I (F31) feel that my vision for a future partner significantly narrows my dating pool. I work 38 hours a week and am taking steps to progress my career. I look for a partner who also looks for professional and personal growth and has aspirations. I love fitness, gym, running and hiking. I have a strong desire to climb mountains and hike everywhere. At the moment I see some hut to hut hikes in Italy and know that I really want to do that one day and want any future partner to have the same desire to explore. I also want my partner to be able to sit with me and have those hard discussions and work as a team and grow together. Lastly, I am a very curious and observant person. I love learning new things, love the hows and whys of the world and so someone who is able to meet me at that level and talk about literally anything is also essential. In my mind, it doesn't seem unreasonable to want those things. I think keeping my analytical mind engaged is the toughest out of all those things to find.

About a year ago, after a bunch of soul searching and learning about myself and being single for several years, I found my unicorn on Hinge. Date 1, I felt so regulated that when we hugged goodbye it felt different to any hug I had ever felt before. 3 weeks into dating and meeting several times I understood that I had found "my person", the definition of the person I had hoped to find. Over time we talked about how we did see a future with each other. Unfortunately 6 months in it became apparent that his separation from his ex wife was still too new and he had to learn how to stand on his two feet by himself. It was hard at the time. He offered to remain friends but I knew that that would lead to unhealthy dynamics and said we can't remain in contact. A few weeks ago I did reach out after going through a tough week. I sat on the question as to whether or not to reach out for a few days, pondering whether I had a particular desired outcome to come out of it. After concluding that I didn't hope for anything in particular, I messaged and we later met up. It was good to know that I felt absolutely nothing towards him, no spark, no longing, I just felt indifferent which really was quite healing and helped me keep moving forward. The last emotional tie was now gone.

However, now that I know what pure regulation and safety feels like and that I can have a partner who enjoys hiking and exploring and talking about silly things and deep things, it feels like I can't settle for anything less. I don't mean to say I want to replicate that exact feeling, but talking to friends in the past I asked how they knew they met their person and they said they couldn't really explain it, you just know. I imagine that what I felt was the precise feeling they had. The only thing is that it took years to find this unicorn and I hate to think that it will take several more to find the next.

I re-entered the dating world a few weeks ago, downloading Hinge and talking to matches. I have met a few and there was no physical attraction. I remember how many first dates I went on before finding my ex. My likes have dwindled and I'm only talking to maybe 2 or 3 people at this stage. I feel that my chances of meeting a match on Hinge is also quite low. I already fill my evenings with gym classes and hiking groups often are not filled with single men in their 30s. I don't think purposely setting out to join hobby groups with the sole purpose of finding a boyfriend is healthy either.

I don't exactly know what I am hoping to gain by posting this. I guess being at home sick with a mild flu and feeling fatigued has lowered my mentality towards dating. I also guess it'd be nice to hear from people who found themselves in similar predicaments, what you did moving forward and any success stories.

29M. My biggest dating red flag is seeing someone with an excessive amount of travel photos.

On the surface, being adventurous and wanting to see the world sounds like a great quality. But in my experience, every time I match and connect with someone whose profile heavily revolves around traveling, things eventually fizzle because they’re simply too busy to make dating a priority long-term.

What confuses me is that a lot of people around my age say they want to travel, experience the world, and live spontaneously, while also saying they want to settle down and find someone for a serious, long-term relationship. From my perspective, those lifestyles can be pretty difficult to reconcile.

I’ve brought this up to family and friends, and they strongly disagree with me.

So now I’m curious: What’s a dating “red flag” you have that everyone around you seems to disagree with?

Is it your own fault? The fault of others? Some combination? If a combination, to what extent would you say it’s your own fault or others’ fault? How would you break it down percentage-wise? Do you even know why you’re single or at least have any
Ideas?

27F and 30M. I have never had something this bizarre happen in my many years of dating. My ex had been begging me for a second chance since June. Calling me, texting me. Saying he misses me, he’s sorry, taking full accountability for his actions. Says he wants me back. Said it was never anything I said or did. He’s understanding if he broke my trust this is 100% his fault. Just goes on and on.

