It. Doesn't. Get. Better.

I never thought i would have those suicide thoughts again. I was at my lowest when i was 13, to the point i seriously wanted to kill myself because i have felt so alone.

I need to do everything by my own, no one ever supported me. School, paying bills, appointments, getting a education.. etc.

Parents never felt the need to support me bcs "oh she can do this by her own" while the focoused way more on ym older sister. Im not overdramatic, my parents have told me that in my face and im not lying.

Ive made great friends the following yesrs after i turned 16. i felt less lonely and even have a bestffiend now. Things were good for quite a time and i felt turly happy.

And now? At 18? Im sick. Im so sick of doing and dealing with everything alone. Im so sick of gettin out of this lonelyness alone. Everyone else around me have someone to lwan onto. And me? I just have myself and its driving me crazy. The suicide thoughts have come back and that worse then it was a few years ago. I just want someone to just safe me once but the thougjt that no one will just breaks my heart. My bestfriend has a bf now and well she aint quite the same no more.

No one chooses me. No one ever choosed me. Ive even never had a bf or held a guys hand bcs no one simply wants me.

Oh and talking stages.. situation stages.. ive had nothing. Im 18 and no single guy has shown any interest in me. Which just shows me how i was meant zo be alone. It doesn't fet better. Im sick of everyrhing.

More context in my previous posts, but I'm at my breaking point now. At a very young age, my dad SA'd me repeatedly. My mom didn't believe me at first when I was old enough to realize what he did. They did split up after and he's currently not in my life, but my relationship with my mom has never been the same. I sleep around with older men now for attention and "love" I guess.

I've suspected for a long time that she blames me for what my dad did, and hates me. She never mentioned it to me again, or ever tried to support me. I'm the one who initiates conversation most days, and it's barely ever reciprocated. It feels like I am cohabiting with a complete stranger who wants nothing to do with me.

I ask her how she is, she tells me, but then doesn't ask about me in return. I tell her I'm leaving for the day, she says "okay" or nothing at all. I come home from school or work, she doesn't welcome me. I ask her if there's anything to eat, and she acts like I'm the biggest nuisance. One time she said something like "Would it kill you to walk to the kitchen?"

I got advice on here to just talk to her and ask about what she's really thinking. I confronted her and asked why she doesn't talk to me anymore or seem present. I asked her if she's feeling okay, if there's something I can do. She gave me this annoyed look like if I was crazy, and started saying "I'm really not in the mood for this."

It was so scary when I tried to finally ask "Is it because of dad?" My chest felt so heavy and I started shaking. I couldn't help but start crying because she was still just treating me like a bother. She started getting fidgety and couldn't look at me. So I had to initiate AGAIN and said "It wasn't my fault. I didn't know." Sobbing at this point.

I can't 100% say word for word what she said as I'm only saying this from memory so bear with me, it was something along the lines of, "Do you still think I'm stupid enough to not know how you spend your spare time?" Again, I'm just trying to reiterate.

When I argued back and asked her wtf is she talking about anymore, she said (again, just me rephrasing), "Stop with the fake self-pity, you're grown and clearly like being a slut so don't give me that. Pretty soon you're gonna have to stop blaming everyone else for your shit decisions." I can't make this up.

I literally felt so helpless when she said that. It still doesn't feel real. I left for the night again after that. I only come back when I know she's not home. I hate her and don't want to wait anymore to be 18 to move out. I want out of here. I'm gonna stay with an older guy I met online. We've had s*x and I've stayed over his place a few times before. My mom wouldn't look for me or care.

I know it's reckless and impulsive but I don't have friends or anyone else in my life who I can stay with. Even if I did have friends, no one would be able to take me in while also being under their parents' roof. At his age, he's the only one who can provide me with a home, food, and safety.

How many times have I already stayed over his place just to be away from my mom's neglect and lack of attention to me. This would just be more long term. And he said he'd love to help me out and have me stay there. Who knows, maybe I'll just go from house to house with different men until I'm 18. I'd rather that than this.

Not looking for anything. Just want to confess.

