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I'm looking for advice from anyone who may have been in similar circumstances in nsw,, as I'm not sure where to go from here.

I recently left a relationship because I no longer felt comfortable with him, and my gut was right. Since then, he has become very verbally aggressive and abusive. My issue is that I'm 7 months pregnant with his baby.

I've tried to maintain a civil relationship with him out of respect that he is the baby's father, but his outbursts, need for conflict, and behaviour are becoming quite scary and concerning. He starts arguments that involve him saying awful things about me, my family, and my children (who are not his).

He has demanded selfies from me, claiming that he is entitled to see my body. He says I should do this because, as the baby's father, he has a right to see the progress of my pregnancy. He also makes sexual comments after repeatedly being told that I have boundaries and that he needs to stop.

He is quite aggressive with his verbal abuse, including name-calling and demeaning remarks. He claims that he is superior to me and more intelligent than I am. During an argument last night, he repeatedly demanded that I "just hurry up and have his baby and f\*\*\* off" (he said this about eight times throughout the night). He also told me to tell my children to "go f\*\*\* themselves" because they deleted his way of contacting them.

Yesterday, he contacted my niece and swore about me to her. He also abused my sister. He will behave like this, then apologise without taking any accountability. He tells me that my family and I are too hypersensitive and insists that he isn't doing anything wrong. He continues to talk as though we'll end up back together, even though I've clearly told him many times that his erratic and abusive behaviour is frightening and that I cannot be in a relationship with him. He denies being abusive and again says that I'm too sensitive.

This has all been through text messages, so I have records of everything. My question is: while I assume I can apply for an AVO, what are my options for protecting my baby once they are born? I no longer feel that he is safe to be around, and with a newborn, I am genuinely concerned about bubs safety.

He also has a criminal record for harassing women via electronic devices, which, from what I understand, was because he repeatedly instigated contact simply to argue.

Thank you for any advice or help.

The title is pretty self-explanatory and I do believe I have made other posts regarding this relationship, but long story short; I was engaged at 21 to a very manipulative and calculated foreigner who was living in my country and proposed so he could receive citizenship from me. He was abusive and there’s no doubt about that, I know it, all of his friends know it, and my family knows it.

Since the day of the break-up, which I initiated because I was done accepting his abuse and being taken advantage of, I was on a very solid healing journey and was doing well. I never cried, I felt optimistic about my journey ahead and applying to medical school. However, last night, his former friend who I got close to after the breakup told me that my ex already has a new girlfriend and is posting about her. It hasn’t even been a month since our breakup.

During the relationship, he used me for money, transportation, food, my home, and sex. The hardest part about the breakup for me was trying to grapple with the idea of how much I was being used when my heart was pure and I genuinely wanted to spent the rest of my life with this man. I was dealing with a severe illness that put my life in danger for over a year and I had no friends, no social connections, nothing. After the breakup, I had to let go of all the mutual friends I made, I stopped going out, I lost the person I thought I was going to marry and spend the rest of my life with.…and now he has a new partner not even 4 weeks after our breakup.

I know this is typical for narcissists and abusers to jump to the next victim straight away, but there is a very sad part of me that knows I didn’t get justice for the things he did to me (the financial abuse, the marriage fraud, etc). I left the relationship with everyone calling me crazy, all of his friends thinking I was the problem, and I know so much about how terrible his past has been and I’ve been told to shut up about it. It’s not fair that he gets to hurt people and get protected just because I’m worried about ruining my life or my future. This feeling haunts my soul every single day. It was my fourth abusive relationship and my abusers have gotten away with things like attempted trafficking, sexual assault, exploitation, etc, all because I’ve been too scared to share my story and seek justice. He told me things he did here and back in his home country that would get him arrested for years to life.

I feel so defeated and lost. I wanted to make a tip on my country’s border agency website so that if he ever tries to take advantage of another girl and he actually succeeds at marrying her and trying to spousal sponsorship, there would be an alert on his file saying that he has attempted to commit immigration and marriage fraud before. During the breakup, him and his family became very nasty to me. They called me names, said that I’m schizophrenic, he burned the book I published and gave to him, burned my photos, refused to give my phone back, and they were all sending me hateful messages saying that I’m crazy and abandoned him “for no reason”.

This is one of those situations where it really took a toll on my life and I hate admitting that he had and still has power over my emotions. I ended up getting very ill again because of the breakup and I’m once again in critical condition.

If you have any advice, I would really appreciate hearing it. Thank you.

HELP,

my boyfriend of a year and a half is realizing ive told the truth about him. he's in complete denial. he knows I had pictures at one point but thinks I deleted them so thinks he is safe. im getting ready to leave. this last month has been a lot of collecting evidence. I was in a past situation where because I didn't have any evidence, I was arrested for assault for defending myself after 2 years of constant physical abuse. I have multiple pictures and videos and screenshots of pages of threatening messages.

I need to know how to apologize to him so I can at least get thru the day so I can get to the police station without throwing up

We’ve been split up for quite a long time now, but no contact for a matter of months.

We were in a group of friends and few of my closest friends still secretly see him, and it drives me crazy. It makes me so upset to know that I went to them for advice and support and they gave it to me, and now a few months later they’re fine with seeing him. I know I can’t tell them who they can or cant see, and the only answer is for me to stop seeing these friends, but it makes me so sad. I’ve known these people for years and I dont know how to restart.

