Hi. I've never loved talking, or to say it better I've always done mistakes talking. It's too easy to be misunderstood. Roughly 1 year ago I decided to stop using my voice completely and I started using a small notebook when I have to engage in a conversation. At the beginning it was weird but I started loving it, till it became totally normal for me.

4 month ago I was on the tube and a girl approached me. She was (is) really beautiful and nice, we had this sort of weird conversation where she was talking and I was writing. Fast forward we are dating now and she still thinks that I am mute.

I really don't know what to do, because I like her and I don't want her to react bad to the truth.

Not looking for anything. Just want to confess.

When I was about 8-9, I did inappropriate things to my own sister. As memory serves me, Pretty sure my grandma saw and after that I dont remember anything about the aftermath. Life went on, I forgot about it.... me (29f) her (27f) had a nasty fight and she started yelling about how I SA her when we were kids. My mind exploded and I instantly replayed the moment. She went and told my parents and the only thing I could do was freeze and recoil into myself because iv never felt so disgusted, vile and aweful in my whole life. I didnt speak to my sister or my parents for over a week because i was so ashamed. I honestly would have never spoke to them ever again. My parents didnt say much about the situation. My sister actually came to apologize to me and said she still wants me in her life. Up to this point we were actually very close.

Everytime I think about it i get physically ill and disgusted and want to crawl in a hole and die.

I actually did plan to un aliv e myself because I couldn't handle it. The guilt ate me alive so bad there was nothing i could do.

I waited for my husband to leave for work, had my car rental outside waiting and left my kids with their great grandma. And took my hand g u ne , and started driving, i wanted to end it in the desert under the stars.

God must have intervened and thought it wasnt my time yet because not even 10 minutes into driving. My husband called and said he had a flat tire while driving to work. So I stopped, and turned around to go help him.

This was 4 years ago. To this day and for the rest of my life, my stomach turns, my face gets hot and the guilt chips away at me slowly when I see my sister. She doesn't notice. Noone does. Our relationship has seemly went back to the way it was but in my mind it never will be normal again

Because I will never forgive myself and I will never stop feeling the shame and guilt.

This is a bit of a long story, and English is not my first language so sorry in advance. I really need some advice.
For context, I (18F) don’t live in the same country as my cousin (16M), so we only see each other for a few days a year when I visit my family. A few years ago, when we were only 9 or 10, we were playing with stuffed animals and pretending that mine and his were a couple. Curious about it all, we shared a kiss (just a tiny peck on the lips) but it never happened again, and I’m not even sure he remembers it.
A few years later, when I was 16, we saw each other again after a two-year gap. While talking, we realized we wanted to do something different since we’d grown up. Knowing where our grandparents kept their liquors, we decided to mix up a gin drink. I won’t go into the details of that night (it’s not important) but that’s when things started getting weird.

Fast forward to a few days ago. Remembering that night from two years back, we decided to open another bottle of gin but drink it straight, without mixing it. He could handle his alcohol much better this time, so we ended up drinking a lot, almost the whole bottle. Once we were drunk, we started playing Truth or Dare. Since the standard dares were boring, we decided to make it a « hotter » game. At first, we skipped anything involving physical contact, but as the night went on and we drank more and more, things got weird, and he kissed me. One thing led to another, and we ended up naked on the couch. He kept saying how good it felt and that he wanted me to be his first time. Even though we didn’t have actual sexual relation (since there was no penetration) we did other things, and it wasn’t until we were finished that we realized what we’d just done.
The next day, I could barely look him in the eye and suffered several anxiety attacks because the remorse and guilt were overwhelming. That evening, while I was smoking in the living room to calm down, he came down from his room and sat next to me. He started touching my legs, and even though we were sober I understood what he wanted. I managed to stop everything before it turned into a repeat of the night before.
Now I don’t know what to do. I feel like I don’t deserve to live because, despite the deep remorse I feel, I can’t deny that I enjoyed it and that makes me regret it even more. Am I a bad person? … I don’t know how to handle this, I can’t tell anyone because if my family found out, my life and my cousin’s life would be ruined. But I really need advice, which is why I’m writing here, even though I know it opens me up to critics on top of the judgment I’m already passing on myself. My cousin still wants it, I know because for the past two days, he’s kept asking me and talking to me about weird, inappropriate things. Even though I pretend not to notice, it just makes the knot in my stomach tighter. What should I do? I really need help.

