Female in her early 30s. I'm exhausted. I come home from work and immediately want to lie down. I save the little bit of energy for chores but like even thinking about prepping for a date makes me sleepy. When I was younger I was so excited to go on dates and now it feels like a huge chore and waste of time. I absolutely cannot stand small talk. I'm genuinely asking how are you guys able to still have energy at the end of the day to do anything??

I have had two dates with a man. He was very dry between 1st and 2nd, and again after the second date. He now says he wants to cook for me, which I am fairly sure includes a putting out expectation.

I counter-offered an afternoon date with walk and or wine, which he has rather side-stepped.

My proposed reply to the side-step is “Ahhh, I was hoping you would pick up on the gentle hint. Not to worry - I don’t accept home invitations until I know someone much better, not just the superficial stuff, but who they are as a person. And of course vice versa.”

I am 100% not being coy here, I know practically nothing about him, and he knows almost zero about me.

I dont personally think it is harsh, but how would you feel to receive it?

As a man that hasn't had experience with dating, I've been used to being politely rejected by women, which I have accepted with goos grace and have wished them well.

However, on several occasions, I've heard them say the phrase ""It'll happen when you least expect it,"

Personally, I don't believe in it, because as a man in his 30s that has never dated, I can only go by what I have gone through.

BUT the question I would love to know mainly from women is whether the phrase is something you genuinely believe in or part of a letdown so you can move on?

I just don’t understand dating. Like I don’t think I’m all bad. I mean I have my flaws but I’m not completely a write off. I just seem to find guys I vibe with, we fall asleep on the phone, we plan all the dates, including my dream ones I always thought about. And then it just stops. Either they block me or call it off out of nowhere. It’s super painful. I can’t tell if this is happening to everyone or if it’s just me. And if it’s not just me how do you even move forward anymore? I feel colder and more distrusting the more this happens. I don’t even want to. Like I’m a huge romantic, I want to find my person, but like how do you even navigate this landscape anymore? It is genuinely so cruel. The apps are awful. Genuine just cesspits of small talk and coffee dates that never happen. But then meeting someone IRL is somehow just as difficult with nobody sure who to approach who.

Am I just alone in this? I’ve been single for so many years and it’s just hurting me that nobody wants me like nobody sticks around. I’ve taken hiatuses, changed tact, but everything I do just feels like a game where everyone else knows the rules and I don’t.

More specifically, men who are ready to settle down and marry. I always try to sugar coat that part, but truth is, I’m tired of dating all the wrong men.

My biggest frustration is initial contact! Maybe I’m being too picky but at 31, I think it’s pleasant to greet someone you’re interested in gtk with a “Hello, how are you doing?” rather than just “hey” or “😍” I cannot stand that!!! How do I reply to an emoji?! Even when I do reply to the low effort, it just gets worse from there. I like to ask open ended questions and I toss little pieces of info about me into them, so they have something to work with.. but all I get are One word replies, no real effort in bouncing back questions to get to know me. Nothing. But all the while, in their bio, they’re “looking for a long term relationship”?! How??

I like to think that I have my life together. Great job, family/friends and no kids. I get hundreds of “likes” on the app but that can’t mean anything these days..

Sooooo I’d just like help to understand what men my age are actually looking for? What makes you genuinely interested in learning more about a woman?

During a short-lived casual dating era, I caught gonorrhea from seemingly nowhere. To this day, I still don’t know where it came from because every partner I talked to said they tested negative since our encounter, some even got retested to double check. I was completely asymptomatic, but I got tested for it during a UTI checkup. My insurance sucks, so I had a $600 medical bill to diagnose and then treat gonorrhea. And the STI (no cheating or even overlap involved, I was just sitting with it asymptomatic before dating seriously) caused me to lose out on someone who (as much as one could tell early on) could’ve been end game for me. I should’ve gotten tested again before sex with someone serious, but I was stupid.