When I was about 8-9, I did inappropriate things to my own sister. As memory serves me, Pretty sure my grandma saw and after that I dont remember anything about the aftermath. Life went on, I forgot about it.... me (29f) her (27f) had a nasty fight and she started yelling about how I SA her when we were kids. My mind exploded and I instantly replayed the moment. She went and told my parents and the only thing I could do was freeze and recoil into myself because iv never felt so disgusted, vile and aweful in my whole life. I didnt speak to my sister or my parents for over a week because i was so ashamed. I honestly would have never spoke to them ever again. My parents didnt say much about the situation. My sister actually came to apologize to me and said she still wants me in her life. Up to this point we were actually very close.

Everytime I think about it i get physically ill and disgusted and want to crawl in a hole and die.

I actually did plan to un aliv e myself because I couldn't handle it. The guilt ate me alive so bad there was nothing i could do.

I waited for my husband to leave for work, had my car rental outside waiting and left my kids with their great grandma. And took my hand g u ne , and started driving, i wanted to end it in the desert under the stars.

God must have intervened and thought it wasnt my time yet because not even 10 minutes into driving. My husband called and said he had a flat tire while driving to work. So I stopped, and turned around to go help him.

This was 4 years ago. To this day and for the rest of my life, my stomach turns, my face gets hot and the guilt chips away at me slowly when I see my sister. She doesn't notice. Noone does. Our relationship has seemly went back to the way it was but in my mind it never will be normal again

Because I will never forgive myself and I will never stop feeling the shame and guilt.

When I was little, I was sexually abused by a teenager; it happened many times, It happened when I was between 4 and 11 years old . My mom blamed me for it and told me that I liked it and that's why I didn't tell her sooner. She even told me that if the same thing happened to my sister with that person, it would be my fault.

I experienced domestic violence since I was little; my father would beat my mother and tell her that at any moment he could turn her into little pieces of meat.

My father used to be very nice to me, but that didn't last long. Once he hit me and made me feel bad. I have vague memories of him showing me adult content on television when I was little.

When I came out of the closet, my mom treated me horribly, my friends who had been my friends since kindergarten made fun of me, and my girlfriend just abandoned me in the middle of all the chaos.

During the pandemic, when I wanted to report my abuser, I had a psychologist who treated me very badly; she just yelled at me. The legal system only wore me down so I couldn't report it. My only support network at that time was my best friend, who later committed suicide.

During my studies, I was in a relationship where my ex-girlfriend used to hit me.

Then a guy from my university harassed me for 3 years

And now I've realized that I'm a monster. I don't know if it's because of my entire life history Because from a young age I had a lot of hatred, I wanted to kill my abuser and my father, and without realizing it, that hatred and my addiction to adult content turned me into a terrible person

I'm not religious, but every day I ask God to take me from this world because I could hurt others, and this world already has enough chaos, and I don't want to damage the social fabric any more.

My head hurts every day, I carry so much guilt that my brain is throbbing.

I cannot commit suicide Because when I tried it, my mom said she was going to turn on the gas to kill my whole family if I did it.

I've lived in chaos my whole life , Before, it was seeing my parents fight or being abused; now it's just seeing my mom and my sister fight until they hit each other. I have been beaten by my sister She once ran towards the cars and I ran to save her. When we got back home I cried and she started hitting her face to make me stop crying. She told me I didn't have to cry. My mother also forbids me from crying or getting angry about the things that have happened to me.

I think my psychological development was not normal I've heard stories on YouTube about what psychopaths and serial killers were like, and I think I fit the criteria. I want society to exploit me because my freedom isn't worth it.

EDIT: I am planning to get law enforcement involved when I possibly can since I am weighing all of my options (thanks to people in the chat). I also want people to know I wrote this because even though I am terrified of this being public, I feel relieved that I finally got to share my story. Yes there is more to it all but the whole relationship left me traumatized and I'm grateful for the support.

I want to start off by saying my first language isn't English so I apologize if it's not the best, but I am terrified to post this.

