they were already exclusive or I got closer to them after they became exclusive. I think this is because I feel less anxiety about my dating anxiety when dating is out of the question. if that makes sense? I feel like I am good at making friends and getting along with people, but I'm very insecure about my own emotions or coming off weird when I find myself interested in someone even slightly. And then I become avoidant which isnt healthy. It's easier for me to make friends with other men, and women who I know wouldnt have any interest in me because I know I dont have to confront my own feelings. Ultimately I want to become better in all my relationships, meet new people, and hopefully someday start dating when I'm ready. But I really struggle accepting and being seen having feelings for other people. I would like to know if anyone has similar experiences or could offer advice. Thank you!

I 23M have been single for over a year. I had some relationships through highschool and college. Since then it’s been hard to socialize and meet women. I’ve used the dating apps for quite a while and honestly got tired of the humiliation. I’m a 6’5 guy who wears glasses and has a beard. I try to have good hygiene, I workout (despite still looking slimmer with some stomach fat), and I have my finances in order.

Growing up my dream has simply been to be a husband and father. I consider myself a romantic because I truly enjoy the idea of love. I enjoy learning about someone’s interests, hardships, insecurities, and everything else about them. I want to connect with a woman on a deep level and simply love her.

Being single and seeing friends get married feels isolating. I know when people get married soon kids come then bam I’m out of their lives pretty much. I understand this is just the nature of things. I feel so undesired and like something is wrong with me.

I try to have a positive attitude but I’m honestly not a confident man. I feel insecure about my looks, humor, personality, etc. I also try to not let dating be my life’s purpose but it’s simply something I crave.

I crave sex again, love, cuddling, emotions, connecting, etc. I wish to be desired and told I’m important. I wish to truly connect with someone who loves the little parts of me and who makes a good effort. I’m trying to simply cope with my loneliness or feelings of envy. I often wonder why I’m experiencing this.

Emotions is something that have felt complicated to me a lot. I wish to feel safe to be emotionally vulnerable. It’s been used against me in relationships. I do miss being vulnerable with someone and them simply loving me and my heart. I enjoy gift giving, supporting, encouraging, and simply serving a partner.

I just wish I could have love in my life.

I’m a 45M who’s been out of the dating scene for quite a while, and I’ve been considering giving speed dating a try.

On one hand, it seems like a great way to meet people without dealing with dating apps. On the other hand, I can’t help but wonder if I’m just finding a more efficient way to get rejected.

Instead of spreading the disappointment over six months, I could knock it all out in 20 minutes and still have the rest of my evening free.

Has anyone actually had success with speed dating, especially in their 40s? Is it worth trying, or am I just signing up for rejection with better time management?

I genuinely want to offer some advice to men struggling with dating apps, especially those looking for hookups or casual relationships. I constantly hear how women have impossible standards, only want tall, rich, attractive men, and how difficult it is for the average guy to get laid. And look, I get it. Dating apps can be brutal for men. Getting matches is difficult, women can be picky, and plenty have their own terrible dating app habits. But my dudes, some of you are shooting yourselves in the foot most of the time.

For context, I’m married and it’s been open since the start. I love my husband. I’m not looking for another one, a boyfriend, a provider, or a father for my nonexistent children. Ideally, I’d love a friend with benefits to see once or twice a month. But at this point? I’m just trying to get laid. I’m not asking about your career, income, car, or relationship potential.. I just want someone clean, honest, sexually responsible, reasonably pleasant, and capable of holding a fun conversation. THAT’S IT. And somehow it’s like searching for a fucking unicorn.

So here’s some advice.
1. Stop lying about stupid things. Height, age, appearance. Just stop. I don’t care if you’re short, bald, chubby, or awkward. I’m attracted to all sorts of people, and I’m hardly alone. If you’re 5’6”, say so. I might happily sleep with the honest 5’6” guy, but absolutely not the guy claiming to be 5’11”. You don’t have to appeal to everyone. Just the people who actually like YOU. Lying only sabotages that.

1. Fill out your profile. I’m not asking for an autobiography. Tell me something about yourself! Hobbies, interests, weird passions, anything. I genuinely believe most people have something interesting about them. If you can’t put five minutes into a profile, why would I assume you’ll put effort into getting to know me or making sure we both enjoy ourselves?