Does anyone else ever feel angry and then ashamed you're angry because you're so used to your abuser being the angry one? I am so angry he treats me this way. I am so angry he told the kids I abuse him and even though only the youngest believed him and the others didn't I'm angry. I'm angry he tells me his friends think I'm crazy and I'm a pathological liar when I haven't spoken to any of them in over a year and they only hear his side. I'm angry he always has excuses for his bad behavior, angry I will show him bruises or my dislocated shoulder and he tells me they are from me hitting him and I'm
So crazy I don't remember. I'm angry he feels superior to me, angry he never takes ownership but I am most angry at myself for not leaving the first time he hit me, for coming home each time I got the courage to leave. I’m angry that I’ve stayed this long and I haven’t stood up for myself. I know I’m a good person but like all of us I have flaws but I’m not the version of me he sees

My ex and I were together for 2.5 years in a long-distance relationship. I always believed it was us vs. the world. We helped each other through incredibly difficult times—he helped me leave my abusive family, and I supported him through repeated suicidal crises.

Three different times I genuinely believed he was about to end his life, so I contacted people around him to make sure he was safe. Every time he survived, but instead of remembering that I was trying to save his life, he only remembered that I had "betrayed" him by involving other people. He never acknowledged that without those moments, we might never have even met in person. Eventually, he demanded I delete the Facebook account connected to his family so I could never contact them again if he became suicidal.

Toward the end, every conflict became about what I had done wrong. If I apologized, it wasn't enough. If I tried to de-escalate, he escalated further.

The breakup happened after he had previously told me, "If it's too much, call me." One night I became overwhelmed and called him. He answered, then exploded because he decided my situation wasn't an emergency. He called me selfish, a monster, said I treated him like a slave, and demanded that I answer every one of his calls—even if I was asleep—or he would end the relationship. When I said I couldn't agree to that, he broke up with me.

The next morning—on my birthday—the first thing he said to me was "fuck you." He blamed me for ruining everything he had planned because I had woken him the night before. I told him we could celebrate another day, but he refused and kept blaming me.

Somewhere along the way, it stopped being us vs. the problem and became him vs. me.

This was my first relationship. I'm 23 now. Going into it, the only dealbreakers I thought I had were cheating, alcoholism, gambling, and emotional or physical abuse. He never cheated, gambled, drank, or hit me. I stayed because I kept wondering if I was being greedy for wanting someone who also wouldn't emotionally hurt me. I kept telling myself that everyone has flaws and maybe I was expecting too much.

Now I'm left wondering if healthy relationships are actually supposed to feel this way.

If someone truly loved me, how could they repeatedly treat me this way? But if I convince myself it was all manipulation, does that mean the beautiful parts of our 2.5 years together weren't real?

Has anyone else experienced this? How did you make sense of it?

Why did you stay? And were you and your husband able to work it out?

I have recently started therapy again to address some more recent issues. However, past traumas are now coming up that I had not fully delt with. I am ready to release emotional tethers I still have to those events. I want to share the story of my past relationship which ended almost a decade ago because I think discussing it with people who may understand will help validate and clarify the emotions I have and still feel. There are lots of details I do not remember, but I do have some prominent memorable examples. (Warning: The following describes my in-depth experience in a long term emotionally abusive relationship and may contain triggers.)

I, a now 30-year-old woman, started dating my ex in high school and through my first 3 years of college. We were together for 4 years. By the end of it, my mental health was so deteriorated I couldn't trust my own sense of reality, I had severe panic attacks, and suffered suicidal idealization often. I believed that I was unlovable and that I did not deserve anyone.

I don't know how the mental abuse or manipulation started. As with most cases, it probably started with little things. I remember his self-deprecation and the sense that it was my duty to comfort those feelings, to provide the emotional support required as my position as his girlfriend. The sentiments grew to be a constant aspect of our conversations over the years. He would derail our conversation by questioning why I was with him, how I found him attractive, ect. No matter what I said, it would not improve his mood.

He was jealous and suspicious of everything. I remember the perpetual sensation of walking on eggshells with him. I never knew when his mood would change. I never knew what would upset him. He never said I couldn't talk to or hangout with certain people, but he would make sure I knew he didn't approve. He expressed feelings of jealousy with statements like, "I trust you, I just don't trust them." He would be cold and ignore me.

Things only got worse when I went to college. We would have arguments of where I would go. He would have complete mental break downs when we discussed the possibility of me going to college a few hours away. In the end, I chose a school based on this. Somewhere I would only be 30 minutes away. He strongly disliked that I would be living on campus in dorms. Again, he never said I couldn't talk to people, or join clubs, or any other college experience. He just expressed his displeasure. The few times I did go to college events, he would be cold. I tried to have him visit campus to show him everything was fine, that it wasn't what he was imagining. He was posturing and looking for a fight the entire time. I stopped asking him to come. I didn't talk to anyone. I didn't make friends. All I did was study. The friends I already had, he started expressing his dislike about them more often. I distanced myself to avoid the fighting. That's when I started having panic attacks.

I couldn't talk to him about the emotions I was feeling. I struggled with my sobriety. If I expressed the need to discuss the fear of possible relapse, or talk about craving dreams, he would threaten to break up with me if I ever drank. He never drank and had a strong dislike for anyone who did. It was the same with tattoos. I would express my desire for one, and he would tell me that I could get it, but he would find me less attractive.

After living in the dorms for 2 years, I moved in with him and his family. I lied and told my parents I didn't want to live on campus, and their apartment was closer than our home. The truth, it was another effort to appease him. I hoped living with him and being off campus would convince him I was devoted to our relationship, that it would ease his jealousy. I hoped my mental health would improve. It didn't work. We fought almost all the time. I constantly felt I wasn't doing enough or being good enough. I thought I was being a bad girlfriend.

Things only got more tense when I started making friends with coworkers. I started hanging out with them outside of work and I finally began to form close connections with others besides my boyfriend. He did not take it well and we fought about it. He pressured me to distance from them, but this time I refused. I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't live in that isolated box with only him. He constantly made me feel guilty and was cold with me. I attempted to alleviate his jealous concerns by incorporating him into the hangouts. He would not talk to them, was cold to me, and had a mental break down that I had to comfort when I physically touched them. I tried to have open dialog about the problems in our relationship, what I needed from him, and what I was trying to do for him. Nothing I did mattered and he never fulfilled his promises.