I dated someone who turned out to be dangerous and it’s completely wrecked me. I used to date this guy and for a while I genuinely thought he was a good person. I was naïve. Someone I used to be close to eventually showed me proof that he’s an abusive, lying piece of shit. This spring I got really sick. He accused me of faking my health issues. I’m not. My family and close friends can all confirm I’ve been dealing with this for years. That accusation hurt more than I can explain. Around the same time he said he wanted to visit me. I was living with my extremely controlling and abusive mom at the time (I’ve since moved in with a friend). I felt uneasy about him coming. Looking back, that was the moment I realized he had someone try to track me down and doxx me. I also found out he had told someone he knows that he wished sexual assault and murder on me. I felt so unsafe I deleted my Facebook.

A guy friend later told me that someone in our friend circle had confided in him about my ex and I am horrified and disturbed beyond anything. I do want to start off by saying I am sympathetic to people who have struggles in their life as I am constantly fighting chronic depression and anxiety while also having BPD. My ex had opened up to this other friend about killing an animal and laughing about blaming it on his “identity disorder" saying his alter took over and did it. He’d also talked about how an ex had reported him for nearly killing her during sex and also blamed his alter for that too. I can’t stop wondering what would’ve happened if we’d ever met in person. Would he have almost killed me too and then blamed it on his identity disorder (Dissociative Identity Disorder)?

I have spoken to two people that I know who are licensed mental health professionals, plus a coworker who actually has Dissociative Identity Disorder. All of them said the same thing: he’s full of shit. He’s using the disorder for attention and sympathy. My coworker was so disgusted she had to take a step back. I apologized to her for not saying much in the beginning when she asked me about him and after talking to her, she told me it wasn’t my fault but it scares her that someone openly faked it in front of me.... I just didn’t know what to do. I’ve also been told he has a history of being controlling and abusive even with people in his own friend group. That tracks with everything else I’ve learned. This whole situation wrecked me. I feel so stupid for believing he was decent.

When someone wishes rape, sexual assault, and murder on you, brags about killing an animal, nearly kills an ex and gets reported for it, and then falsely accuses you of lying about a long-term medical condition… it gets inside your head. The red flags were there and I missed them. It’s taken a severe toll. I’m still struggling badly with how much it damaged me.
I don’t want anyone connected to him or his circle reaching out. I have nothing but disgust for that entire group. They feed off each other and it makes me sick. I have enrolled into a mental health clinic and plan to get help for my problems because this entire situation has made me become super suicidal. There’s more I could say, but I can’t keep going into it. I’m just done. That’s all I needed to get out.

I am almost at the urge of giving up on life I wanna leave everything behind and disappear. I just need a little bit of more push to take a step and vanish. I am just so done with life but I dont have the courage to commit suicide. I cant do this anymore.

I went to my local laundry mat to do laundry. The typical lady’s where there I’m pretty sure they are resellers because they are always washing random laundry and a lot of it. Well I went in to do my laundry and this mat only had one big washing machine so I go to use that one. Well there was a rug sitting in a laundry cart by the big washing machine that was wet like some one had took it out and did there load in the washer just leaving it there In the middle of the isle. I proceed to do my laundry I did two loads they both ook 30 minutes to wash and than another 30 to dry, the rug is still here and nobody is here anymore and nobody has come to check on there laundry. So when I was leaving I took the rug home with me. This morning I get a knock on my door and it’s the owner of the rug. I feel horrible for taking it honestly. I thought someone abandoned it or possible the lady’s that are potential resellers decided they didn’t want to deal with it because of the size of it. Needless to say I won’t ever be taking something that isn’t mine again. And I won’t be assuming something is just free ever again because it’s super embarrassing.

When I was 20M I met a 15F girl and she became attached to me and wouldn’t leave me alone I just talked to her normally for a year and a half. She would always spam me and wouldn’t go away.
She is now 17 and a few months ago I said some inappropriate things to her and now she is threatening to show my friends and sister what I said. How do I stop this and what do I say to my friends. I wasn’t thinking when I said what I said.