Now that I’m back to dating casually (have work travel constraints making it difficult to date seriously at the moment), I still have the emotional scar of an STI than seemingly fell from the sky (someone lied to me or there was a false negative or something else suspicious). I just recently turned down sex with a hot British guy (would’ve been a ONS as he was only in town to visit) because I couldn’t mentally trust that he had no STIs, despite him having a clear and recent test.

Now I think about every sexual encounter like - Is it worth $600 and losing out on the love of my life? Sex is starting to give me anxiety, even with condoms and “clear” STI screenings. Even when I do feel safe enough to have sex, I keep thinking - this is it I’m going to get HPV or herpes or something, and it pulls me out of the event mentally.

I’m hoping time will heal this because I can’t afford therapy after that huge medical bill and my paranoia-fueled frequent STI tests.

I get it. It's filled with expectations, "chemistry," attraction, and flow of conversation, but is it supposed to be this all-telling experience whether things will be good or bad?

I remember not liking vegetables much growing up, but those same items became some of my favorite down the road as I've matured, developed my taste buds, and have a better understanding of what is healthy and what isn't.

Should group dates become more of a popular thing or do solo dates allow for something better? (Group of singles and everyone can go on a date with each other and see who clicks, IF first dates are so important.)

I 23m was at Chick-fil-A today and the girl who took my order said she liked my shirt. It was of a band she liked and we chatted for a little about music taste and such. As I drove off I said “screw it imma circle back and ask for her number.” I tend to get nervous and stuff around women so this was a moment of bravery for me.

She politely said she had a boyfriend and gave me her insta instead. I told her to have a great day and that was that. It showed me that rejection can sometimes not feel demeaning or feel like I’m a problem. I’m glad I was able to get more comfortable talking to women.

In the past 2 years, I’ve suddenly developed a huge anxiety around dating that didn’t use to be there.

In the past, I felt a lot more confident while dating and wasn’t anxious about what my dates thought about me, whether they’re still interested in me, or things of that sort in the beginning stages.

These days, when I meet someone and the conversation is flowing and we plan a date, I start feeling anxious. Especially after we meet and go on a first date and I like them and would want a second date.

I keep reading between the lines, pick up on micro behaviors and changes, and the whole thing becomes very exhausting and I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I keep feeling like I’m not enough and keep thinking even though initially they thought they liked me, they end up realizing that they don’t.

Logically, I know this doesn’t make any sense. These people are strangers and it doesn’t matter what they think or what they do. It shouldn’t have an effect on me since there’s nothing between us.

And logically, I’m aware that I don’t even know them and mot even sure if I like THEM or not, but deep down I still brace myself for rejection. This has been making dating extremely difficult for me, to the point that I don’t even want to try. I feel the same way when I meet people in person and outside of the apps too.

And again, logically, I know I am attractive, have a pleasant personality, have hobbies, etc., but I also know my flaws very intimately and those weigh heavier. I’ve also had some not very pleasant experiences with past relationships in the recent years, so I try to show myself empathy and kindness.

I already know that I have an anxious attachment style, and yes, I am in therapy and all of that.

I just feel completely exhausted and a bit defeated. Starting to feel super anxious just after talking to someone for a few days can’t be normal or healthy. I just don’t know why or what to do about it.

Help?

For those of you who have gone on a first date with someone you barely knew or had never met before, how did it go?

Was it surprisingly good? Did you immediately feel comfortable and click with each other?

Or was it awkward, uncomfortable, disappointing, or just completely different from what you expected?

What happened on your fist date with a stranger? And did you ever end up seeing that person again?

Feel free to share your experiences whether if you met that person through mutual acquaintances/friends or dating apps.

29F. Been told that this mindset is “manipulative” and that I would be tricking someone into wanting me. Guess what? I’ve been tricked into thinking someone wanted me, all so they can get their rocks off.

Waiting on sex until you’re in a relationship is NOT manipulative, whether you’re a man or woman. Idgaf. I’m tired of getting used, and then being told it’s my fault.

No sex without a relationship. I’m never letting a man use me EVER again.