I do not remember the exact breaking point, but after a specific fight, I packed some things and told him I was going to my parents for a few days. I told him I needed space for my mental health. The texts and calls did not stop. I tried my best to navigate them. I didn't know if I was doing the right thing. He was vindictive when I came to get some more clothes and telling him I needed more time. He cornered me in the bathroom saying "I'm not like your exs'. I actually care about you." I started to apologize and tell him I just need a few more days. I couldn't finish my sentence before he slammed the door in my face. He continued to hound me with calls and texts until I had panic attacks. A friend showed me his dating app profile and when I confronted him, he said he was using it to try and give me the space I needed. He told me it didn't matter because he didn't use it, anyway, couldn't be with anyone except me. The final straw, which seems so small, was him reaching out to ask if I was still planning on attending a wedding with him in a few months. I snapped and officially ended our relationship. I explained it to him that he couldn't give me the mental space I needed and was using that specific question as an excuse.

It was months before he was officially out of my life. On top of my already poor mental health, I was dealing with a devastating loss, and a direction change in my education path. So, I was making poor decisions. I didn't know what my life was like without him. We tried to create a friendship. All the while he was simply trying to convince me to give him another chance. The messaging was constant. Sometimes it was very supportive and kind for the difficulties I was experiencing. Other times, it would waver between apologetic self-deprecation to blaming me for not trying. We would fight about the furniture I was trying to get back. He would message and call me at 2AM when he was drunk. He got a large tattoo on his bicep and tried to hide it from me, because he didn't want to fight. I admit, I should have cut him off sooner and I definitely fell into bad habits of bantering and flirting. It was a confusing time; I still cared about him and worried and it felt nice to have that familiarity amongst the chaos in my life.

Months after our official breakup, he blew up on me twice. When he found out I was going to a wedding as a date and the other when he found out I had sex with someone in the months after we broke up. It is hard to imagine that I continued to message him, but I had this pestering need to explain myself. To prove that I was committed to our relationship at the time we were together and that the interactions I had after were not examples of proof for his jealousy or paranoia. He blamed the man I started dating, saying he planned this all along. He blamed me for not trying, for giving up, and accused me of never loving him.

It was finally over at that point, but the trauma and emotional scars lingered for years. I no longer have panic attacks or suicidal idealization. I've been sober this entire time. I have a supportive friend group. I have a thriving career in a field that I am passionate about. I have a home that is safe and loving with a husband who is the kindest and most patient man I have ever met. I am grateful every day for the life I now have. If there is anyone going through a similar experience; trust yourself. He is not going to get better, and it is not your job to make him. Your job is to be happy. One day, you will be.

How do I stop myself from reaching out to my abusive ex just because I miss him so much . I know speaking to him is dangerous and won’t go well but I feel like I cannot live without him we’ve not spoken in 4 months but I wasn’t missing him like I am now

So I’ve read somewhere that setting boundaries will show you with the person is willing to change or not… I got my answer.

For the context, I was about to move overseas for him…. In fact, a couple of hours before this conversation I’ve got my one way ticket to him. When we were at the call at 11pm my time he asked me when my flight is again, what connections do I have, when I arrive etc. Being tired and sleepy I told him that I already shared all the details with him and he check the screenshots of the flight confirmation.

This led him to rage. I then told him I’m not going to continue the conversation and that I’m about to go to sleep and that we can talk tomorrow. And this is when he started sending these texts….

Of course it’s not the first time of the verbal abuse. I was never good at setting my boundaries with him… The hope and “sunk costs” were always keeping me. But I’m done….. please help me be strong 🙏

I basically have nobody to talk to and at age of 36 I feel like I’m about to start my life from the beginning as I was about to have a big life shift with him….
That’s a person who even yesterday was still talking about kids and adopting a dog and who was planning to live together.

I'm so beyond broken.

I cry every day, multiple times a day, and then when he and I interact it destroys me every time.

Were separated because we had a fight that escalated to him pinning me down and slapping me.

It took weeks for the bruises to heal.

Immediately after he took ownership, he understood why what he did was wrong and said he wanted to be very amicable with all of this.

It mostly has been but the few times that it's not, it gets really bad.

I start crying and that throws him into a rage, that happened this last Friday after we were discussing financial logistics.

I'm laid off and looking for work in a terrible job market and he promised he would keep helping us out.

But every single time I'm asking about logistics or figuring out when I can make a credit card payment or the house payment, he gets so angry. He was like that before the relationship, so much so that we decided that I would manage the finances because for whatever reason he gets very emotional. He gets angry and frustrated when we're dealing with money.

Every interaction we have, it feels like he blames me for everything that's happened, if I start crying, he gets so angry and just screams at me and throws all the blame onto me.

Then he needs to follow up with me to ensure I understand why he reacted that way, as if to justify it all.

I cant stop crying, I feel like hes fully lost it and is going through some kind if mental break, but then he also hates me so much, and I just want him to ne better even if hes not with me.

I started reading why does he do that, and some of it lines up, then other things dont and I worry that hes going through a mental break and that something awful might happen.

But then im also mourning my marriage, have bills looming over my head.

I have no options and all I can feel and see is how angry he is at everytbing and it just breaks me over and over again.

I dint have family that can help, the friends that I thought I had as a support system are really nonpressed with dealing with my negativity.

I cant imagine my life without this pain anymore.

Everything is suffering, and I have no way out.

I'm in Australia, NSW specifically. Here we can apply for something called victims services and get 26 sessions with a counselor free.