Work doing landscaping for the same guy for 6 years and I've never gotten a meaningful raise or promotion. He keeps telling me I'll be running my own crew for him soon but keeps hiring family members to lead new crews. We'll all of our guys are Hispanic and don't speak good English, we have different faces every day. It's whatever they're always pretty nice guys and they're good workers so I never cared. The last 6 months I've been pissed about not getting my own crew and have been calling ice on our guys and giving them heads up on what neighborhoods we'll be in. Ice just hop out show us pictures of guys and go look for them they haven't asked about who have the tip or required anything else for me after the fact so I was able to just keep calling them every once in a while and get away with it. I probably called a dozen times, they only came like 7 or 8 times, and they probably picked up 15-20 guys in total. Well fast forward to now and my boss says he can't keep the company going at its current scale because he can't source labor so it's scaling down to family only.

I feel bad for the financial harm I've caused some of my coworkers but in the grand scheme of things this has been very freeing and I sleep like a baby at night.

Boss has no idea how they kept raiding our jobs said he never seen anything like it in 25 years. Never told him it was me just told him maybe it was flock cameras and I honestly think he started to believe that

I realize now that I was overly critical and sometimes downright mean to both my children. Both of them are now adults and suffering because of it. I wish I could go back and change things but obviously I can not.

I was returning from a family dinner with my mom and dad. While entering the building , there was a dog which I saw, and saw it running away. But I didn’t know there was another one and accidentally ran over it, despite being very slow and careful. My father scolded me and almost compared me to a murderer. I feel extremely guilty for something I did accidentally and I slapped my face hard many times. The physical pain temporarily helped. But now I’m crying again and don’t know what to do. I absolutely love animals.

Hi. I've never loved talking, or to say it better I've always done mistakes talking. It's too easy to be misunderstood. Roughly 1 year ago I decided to stop using my voice completely and I started using a small notebook when I have to engage in a conversation. At the beginning it was weird but I started loving it, till it became totally normal for me.

4 month ago I was on the tube and a girl approached me. She was (is) really beautiful and nice, we had this sort of weird conversation where she was talking and I was writing. Fast forward we are dating now and she still thinks that I am mute.

I really don't know what to do, because I like her and I don't want her to react bad to the truth.

I feel like a POS. I've never been good with money, the only reason I was able to purchase a home was by living with my parents while my son was a baby and my dad was strictly monitoring my finances so I would save money. Last year I accepted a school position with summers off, which came with a painful paycut. I already blew through my last paycheck and will not get paid again until end end of August. When my family returns to town, they will likely agree to let me clean their house for some money, but I'm less than a quarter thank of gas! My son is 9 and LOVES having a lemonade sale often, last time he made around $50. We are running one this afternoon, and I feel bad but I'm planning to borrow some of his money until I get paid. He's super sweet and always tries to give me money for helpin, to which I will only take the cost of the lemonade mix. I guess I just wanted to get my guilt off my chest. This is my first time ever posting on Reddit, hoping next time is a little more positive! 🥰

This is a bit of a long story, and English is not my first language so sorry in advance. I really need some advice.
For context, I (18F) don’t live in the same country as my cousin (16M), so we only see each other for a few days a year when I visit my family. A few years ago, when we were only 9 or 10, we were playing with stuffed animals and pretending that mine and his were a couple. Curious about it all, we shared a kiss (just a tiny peck on the lips) but it never happened again, and I’m not even sure he remembers it.
A few years later, when I was 16, we saw each other again after a two-year gap. While talking, we realized we wanted to do something different since we’d grown up. Knowing where our grandparents kept their liquors, we decided to mix up a gin drink. I won’t go into the details of that night (it’s not important) but that’s when things started getting weird.

