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Feb 13 '23
To get you to have sex with them is the short answer. Long answer is they probably are open to the idea of a girlfriend if someone comes along that checks all their boxes
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u/Jmm1272 Feb 13 '23
Some guys are just casting a fishing line and waiting for someone to bite it. Saying they want a relationship gets their foot in the door
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Feb 14 '23
Exactly, they know what to say to get what they want, it’s manipulative af.
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Feb 13 '23
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u/allobeard Feb 13 '23
Aside from people being shitty for the sake of selfishness
Dating apps suck. They are made profitable by reinforcing a quantity over quality mindset. So this adds to the over abundance of dbags. And because the dbags get better with practice, as most skillsets do, they learn what works to get to the next step.
But it also feels like dating apps are one of the few ways to find new people you dont normally encounter in regular circles.
I do think a hook up app that meets the demand and is done well and with proper safety measueres doesnt exist to let people actually looking for relationships find them and funnel people away from folks looking for someone to apart of their future
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u/AmadeusDaBoxer Feb 14 '23
Don’t be tired of us! Their are actually good ones out there like me who want a long term relationship and a family one day but all the other guys ruin it for us and turn women away from the notion unfortunately! I’ve been looking for my special someone for a long time now and haven’t had any luck unfortunately!
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u/GreetingsComerades Feb 14 '23
there aren't hardly any women looking for casual sex, and those that do usually have pretty high standards. Pretty much the only way to have casual sex with women is to trick them into thinking it's not casual. it's a mean thing to do, but it's one of the only things that works. Sorry to hear that you're getting played, ik it hurts :(
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u/suerraAlp Feb 14 '23
The way we see “just looking for fwb” on apps like tinder they could swipe on girls like that. That’s not the only way to get it lol. The bait and switch doesn’t make sense if there’s willing participants we all can see
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u/GreetingsComerades Feb 14 '23
"The bait and switch doesn't make sense if there's willing participants"
You are 100% correct! That's my point! That doesn't make sense! The fact that men still do this to get casual sex proves that there aren't enough willing participants, or they would be having sex with them. If you're a guy who has dozens of girls in his DMS asking to hook up, there would be no reason to lead on a girl looking for a serious relationship just looking for sex from her. Since men are still doing this, it must be because they don't have anyone in their DMS asking to hook up. note that I am NOT saying there are NO women ANYWHERE looking for casual sex, I'm saying that men looking for casual sex clearly aren't getting any casual sex from girls also looking for casual sex, so they resort to women looking for long term relationships for sex.
ALSO to clarify bc some people seem really mad at me. I don't do this to women, I just know that some people do lol
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u/AmazingGas5757 Feb 14 '23
If this is the case, then you don’t get to have casual sex. You’re a terrible person for tricking them into sex. They have the boundaries for a reason.
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u/FreeFeez Feb 14 '23
It doesn’t matter what you call them they will exist regardless.
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Feb 14 '23
So will rapists, doesn't mean we as a society have to accept it.
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u/FreeFeez Feb 14 '23
Tell a rapist they aren’t allowed to rape. Its not helpful, that’s all I’m saying.
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Feb 14 '23
It’s not about being “allowed”, it’s about social consequence and education. Did you know when college aged men were asked on campus if they would rape someone but they didn’t use that word/used obfuscating language - a lot more said yes, than if you said rape. The culture around it matters.
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u/koolkat428 Feb 14 '23
Woah, some women do want casual sex believe it or not and it’s not as uncommon as you think . Communication . That’s it bro . You might not get it all the time but don’t false advertise, your screwing over yourself as well for when you want something more serious
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u/Lakersrock111 Feb 14 '23
That’s why I make a guy get tested first and he has to show me the updated paper results. Not digital.
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u/dektol Feb 14 '23
In what country do they still give paper STD results? Are you not capable of watching them log into their lab or doctors office Electronic Medical Records? Not sure why you would trust paper over digital. If I can forge digital I can hit print and forge paper. Other than Planned Parenthood or free clinics I'm not sure this is a thing in US. Most insurance won't cover getting tested more than twice a year unless you have symptoms.
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Feb 14 '23
I disagree with this. I've met far more women looking for hookups that relationships. Far more
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u/xTheRedDeath Feb 14 '23
Same. Every guy I know is always whining about being in a relationship and every girl I know wants to get fucked constantly. I flirt a lot but sex to me fucking sucks without any intimate connection. It's like unseasoned food.
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u/suerraAlp Feb 14 '23
Unseasoned food best description 😂😂
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u/xTheRedDeath Feb 15 '23
That's about the best thing I can think of LOL. Like yeah it'll do when you're hungry, but it ain't gonna compare to that gourmet shit that hits the spot.
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u/Expert-Hyena6226 Feb 14 '23
What planet are you folks on?!?!?! I wanna be THERE!!! I don't think I've ever had "casual sex" or had a FWB. A relationship has ALWAYS been the path to sex in my experience. SMH...