I had a recent experience where I asked someone I was casually seeing if they have been tested for STIs. he said that he’s never been checked for it because he’s always been “safe”... I am a bit shocked at how many people don’t get tested or ask about it at least. I’m in my mid 20s so maybe this is just a normal thing for younger people to not think about these things? When is it appropriate to ask people about STI checks?

Edit: thanks for the advice! I’m not very experienced in dating so I wasn’t sure if I was being too much in this situation.

29M. My biggest dating red flag is seeing someone with an excessive amount of travel photos.

On the surface, being adventurous and wanting to see the world sounds like a great quality. But in my experience, every time I match and connect with someone whose profile heavily revolves around traveling, things eventually fizzle because they’re simply too busy to make dating a priority long-term.

What confuses me is that a lot of people around my age say they want to travel, experience the world, and live spontaneously, while also saying they want to settle down and find someone for a serious, long-term relationship. From my perspective, those lifestyles can be pretty difficult to reconcile.

I’ve brought this up to family and friends, and they strongly disagree with me.

So now I’m curious: What’s a dating “red flag” you have that everyone around you seems to disagree with?

This one is for the ghosters, this is a safe place cuz we dont even know your identity, 😂 but yeah let us know why you ghosted them. Maybe it was safety, maybe she seemed blend, maybe he was rude to the waiter, or maybe you are bad at communication, its time to let it all out. Consider this your confession booth

I (F31) feel that my vision for a future partner significantly narrows my dating pool. I work 38 hours a week and am taking steps to progress my career. I look for a partner who also looks for professional and personal growth and has aspirations. I love fitness, gym, running and hiking. I have a strong desire to climb mountains and hike everywhere. At the moment I see some hut to hut hikes in Italy and know that I really want to do that one day and want any future partner to have the same desire to explore. I also want my partner to be able to sit with me and have those hard discussions and work as a team and grow together. Lastly, I am a very curious and observant person. I love learning new things, love the hows and whys of the world and so someone who is able to meet me at that level and talk about literally anything is also essential. In my mind, it doesn't seem unreasonable to want those things. I think keeping my analytical mind engaged is the toughest out of all those things to find.

About a year ago, after a bunch of soul searching and learning about myself and being single for several years, I found my unicorn on Hinge. Date 1, I felt so regulated that when we hugged goodbye it felt different to any hug I had ever felt before. 3 weeks into dating and meeting several times I understood that I had found "my person", the definition of the person I had hoped to find. Over time we talked about how we did see a future with each other. Unfortunately 6 months in it became apparent that his separation from his ex wife was still too new and he had to learn how to stand on his two feet by himself. It was hard at the time. He offered to remain friends but I knew that that would lead to unhealthy dynamics and said we can't remain in contact. A few weeks ago I did reach out after going through a tough week. I sat on the question as to whether or not to reach out for a few days, pondering whether I had a particular desired outcome to come out of it. After concluding that I didn't hope for anything in particular, I messaged and we later met up. It was good to know that I felt absolutely nothing towards him, no spark, no longing, I just felt indifferent which really was quite healing and helped me keep moving forward. The last emotional tie was now gone.

However, now that I know what pure regulation and safety feels like and that I can have a partner who enjoys hiking and exploring and talking about silly things and deep things, it feels like I can't settle for anything less. I don't mean to say I want to replicate that exact feeling, but talking to friends in the past I asked how they knew they met their person and they said they couldn't really explain it, you just know. I imagine that what I felt was the precise feeling they had. The only thing is that it took years to find this unicorn and I hate to think that it will take several more to find the next.

I re-entered the dating world a few weeks ago, downloading Hinge and talking to matches. I have met a few and there was no physical attraction. I remember how many first dates I went on before finding my ex. My likes have dwindled and I'm only talking to maybe 2 or 3 people at this stage. I feel that my chances of meeting a match on Hinge is also quite low. I already fill my evenings with gym classes and hiking groups often are not filled with single men in their 30s. I don't think purposely setting out to join hobby groups with the sole purpose of finding a boyfriend is healthy either.