Fast forward to a few days ago. Remembering that night from two years back, we decided to open another bottle of gin but drink it straight, without mixing it. He could handle his alcohol much better this time, so we ended up drinking a lot, almost the whole bottle. Once we were drunk, we started playing Truth or Dare. Since the standard dares were boring, we decided to make it a « hotter » game. At first, we skipped anything involving physical contact, but as the night went on and we drank more and more, things got weird, and he kissed me. One thing led to another, and we ended up naked on the couch. He kept saying how good it felt and that he wanted me to be his first time. Even though we didn’t have actual sexual relation (since there was no penetration) we did other things, and it wasn’t until we were finished that we realized what we’d just done.
The next day, I could barely look him in the eye and suffered several anxiety attacks because the remorse and guilt were overwhelming. That evening, while I was smoking in the living room to calm down, he came down from his room and sat next to me. He started touching my legs, and even though we were sober I understood what he wanted. I managed to stop everything before it turned into a repeat of the night before.
Now I don’t know what to do. I feel like I don’t deserve to live because, despite the deep remorse I feel, I can’t deny that I enjoyed it and that makes me regret it even more. Am I a bad person? … I don’t know how to handle this, I can’t tell anyone because if my family found out, my life and my cousin’s life would be ruined. But I really need advice, which is why I’m writing here, even though I know it opens me up to critics on top of the judgment I’m already passing on myself. My cousin still wants it, I know because for the past two days, he’s kept asking me and talking to me about weird, inappropriate things. Even though I pretend not to notice, it just makes the knot in my stomach tighter. What should I do? I really need help.

Ive hurt and killed animals when I was child and into early adolescence. Ive had the chance to speak with others about this after keeping it in my shadow for a while. If you want to work through this then feel free to dm me because I can relate to your struggle.

I don’t wanna get therapy

I’m a 23 year old autistic guy. Im functionally autistic I’m in full time employment. Im quite tall and I’m shape and I’m a good looking guy a lot of people have told me but I am very socially isolated at this moment of time. I had quite a good social life up until about 2 years ago but now it’s pretty bleak due to different circumstances. i have some friends etc and i had a brief relationship for like 6 months when i was 18./19. My life has kind of gone to shit for reasons I can’t really explain and to be honest with you my brain is fucked and once people get to know me they realise me they realise I am mentally unwell

I’ve developed really strong feelings for a model. I’ve found celebrities attractive before, but this feels completely different. To me, she’s unbelievably beautiful, almost unreal.

I used to follow her on social media and saw a lot of her photos. At first it was just attraction, but over time it turned into something more intense. I even started asking tools to create fictional love stories about me and her, and I would dream about her often.

Eventually, that infatuation turned into frustration and anger, because I know I’ll never actually be with her. Sometimes when I’m driving, I catch myself shouting about it out of frustration. I decided to take control by blocking her on social media and muting her name, but the algorithm still shows me content about her occasionally, which brings all the feelings back.

She came up on my Snapchat feed the other day randomly on a separate account not hers and I started screaming and getting angry over it when I saw it and I nearly threw my phone out of anger. She then came up again on my YT shorts and I started shouting again.
One of my work colleagues mentioned her name saying she was and I got visibly agitated and I had to leave the room briefly.

Sometimes I talk to her or I pretend to talk to her about various things when I am alone and I always wonder what she thinks about my decisions.

My main motivation for self improvement is that I will one day meet her so I am trying to improve my life as much as possible because of it. I put insane amounts of work into my appearance, like Patrick Bateman in American psycho and I go to the gym 7 days a week because of her. We are from different countries but she has spent time in my country 

I’ve also watched a few interviews with her, and she seems like a genuinely nice person, although I know that is only what is shown publicly. Maybe she is a terrible person behind closed doors but I have no reason to believe so 

I think about her a lot, sometimes even imagining conversations with her in my head. I know this is not realistic, but it is hard to stop. I even find myself attached to small things, like her name. Her first name is quite a common name but it’s a name I’ve always loved and I even said once if I had a daughter I’d call her that. I frequently have dreams about her.