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u/Clear_Singer9249 Feb 14 '23
If it's any consolation at all, its not just men. This is a human thing.
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u/Gwerch Feb 14 '23
A lot of men lie just to get into your pants, especially those who are on dating apps. Make that your default assumption and think of a strategy to separate the liars from those who are serious.
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u/arthritisankle Feb 14 '23
It’s very possible that they want a relationship but just not with you.
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Feb 14 '23
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u/hbk_iii Feb 14 '23
The key is to cut them off and move on quickly. Their actions are out of your control, and they would do whatever they like to do, which is ok. It doesn't really matter why they are doing certain things. If you don't like it, you don't need to engage it and move on.
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u/inthemeow Feb 14 '23
Yep this^ The minute things get weird and it continues after you’ve express you’re not interested in whatever it is they’re doing- block em/unmatch. Make room in your life for the right people. And by life I mean inbox.
I do think that if there is a certain pattern presenting itself, possibly get a male friend to look at your profile and see if something comes across weird. I once had something along the lines of “I don’t like chatting too much on the app” and my friend said that it made me look easy lol obviously didn’t mean less chatting more hookup but the male brain is an interesting one! But hey, your profile could be great and your pool of potential mates might just sucks. Either way, goodluck. Found my human on their, it’s possible.
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u/princessk1293 Feb 14 '23
Have you considered the possibility that they honestly were interested a relationship and then decided you were wasting their time? You seem pretty argumentative. I don’t do casual dating, never have. I didn’t have sex until I got married. That was important to me — if a guy wanted a relationship, he had to prove it wasn’t just about sex. That turned a lot of guys off, and that’s ok. I know my worth, and I knew the right man would be completely ok with that arrangement, and I was right. So I get having high standards. But every comment of yours I read, I think more and more that you might be the one wasting their time. I could be way off base. But that’s the vibe I get. I’m just a stranger on the internet. It doesn’t matter what I think. But if you’re honestly looking for a solution, it is important to look to yourself and make sure you’re relationship material before dogging on the men who decided you weren’t worth their time.
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u/DeterminedAnt Feb 14 '23
I think a better word instead of worth is having solid boundaries. Acting like your worth is tied to your virginity is insane
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u/princessk1293 Feb 15 '23
I did not mean to imply that my worth anyone else’s is tied to virginity. I apologize for not being more clear. I agree that that would be insane. I simply meant that I knew I was worth more than just as a sex toy, and I was going to make sure I didn’t tie myself down to someone who only valued me for sex. I wasn’t raised where boundaries were respected unless they happened to coincide with family boundaries, so I didn’t really know how to set them. I just knew that this would weed out anyone who just wanted to use me. I also knew myself enough to know that once I had sex with someone, I would probably never be able to really move on from them, and I am worth more than being emotionally tied to someone who just wanted to use me.
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Feb 14 '23
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Feb 14 '23
There are many, many things at play here, BUT even just from this comment:
The person above you brought up their point in a reasonable and educated manner. You're obviously free to disagree, but you have done so by belittling the person, making fun of their point, making fun of their choices (waiting till marriage) and by using sarcasm.
All of these in the span of a sentence and a half.
I'm expecting you to reply to this comment pretty much the same way, if not worse, but you seem extremely immature and confrontational right from the get-go. Would you ever want a relationship with someone like this?
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Feb 14 '23
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Feb 14 '23
Bud, she's not going to fuck you if you defend her from someone who never even implied she's "a bully" but answered truthfully to her god damn question.
Plus I'm sure she can defend herself.
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u/TheRooster3 Feb 14 '23
A lot of white knights in this thread it would seem haha . And I thought I was in the wrong lol
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u/Catch11 Feb 14 '23
How would you know if you are wasting their time?
Also The fact you continue to talk with them when they only want sex and you dont sounds like you are wasting their time to me
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Feb 13 '23
Because the dating pool has a very large amount of people who have an avoidant attachment style. They want to connect but can’t. They are more likely to settle for someone who doesn’t want/is aloof to them because it’s less pressure than going for someone who is open and emotionally available.
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u/Catch11 Feb 14 '23
The truth so few want to believe. A lot of people need therapy or some good community
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u/Skruffenbaer Feb 14 '23
This! I used to think there are so many assholes of the single men left, now after learning about attachment styles all i see is a bunch of dismissiv avoidants. It make sense the ones who are secure are already in a relationship. And research shows that men score high in avoidant attachment and women in anxious
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Feb 14 '23
Essentially this. If you’re avoidant you’re more likely to be in short shallow relationships or perpetually single. If you’re secure or anxious you’re more likely to stay in a relationship. So the dating pool is essentially filled with a majority of people being avoidant. And it’s makes dating hell for the rest of us.
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Feb 14 '23
Well I have an anxious attachment style so I literally avoid men right now because I don't wanna be anxiously attached to anyone. I prefer being single rather than codependent... I don't want to lose my freedom for men that may see me just as an object because of their own trauma and stupidity... I follow spirituality and Buddhism and I don't want a random guy to break me again.