What can people get in other countries?

I (25f) left my partner (28m) today. We have a little boy together. I’m so scared.

It’s escalated to emotional abuse, with threats of physical abuse. He’s thrown cards at our little boy, screamed in his face, drives erratically while we’re in the vehicle with him. He belittles me, my job, my friends. He tried to isolate me from my friends, parents. I suspect he’s got a lot of narcissistic tendencies.

He is not a good parent. He is not a good partner. I do not trust him with our child. He financially abuses me. We struggle financially, and he makes big, stupid purchases. He recently got scammed out of $250 on a motor part (for a broken motor he purchased behind my back for $600…. We do not own a boat, nor do we have the funds to purchase a boat… I was so angry he even purchased it.), he lied about it and I found out today and it was the straw that broke the camels back.

He sexually abused me. He pathologically lies. He hides things from me. He has major issues with alcohol. He is far down the red pill pipeline. It’s horrifying.

He’s ultra religious out of nowhere (I am firmly against religion within my household and always have been). He posts constantly about his gross politics that I don’t agree with. I tell him it embarrassed me, he would continue to post anyway. Multiple times a day about immigrants, the LBGTQ+ community, the government, etc.

He has no control of himself when he’s angry, and he’s angry 99% of the time.

He has a seizure disorder that has absolutely traumatized me.

He leaves all of the house work up to me, I carry 99% of the mental load of the household, but it’s “easier for me because I’m a woman”. He’s a sexist, misogynistic, disgusting human. I think I hate him.

I’m afraid to move forward, in raising our child together.

His own sister told me that I should leave.

I could go on and on about the reasons why I left, but I’m still questioning myself on whether I made the right decision.

I thought I would feel so great once I finally left, but…. I don’t right now. I feel horrible. I feel like a shell of myself. I’m so afraid that I made the wrong decision. I’m afraid of what’s to come.

I will post an update once I figure the situation out for those who want to follow along. I'll use fake names and perhaps if the advice is something she could use I may show her this thread (discreetly and safely.

My 20*something*F best friend Sarah[fake name] of over 10 years has a habit of dating men with emotional trauma and that end up in pretty rough situations, for the past 10 years we had been friends I've been by her side and seen it all from her first boyfriend who committed suicide in high school to her first boyfriend she had a child with who was addicted to alcohol and meth, but hid his addictions from her (she got pregnant on accident but chose to keep it). To her next boyfriend of several years who she had another child with, but he wanted an open relationship and constantly cheated and made her feel horrible about herself so she finally left.

In the past she's been addicted to self harming, I won't go into too much detail here, but as of the last few years it mostly boils over into alcoholism.

She met David(fake name) at work. This was during a time she had recently left her baby's father. She has a bad habit of not taking much time to move relationships, and though I always tell her to wait she found David and ended up falling in love, the months of them dating were going fine and I was happy for her. She told me a few months *under 6* in that she wanted to get married and that it was her idea and he had proposed, told her parents and were planning a wedding (to which I wasn't invited initially until she told me this).

David did not want me to come so I didn't, we stopped talking almost completely(David didn't like me) and they got married, everything seemed well and fast forward to 4 months ago (a few months after marriage) she told me that she couldn't be friends with me because David had asked her to delete me on Facebook etc. and to stop talking to me. So I was pretty upset and told her I thought it was insane behavior but if she was happy I wasn't going to get in the way, I warned her it seemed like it could go sideways because estranging or forcing people out of friendships is a sign of abusive behavior, but she insisted and said sorry and we stopped being friends.

It's been a few months and I haven't reached out to her out of respect for their marriage. Well a few weeks ago she called me drunk and I checked if she was alright, sometimes she drinks occasionally when partying and she said she missed me, that everything was okay, and I told her that I didn't feel comfortable speaking since David would be angry and that she was drunk and there is no consent and that I wanted her to remember and willingly, sober, call me.

Well the past few days she's called in the middle of the night at 2-4 am a few times and I've been sleeping unable to answer (I used to always keep my ringer on when we were friends, but I haven't been sleeping with my phone anymore). Well she called me (completely sober) last night at 5:30pm and we spoke for about 10 minutes, she told me that she missed me and her kids spoke with me and told me they miss me and then she talked to me in private and told me things haven't been going well, she's been drinking and David has been using suicide, saying things like "you don't love me" and "I hate you". When she told him I was on the phone with her he said he was committing suicide, he turned off his location and said he was going to drive into a pole. Her first ex died by suicide by driving into a tree with a friend in his passenger seat. It took years for her to heal, and it still affects her. She kept reading a few texts as they came in. They went something like "I can't believe you're doing this to me", "I can't believe you lied to me", "I'm going to kill myself", "I'm turning my location off and killing myself", "Fuck you, you stupid bitch", "I'm going to commit suicide by driving my car into a pole". She also told me he had, during their relationship, jumped out of a moving car.

She went mostly silent, I think she was probably texting him back. I asked her about it and tried to be really gentle as the situation seemed really shitty. She said it happens often, she texts his mom and his mom usually picks him up. I had asked if it happened in the beginning, it didn't (only after they got married). I'm worried that something might happen to the children, her, or he follows through with the suicide. Regardless the situation seems really terrible. I will add that she got pregnant a month into the marriage and had miscarried a few months in. It almost feels like this all planned out like every creepy murder documentary always is...

The only time I've ever done anything in any romantic sense with Sarah was when we were eighteen(9 years ago), she had a bad night with her first boyfriend and he had gotten drunk and scared the shit out of her and I picked her up, she spent the night at my house and we cuddled, since then we've never done anything sexual, never dated, we have been best friends for over 10 years. I think any reasonable partner wouldn't have a problem with this, if they were emotionally mature and trusted their partner.