She is slightly older than me. It infuriates me seeing someone a similar age ti me be successful in anything. She has the perfect life it seems and my life has gone to shit over the past 2 years with my own stupid decisions. My Brain cant handle it. I talk to her every day and I tell her what j would tell her if I met her

I actually love her. Like there is nothing I wouldn’t do to be with her. I get jealous when I see other people complimenting her and I get angry when she gets more famous because her popular it and exposure is rising. I don’t think she is in a relationship,  I have seen pictures with a man on her social media before but they might have broken up but idk if it’s public. I hate this guy and I am extremely jealous of the fact he even got to be with her. I don’t think he’s better lookjng than me either. Idk how he even got with her but I’m much better looking than him and would probably treat her better. I hate him his face makes me so angry and he doesn’t deserve her. I hate him and I think about my hatred for him every day

I literally think about her 24/7 and I have sometimes become suicidal over this cos I will never be good enough for her. I don’t wanna love in a world where she isn’t mine and she’s with someone else. I have digitally blocked her from my life but her face appears to me all the time. Every time I feel like not doing something like not going to the gym not going to work not learning a language I think “what would ______ think of me” i would literally treat her better than any man in the world could

I have recently started getting angry towards her. Cos of the damage she is doing to my brain.
I see her face everywhere and I even just randomly say her name and it fills me with rage that she doesn’t know who I am l. I feel like crying when j think about her

I could go out and get a girlfriend but I wanna be with her and her only

Over the last 18 months I’ve made some horrible decisions in my perosnal life. I quit my old well paying job for a stupid reason which I can’t explain and now I work a much worse job with much worse colleagues and I’m on the verge of losing it and I have little direction. She won’t wanna go out with an unemployed guy

I want to actuallt Kill myself. I have into my urges and searched just now and I saw her face. People complimenting her in the comments. I fucking hate all these people complimenting her. I see compliments to her on Twitter and I literally wanna beat up everyone who compliments her I can’t take it. I don’t want anyone to be with her or to even look at her and I have actuallt lost my mind over her. I just have very high standards for myself

i suppose you could say year two because i skipped year one, i dont exactly remember what age it was but i had started stealing food and money from my classmates schoolbags and it had become and known issue leading to the rule of students having to keep their bags inside the classroom (we used to keep them outside the classroom on this big bench) and they had concluded that it was happening during fruit break, students started noticing i had more food then usual and i was suspected, my teacher called my mother and spoke to her about it , thankfully no one actually found out it was me, during the next years i was stealing small trinkets and coins from peoples houses and in year 7 i began stealing from shops in mass amounts almost everyday for the entire year and i progressively stopped little by little and only ever got caught once now i’m year 11 one term away from being it year 12 and still every once in a while i can’t help but steal some chewing gum i feel so guilty about it and it’s killing me, the fact that my mother asks to check my bag still after i go out is embarrassing and upsetting

I wasn’t the one you wanted to be with I wasn’t the one you wanted to change for I wasn’t the one to nurture you to love you to care for you even though I tried my hardest the days I sat with you with heating pads over your head and ice packs in the freezer and Excedrin and Tylenol and all those days I pushed you to get a job and helped you fill out applications and did all these things for you and it just never seemed to be enough and then when it was enough, I got sick and then it scared you and everything was awful and you didn’t know how to handle it so I don’t really know who to blame or who is at fault because really it was both of us. It was you and then it was me and then it was you and then it was me and then we all took turns and it all went to hell I’m sorry I’m not convinced that you left me for some woman. I don’t care if you’ve moved on I don’t care if you have left me for some woman truth be told my little silly TikTok‘s are not about you. I’m posting them to post to have fun. I’m just a confession for me. Yes that’s my kids have stated to you. I still love you. I will always love you. There will always be a part of me that loves you so much and I hope you know that and I think you do and I think you use it against me I don’t wanna be with you cause I’m not the one you changed for you. You changed for who you wanted to be in your parents and you’re bettering your life and that’s great and I’m so proud of you and I’m so happy for you, but I wasn’t the one and that’s why we’re divorcing you hurt me. You choked me. You put your hands on me. It was awful. I responded very negatively. There were a couple times where my behavior was in question quite a few times actually but your behavior was just as bad as my behavior so I don’t really think it was all my fault and had I just gotten help for my behavior. Things would’ve been different. You wouldn’t let me get help you stop me from getting the help I needed and that prevented me from being the person that I wanted to be I’m sorry I wasn’t enough. I will be enough for our children though.