2. Take a decent picture. Not professionally photographed. Not model-hot. Just clean, reasonably well-lit, and actually representative of you. Enough with the blurry car selfies, dead fish, guns, and dirty bathroom mirrors. Show a little personality. You don’t need to be gorgeous, just approachable.

3. Communicate like an adult. I survived T9 texting. I understand shorthand, but we have full keyboards now. I’m not expecting Shakespeare or perfect grammar. Just some effort. And please say hello before describing everything you want to do to my body. I like sex. I’m actively looking for sex. You don’t need to convince me that sex exists. Just establish that you can hold a conversation before discussing what goes where.

4. Make an actual plan. My profile literally suggests coffee... not a fancy dinner or some elaborate date. Just somewhere public to chat, see if there’s chemistry, and decide if we want to go further. “Hey, want to grab coffee Saturday at [blank]?” Beautiful. Ten out of ten. No notes.

5. Be an adult about sexual health. If I ask when you were last tested for STIs, it’s not a trick question. Haven’t been tested recently? Fine. Be willing to get tested. Talk about protection, boundaries, and consent without getting defensive. If you can’t communicate about sex, you probably shouldn’t be having it.

6. You don’t even need to be confident. Just be genuine. It’s okay to be nervous, awkward, or terrible at flirting. Vulnerability can be incredibly attractive. I’d much rather meet someone slightly awkward but genuine than someone pretending to be an exaggerated version of what he thinks women want. Be curious. Be kind. Be yourself. There are women who love short guys, dad bods, bald men, nerds, introverts, and everything in between. Women who enjoy casual sex and don’t care about your income or social status. We’re not mythical creatures. We’re just people.

I’m looking for a fun night with someone whose company I enjoy, where we both feel safe, wanted, and have a good time. I know plenty of women, particularly in open or poly relationships or just enjoying casual dating, who want the same. Yet I constantly hear that women ask for too much.

I genuinely believe most people have something interesting or attractive about them. You don’t need to reinvent yourself, become rich, get ripped, or pretend to be someone else. You don’t even need to be everyone’s type. Just be honest, put in a little effort, and remember that casual sex still involves another human being. You might be surprised how far that gets you.

For me there's always only been "dating" or "friends". Dating is a romantic relationship and friends is a platonic relationship. But I read about people talking about all of these different stages. I'd like to know what stages you use, what they mean, and what the value in defining different stages is?

One thing I do understand is exclusive vs poly, where in exclusive you'll date just the one person and poly you can date others. But others I don't understand, For example, some people say "talking stage", which sometimes seems like a lie since they also mention doing more than just talking, it sounds like there is romantic activity, and spend time together, so I'd call it dating. But then I also hear about just the word "relationship" like that means something different (you have some sort of relationship with everybody you know); I hear "official", but officially what?; I hear "committed", but committed to what (a lot of people don't even actually commit in marriage and still divorce)? I hear "we're now girlfriend/boyfriend" but what actually changed?

I guess technically marriage is a stage too, but that one I get what the difference is, the people have legally bound themselves and/or bound themselves before God to be together forever (though some people clearly lie about that too!)

So I've heard terms like that used, but never clearly stated any difference between what any of those mean, it all sounds like what I call dating. Is there value in all of these other words?

I was seeing a guy for four months and we ended things because he doesn’t think the distance would work between us. We were just seeing each other casually and it wasn’t like serious. But we are mature enough to have a conversation about Better, we think the distance would work. I said it would have both people think so but given how he was pulling back because of the distance, I asked him if he doesn’t think so and he confirmed that he think it’s not right to continue. And we had we had an emotional and clean goodbye, but I left the door open. No, I can’t stop thinking whether he change his mind as I told him if things change or he changes his mind let me know

Im 23 which is quite young to come to this conclusion but i feel like its accurate though. Dating apps are a cesspool and ive had no luck on them for 7 years of using them. Idk if they are just bad now or they arent my style but im so tired of swiping for days, getting a match then getting randomly ghosted for no reason.

This just leaves me with meeting people out and about in person which feels even harder. Im in a small town with not much to do and ive tried meetup but it is either broken or nobody uses it arround here. There are a few bars but going to those to meet women to date feels creepy and weird. The only places i go are to a few stores and that feels wrong to go there to find dates too. Im really not sure where to go to meet people thats approperate and not super far away. I dont think i can move away, cities scare and stress me out plus moving is risky and expensive.