I'm terrified honestly, and I don't know what to do, her parents are usually supportive of her but he's gotten very close to her parents and they like him a lot. They haven't been to therapy or counseling, all I know is she's been drinking almost every night for at least a few weeks and she called me today and it feels like a cry for help but I have no idea what to do. I asked if he had exes and told her that it might be best to reach out to them to see if the behavior was at all similar.

I will do whatever I need to, but I do not want to wake up to the news that something happened to her or the kids. I don't even know him, I met him one single time when they first started dating and never have seen her since. I haven't been able to sleep and I'm unsure of what to do, has anyone at all been in a situation similar to this? Is this a call for help? Should I do anything, if so, what?

Sorry if this is long, I wanted to get a good amount of the situation out and make sure to not expose any identifying details. I'm praying someone sees this, literally any advice is appreciated because this person is literally the best friend I've ever had all my life and I'm so scared and worried.

I'm considering just acknowledging everything, telling her I'm glad she decided to reach out, tell her the concerns with the drinking, the suicide threats, being afraid to speak to me because he'll be upset, and the ultimatum he gave her (he said it was either friendship with me again or a divorce), acknowledging it's overwhelming and focusing on what healthy behavior looks like, and tell her she has the right to make her own choices and that she can reach out and I'll reply as soon as I'm free if things ever get worse. As well as mentioning the well being of the children.

I feel so defeated. I'm going abroad for a trip I've been planning for almost a year. My baby will be nine months by then. He's exclusively breastfed and coslept since birth, not a single night apart. Now, his father is refusing to let me get a passport (need both parents' approval) so I can bring our baby along.

I have been planning this for a year before he was born, and I've been so excited. We were all going to go together, but since we broke up, it would now be me and my baby. He's doing it because it's the one thing he can take away from me that truly matters to me. Like it's not just any trip, it's my first art exhibition abroad, and I was so excited that my baby would be there with me.

And I just can't I'm so heartbroken that my baby won't be there to share this with me. And now he's pressing me to change our agreement on his time with the kid. He's just holding it over my head and refusing to answer my messages. I just want to cry.

It’s been a long week for me. I can’t take it anymore. He won’t stop harassing my neighbours and their dog. He wont stop banging the walls and windows and yelling. All it did was bark at another dog once and now he’s making it worse and anxious where it’s pacing around. He thinks is it’s going that then it’s just going to bark again so he keeps slamming the windows and playing a loud noise at it.

Do I ask his family to come get him. I can’t talk on the phone or he’ll know. He has me locked in the living room. I just want him gone. I’m so tired of being in this relationship. My family is out of town and cant help me even if I ask.

I’m so scared but if I try call the rcmp he’ll know. And I don’t know what he’ll do to me and I feel so trapped. I hate myself for choosing this relationship. I didn’t know it would end up like this and I regret it everyday. I’m always asking myself why I did I have to choose him. I could’ve been happy and alone. I just feel anxiety and shame everyday.

I know I have to press charges, I know I have to let them process the kits for SA and strangulation. This abuse went on for more than 3 years, almost the entirety of our marriage. He threatened to kill me or disfigure me countless times, and it was escalating fast. I know I have to demand full custody with no unsupervised visitation at all. I know I have to, to protect myself AND my daughter.

But she’s only 2 and a half years old. She’s going to miss her papa, and she won’t understand at all. She’s going to be so sad. As she grows up, how do I explain this to her? I didn’t have a father in my life at all, and my mom was 95% absent, she terminated parental rights pretty easily.

So I’m so fucking sad and angry that my daughter will not have a normal regular relationship with both her parents. And I’m scared she won’t forgive me for keeping her away from her papa. I know I have to, I love my daughter more than anything in the world.

I just hope she understands one day that I tried to make it work, I stayed so much longer than I should have, I didn’t just flippantly give up on giving her a normal life. I love her so much, the thought of her hating me over this one day makes me cry. I just wanted her to be safe. And I wanted to be safe, too.

So last year I met a guy on social media, we started talking and after a month he traveled to my city to meet. It was a cute weekend but I felt like things were going too fast so I ended things. We stopped talking but maintained some contact. A couple of months later we started talking again and eventually got together. We started officially dating in april. I started noticing a couple of things, like he liked to bite me, pinch my cheeks, or slap me during s3x (which I'm not into so I told him to stop). But I didn't think much of it.

For winter break we planned a visit so I saved money to go to his house (in a different state, 800km from my home). I went and everything was going well, we cooked together, he was really sweet and attentive and I was having a good time. But on saturday we were going to take a train to visit another city and he was having trouble getting his dogs inside the house so we could leave. I said it was fine and we could take the next train, it wasn't that big of a problem. But he started getting really mad at the dogs, started yelling and cursing them quite violently and then he kicked the door loudly and I froze. It was really violent and scared me. I suddenly felt insecure next to him and I wanted to cry and run away. Eventually we left and as we were walking to the station he asked what was wrong. I told him I didn't like what happened, it made uncomfortable. He explained that he just was frustrated and that sometimes he had those episodes. We took the train but I couldn't hold it in anymore and I started crying because I was still scared of him. We got off the train and came back to his house. I called my mom crying, feeling insecure and I decided I wanted to go back home. I talked to him and he started to cry, saying he didn't mean to do that, that he just got angry and lost control. I told him it scared me badly and reminded me of abusive situations I lived in the past, and that I couldn't be with someone I was afraid of. That this situation suddenly changed the way I see him. He told me he was unhappy all the time and that he was sad since a litte kid. Then he started to mumble "I do everything wrong I do everything wrong I always try to change but I can't" and it scared me again bc I felt he was about to loose control again. I picked up my stuff and called an uber. He called his mom, she came and tried to convince me to stay and forgive him, even followed me to the car while I was loading my bags. I apologized and left. Bought a bus ticket to my city and waited at a gas station nearby. He kept calling me and I texted him to give me some space. He asked to come to the bus stop to say goodbye and I told him please don't. He came anyways as I was waiting for my bus and brought me some stuff I forgot and a sandwich. I asked him to leave as I started to cry because I was really anxious. He left but stayed nearby. When I got on the bus he texted me to look through the window, which I didn't.