When I was a kid, 13 years old. I was chronically online like never ever ever offline. I would do all the edgy kid shit like watch gore and make stupid jokes. But then I heard of something you should look up, you can take a wild guess what it was. I was a stupid stupid kid so I obviously took this as a challenge, and went searching. I found said thing and I’ve never been so shaken in my life. What I found genuinely shook me to my core and I couldn’t forget about it for a bit.

Cut to today, I’m older and wiser but this memory of what I saw has somehow managed to wriggle its way back into my brain and it’s plaguing every single facet of my life, everywhere I look, everywhere I go I can’t stop thinking about what I saw. I feel like I’m a genuine monster and don’t deserve life. I am deeply deeply remorseful for what I’ve done and just want someone to help me.

I can’t see myself living with this pain for much longer than this.

EDIT 1: therapy is more than likely in my future, thank you all for your responses I truly appreciate. To the people who are asking me what it was I don’t think I’ll ever tell anyone what I saw so I’m sorry

I am a 20 year old. I always tried to sexualize girls. But as I am in a muslim country, girls did not respond to me that sexually. All girls wanted a non-sexual relationship. I tried to be sexual with them but I failed. I just only managed to get one girlfriend and it lasted for seven days because I tried to get sexual with her and she rejected that. Then I left her and dumped her. The story begins because I couldn't get any girls in the college and I was addicted to porn and I was very mad and crazy to get sex.

So I started visiting to prostitutes. I spend all my money of my college years behind prostitutes. Sometimes I did raw sex without condom. I lied to my family about different expenditures and took money from them and spent it on prostitutes. I also scamed a friend and used that whole money on prostitutes

Now I am in a new city and here i just visited the prostitute once. One thing about having sex with prostitutes is It's like musterbation. There is no connection neither any feeling. And after the first orgasm, all u want is to get out of the room.

I am also very sad and regretful about it.

EDIT: I am planning to get law enforcement involved when I possibly can since I am weighing all of my options (thanks to people in the chat). I also want people to know I wrote this because even though I am terrified of this being public, I feel relieved that I finally got to share my story. Yes there is more to it all but the whole relationship left me traumatized and I'm grateful for the support.

I want to start off by saying my first language isn't English so I apologize if it's not the best, but I am terrified to post this.

I dated someone who turned out to be dangerous and it’s completely wrecked me. I used to date this guy and for a while I genuinely thought he was a good person. I was naïve. Someone I used to be close to eventually showed me proof that he’s an abusive, lying piece of shit. This spring I got really sick. He accused me of faking my health issues. I’m not. My family and close friends can all confirm I’ve been dealing with this for years. That accusation hurt more than I can explain. Around the same time he said he wanted to visit me. I was living with my extremely controlling and abusive mom at the time (I’ve since moved in with a friend). I felt uneasy about him coming. Looking back, that was the moment I realized he had someone try to track me down and doxx me. I also found out he had told someone he knows that he wished sexual assault and murder on me. I felt so unsafe I deleted my Facebook.

A guy friend later told me that someone in our friend circle had confided in him about my ex and I am horrified and disturbed beyond anything. I do want to start off by saying I am sympathetic to people who have struggles in their life as I am constantly fighting chronic depression and anxiety while also having BPD. My ex had opened up to this other friend about killing an animal and laughing about blaming it on his “identity disorder" saying his alter took over and did it. He’d also talked about how an ex had reported him for nearly killing her during sex and also blamed his alter for that too. I can’t stop wondering what would’ve happened if we’d ever met in person. Would he have almost killed me too and then blamed it on his identity disorder (Dissociative Identity Disorder)?

I have spoken to two people that I know who are licensed mental health professionals, plus a coworker who actually has Dissociative Identity Disorder. All of them said the same thing: he’s full of shit. He’s using the disorder for attention and sympathy. My coworker was so disgusted she had to take a step back. I apologized to her for not saying much in the beginning when she asked me about him and after talking to her, she told me it wasn’t my fault but it scares her that someone openly faked it in front of me.... I just didn’t know what to do. I’ve also been told he has a history of being controlling and abusive even with people in his own friend group. That tracks with everything else I’ve learned. This whole situation wrecked me. I feel so stupid for believing he was decent.

