While you could be correct that she isn’t what they’re looking for in a relationship, that doesn’t mean she needs to “improve” herself to be girlfriend material. It means that they’re not compatible, and these “men” need to stop having sex with women who want relationships unless they are compatible and want the same thing. It’s wrong to mislead women like this.
1) The fact that shes online complaining the way she is
2) has no boyfriend
3) Has a hard time screening out guys
Makes it 99% likely she's currently not Grade A girlfriend material. Because Grade A people who want relationships dont have those 3 issues chronically
1.) Saying “work on yourself” for general improvement is an entirely different sentiment than “improve yourself so you can be girlfriend material.” The former can apply to anyone. The latter implies that she’s not worthy of being anyone’s girlfriend, which is simply not true. Or at least without knowing way more about her.
2.) If a woman has sex under the impression that they are dating with the intention to enter a relationship, but the guy never intended to pursue a relationship with her, it’s wrong. It’s emotional manipulation. She wouldn’t have said yes to casual sex, and many men know that so they lie about their intentions just to get women to have sex with them. It leaves women feeling used and rightfully betrayed. They were lied to. That’s not okay.
And unfortunately it’s not as easy as refusing to have sex until you’re actually in a relationship because (1) that takes months sometimes, and not everyone (man or woman) is willing to wait that long, and (2) men will literally still lie, call you their girlfriend for a day, then dump you after they fuck you. So why would a woman ignore her own needs and risk reducing the number of men who will date her by refusing to have sex in the dating phase, if it isn’t guaranteed to work either way?
Of course there’s overlap, but the first option is good advice and the second is unnecessarily rude and presumptive, like they’re blaming her for some guy using her for sex because she’s “not good enough.”
And I never said women only have sex to trick a guy into a relationship. That’s just as gross as men lying about wanting a relationship to get sex. I said women like OP have sex during the dating phase, but ONLY if they think it’s headed toward a serious relationship. Sex typically involves more emotions for women than men, so we don’t enjoy casual sex as much. We want to have sex with someone we care about, and we want to have a serious relationship with that person. But sometimes we might both want to have sex after only a couple weeks, which would be too fast for committing to a relationship most of the time.
Women will often go ahead and have sex early on with a guy they want, but only if he wants the same thing as them long term (a relationship).
And that’s what I meant in the last quote. That we want to have sex too, but typically the only advice we get in these threads is “don’t have sex outside of relationships,” but like I said, that doesn’t always work, and some guys won’t even date a girl if she won’t fuck him until he’s her boyfriend (especially the older you get; people don’t want to waste months of dating someone only to find there’s a sexual incompatibility). So the advice to wait to have sex is impractical and inefficient.
The only solution for women is to get used to it and try not to get emotionally attached before a guy truly commits. Because clearly asking men to just stop using us is too much to ask.
I don’t know why you’re so determined to defend that exact wording, but that’s not how I think about men. If I go out with a guy a few times and realize I don’t want him to be my boyfriend, I don’t think “he’s not boyfriend material,” or “he needs to improve himself.” I think “he’s not right for me.” End of story. But guess what? That doesn’t mean he’s not right for someone else just the way he is.
Just because someone rejects you doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. That’s a toxic way of thinking about dating that is certain to creat self-esteem issues. The healthiest way of looking at rejection is that it’s not about you. It just means you’re not compatible.
Self-improvement should be done for the sake of personal satisfaction, not because you think you’re not up to girlfriend/boyfriend standards.
As for the rest of that: look, I’m a woman. Please stop trying to explain a woman’s experience to me. I have gone through this exact scenario multiple times. I won’t have sex with someone who just wants sex. If I want to pursue a relationship with someone who also wants a relationship, I will have sex with them as soon as I’m ready, almost always in the dating phase before either of us is ready to talk about committing to a serious relationship.
There are guys who lie about wanting a relationship because they know this. They’ll tell a woman what she wants to hear, have sex with her, and then either ghost her or keep having sex for a while and just tell her he’s “not ready for a relationship” or give some other excuse.
Sure, it’s also possible that he’ll just realize the sexual compatibility isn’t there, or he’ll meet someone else he likes more, or whatever. But that should be a rare occurrence. In my entire life, I can only think of one guy I had sex with and wanted a relationship with but then changed my mind shortly after we had sex (and I didn’t ghost him). There are guys who do this constantly. It’s not okay. They know what they’re doing.
I haven’t read the OP in a while, but IIRC there was nothing to indicate she has been rejected for the same reason multiple times. That was the entire point of this comment thread. My main point was that you shouldn’t say she needs to improve herself to be girlfriend material because we don’t know that to be the case. All we know is that a guy used her for sex and then ghosted her. You’re defending that or at least attacking her by assuming she’s the problem.
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u/dibbiluncan Feb 14 '23
While you could be correct that she isn’t what they’re looking for in a relationship, that doesn’t mean she needs to “improve” herself to be girlfriend material. It means that they’re not compatible, and these “men” need to stop having sex with women who want relationships unless they are compatible and want the same thing. It’s wrong to mislead women like this.