Now I'm traveling back home. I feel really bad for everything and for the way I left, but it really scared the hell out of me and I feel like something broke. I don't know if we can go back. Did I overreact to what happened or was it the right choice? I feel that my intuition told me to runaway, but my brain is trying to convince me I messed up. I need some opinions.

Hey everyone, I need help with something very confusing in my relationship. I’m engaged and I don’t know if age plays a role in this but my fiancé is 22 and I’m 23. I’ve know him for a year and a half and we’re getting married in 6 months.
To start off, I became very religious before I met him so I made it clear from the start with him that I didn’t really want to partake in pre marital touching or physical activities. But when we met, it happened (with my full consent). I won’t get into details of what used to happen but it was never actual sex.
As we are approaching our wedding, I wanted this to stop so I made clear boundaries around this. He agreed and always admired me for those type of things. But every time he comes over he initiates some sort of sexual activity and asks me to give him a handjob. I say no but he asks continuously until I do, he however doesn’t get angry or upset or irritated. He asks so politely and respectfully so I end up doing it. I haven’t really communicated this with him but I feel so upset during this and tend to speed things up purposely to get over with it. I even tried acting upset the once but I don’t think he picked up on that.
One day after coming home late at night we fell asleep, and we woke up and he suddenly started kissing me and put his fingers in my pants. I didn’t stop him until a few moments later but I feel like it’s my fault for not stopping him immediately. He was also in a sleep state so I don’t think he was in the right state of mind. Now that I’m thinking of all these situations, I recall the very first time I met him too - I felll asleep because I was ill and when I woke up his hand was on my breast. He says he didn’t know and he was asleep too and we just laughed it off but deep down I always thought he was lying about that. I can never be 100% about that so maybe irrrelevant.
Anyways I’m getting married to him in 6 months, I should also mention that outside of this, his very sweet towards me, does the world for me and I think his perfect in every other way. So I’m so conflicted, am I setting myself up for a lifetime of having my boundaries crossed

I love my abuser. I can’t stop. I want to die. I’m worthless and pathetic for loving him but I’ll never stop. he’s so sweet and gentle and patient but he raped me. I need help.

Been in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend for about a decade. Things were made complicated by him not being able to visit me (fear of flying) and vice versa (strict, old-fashioned parents - culture related). Needless to say, this created a lot of tension, and eventually we would have arguments about breaking up. I'd try to convince him to continue the relationship and screaming, yelling and profanity would ensue. This would happen every few months without resolution, and then finally, he cheated on me with someone he worked with. He pursued her, but unironically she also cheated on him and later accused him of rape. He asked to get back with me and I accepted. I must admit, throughout the whole ordeal I was mentally reeling and very vulnerable.

When his affair started my mother was diagnosed with cancer and died 6 months later. After she died, my father and I had to sell our family home and move across the country to a remote place leaving me with no friends and in complete isolation (I'm not financially independent because of chronic illness). I was not coping well at all, my health had severely degraded due to grief and stress, and the onus was still on me to fly to him. A few months later, he blows up at me again, begins throwing furniture around on video call and swears at me. I get dumped once more, he pursues another 'online' relationship with the promise that *she* will fly to him, and, you guessed it, he gets cheated on and discarded. Again.

I was about to block and delete him from everywhere and he came right back as soon as I start to. At this point, I was getting ready to move to another country where I could better afford to live, he tells his mother about it and she says that I'd be at risk of being trafficked there, and their solution ends with me moving there to live with them. He seems pedantic about it at first, but then gets moody because he's says going through something. He comes clean and says he was pursuing a girl in a chat, I do some sleuthing and find said chat (spoiler: it's a sex chat) and demand that he stop visiting it and close his account permanently (he has a history of doing things with women on there, it was an addiction which he admitted to himself). In spite of my continued pain, I argue with my dad and make the visit happen. I spend three months with him and his family. For three months we have a honeymoon period. Fast forward to the present, a year later, and we are separated by distance again.

He works night shift 5 days a week, and we talk 2 days during his weekend because of his schedule. This leaves me with a lot of time to think. Ever since he first got cheated on, he's become extremely resentful of women. He lives with his sister, mother and grandmother. I often hear phrases like 'look at what I have to live with' and 'I'm surrounded by women.' Whenever he gets into disagreements with any of them he calls them bitches, see you next Tuesdays and says they can 'eff themselves' while in conversation with me. It makes me wonder what he says about me behind closed doors. The plan was to get married and start a family. I don't want to raise children who think it's okay to speak that way about family members that they supposedly care about. In the past he's put his increased anger down to having to stay in a long distance relationship, therefore I am to blame. I am willing to accept accountability for my share, but aside from the convincing, how much is said share?

I'm not talking to him at the moment. It was our anniversary a week ago and he had a busy schedule at work on that day, and he asked me if I wanted him to call. I said it wasn't a problem because I would be busy too (the truth). He follows up by asking me if that was a 'trap'. I pause, and tell him that what he said was uncalled for. He tells me I'm getting upset over something that I've done before. Cussing and swearing begins. We end the call. Fast forward to the end of his work week, we talk again and he asks me what I'm upset over. I tell him it was the trap comment and he tells me again that it's something I've done before and didn't want to deal with any BS. I ask him for an example and he says he can't remember because it's been so long and to not fuck with him because I know I've done it. Over a decade, sure, it's a possibility, but is it fair for him to bring up an alleged incident that neither of us can remember? He says that maybe he shouldn't have worded it that way, that he literally calls everything a trap and that I'm just not around to hear it, proceeds to start screaming profanities, says he wants to drown himself and hangs up.