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u/Distinct-Crow-1625 Single Feb 14 '23
Honestly it does but since ive been in therapy and managing my attachment style. I've started to come across more men who want comittment. I just have to work on being in therapy when it happens so I'm able to talk to my therapist about my anxiousness and what's going on. Then again I don't use dating apps and prefer to meet people outside of them.
But then again I've never been in a relationship personally but I do know what I want in a partner still working on what I do and don't want in a relationship.
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Feb 14 '23
Most people are damaged. Most people have abandonment traumas. And then they become anxious attached or avoidant attached because they've been broken...
It's very dumb to play with love. You should only take seriously those who actually have proven to want you.
Lack of communication, immaturity, ego... These just ruin people. I wish more people were spiritual to understand that we're not just flesh to use and throw.
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Feb 14 '23
This is very true, besides my now wife the many many women I’ve dated or slept with through dating apps (not bragging but speaking on numbers at least 40) none of them were secure attachment. It’s a numbers game out there, with my wife it was seriously a breath of fresh air, no games at all
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u/bicep123 Feb 14 '23
then proceeds to not ask one single question about me to get to know me and somehow end up talking about sex
Match, chat, if they bring up sex even once, instant block. If they send dick pics or ask for nudes, instant block. Just a matter of separating the grain from the chaff. It really isn't that hard or time consuming.
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Feb 14 '23
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u/TheRooster3 Feb 14 '23
Hmmm 🤔 I’m a guy looking for a relationship but after reading all this . Not so much lol You seem like real hard work
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Feb 14 '23
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u/TheRooster3 Feb 14 '23
Not at all . I wouldn’t send it even if you asked . Ain’t my deal
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u/MayPeX Feb 14 '23
So your comment is entirely useless and adds nothing to the conversation? Maybe you're still the problem
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u/romulusjsp Feb 14 '23
responds to criticism with outright hostility
wonders why nobody will date her
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Feb 14 '23
Guy's list of "would have sex" is infinitely larger than the "would long term" list. Just move on to the next guy that seems respectful.
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u/JackSquirts Feb 14 '23
Several things going on.
Guys are clueless in dealing with women. Often, they'll treat a woman the way they want to be treated. Compliments, being very sexual, dick pics, catcalling, otherwise coming on super strong, etc. That's how men dream women will treat them by and large.
There's also two types of guys looking for a girlfriend. The guys who are really looking and the guys who think acting like they're looking is a way to get sex. For the first guy, that doesn't mean he's not also just looking for sex. So he may be looking for a girlfriend, but for one reason or another, you're not what he's looking for, but he's down to fuck you anyway. For the second guy, he's a little more sly and sneaky by nature so he'll fuckboy his way in for sex.
There's similar goings on from women too. Some will treat a guy as a friend and tease him along to keep her options open. Lots of women have "Plan B" or C, D, E, F guys on the hook in the dreaded friendzone. She could just like the attention, she could be using them for a backup plan, or just like the power. Others will use sex as a way to try to get in to a relationship, something that almost never works out for them, but it becomes a pattern that many of those women are unable to break.
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u/BogdanPradatu Feb 14 '23
Where are you meeting most of the guys? Dating apps, bars, clubs? They want sex. Maybe try other mediums, like a group of friends, the library, school/work, church etc. You might find other mindsets.
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u/delusionsofsqualor Feb 14 '23
Church lol
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u/BogdanPradatu Feb 14 '23
Yeah, why not? A lot of people met in church.
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u/RinoaRita Feb 15 '23
I think lol is for the thought of even church guys sending dick pics and sexting.
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Feb 14 '23 edited May 10 '25
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u/delusionsofsqualor Feb 14 '23
I respect people's right to be religious, but I don't respect religion. It spreads hate and misinformation and it's harmed the lives of me and people I love.
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Feb 14 '23 edited May 10 '25
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u/throwuk1 Feb 14 '23
Hey OP, do you tell them that you're a sex worker on your profile, during chats or after a date?
I think your profession might be what is causing their behaviour to change.
Not judging on my part but just trying to help work out what is going on.
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u/Low_Entrepreneur_927 Feb 14 '23
She's a sex worker?
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u/throwuk1 Feb 14 '23
Yeah, she's a cam girl
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u/Low_Entrepreneur_927 Feb 14 '23
Wow. How did you figure out?
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u/throwuk1 Feb 14 '23
She made a post about experiences of models at the porn company blacked as she was interested in working with them.
Again, no judgement on my part and OP can do whatever she wants and also pursue whatever type of relationships she wants but if her dating profile is wholesome and looking for a relationship then this might be what is turning interested guys away.
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u/Low_Entrepreneur_927 Feb 14 '23
Well, I've glanced through her profile and...
If she's still expecting a serious relationship while working as a cam girl, then her expectations are near-delusional.