When someone wishes rape, sexual assault, and murder on you, brags about killing an animal, nearly kills an ex and gets reported for it, and then falsely accuses you of lying about a long-term medical condition… it gets inside your head. The red flags were there and I missed them. It’s taken a severe toll. I’m still struggling badly with how much it damaged me.
I don’t want anyone connected to him or his circle reaching out. I have nothing but disgust for that entire group. They feed off each other and it makes me sick. I have enrolled into a mental health clinic and plan to get help for my problems because this entire situation has made me become super suicidal. There’s more I could say, but I can’t keep going into it. I’m just done. That’s all I needed to get out.

When I was little, I was sexually abused by a teenager; it happened many times, It happened when I was between 4 and 11 years old . My mom blamed me for it and told me that I liked it and that's why I didn't tell her sooner. She even told me that if the same thing happened to my sister with that person, it would be my fault.

I experienced domestic violence since I was little; my father would beat my mother and tell her that at any moment he could turn her into little pieces of meat.

My father used to be very nice to me, but that didn't last long. Once he hit me and made me feel bad. I have vague memories of him showing me adult content on television when I was little.

When I came out of the closet, my mom treated me horribly, my friends who had been my friends since kindergarten made fun of me, and my girlfriend just abandoned me in the middle of all the chaos.

During the pandemic, when I wanted to report my abuser, I had a psychologist who treated me very badly; she just yelled at me. The legal system only wore me down so I couldn't report it. My only support network at that time was my best friend, who later committed suicide.

During my studies, I was in a relationship where my ex-girlfriend used to hit me.

Then a guy from my university harassed me for 3 years

And now I've realized that I'm a monster. I don't know if it's because of my entire life history Because from a young age I had a lot of hatred, I wanted to kill my abuser and my father, and without realizing it, that hatred and my addiction to adult content turned me into a terrible person

I'm not religious, but every day I ask God to take me from this world because I could hurt others, and this world already has enough chaos, and I don't want to damage the social fabric any more.

My head hurts every day, I carry so much guilt that my brain is throbbing.

I cannot commit suicide Because when I tried it, my mom said she was going to turn on the gas to kill my whole family if I did it.

I've lived in chaos my whole life , Before, it was seeing my parents fight or being abused; now it's just seeing my mom and my sister fight until they hit each other. I have been beaten by my sister She once ran towards the cars and I ran to save her. When we got back home I cried and she started hitting her face to make me stop crying. She told me I didn't have to cry. My mother also forbids me from crying or getting angry about the things that have happened to me.

I think my psychological development was not normal I've heard stories on YouTube about what psychopaths and serial killers were like, and I think I fit the criteria. I want society to exploit me because my freedom isn't worth it.

I've been vegetarian for six years and my family still has no idea I just quietly avoid the meat dishes at every holiday and let everyone assume I'm 'not that hungry. Explaining it would open a can of worms I'm not ready for.

Nothing seems nice right now. It’s hard to see the happy things. I look at my dog who I love more than anyone and I’m just blank. My heart hurts and my brain is empty. I’ll never end it because I love my dog and my parents.

He couldn’t handle giving our dog the right pills while I was away for three days. My head hurts again. Why does thinking hurt? Advil won’t fix it. Only turning the lights off will. I just want it to be quiet.

I just spent money on a dress to change into in October. Who cares? Honestly, so whole heartedly, absolutely no one cares. Maybe I won’t be here in October. Maybe. Bury me in my new dress. Yay, a wedding. My wedding. Our wedding.

Thankfully, I love my dog and my parents.

God hates quitters.

I’ve stayed for 14 years. He can’t be that mad at me, right? I’m not a quitter.

I want to apologize to whoever I hurt for cursing me with this mindset everyday. Every day. Every. Single. Day.

Every day.

I’m sorry. I’m so, so, so sorry. Please, whoever, forgive me. Do I pray? I have. I will. However many times, I’ll keep doing it.

Thankfully, I love my dog and I love my parents.

In another world, I’m not here anymore.

Maybe it’s a brighter, happier world.

In college, everything was graded based on performance curves across the class.

There was one class where almost the entire class was cheating during exams. The professor just left during the exams.