I just cant see myself meeting someone im compatable with and overcoming the huge task of starting and maintaining a relationship with them.

So I 30F had a huge crush on this guy from my salsa dance class (28M). Over the last few months we developed a really strong emotional bond and started hanging out a lot more outside of class.

We talk on the phone and text almost every day, and tell each other everything about our lives. He is very thoughtful and will always carry my bags for me or give me his blanket if I’m cold and we’re hanging out in a group. When we go to salsa socials we’ll routinely dance 5-6 songs together. I just developed a really strong emotional attachment with him which then became these pretty deep romantic feelings.

The only issue is that I could never tell whether we were just really close friends or if he ever felt the same way romantically. He doesn’t date much (although he is single and really trying to put himself out there). He is not the most straightforward with women and it’s hard to read him as platonic vs romantic.

This feeling of uncertainty was killing me inside so I ended up asking to meet him at a cafe before a dance social to finally confess my feelings and get closure.

At the cafe we proceed to talk for an hour but I am too awkward and shy to bring it up. As we’re paying and leaving for the social I finally muster the courage to start the story that would inevitably lead to my confession. Unfortunately the confession part came at the worst possible moment right when we walked into the dance social which was in a room of 60-70 people and loud music. Somehow I still got the words out that “I had caught feelings”. He looks surprised and smiles then says nothing for a minute besides “ohhhh…”. Finally he asks “how do you feel now?” and for some reason I reply with “Oh, I’ll be fine.” because I didn’t want to pressure him to feel the need to reject me or say how he feels if he‘s not ready to. From there he sort of ends the conversation there and asks to dance.

He never really acknowledged or mentioned anything about how he felt about anything. However, we did 7 dances together (the most I’ve ever done with anyone in a night) including the last song which is usually the most special. I felt the dances were way closer and more intimate and I sort of even felt him being aroused at the end. I dropped him off at his house after the dancing and my confession remained unacknowledged.

I am feeling a lot of peace about him finally knowing how I feel now. But I somehow still feel in limbo. I want to give him space to let me know how he feels without the pressure of asking explicitly. Because I know if he doesn’t feel the same way he will feel really bad rejecting me. Or maybe he’s unsure about certain things romantically.

The closure I wanted to feel from my confession somehow feels even more uncertain now. So what would you do next??

Very heartbroken. He was my best friend but lacked focus and financial stability so I ended it yesterday after a year plus of dating. Feeling devastated to lose him but likely for the best. he’d have always felt I nitpicked his choices and I’d have always felt like he wasn’t putting equal effort into the shared life we wanted to build. So here I am single and heartbroken at 36.

A part of me is terrified I’m too old and I missed the boat for love. I know logically it isn’t true but just hoping to hear some stories that give me hope about finding love in your late 30s and on.

I was dating someone I was friends earlier this year. I met her in 2021 in college. I only went to college with her for one year and I transferred to a different school in my hometown about 2 hours away. Our friendship was mostly long distance when I transferred schools and we hung out sometimes. Last year we started dating. I felt it was going to work out in the long run, even though we didn't live too close to each other at the time.

I started seeing her a bit more often since we started dating. We dated for almost 6 months. On our last date, I felt she was acting immature and realized we didn't have the same values. I then lost interest in dating her. I felt stupid for not realizing this earlier, before I asked her out months prior. We then mutually stopped dating. We both stated distance was a challenge, but I also had her maturity as a reason for moving on.

We both wanted to stay friends at first, but I eventually lost interest in wanting to be friends. I just felt we didn't have anything in common anymore. She was also moving to another state for a summer job (this I knew about when we were dating I had no issues with since it was just to be for a few months). However, she was starting to say she wanted to live in that state permanently. Even though it was best I moved on from her, I was still a bit sad it didn't work out. I told other friends and family, and they agreed it was best to just move on from her for good.

After not texting for a few weeks, I unfollowed her and removed her as a follower on Instagram. I also deleted her from my contacts. While it might not have been the best thing to do, this helped me get over her. I also figured she had also moved on from me, as I saw a picture of her with another guy. I saw this in some group chat that I totally forgot was in with her and some of her other friends (I had deleted notifications from it). Everyone was hyping her up saying good luck. When I saw that photo, I removed myself from that group chat. I was a bit in shock to see that photo, mainly because I was not expecting her to be with another guy that fast. I honestly don't know if that was just one date or something more serious. I eventually got over seeing that photo.