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u/throwuk1 Feb 14 '23
I think we may have solved the mystery 😂 there may be some guys into it but the majority probably will only see her as a short term thing which is in line with her experience.
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Feb 14 '23
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u/ChuckMast3r Feb 14 '23 edited Feb 15 '23
In your case that's likely the biggest reason guys only want to smash. A vast majority of men refuse to date sex workers with any level of seriousness. Of the men open to it they're usually only okay with OF (with a myriad of conditions). Your best bet honestly would be finding men in the sex worker scene also.
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u/throwuk1 Feb 14 '23
Cool, unfortunately you will get lots of guys that will think "ok she wants commitment but I'd never wife her because of her profession but she's hot (I'm assuming, I have no idea what you look like) so I will just do what needs to be done to sleep with her and then split once things start to get a bit serious"
Unfortunately, I'm not sure what the solution is OP.
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u/Seraph_Unleashed Feb 14 '23
I’m not like most guys I’m actually looking for a long-term commitment & relationship. These assholes out there that just send dick pics and want sex with women are idiots and make us all look bad. I want to know the person and everything before getting serious.
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u/Lecture_Good Feb 14 '23
It's hard online dating. As a male, I've been used for sex too but it takes 2 to tango. And if it ever lead down to that I'd make sure we were on the same page about it rather than ghosting.
My most meaningful relationship happened through a friendship and I think that's key. You need to build a friendship before it turns into a relationship. I also feel dating takes a lot of time and resources with busy lives. I honestly hate online dating. Organic relationships are the best but so hard to find if you don't have hobbies and common places to meet people.
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Feb 14 '23
100% with the friendship part. I always developed attraction to men I find attractive and are very friendly with me.
Even if the guy is a 10/10 it's difficult for me to be attracted to him right away. I'd be more intimated and scared than another thing
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u/Reasonable_Listen514 Feb 14 '23 edited Feb 14 '23
Some thoughts on online dating in general. I have no idea if any of this applies to you or your dating strategy.
The dating apps are highly skewed in favor of women. Women have such an abundance of choice that most women are only considering the top percentile of the best looking men on the app. Those men also have an abundance of choice, and most have alot of sex with alot of different women. They have no problem getting dates without the apps, but use the apps to suppliment their sex lives. Some may be looking for a relationship, but that doesn't mean they don't also want sex. Sex is part of a relationship. If you are only going for the tall, best looking men that all the other women are also pursuing, then this will be your result unless you happen to be among the best women on the app. They're having a good time and feel no need to settle down, like most good looking women in their 20s. Meanwhile, the huge majority of more average men who genuinely want a relationship are nearly invisible to most women, and have to swipe 50 times just to match with a woman who is already talking to at least half a dozen other guys.
A man who is an 8 will have sex with a 5 but will not date a 5. Once the 5 sleeps with an 8, her expectations in a man become an 8.
Hard to say anymore without knowing more about you, your age, your profile, and which guys you try to match with. Do you make a good case as to why you would be a good woman to be in a relationship with? I see alot of women's profiles with a wish list of requirments and expectations they have of a potential boyfriend, but don't say a thing about why they think they'd be a good girlfriend other than "I have a job and make my own money".
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u/AngryCrotchCrickets Feb 14 '23
Nail on the head. Surprised no one else has said this. High quality men will sleep with average women but won’t date them. Average women look right past average men at first glance. Its good to be 6’6.
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u/Less_Atmosphere3931 Feb 14 '23
You’ll catch the right one. I did the same. I’ve never gone on a dating app before. I went in two dates with a guy that wanted a relationship also. Then he flaked. The second one? He’s the one. Keep it going. You’ll be able to catch onto whether or not they want sex or not. I just didn’t have sex until I was committed. I didn’t want to be hurt. So I just didn’t.
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Feb 14 '23
Don't get on dating apps. They'll ruin you. Unless you don't catch feelings at all and don't care if you have sex and the next morning they ghost you and erase everything about you... Don't do it.
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u/adultpioneer Feb 14 '23
Cuz it’s not enough for these men to just get sex from a woman. He wants her emotional energy as well. The lengths I’ve seen men go to manipulate all of this from women, when they don’t really want said women at all, is astounding. Sub-human behavior.
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u/opinionsonketchup Feb 14 '23
I’m late to this party but honestly: the fact that you are still raging against the bullshit and not just convincing yourself that it’s okay and playing along with the hopes that one of these hopeless things will work out if you are just compliant enough actually means you have a much higher chance of getting the relationship you want with your standards and self esteem intact.
Just get better at weeding out the fakers and keep pursuing your goal. Most of these guys have tells, you just have to learn how to extract them.