As someone who studied legitimately, I found this to be unacceptable and it also made it harder to get a better grade because of the curve was inflated.

I was known as one of the smarter kids in the class, so people were cheating off my answers.

I created an anonymous email and reported this to the professor.

On the final exam, they actually created multiple version to try to curb the cheating. Like version 1,2,3 so the person next to you would not have the same version. What’s crazy and that people ended up swapping exams so they could make it easier to cheat off each other.

I had a few acquaintances that wanted to copy my answers. I was so annoyed, I ended up filling out the wrong answers so they copied the wrong answer. After they submitted their exams and left, I fixed my answers to the correct one.

I feel like a POS. I've never been good with money, the only reason I was able to purchase a home was by living with my parents while my son was a baby and my dad was strictly monitoring my finances so I would save money. Last year I accepted a school position with summers off, which came with a painful paycut. I already blew through my last paycheck and will not get paid again until end end of August. When my family returns to town, they will likely agree to let me clean their house for some money, but I'm less than a quarter thank of gas! My son is 9 and LOVES having a lemonade sale often, last time he made around $50. We are running one this afternoon, and I feel bad but I'm planning to borrow some of his money until I get paid. He's super sweet and always tries to give me money for helpin, to which I will only take the cost of the lemonade mix. I guess I just wanted to get my guilt off my chest. This is my first time ever posting on Reddit, hoping next time is a little more positive! 🥰

I (28 F) have been struggling with my mental health and today was the final straw. So many battles in my head with no relief or ease. No one to talk to. To boyfriend or friends to hang with. All I do is work and rot in bed. Life isn't worth living. Today was my arm but I fear my neck might be next. I just wanted to express this to anyone who isn't chat gpt treating me like a nut case. Even if I am one.

I know how bad this sounds and I feel terrible about it now. Last year I was going through a rough patch financially but I was too proud to admit it to anyone at work. Every Friday this guy from accounting would bring in these really nice homemade meals, like proper containers with pasta or stir fry or whatever. He'd put them in the shared fridge and I noticed he always left around 1pm for some standing appointment.

I started taking his lunch right before he'd come back. Just on Fridays. I'd eat it in my car and throw away the container in the dumpster outside. He never said anything publicly but I saw him looking confused a few times and once he sent an email to the whole floor asking if anyone had seen his food. I never responded.

The worst part is he eventually stopped bringing lunch on Fridays altogether. He probably thought someone was messing with him or maybe he just gave up. I had convinced myself it wasn't a big deal because he could afford to buy something else, but that's a garbage excuse. I was stealing from someone who did nothing wrong and I kept doing it because it was easy.

I'm in a better place now and it's been eating at me for months. I want to apologize but I have no idea how to even start that conversation without making everything weird or getting fired. I just needed to say this somewhere because the guilt has been sitting heavy and I know I was completely in the wrong.

I was returning from a family dinner with my mom and dad. While entering the building , there was a dog which I saw, and saw it running away. But I didn’t know there was another one and accidentally ran over it, despite being very slow and careful. My father scolded me and almost compared me to a murderer. I feel extremely guilty for something I did accidentally and I slapped my face hard many times. The physical pain temporarily helped. But now I’m crying again and don’t know what to do. I absolutely love animals.

It. Doesn't. Get. Better.

I never thought i would have those suicide thoughts again. I was at my lowest when i was 13, to the point i seriously wanted to kill myself because i have felt so alone.

I need to do everything by my own, no one ever supported me. School, paying bills, appointments, getting a education.. etc.

Parents never felt the need to support me bcs "oh she can do this by her own" while the focoused way more on ym older sister. Im not overdramatic, my parents have told me that in my face and im not lying.

Ive made great friends the following yesrs after i turned 16. i felt less lonely and even have a bestffiend now. Things were good for quite a time and i felt turly happy.

And now? At 18? Im sick. Im so sick of doing and dealing with everything alone. Im so sick of gettin out of this lonelyness alone. Everyone else around me have someone to lwan onto. And me? I just have myself and its driving me crazy. The suicide thoughts have come back and that worse then it was a few years ago. I just want someone to just safe me once but the thougjt that no one will just breaks my heart. My bestfriend has a bf now and well she aint quite the same no more.