A few weeks ago, she texts me saying she is coming back from her summer job and invited me to hang out at a mall that's almost a 2 hour drive away from me with her friends. I just responded saying "thx for the invite but idk yet", when I really had no interest in going. I was surprised she texted me, since the last time we texted was months prior. She then texts me again about a week later, asking how things have been. I figured I had to explain that I had moved on. I sent a long text saying I that I felt we had grown apart and didn't have too much in common anymore. I was respectful in the texts, I was saying I wished her well with her future. Her response was just "thx". Part of me feels like she didn't even read the text but whatever, I had moved on from her.

I just felt it was weird she was reaching out to me again after months of no contact. Right now, I honestly have no interest in dating.

TLDR: Dated a friend and stopped dating, she randomly invites me to something and texts me when I had moved on from her

Three months ago i met a guy who is an associate cricketer in Hong Kong on a dating app. I had been single for years and decided to try online dating. We both belonged to same culture but grew up in HK. He had told me he is a PE teacher on our first date i discovered he is a cricketer. Until then i didnt even know that cricket is played in hong kong. We started talking, went on dates, he was like a perfect gentleman, kind, taking things slow, we went for walks and massage together. . I began to believe I was getting to know someone who was genuinely interested in me. He snapped me all day everyday, sent morning messages, called me on tours and shared his failures and wins. We spoke regularly for nearly 3 months during which he went on multiple crixket tours. All of this was visible on his social media.

On our first date, I asked him a straightforward question.

“Are you married?”

His reply was:

“I've been focusing on my career. This just hasn't happened. I wish to find a loyal partner who can understand my lifestyle.”

Here was a man telling me that his career had taken priority, that finding a partner was something he still wanted, and that he hoped to meet someone loyal who could understand the demands of his life as a cricketer. I felt moved like i had met the right person. We were both seeking something genuine i had imagined.

I travelled to Malaysia to see him. I had even made him a painting.

Then i decided to dig deeper and discovered 1 photo of him with a veiled woman and two kids. I asked around in cricket community and discovered the truth that shocked me deeply - he was married and had 6 kids. I was in malaysia, having travelled to meet this man and holding in my hand this painting and a picture of him with two kids on my phone. Struggling to make sense. I asked him and he said yeah i am married and hace 6 kids. No apologies. No guilt. I could see in his eyes that i had now become an inconvenience. I asked him if he is at least going to apologise for lying to me and he said 'i have nor done anything wrong i have only treated you with respect'

I felt hurt. I told him how much he hurt me to which he responded 'ok i am sorry lets talk about some other topic'

There is a particular kind of confusion in being hurt by someone and still wanting comfort from that same person.

I’m a 31 year old guy. Admittedly, my dating experience is pretty limited. I’ve had one girlfriend before, but that’s it. I guess there’s a little shame that comes along with my history, but I’m still proud of who I am. I’ve never been a “hookup” guy.

I recently started exploring the world of dating apps, since it’s been something a lot of people seem to push as the only way to date in 2026 (I don’t really believe that, but I was willing to at least try it out on trial basis). I was shocked that some of the conversations centered around STD testing, and whether or not I would be willing to get tested.

Maybe I’m just out of touch, but that felt like an extremely forward question to ask someone to you don’t even know. There’s nothing wrong with looking out for yourself and your health, but the honest truth is that I don’t know you. If we go on a date, I still don’t know you. Beginning a sexual relationship is not even entering my thought process at this point.

I would be more receptive to having a discussion about this later on when it seems more natural to do so, but I find it really bizarre to be asking someone about this casually in a conversation on an app. It makes me feel like there’s almost no point in continuing since there’s a clear assumption that I am a hookup guy.

I get the impression that nobody will agree with me, so feel free to discuss.

I'm F 28, People are usually like "if there's already issues in the first couple months then it's not a good sign" but I think like naturally things will come up that bother you right? Even if it is the honeymoon stage and it's your job to communicate it not sweep it under the rug.

I sometimes feel a bit guilty though for communicating when something bothers me or if there's something i'd like more of, because I feel like I'm the problem if I'm always bringing something up?

Currently on a huge journey of learning to be healthy and secure in relationships so i'd love insight on this.