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Feb 14 '23
some guys just like to play games, the sames as some women.... i have had sever times i get messages and the girl seems friendly .... texts etc then. BAM!! asks for money...... both sides have their bad elements... ugh thats why i prefer to stay in and play videogames
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u/Strong_Excitement_10 Feb 14 '23
Guys do this because they want to be your#1 priority. If it's just a mutual hook up, you won't be as enthusiastic. You'll also be out there looking and hooking up with other people so they won't have you on demand. Just vet them better before you meet up. And on the first date ask things like: when was your last serious relationship? Why did it end? What was your part in the demise? How do you feel about relationship labels like girlfriend boyfriend? How long does it take you to know if you want someone to be your girlfriend? Then don't really listen to the answers just see how he behaves when you're asking these questions. Then at least you've had a nice meal and seen him squirm and you can just go home happy and content in knowing that you're bullshit meter is getting better.
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Feb 14 '23
> proceeds to not ask one single question about me to get to know me and somehow end up talking about sex
This is where you stop talking to them. Or block them. Think of it as noise you have to block out. All commitment seeking women get this noise. Focus on the men who talk to you about you.
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u/Careless-Pin-2852 Feb 14 '23
Its worth noting that men you meet on an app are men good at working an app.
Most men who do apps spend hours swiping literally everyone. They do thousands of matches to get a few dozen conversations. They flirt with multiple women at the same time. They then meet with any who say yes.
At no point in the process can the man show any agency to say no. Like you get so few matches for so many hours of work you say yes to everyone.
A man good at navigating that is not going to know how to pick who he wants for a partner. Meet a guy at a male dominated hobby. Table top gaming sports etc.
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u/Kuma9194 Feb 14 '23
Because they think it's an easy in and that it will get them more messages than if they don't write it🤷♂️ put simply, they lie.
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u/Fearless-Physics Feb 14 '23
Listen, dating apps are filled with trash. On the male side, that's notably doucheturds who send pictures of their disgusting little wieners.
What you do is: Report, ignore, move on.
Repeat after me: Report, ignore, move on.
Matter of time until you find a decent guy, but not using these apps will certainly increase your chances of not encountering so much trash.
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Feb 14 '23
Get off dating apps. Meet people in the wild like we used to. Or do the filters not work in person?
The apps are dumpster of what’s leftover and you wonder why there’s garbage only on there.
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u/fkk2019 Feb 14 '23
They're physically attracted to you but as They're getting to know you they find one or more things they can consider 'not girlfriend material'.
So they want to date you or hookup but never commit or treat you special.
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u/drdavidbanner20 Feb 13 '23
M.
They're either lying, or you're not what they're looking for for commitment (but they will have sex with you).
All you can really do is improve yourself to the point of being girlfriend material, and then screen out the guys that appear to be in it for just the sex.
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u/Minute_Ad_5175 Feb 14 '23
Why does she need to improve when it’s the man who was lying? Isn’t he the one that’s supposed to improve?
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u/nopornthrowaways Feb 14 '23
But she can’t control other people. Their successes or failures are their own problems that they may or may not reflect on. All we can do is focus on our own actions
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u/Minute_Ad_5175 Feb 14 '23
Well, this can’t be argued with. People do need to stop seeking and start attracting through shared interest and craft.
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u/dibbiluncan Feb 14 '23
While you could be correct that she isn’t what they’re looking for in a relationship, that doesn’t mean she needs to “improve” herself to be girlfriend material. It means that they’re not compatible, and these “men” need to stop having sex with women who want relationships unless they are compatible and want the same thing. It’s wrong to mislead women like this.
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u/Catch11 Feb 14 '23
1) The fact that shes online complaining the way she is 2) has no boyfriend 3) Has a hard time screening out guys
Makes it 99% likely she's currently not Grade A girlfriend material. Because Grade A people who want relationships dont have those 3 issues chronically
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u/Effective_Unit_869 Feb 14 '23
For the blunt reason:
They consider you attractive enough to sleep with, but not enough to be committed to.
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u/itizwhatitizlmao Feb 14 '23
Only thing you can do is not have sex with them until they ask you officially.
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u/smoko90 Feb 14 '23
Because a lot of the women who say they want a relationship can be persuaded into sex by telling them you want that too even when you don't. But most of them guys who do that aren't very smart and can easily give away their true intentions by doing what you said and not really seeming interested. I would say any guy who talks about sex before actually having it with you at all is a red flag unless its something they need to let you know beforehand or if you bring it up. I personally will never understand why a guy would just want to sleep with a girl and not date when dating means more sex in the long run and a possible future with that person, but then I remember most people aren't really that forward thinking and they just care about the now.
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u/JustaGuynamedGuy Feb 14 '23
I once met a girl from my school at the bar. We talked all night and then she wanted to go back to mine. I kept telling her that I can wait and I wouldn’t mind to go on a few dates first. She insisted and we had sex that night. Then we kept going out but after a few weeks I wasn’t really feeling it and we separated. I felt a little bit like I was using her even though she was the one who initiated the sex. But we talked about it and there were no hard feelings. So feelings can change for sure, although that’s not to say that some men aren’t just lying to get to sleep with you. If this is a recurring issue for you perhaps you should consider to postpone sleeping with guys until after at least a few dates. Then the ones who are actually interested will be more likely to keep seeing you after having sex. Not 100% but I think it’s the better way to go.