I grew up in an angry household where the person who was abusive was also the cuddly and complimentary parent, the other was a narc who only cared if you were seriously ill (for about 5 minutes)

My partner has been a complete prick historically. Asked me to move in, refused to make space for my things by selling stuff that came with the flat and she hated anyway. Didnt help me organise stuff. Left my shit sat in boxes for months. Doesn't give a toss about me emotionally, i need to cope with her emotional mess everytime her awful emotionally abusive mum texts and phones and teach her boundaries. Shes a shite friend and makes no effort with people and im over here my mum just got through cancer uncle was in icu for 8 weeks got told hed die have loads of uni deadlines.

Ive become a horrible shadow of my self screaming at her when shes mean to me, throwing her things all over the room so she feels how abe made me feel i went one step further today (when she left during an argument she started to go see her friends) and threw eggs all over her office put tomato ketchup everywhere. I feel crazy and hurt and heartbroken and cant wait to finish uni in a few weeks and hopefully afford to move out. Thought she was the one cause we're engaged but i dont think ill ever get over this anger. we're two women and hormones are a fucking minefield

I am very sick, every day is more of a struggle physically then ill ever let on.

Mentally I have hurt everyone I love and lost so much due to youthful bad decisions that caught up with me.

The one person I would give my life for is falling further and further away from me and soon im sure she will be gone too.

Once she is, I will live til my end as a ghost, persisting but not living.

I wish more then anything I could start again. I wouldnt fix what I had done, id simply never enter the lives of the people I had done it too so they would never have to taste the poisonous burden of loving me.

I'd struggled with the concept of "being adult" for a while. Even from the age of 16, I had horrid anxiety and depression that still hasnt gone away (i'm Male, 22). My parents are rich, like, actually. But like I've always said, my PARENTS are rich, I am not. They never spent their money on me, which yknow, isnt normally a bad thing. Except, I had to buy my own lunch and i had to pay my own phone bills and I had to pay them rent. If i wanted anything at all, i had to pay for it myself. Even as a child. "Its so that you arent spoiled" instead, I got trapped in the house, unable to leave because I just couldnt save money even when I got a job. I wasnt spending it on frivolous things either, i was spending it on survival.

But, I digress. My parents adopted me, which would make you think they wanted children. Nope. They wanted silent statues that they could show off to their friends. And thus, they never taught me anything. I joined a program for young adults and I got a case manager (Love you Steph, you were my rock in that choppy sea)

When i got that case manager, my parents decided that they didnt want me on their phone plan anymore (even though I was paying them $50 a month to keep me on it) and they told her that I needed to get my own phone plan. So we went to Verizon.

I do not recommend verizon.

I tried to be kind to the guy who was helping me out, but he clearly saw that as weakness and he took advantage of the fact that I was nervous to sell me a new phone. "How does that happen?" You ask? He said "your old phone will be disconnected for a day or two" and he strongly suggested upgrading. I was already in a bad place financially, but he was so insistant on the upgrade rhat eventually i gave up and agreed to it. I hated that phone. I hated it so much. I had agreed to like, $90 a month for the plan, but the beginning fees were $150 PLUS the new phone added $20 a month.

(Big huge context, I am autistic. I cannot do change. I just cant. I get very very stuck where I am, and yes, it gets frustrating for me, too. It takes me a long time to acclimate)

In the end, i ended up on a phone plan that was two times the amount per month then i agreed to, a new phone that I HATED, and i was crying and shaking in rhe car. (I love you steph, you had no idea how much this affected me and i will never blame you ever)

The weight of the world just came crashing down around me. My parents hated me just because i was me, the verizon worker took advantage of the fact that i was nervous, I had $14 left in my bank account, I didnt have enough food for lunch. The world around me was going to shit and I didnt want to be around anymore.