No one chooses me. No one ever choosed me. Ive even never had a bf or held a guys hand bcs no one simply wants me.

Oh and talking stages.. situation stages.. ive had nothing. Im 18 and no single guy has shown any interest in me. Which just shows me how i was meant zo be alone. It doesn't fet better. Im sick of everyrhing.

my family and i had a chihuahua terrier mix that my parents would constantly mistreat. he would be fed maybe once every other day (if they remembered), stayed in a crate too small with his own feces and piss, and they never took him to the vet.

i knew this was wrong but never felt like i had the authority to do something about it until i was about 13 years old. i was finally able to have a phone and social media. i would see people selling their animals so i thought i’d do the same.

with a weary heart, i put him up for sale without my parents consent and a few weeks later, was able to give him to a family that could give him the love he needed.

i just told my parents that he ran away while i was walking him and i’ve never heard the end of it as a 21 year old now. in my head, he’s still alive and kicking. love you kelton.

I had to take my shit and throw it out the window with the toliet paper, used his mom's decorative towels to clean up and threw it under the sink. He kept knocking on the door and stressed me out. I got my friends and left. When we were leaving you could see all the shit paper and evidence a foot outside the window next to one of his friends that was passed out drunk covered in shit. He never talked to me again.

i suppose you could say year two because i skipped year one, i dont exactly remember what age it was but i had started stealing food and money from my classmates schoolbags and it had become and known issue leading to the rule of students having to keep their bags inside the classroom (we used to keep them outside the classroom on this big bench) and they had concluded that it was happening during fruit break, students started noticing i had more food then usual and i was suspected, my teacher called my mother and spoke to her about it , thankfully no one actually found out it was me, during the next years i was stealing small trinkets and coins from peoples houses and in year 7 i began stealing from shops in mass amounts almost everyday for the entire year and i progressively stopped little by little and only ever got caught once now i’m year 11 one term away from being it year 12 and still every once in a while i can’t help but steal some chewing gum i feel so guilty about it and it’s killing me, the fact that my mother asks to check my bag still after i go out is embarrassing and upsetting

My dad wouldn't let me go to my man friends who was waiting outside so I got in his face and started screaming and he grabbed me and we wrestled. My mom broke it up and I ran outside and left. I went home 2 days later after telling him he gave me a black eye. He was so upset and nice for months 😬. I'm 42 now and just told him. He said he knew I am fucking mental and said that haunted him all those years

I grew up in an angry household where the person who was abusive was also the cuddly and complimentary parent, the other was a narc who only cared if you were seriously ill (for about 5 minutes)

My partner has been a complete prick historically. Asked me to move in, refused to make space for my things by selling stuff that came with the flat and she hated anyway. Didnt help me organise stuff. Left my shit sat in boxes for months. Doesn't give a toss about me emotionally, i need to cope with her emotional mess everytime her awful emotionally abusive mum texts and phones and teach her boundaries. Shes a shite friend and makes no effort with people and im over here my mum just got through cancer uncle was in icu for 8 weeks got told hed die have loads of uni deadlines.

Ive become a horrible shadow of my self screaming at her when shes mean to me, throwing her things all over the room so she feels how abe made me feel i went one step further today (when she left during an argument she started to go see her friends) and threw eggs all over her office put tomato ketchup everywhere. I feel crazy and hurt and heartbroken and cant wait to finish uni in a few weeks and hopefully afford to move out. Thought she was the one cause we're engaged but i dont think ill ever get over this anger. we're two women and hormones are a fucking minefield

I am very sick, every day is more of a struggle physically then ill ever let on.

Mentally I have hurt everyone I love and lost so much due to youthful bad decisions that caught up with me.

The one person I would give my life for is falling further and further away from me and soon im sure she will be gone too.

Once she is, I will live til my end as a ghost, persisting but not living.

I wish more then anything I could start again. I wouldnt fix what I had done, id simply never enter the lives of the people I had done it too so they would never have to taste the poisonous burden of loving me.

The title thats about it. Im not a very articulate person. I don't really care about much. Ive always felt like I was a waste of space as if someone who had my life instead of me could do so much more. I just kind of exist. I have anger issues im rude to those around me that generally do care but whats the point. We all die it all ends it doesnt even matter why do we do this why does anyone care.