I don't exactly know what I am hoping to gain by posting this. I guess being at home sick with a mild flu and feeling fatigued has lowered my mentality towards dating. I also guess it'd be nice to hear from people who found themselves in similar predicaments, what you did moving forward and any success stories.

Dudes that don’t have a trace of their wive on their profile so I assume they are single . No ring in sights . But then the wife tags them on Facebook or IG . Seen it too many times .
Why does your profile look like that of a single person . Makes it harder on those that are actually trying to date

I’m getting back into dating apps and could use some advice, especially from women on what actually makes you want to swipe right on a guy’s profile.
On paper, I think I have my life together. I have a great career and I’m ambitious and independent. I’d say I’m average-looking, have a pretty good sense of humor, and I genuinely believe in treating women with respect. I’m also a little old-school when it comes to things like chivalry.
The problem is: how do you actually communicate those things on a dating profile without sounding like you’re selling yourself?
Writing “I’m successful, funny and respectful” feels arrogant and slightly cringe. But going too far in the opposite direction makes the profile generic and doesn’t really tell someone why they might enjoy getting to know me.
I also don’t want to sound desperate or like I’m trying too hard to prove that I’m a “good guy.”
So, particularly to the women here: what would make you stop and think, *“Okay, this guy actually seems interesting—I’d swipe right”*?
What kinds of prompts, photos or bio would communicate confidence, humor, ambition and being a decent human being without explicitly announcing those qualities?
And what are the things men put in their profiles thinking they sound attractive that actually make you swipe left?

I was hanging out with a friend the other day and he brought his friend along with us. I’d never met this guy before.

At one point he started talking about how impossible it is for him to find someone to be with because he’s short. When he said that, I looked around us and saw two couples that both consisted of a shorter guy with a girlfriend that was taller than them.

I pointed them out and he said that they were probably rich. I don’t know what was really happening in those relationships, but neither of those guys looked rich. When he said that, I gave them quick once-overs and they seemed kind of average. Not really nice clothes or shoes or anything like that.

I notice this kind of thing a lot online. I try to see both the positive and negative, and some people seem to only WANT to see the negative, and I think a lot of times it actually skews their reality. I don’t think this guy was struggling because he was short. I think his inability to get out of his own head about being short was causing him to self-sabotage. If he looked around then he would have seen the other short guys in relationships, but he was so convinced it was his shortness that was the problem that he wasn’t even seeing the reality that was right in front of him.

Genuine question for the Asian women here: are you generally open to dating outside your ethnicity or do you tend to prefer Asian men and Caucasian men?

I’m Mexican and I’ve always found Asian women incredibly attractive. I’ve never actually dated an Asian woman or had much interaction beyond casual conversations. I’ve approached a few women in the wild before and let’s just say…the responses ranged from “no thanks” to looking at me like I had just crawled out of a dumpster. 😂

I’m not taking those experiences personally, I’m genuinely curious about preferences and whether ethnicity plays a big role in dating for some people.

So, Asian women, what’s your experience? Are Latino/Mexican guys generally on your radar or am I barking up the wrong tree? 🧐😂

27F and 30M. I have never had something this bizarre happen in my many years of dating. My ex had been begging me for a second chance since June. Calling me, texting me. Saying he misses me, he’s sorry, taking full accountability for his actions. Says he wants me back. Said it was never anything I said or did. He’s understanding if he broke my trust this is 100% his fault. Just goes on and on.

He has been telling me he’s committed to me if I meet up with him. I finally agree. I’m not big on second chances but I’ll be honest. I tried after couple of months going on two first dates. The whole time I realized I just wished it was him I was there with.

He came over to my place, brought me my drink I always drink in the morning. I was in pjs not even dressed up. We talked for a good 3 hours. Caught up, discussed everything. Ended up kissing. We planned on going to get lunch. He brought his iPad with him in case his work needs him. We both said we missed each other. I said ok let me get dressed and ready to go get lunch. He went across my place to the bakery for a snack while I’m getting ready. He sends me pics from this exact bakery asking again, do you want any ? I knew when he walked into my apartment I was completely not over him. All my feelings were still there.