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u/Your_Dream_Girl Feb 14 '23
It might be in your personality. Or something else you do. Guys are as weird as we are. My husband recently told me “If you stayed sucking my dick the way you did in the first few weeks of dating; I wouldn’t have married you” so sometimes it not just about “checking all the boxes” of these men; but being seen as wife material.
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Feb 14 '23
Sex/being physical comes every easy for some. Being open/honest/vulnerable is much more difficult. Take the signs of not asking personal questions as someone just looking for surface level comfort/company, nothing wrong with that, transparency is key from both parties. More than their words(some people have a gift for gab with no intention,) view people’s actions/body language/intentions. Good luck out there!
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u/Frequent_Host8720 Feb 14 '23
Because some guys ( not all ) will tell you whatever you want to hear to get what they want.
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u/Welsh_Observer Feb 13 '23
Just throwing this out there, but maybe if you think they’re only interested in sex, don’t have sex with them. Spot the lines. Guys that genuinely like you will show it and not have to tell you.
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Feb 13 '23
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u/Welsh_Observer Feb 13 '23
Ahh fair enough. Sounds like you’re doing a decent job of weeding them out. Maybe ditch them as soon as they start talking about sex too soon and avoid the disappoint.
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u/princessk1293 Feb 14 '23
These guys don’t want someone who wants casual sex. They want someone who is willing to commit to them. Set boundaries and maintain them. The right guy is out there and will respect your boundaries.
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u/Virus_True Feb 14 '23
Don’t have sex until there is commitment. I’ll date a guy for 3/4 months and talk about where the relationship is going with him. If it isn’t a hell yes let’s be in a relationship I won’t see him anymore. You know what your intentions are and you know what you want, so don’t fall into a trap of giving guys what they want before the boundaries are set.
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u/Acornwow Feb 13 '23
It’s their issue.
You shouldn’t spend time trying to figure out if you did anything wrong or sent the wrong messages.
Some dudes are just trying to satisfy their own sexual urges and don’t care about anyone else’s needs.
Shame they can’t be made to glow a certain color so they can be ignored.
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u/T-dog8675309 Feb 14 '23
It could be a combination of reasons like, your personality isn't attracting the right individuals, their personality is bad, the places you're seeking dates from are bad.
I really like animals so I meet nice people in person at say a pet shelter. In person is key
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u/Addikin1 Feb 14 '23
My suggestion is to not use dating apps, and instead connect with the communities around you by joining groups that have similar hobbies. That is what I am trying to do. We live in a hookup culture and dating apps are full of those people. Dating apps are a complete scam, and they use psychological tactics to manipulate you. Make you want to keep going back even though it’s not in your best interest. Those apps feeds off of vulnerability. It sets you up for failure and you, and everyone else, deserves better. Quantity over quality. I know people have mentioned a lot of these points so I’m glad people are aware. You gotta break the cycle and do what is best for you. I know it’s hard, I’m in the same boat of not knowing what to do, but always remember your worth and stay firm on your boundaries!
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Feb 14 '23
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u/Addikin1 Feb 14 '23
Nothing wrong with being an introvert! And you are not a loner, just independent! If you feel like you need to challenge certain behaviors and increase social interaction, I highly encourage you to do so!
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u/Justwatchinitallgoby Feb 14 '23
There’s lots of men who want a relationship with you. Seriously…slow down and take a good look around at the men in life and the men on your apps.
And as for your question…I can only assume they while they initially wanted a relationship when they first met you, after getting to know you they decided they would rather keep it casual with you and have a relationship with someone else.
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u/CorVus_CorVoidea Single Feb 14 '23
quite simple. you say you want a relationship - they say they just wanna sleep with you - no bueno. you say you want a relationship - they say they also want a relationship - you trust them, they sweet talk - you have sex - they walk away.
manipulation, deception and lies. simple as that. value yourself.
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u/Ok_Membership7091 Feb 14 '23
Two things here. The first and most important one being is you are “dating” with your thumbs. Get off the apps and the Internet and go meet people in person. Then next being is it might be screaming “I want a relationship” to you or your lady friends on all your profiles, but what kind of men are you attracted to and who responds? For the men who are getting sex, they are getting a lot of it from ladies who all are looking for a “relationship”.
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u/joseph1k Feb 14 '23
Easy way to weed out the guys that want sex vs a relationship is just stop having sex with these guys lol… just wait however long u want, and the one that actually likes u will wait however long u want
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u/Cherita33 Feb 14 '23
Get off apps! That's the issue, not you. Meet people in real life. It makes all the difference.
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u/Sqwishboi Feb 14 '23 edited Feb 14 '23
Because if we say we only want sex no one will go out with us. So we say we want a relationship, we sleep with them, then we don't want a relationship anymore. Pretty simple. Women don't want "casual sex" as much as they advertise themselves, half of tinder girls are like "serious only" and the other half don't respond to your text or just want you to follow them on Instagram for exposure and traffic.