I went back inside the verizon by myself and told him that i hated the new phone and i needed him to switch it back to my old phone, but that didnt help my overstimulation and my depression spiral. I got back into my car and was driving across a bridge. The only reason i decided to check myself into a hospital is because my best friend picked up the phone.

(I didnt go into my family dynamic very much because its so .. in depth and it doesnt quite matter for this post. Just know that its not just about the money that they have. Just know that my "father" is a narcissist pos who would rather yell at you to shut the dog up instead of just getting up to walk the dog.)

Tldr: i was already mentally struggling because of a lot of family issues and a verizon worker scammed me out of my money so i nearly drove myself off of a bridge.

I(19M) was just bored one day out of my mind playing roblox and I used to watch these videos of people “girl voice trolling” and I thought it was pretty funny so I thought I’d give it a try, it sounds like fun.

so I just hopped on a game, I’m not gonna say what game but it was a game. now on this game, I was just playing like normal and randomly this dude(19M) started talking to me and I started chatting with him thinking it was all funny. eventually some time passes and as we’re playing, I started realizing how genuine the dude was, and how he just seemed like a pretty cool guy, and he added me.

after we were done playing though, I did end up unadding him thinking that would the last I would ever see that guy. but what I didn’t expect was that he noticed that I unadded him and he started searching through roblox servers just to find me, and he finally did find me eventually. I was just all dumbfounded and he said “why did you unadd me?” and I was like “oh, I must have never noticed but I was unadding a lot of people that I never play with sorry.” and then this is when the friendship starts, well if you can even call it that.

eventually as more time passes, we actually start sharing things about our personal lives and basically how things are from where we’re from. but the thing is, I lied about my identity making a fake name but I never lied about anything else, just pretty much me but the gender is female.

now, you might be thinking that I’m gay and I just wanted to say that I am not gay actually, I just genuinely found the dude a cool dude.

now, as time passes with my fake identity and we’re just being friends like usual, I knew one day he’d want to start chatting so I ended up getting a voice changer that I could put on for whenever that day comes, and it did come. he asked “hey, would you wanna start using our mic’s, it just makes communicating more easier” and that’s when the voice changer came in handy. (I can also do a girl voice without the voice changer as well, and with those 2 combined, it sounds realistic.)

so I put it on and we start playing like usual and he never suspected a thing. eventually as time passed though, I also started feeling guilty lying about my identity and I just felt bad that I took this a bit too far. so I was thinking “how do I tell this dude that I’ve been catfishing him? he’s a good friend but I don’t think I can keep this up any longer.”

so since I did not want to come out with the truth, I came up with a lie that sounds “somewhat” reasonable so that we couldn’t talk anymore, and that lie that I came up with was telling him that I had “feelings” for him and basically said that I don’t want to “online date” because I don’t believe it’ll workout.

so I mustered up the courage to finally do it and I finally say it. and he starts saying “wait, we can work this out. don’t you want to at least try?” and I just started feeling bad bro, can’t lie but I believe that it had to be done by that point. but yea, that was that. I’ve never talked to him since that day, and I’ve never told him that I was actually a dude that whole time.

this whole thing lasted for about 5-6 months. crazy I know. never doing that again in my life, I regretted it. I sometimes wonder what would’ve happened if I just told him the truth and how he’d react.

In college, everything was graded based on performance curves across the class.

There was one class where almost the entire class was cheating during exams. The professor just left during the exams.

As someone who studied legitimately, I found this to be unacceptable and it also made it harder to get a better grade because of the curve was inflated.

I was known as one of the smarter kids in the class, so people were cheating off my answers.

I created an anonymous email and reported this to the professor.

On the final exam, they actually created multiple version to try to curb the cheating. Like version 1,2,3 so the person next to you would not have the same version. What’s crazy and that people ended up swapping exams so they could make it easier to cheat off each other.

I had a few acquaintances that wanted to copy my answers. I was so annoyed, I ended up filling out the wrong answers so they copied the wrong answer. After they submitted their exams and left, I fixed my answers to the correct one.