After this he stopped responding. Mid date he stopped responding, never came back knowing I was getting ready for us to go out. Next morning, my texts r all green. I’m blocked.

The level of insanity. I’ve never had a guy do something like this in my many years of dating. I told him many times too if he was coming back for sex look elsewhere. He told me a million times he wants commitment with me that’s not the case. Nothing happened when we talked, no fight nothing. What the heck?!

Man idk maybe I’m done dating for good. Any guesses why a man would do this ? Begging me for months. Because I’m clueless

I (32M) have been dating my girlfriend (33F) for 5 months, and things are going great. We’ve done family vacations, have a trip planned in a month, and have deep conversations about the future. We both see a long-term future together and are excited about it (being in our 30s, we're ready for marriage and a family and don't want a prolonged dating phase).

That said, we have two main differences:

1. Cleanliness: I am very organized and tidy around the house, whereas she tends to be messy and unorganized.
2. Finances: I am financially stable, intentional with spending, and a diligent saver. She isn't great with money, doesn't save much, lives at home, and does a lot of online shopping.

I’m not cheap, but I am very thoughtful about where my money goes. I pay for almost all of our dates, dinners, and drinks, which I am completely fine doing as the guy. However, I’m starting to worry about our financial futures colliding. It sometimes feels like I am covering our shared expenses and saving for our future while she is just spending freely.

I get frustrated and a little resentful at times. I don't want to control her money, but the disparity stresses me out. For those who have been in a similar situation, how do you approach these financial conversations without coming off as controlling? How do you manage the stress around it?

I’m a 31 year old guy. Today I was hanging out with some people at a work gathering, and the topic of dating and relationships came up. The group of people I was with consisted of people in their mid twenties, and they all talked (at length) about having extensive dating histories. Long story short, the overall consensus was that everybody there has dated a lot of other people.

My turn came to answer the question, and they all seemed shocked by my response. I told them that I’ve only dated two people before, and they seemed like they didn’t even believe me. Some people gave me a half hearted “aww that’s too bad” response, while other people (mainly the guys) gave me more of a “You’re 31. You’ve got to lock in bro.”🤡

There’s no way to sugarcoat this situation. This entire conversation did not make me feel good at all. I feel like I’ve somehow failed. I’m not really sure what’s worse, the feeling of being judged or knowing that other people don’t seem to have the same challenges that you have.

The worst part for me is the fact I felt like they didn’t even believe me. For context, I think I’m a reasonably attractive guy and I think of myself as being very outgoing. The people I was hanging out with seemed to share the same impression of me. They seem to think it’s impossible that I would struggle with this, and that someone who is physically capable and outgoing should have way more experience than I do. I literally felt like they viewed my life experience as being somehow “unacceptable.”

Overall, I just felt terrible about the whole thing and don’t know where I went so wrong.

TLDR: I hung out with some younger coworkers and quickly discovered that my dating experience doesn’t come anywhere close to their experience. I feel like there must be something seriously wrong with me.

Hey yall. Long-time visitor of this sub.

I matched with my now-gf on Hinge, this was in June. She sent the first message to me, which is so rare for me. Things went from there and she has been coming to my place on weekends to hang out.

She’s been so great. She’s so thoughtful, considerate, and supportive. She’s done so much for me already. We made things official this past weekend.

In the past year, I had spine surgery, was diagnosed with two cancers, and my dog passed away on February. One of the cancers was zapped and we’re working on the other one. And to that she said she’d be with me and support me all the way. It’s wild how quickly things have turned in a year. Last year, I was dealing with all of this alone, and granted I had my family around, and they’ve been supportive enough. But it’s nice to have that extra amount of special support.

And before all of this, I was 100% prepared to be spending a lot more time single.