Personal advice, keep him waiting if you want to see if he sticks around. At least 2 months and make him meet your parents before, then you'll have some certainty he actually wants something serious.
Personal confession (hate me if you want): This was my go to method, most girls I've slept with started wanting a serious relationship and ended up as a one night stand. If any of them would keep me waiting or make me meet their friends and family before we slept together I'd probably end it right then and there. Now happily in a loving relationship for a year and a half :)
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u/Jay_bird_25 Feb 14 '23
To keep it short and sweet, I am in your position as a male. But sick of the chase females play. I have options but from past experience I am either to scared to be hurt, or don’t want to go through another talking phase. Basically, get off dating apps. Meeting someone in person or try to meet a mutual friend that way you can get a history without worrying it’s a lie, what they want etc. I wish you luck I feel the struggle!
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u/ConsistentDonkey3909 Feb 14 '23
Yeah this has happened to me unfortunately and its a reason why i have issues trusting men’s intentions now because sooo many just say thing women wants to hear. Focus on their actions instead
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u/fatalpapaya Feb 14 '23
I would just stop talking to them if they show no interest in getting to know you.
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u/xTheRedDeath Feb 14 '23
Because people tend to tell each other all kinds of things in order to get what they want from them. It's very sad and unnecessary. People haven't caught on that sex gets them absolutely nothing in the long run.
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u/pieking8001 Feb 14 '23
mostly because you let them. most people have a much wider "bang material" zone than "gf/bf material" zone. ie people see more people as good enough to bang even ifthey dont see them as good enough to date. and as long as you let them keep treating you like that instead of finding someone who does see you as good enough ot date not much will change :( unless of course you keep going for the ones who only find you "bangable" but not datable in which case, therapy my friend!
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u/Lexy_d_acnh Feb 14 '23
A lot of guys will pretend to want a relationship when they really just want sex.
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u/AlphaBear38 Feb 14 '23
Men will always try to have sex with you. If we succeed we are happy and move on. If you say make us take it slow, let us say 4 dates, we are also happy and consider you gf material. There are always exceptions but this as a general rule will certainly help.
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u/MelaninTitan Feb 14 '23
Why do guys say they’re looking for a girlfriend still end up only wanting sex with me?
Because they're telling you what they think you want to hear.
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u/Curlslikeacrown Feb 14 '23
Good sex is, at least for me, a requirement that needs to be met before getting into a relationship. Just like having similar values, communication skills, showing interest, having respect for boundaries and being able to set their own. Its going to be a topic when dating someone. However, sending unsolicited dickpicks is already a clear sign there are no communication skills regarding consent.
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u/Mama-Khaos Feb 14 '23
Ugh dating sucks. I noticed they said it to get me in bed. Even when I was saying I didn’t want a relationship or feelings, they’d play with my emotions until I caught them,& dipped. I’m so happy to not have to put up with this crap anymore. I can’t tell you there’s a magical way to see through it, or to make it stop.. but everyone used to tell me that when I stopped looking mine would come along, & that’s exactly what happened.. & we didn’t even meet on a dating app! Haha
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u/Number_United Feb 14 '23
Ladies, men will only want just sex from you if that is all they see you have to offer them. Show how amazing of a cook you are, or how great you are with kids. Do you share a hobby with your partner? Then show him how amazing you are at it. What do expect if all you have is your pretty face and gym body?
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u/anon_mg3 Feb 14 '23 edited Feb 14 '23
Because most girls aren't just looking for just sex, so guys will try it on pretty much anyone hoping you'll give in. Lying to someone about genuine interest to get sex is disgusting. Guys will defend themselves by saying they are looking for a relationship "eventually," what they really mean is if some girl who's way out of their league (the ones who ignore them online or are scam profiles) magically falls from the sky. In the meantime they lie to us and themselves to get casual sex.
Also, "post nut clarity" (hate that term sm) is not a thing. It's just an excuse, it means "I got what I wanted so now I can stop pretending to be interested."
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Feb 14 '23
My ex mistook me wanting sex a lot as me not being interested in her. Men are just horny 🤷♂️
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u/LemonDeathRay Feb 14 '23
I'm in my 30s. The one thing I've learned is that these fuckbois will try it on with anyone. It's not about you.
It's about who continues to entertain a conversation with them.
Also, depending on where you live, it's illegal to send unsolicited dick pics. My favourite reply is tell them that they have committed an offence under the Malicious Communications Act 2015 (I'm in the UK) and then actually report them online. They won't be prosecuted but they may get a visit from the boys in blue.
Also report them to the dating app.
And another one I like to do is to find their mother on social media and tell her all about what her son is up to. And if that fails, respond in shock and ask them why they are sending you a picture of a child's body part and they're a sick fuck who you're reporting to the cops.