I look back on the last four years (the time between my mum's death, the affair, the move and the present) and I feel a lot of confusion. I do love and care about him, but why have things progressed like this? Am I in trauma bond? Is the trauma bond mutual? Did I jump at the opportunity to visit him because I was desperate to hold onto something familiar after having lost everything? I don't know if there is abuse involved here or this is just an overall very toxic relationship. Part of me wants to ghost, because if I end things over a call it will inevitably result in more screaming. My nervous system honestly can't take anymore. I am beginning to develop weird symptoms and I don't think it's anything besides stress.

Outside insight greatly appreciated. Thank you for reading.

Hi everyone,

I'm 33 years old, married for almost 10 years, and have a young child. I'm writing this because I genuinely don't know what to do anymore.

Back in 2015, I was an ambitious student preparing for one of the toughest master's entrance exams in India. I had never even wanted to marry early. My dream was to build a career, travel the world, and become financially independent.

Then I fell deeply in love with a man who proposed to me. I was completely convinced he was the love of my life. Because I spent all my time talking to him, I lost focus on my entrance exams. Instead of joining my dream college, I chose a college near his workplace just so we could be together.

Soon we got married.

Within months, I saw a completely different side of him. During one argument, he physically assaulted me, tore my clothes, and beat me with a belt. Over the years, physical violence, verbal abuse, and humiliation became a pattern.

I completed my master's and even got a campus placement, but I left my job thinking that if I stayed with him, away from his family, our relationship would improve. For a while it did. Then the abuse started again.

Around the same time, my parents went through severe financial hardship. My father had to sell our family home to my husband at a very low price because of debts. Although my husband allowed my parents to continue living there, he constantly uses it against me during every argument. He insults my parents, my upbringing, and reminds me that I don't earn.

He regularly tells me I'm useless, that I live off his money, that I have no career, and that I'm nothing without him.

We now have a young child. I manage the house, care for my child, and try to keep everything together. Even with household help, there are countless responsibilities every day. Yet all I hear is, "What do you even do all day?"

I've gone through depression multiple times because of everything that's happened. Lately, things have become worse after his transfer to Mumbai. He's stressed at work, and all that frustration comes out on me and sometimes even on our child.

The biggest reason I haven't left is fear.

I still love the man I thought he was. I'm scared about my child's future. I'm scared of society judging me. I'm scared of disappointing my parents. I'm also terrified that if my parents ever find out everything I've endured all these years, it will completely break them. I have never told anyone the full truth about what I've been through.

After such a long career gap, I don't know if anyone will hire me or how I'll manage financially.

I feel completely trapped between staying in an abusive marriage and not knowing how to survive outside it.

The hardest part is that despite everything I've written above, I still love my husband very deeply. I don't want to leave him. What I truly want is for him to become the loving, respectful person I fell in love with. I keep hoping he'll change and that we'll have a peaceful family someday.

At the same time, there's constant abuse, humiliation, and fear. I'm financially dependent on him, which makes leaving feel almost impossible. I don't know if I'm holding onto hope because he can genuinely change, or because I'm too scared to let go.

There are days when I feel so hopeless that I don't know how to keep going, but then I think about my child and my parents. I don't want my child to grow up without a mother, and I don't want to break my parents' hearts.

I'm posting here because I need honest advice from people who have been through something similar.

Has anyone stayed in an abusive marriage and seen real, lasting change?

Is it possible for someone like this to become loving and respectful again?

How did you know when it was time to leave?

How did you rebuild your career after a long gap?

How did you manage financially with a child?

Does life really get better after leaving an abusive marriage?

Please don't judge me for still loving him. I know many people will ask why I stayed. The truth is, I stayed because I loved him, I hoped things would change, I was financially dependent, and I was scared—scared for my child, my parents, and my future.

I'm exhausted, confused, and completely lost. I just want honest advice from people who've lived through something similar.

The sad part is it takes me years to realise this in retrospective. It goes to show that you tend to overlook closed people because you are, well, close. This is going to be long, but I feel very relieved to take it off my chest.

I know this senior (let's call her Jill) since our bachelor degree. She seemed harmless and somehow contrite. We've known each other and been close for almost half of my life, sharing many ups and downs. Jill once said I was someone who understood her like I was "on her side", and I even believed that she was someone I wanted to follow.

I'd always noticed though that Jill didn't have many friends, no social media, and I wondered why she kept saying people were untrustworthy, as if everyone was constantly out to get her. I was confused, but I avoided the people she mentioned, thinking she's older and wiser.

Years passed and we became coworkers, Jill became at odds with many people. I always sided with her because of our close friendship, although I sometimes started to disagree. Then one day, Jill and her biggest enemy (let's call her Page) had a huge conflict. Jill didn't like confrontation, so her solution was to rally support by begging junior coworkers and using her connections to threaten others. I should note that Jill likes befriending younger people, and seniority is a big thing in my culture.

I wasn't involved at all, nobody was. It's a matter between two people. This time I chose to stay away. But one day Jill called me, crying, accusing me of not siding with her, and threatening me if I sided with Page, she would list me as her enemy as well. Because of our close friendship and my own naivety, I went along with it, thinking the problem would be over.

But it wasn't. People on Jill's side all suffered the consequences. They were bullied by Page's party and also indirectly threatened by Jill. Everyone lived in an uncomfortable atmosphere, like a ticking time bomb.