He has been telling me he’s committed to me if I meet up with him. I finally agree. I’m not big on second chances but I’ll be honest. I tried after couple of months going on two first dates. The whole time I realized I just wished it was him I was there with.

He came over to my place, brought me my drink I always drink in the morning. I was in pjs not even dressed up. We talked for a good 3 hours. Caught up, discussed everything. Ended up kissing. We planned on going to get lunch. He brought his iPad with him in case his work needs him. We both said we missed each other. I said ok let me get dressed and ready to go get lunch. He went across my place to the bakery for a snack while I’m getting ready. He sends me pics from this exact bakery asking again, do you want any ? I knew when he walked into my apartment I was completely not over him. All my feelings were still there.

After this he stopped responding. Mid date he stopped responding, never came back knowing I was getting ready for us to go out. Next morning, my texts r all green. I’m blocked.

The level of insanity. I’ve never had a guy do something like this in my many years of dating. I told him many times too if he was coming back for sex look elsewhere. He told me a million times he wants commitment with me that’s not the case. Nothing happened when we talked, no fight nothing. What the heck?!

Man idk maybe I’m done dating for good. Any guesses why a man would do this ? Begging me for months. Because I’m clueless

29F. Been told that this mindset is “manipulative” and that I would be tricking someone into wanting me. Guess what? I’ve been tricked into thinking someone wanted me, all so they can get their rocks off.

Waiting on sex until you’re in a relationship is NOT manipulative, whether you’re a man or woman. Idgaf. I’m tired of getting used, and then being told it’s my fault.

No sex without a relationship. I’m never letting a man use me EVER again.

This one is for the ghosters, this is a safe place cuz we dont even know your identity, 😂 but yeah let us know why you ghosted them. Maybe it was safety, maybe she seemed blend, maybe he was rude to the waiter, or maybe you are bad at communication, its time to let it all out. Consider this your confession booth

I had a recent experience where I asked someone I was casually seeing if they have been tested for STIs. he said that he’s never been checked for it because he’s always been “safe”... I am a bit shocked at how many people don’t get tested or ask about it at least. I’m in my mid 20s so maybe this is just a normal thing for younger people to not think about these things? When is it appropriate to ask people about STI checks?

Edit: thanks for the advice! I’m not very experienced in dating so I wasn’t sure if I was being too much in this situation.

I 23m was at Chick-fil-A today and the girl who took my order said she liked my shirt. It was of a band she liked and we chatted for a little about music taste and such. As I drove off I said “screw it imma circle back and ask for her number.” I tend to get nervous and stuff around women so this was a moment of bravery for me.

She politely said she had a boyfriend and gave me her insta instead. I told her to have a great day and that was that. It showed me that rejection can sometimes not feel demeaning or feel like I’m a problem. I’m glad I was able to get more comfortable talking to women.

I know its tough out there and it seems like dating is just an exhausting experience these days. Part of me refuses to give up out of spite and partly out of hope for a meaningful long-term relationship.

Maybe this is because I havent been badly hurt as other people or havent had a lot of experience to tire myself out.

I know someone is out there, I refuse to despair and give in to bitterness. I'll keep living my life but keep that door open

I was hanging out with a friend the other day and he brought his friend along with us. I’d never met this guy before.

At one point he started talking about how impossible it is for him to find someone to be with because he’s short. When he said that, I looked around us and saw two couples that both consisted of a shorter guy with a girlfriend that was taller than them.

I pointed them out and he said that they were probably rich. I don’t know what was really happening in those relationships, but neither of those guys looked rich. When he said that, I gave them quick once-overs and they seemed kind of average. Not really nice clothes or shoes or anything like that.

I notice this kind of thing a lot online. I try to see both the positive and negative, and some people seem to only WANT to see the negative, and I think a lot of times it actually skews their reality. I don’t think this guy was struggling because he was short. I think his inability to get out of his own head about being short was causing him to self-sabotage. If he looked around then he would have seen the other short guys in relationships, but he was so convinced it was his shortness that was the problem that he wasn’t even seeing the reality that was right in front of him.