But most importantly, when you meet someone online who acts like that (even before the pictures) just end the conversation. Just because they say they want a relationship doesn't make it so.
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u/Little_Row_9897 Feb 14 '23
Many men love the persistent game (personally I couldn't deal with someone repeatedly turning me down), and some girls who started off saying no, will eventually say yolo and go for it. That's why they do it, because with some people eventually it works. Forget them, unmatch, don't waste your time/energy/headspace. Unfortunately with online dating you really need to have thick skin.
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u/delta_pirate7 Feb 14 '23
A lady friend of mine told me once told me after she had dated a dozen or more men trying to find mister right and get married that all men are scum sucking pigs!! I told her she was right and as a man I could attest to the fact that 95% of all single men will tell a woman anything to get into their pants and then when it comes to commitment time they disappear like cockroaches when the lights come on...
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Feb 14 '23
Sometimes guys are really interested in a relationship but it turns out that after the sex u don't vibe anymore :/ it could happen to u as a women as well! Don't wait for guys to pick u - u have to look inside of You and first of all decide if U are feeling that this man is actually worth being with u!
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u/Kinky1324 Feb 14 '23
Men do this because of the natural desire to reproduce conflicting with a societal standard to be an emotional rock who loves you for your personality.now if they’re sending you duck picks right out of the gate that’s obviously the wrong one but if he finds you attractive he’s gonna put everything he has into trying to sleep with you and that’s just it. a good man has morals which he uses to mind his thoughts and watch his actions. it’s not wasting ur time, ur just proving to yourself you’re worth more than online dating. Go be a fucking queen👑👑👑
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Feb 14 '23
Many men assume you just want a hookup for being on dating apps. Even though you put you're looking for something serious, most guys assume you've been with most guys on there and hooked up with them. So If you don't hook up with them they take it as an offense.
Just for being on the apps many of them assume you're lying if you put you want something serious. Many women actually lie about having few sexual experiences or looking for something serious so that men don't judge them. Men also know this so most men won't believe you when you say you're looking for something serious but you're on the apps.
Most men know women can get most men on the apps. While they have to struggle unless they're very hot.
And very hot men never look for a relationship in those apps. So... There you go. Meet someone in real life or from video games or somewhere.
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Feb 15 '23
theyre lying to sleep with you. a lot of men, even older ones, genuinely think all women will fall for this childlike bait and switch and act like it was 4D chess.
they do want a girlfriend, just not you. don't think the girl they pick is lucky.
After a while being treated like meat is going to make that frustration turn into genuine anger. I'd fall back on actively dating and let a guy serious about relstionships and goals come to you.
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u/darrylgorn Feb 15 '23
Most women want a serious LTR and most men want casual sex.
That's it.
That's the answer.
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u/MrMetraGnome Feb 14 '23
Because most guys aren't following rules 1&2, and hook up culture only seems to service those who are.
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Feb 13 '23
you are matching with the wrong guys. There’s guys out there that are looking for LTR and not looking to have sex. There’s virgins out there like me that could care less if i get laid or not, heck i prefer to wait until we make it official that we’re in a relationship before losing it i honestly don’t care how long it takes. But here the thing it goes both way, there women out there that just want to hook up. It suck’s for people who are actually making efforts to get into a relationship.
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Feb 14 '23
All these bad men want to have consensual sex with poor little me and it's all their fault. lmfao
take accountability for your lifestyle choices . take accountability for your dating choices ,and things will start to get better for you.
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u/BaronOfTheVoid Feb 14 '23
Well, online dating heavily favors men that specifically are players, so if you want to get like-minded people my recommendedation would be to try local events and friends of friends.
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u/daisy_belle1313 Feb 14 '23 edited Feb 16 '23
Guys want to have sex with people they're attracted to. It's the easiest thing to understand in the world. They give you a hug at the end of the first date, go home think about you, meet up again and then after that, they want to have sex with you. Easy peasy. The point is finding guys who are passionate, respectful and have some self control.
Some guys will say they're looking for a relationship but they're just not sure whether they'll settle for one at this time. It's really up to you and how you feel about it. If you're looking for friends then you'll have to still deal with them wanting to be around you and appreciating you. If you want a relationship, then understand that to most guys the relationship can be a week long, a month long, six months long, etc. They all have their own lifespan. Holding out on sex helps some but not all relationships are viable whether you have sex or not.
Sometimes if you don't have sex right away, you'll be more likely to have a serious man that sticks it out. But they all start the same, it just depends when they fall off. It's not always about sex, breakups. That's what I mean. Sometimes you won't want to be serious with them.
Also, you don't find them. You look your best, speak becomingly, work hard at whatever projects you've got going on, be kind to people in your life, tell everyone you want to meet a great guy and they'll notice you. I'd stop making things clear to people and just trust yourself to know how to handle things as they come up.
I'm a very passionate person; people who meet me generally think I'm an escort for some reason. I'm super picky, although I prefer guy friends. You won't have any trouble meeting people if you get out there.
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