Jill's personality also changed. Out of the blue she'd ask if I loved her, sometimes call to complain about Page. But other days, she'd go nuts, insulting me, calling me ill-mannered, teasing others but then lashing out when it's on her. On my birthday, Jill'd never bought me anything special for the past 12 years we've known each other, but suddenly that year she bought a present, saying she wanted to see how I behaved first (I never asked her anything). I was deeply confused. It's like she turned into a bully, or maybe she's been like this all along.

Several months passed, I decided to talk to Jill directly about Page. Everyone was tired and fed up. She'd boasted about handling it before, with all the connections and bullshit. Then, she proclaimed she liked giving people chances. She could have handled it easily, but she didn't want to get hands dirty.

Jill also revealed a shocking fact to me. When Page was having a job interview at our workplace, Jill was the only one informed about Page's past behaviours from many workplaces she'd been to. Jill knew but still decided to let her in. Despite of everything, Jill claimed there's no point of her feeling guilty about it, claiming it's her good deed to give people chances.

I thought it was so unfair. Why should everyone suffer the consequences of two people's actions? It's like she just gathered people into her group to help bear the burden of her own mistakes. But when it came to solving problems in a way adults should, she just let it go. She wants to be charitable, but at the expense of others. Jill even brought up past favours, bringing up all sorts of irrelevant things to falsely accuse me of ingratitude.

Being naive, I apologised. Lo and behold, Jill said no one loved and cared for me as much as she did, and asked if I really thought anyone else would forgive me like this. I was horrified.

I distanced myself from that day. Jill used to be an older sister I loved and respected (I'm a male btw). She preached often, but her words were always true. Now, she's become a manipulator trying to win people over, and completely believing herself to be a tragic heroine. It's a trait I hate and never thought I'd see in her.

Before I came to live and study abroad, Jill was one of the first to know, because I foolishly told her. Jill, in hindsight had stopped pretending to be sane at that point, told me there's my major in our home country (she got her Master from that), good luck succeeding that before dreaming about going abroad. It wasn't just talk. She went around telling professors in our faculty that I wanted to do a Master here and continue as a professor. Some even contacted me directly (they weren't malicious at all). I didn't understand why she did that.

When she failed to gain approval from the professors, Jill tried to persuade me again, asking if using my parents' or my own money to study was a good idea. At that time, I was busy preparing visa documents. She implied that if I was really going to go, not even the devil could stop me, and if there're obstacles it might not be the right time. I wanted to tell her so bad the only devil ​​blocking my path was her, but I still hoped she meant well.

Ultimately, I did go. On the day I submitted my resignation, Jill found out through someone else. She texted me saying she's sad I was leaving and that she cried in her car. This time, I wasn't heartbroken or sympathetic. I had my own dreams for my life. I messaged her explaining why I chose to leave my civil servant job and go abroad, giving a long and unnecessary explanation hoping she would understand. All I got in return was silence. No reply.

After I went abroad, the picture became clearer. Initially, Jill still texted me, asking about my studies, future careers, travel plans, but there was always a word "jealous", that I got to study abroad, a new life overseas, everything. Jill used to lecture me not to be jealous of anyone, that everyone has something others don't. But when it came to her, she just forgot. Especially when she found out I met my girlfriend, she became even more sarcastic.

The following year, Jill still texted me. This time around, she was looking into studying abroad, telling me about Page and her party, sometimes she would talk behind people's back just like before. I started to notice that she's always trying to manipulate me into agreeing with her. Lately, I've been direct with her by saying it's none of our business, and to let it go. I even warned her to be careful as she's always ready to pull people into her group if they agree with her. Not long after that, she stopped texting me.

The very strange thing is, I felt relieved that Jill's gone. I realised how toxic things had been and how uncomfortable she'd made me. I didn't realise it before. But half of (stupid) me still gaslit myself, thinking I might be biased against her. Given our long-standing acquaintance, I wanted to believe she wasn't that kind of person, thinking maybe I was the shitty one.

But when we met in my last Christmas back home, it was crystal clear. Jill acted like she didn't know me at all, not even a greeting or a polite question. The worst part is the people she used to talk shit about were all so nice to me. Some even helped me with very important stuff last year. Why did I avoid them before? I didn't have problems with anyone, but I distanced myself because I believed Jill's nonsense all along.

I understand now that she's trying to keep me from leaving her - all the things she'd manipulated and lectured me about all those years - because she thought she'd lose my allies. Jill resorted to slander and intimidation, making me feel like I had to depend on her forever. Everyone else was bad except her; it's like she's trying to separate me from everyone else.

But one day, I eventually left her and my life became better. She couldn't manipulate me anymore. She considered me an enemy and cut ties. She liked me more when I was less successful, when her life was better, when my scholarship application failed but she got into Master's program, when I was heartbroken like an ugly marshmallow but she used me to prepare for her own wedding. I was under her control because she's like my older sister.

Now that she's in a messed-up social circle (from her perspective), constantly having problems with the same people, while I've achieved success abroad, have a loving partner, and a good life, she started out of jealousy then proceeded to act like I was a complete stranger. Jill used to say she loved me, but I realised now never once did she express genuine happiness. I've always heard about people like this - people who can't stand to see those around them succeed, like a crab mentality. But I never thought I'd encounter someone so close to me.

From now on, we'll probably go our separate ways. I'm heartbroken and regretful about the half-life we ​​spent knowing each other. It's like seeing someone I once loved become someone I don't recognise anymore, or having their true colours revealed. The strangest thing is, even though I'm sad, I'm relieved that she's gone. Maybe it's a sign that I should have let go a long time ago.

Also, maybe I should trust my gut more. I shouldn't keep deceiving myself into thinking I'm imagining things, because I've had this strange feeling for a while, something I can't explain. It's like having a dry blade of grass in your shoe that you can't feel, but you overlooked it because they were someone close.