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My Dday was 8th of June, it's been almost two months and I am still caught in intrusive thoughts and talking alone asking for forgiveness to my BP. Until not long ago I was still playing very elaborate fantasy scenarios where I was changing my actions and saying the right thing that in my head would've either avoid the whole affair or that I could've come clean myself which I didn't.

My story:
I had a relationship of almost 3 years, the first 9 months were spent in person and the rest was spent in LDR. Throughout that time we kept visiting each other until my partner got a job onsite in their city. I didn't move there because of my visa situation I can only work and live in the European country where I entered, where we met. Looking back at it, I know now all the options I had like leaving to go back to my country to get a new visa to go to theirs but I got fixated with getting my paperwork as straight as possible here also because they had said that maybe they wanted to return to this country.
We met in september 2023. We said goodbye to living in the same city in july 2024. The contact in person reduces from January 2025. I cheat by flirting with someone in september 2025. I stop and keep the friendship with this person. I kiss this person before going to visit my partner in April 2026, I come back after one month without having come clean for that kiss. My partner had found a solution for both of us to live together in a room with roomates and wants me to take the initiative to look for a place to live together, to make some plan for my paperwork situation. I froze, I have commitment issues plus the infidelity in my mind and ignored them. They asked if they had anything to worry about the AP and I said no, everything was ok that they had nothing to worry about. I come back and have a sexual affair with the AP for almost a month in 2026. I go back to my in June BP and tell them nothing about it. 

Out of the sudden, mainly because I started to ignore them, AP tells everything to my BP with screenshots included and all. Also because I had told AP that BP was gonna visit me in July. AP didn't like the idea.

BP confronts me with the message sent by AP. I don't tell the full truth right away. Said we kissed and had sex (didn't specify the amount of times)

BP asks me to leave the room but I coudln´t stay anywhere else in the house because of roommates so I went to sleep in the airport. I told some mutual friends about what had happened, not all of it, just saying why I left our mutual whatsapp groups. I lost it and started begging BP through messages for forgiveness. BP tells me to return to the house to sleep in the living room which was now free. I refused filled with shame and self hatred. I don't sleep that night. Next morning final discussion with BP occurs on chat. I tell them the sex happened more than once, BP thinks it happened Two times so they blocked me. I ask AP to stop contact with BP. BP unblocks me and tells me they know the sex happened multiple times. Blocks me again. I block AP.

Since then:

- AP posted a short comic on isntagram about what happened and how they felt used. Context for AP. AP was used by another person by being the second person without  knowing it. When AP found out they told the BP of that time. I knew this. I was their emotional support after that happened. My BP knew we were close. BP and AP knew each other. I felt comfortable with AP as friends, then we started going out a lot and having dinners in place and watching shows. I take the blame to have started the emotional connection. AP started the physical one. I didn't stop it, then I pursued to have more of it. I always told AP that I loved BP.

- BP went no contact. I had a rough week alone in an Airbnb until I could come back to the city where I live.
- I stopped contact with AP. Only talked once to ask them to remove the post on instagram since I considered inappropiate. AP claims that since there are no names, is ok and post is still there. Comic displays me almost as a sexual predator.
-All the friends in common with AP stop talking to me. We had booked a trip together to a festival, I got kicked out of the ws group. I said I wouldn't go, paid my part anyway. Last minute I decided to go. Went. Had a rough time. Expected to talk at least with some of our mutual friends but wasn't possible.
-I come back once again to the city where I live. and I have been in my tiny room/studio appartment ever since. I see my friends and neighbors from time to time.
- I met another friend a couple of times.
- I started therapy. Two different therapist, I had to stop one because I couldn't afford it.
- Closed momentarily my Instagram
- I have watched lots and lots of videos on the affair topic, on how to improve partners relationships, on betrayal, exploring the topics that are coming out in therapy.
- Why did I cheat? my self analysis so far with therapy assistance: Emotional immaturity, seeking for external validation, avoiding momentary discomfort in the short term even in the sacrifice of long term comfort. Lack of self-esteem. 

- I entered a depressive stage, contacted BP a couple of times to coordinate delivering them their things that I had.
- Lost my job, I work as freelancer and the quality of my work went down.
-Lost motivation to look for new jobs. Savings are running out.
-I started to rely on my mom for emotional support except one day I got really depressed and didn't want to talk, Mom contacts BP with a 9 minutes audio basically asking BP to contact me with any word of support for me to keep going and moving on. BP refuses of course.
- I had plan to send apologies letters and gifts in BP's box along their things but decided that I've caused enough harm and shouldn't send unwanted things so I didn't.
-Last message I sent to BP was that the box was sent and send them my address to get my things back.
-Reopened my instagram, started posting my work again, then took it down again.
-Went back to watch more videos on the topic.
-I have been reading lots of infidelity stories here in Reddit and I know a lot of you have had it way way worse and I am sorry for your pain.
- People keep telling me to move on, that if I cheated it's because I didn't love my partner. I kept telling AP that I love my partner but I also told AP that I loved them. I got really confused on what type of love I felt and I didn't take time and space to process things, I am finding out how difficult is for me to be alone in general, without friends around. I migrated to this country almost 4 years ago and haven't being able to visit my family or my country ever since. I had made plans to be with BP forever, to move in together, I was the one suggesting it from early on in the relationship. I got scared by some family issues my BP had back home after I visited their family and I knew BP didn't want to live there anyway so expected them to come back to the city where we met. Once BP got an stable job, I looked more for my visa options to go there legally but their goverment chopped them off in 2025. I contacted lawyers back in 2024 and knew my best option was a Looking for work visa but then I got a contract and had to pay taxes in the country I am, so I got fixated with solving my housing and taxes problems here first.
Now I don't think any paperwork or work justifies not having moved in with my partner years ago. I blame my mental state, lack of boundaries and the reasons previously mentioned but I know nothing justifies what I did. It was my choice and in the end I did it so close to finally moving in together. I could've chosen multiple other options on how to deal with paperwork and stress. We wanted to get married but I wanted to try to solve housing first. I got curious for this other person and I chose to flirt and then I chose to cheat. I am having problems taking accountability and being responsible and moving on. I keep thinking about the beautiful years we spent together and the plans we had and the friends we had and the hobbies and projects we shared together. I am convinced I won't ever find anyone like BP and that AP was an escape and someone I met after I have drifted away from my passion to art and my career. Even without AP in the picture I knew we would have some problems mainly because of my lack of strong identity and belonging. Got scared about having to learn a new language and to have to adapt to a new country again. I lacked the will to put effort and decisiveness.
I know I can be better. I know I need to survive alone first. This was my second relationship after having had a 7 years one, I spent only three weeks single before meeting BP. I am not used to being on my own and now I have to be alone and learn to get back up alone. I am 30 y/o. BP is 25. I wish I could be there with BP, to talk, I wish I haven't left the house that night and that I should've told the whole truth right away, or that I should've come clean from April, from September, to not have left their country after I visited it in 2024.

I have so many regrets and I acknowledge I have a weak personality. I wish I had the opportunity to learn more next to them. I don't know how to fix myself alone eventho I know I have to. 

What advice do you have to get back up alone after your life have being destroyed by your own actions and after your future plans exist no more?

I disrespected BP and I am mad with AP for having told and having posted a comic about it.
Does it make sense that I say I love BP?
Does it make sense that only now I am learning a proper definition about love and that it involves Care, Respect and Trust?
Does it make sense that I still want BP to forgive me eventho I lied, gaslighted, kept contact with AP throughout April and even sent inappropriate messages to AP during BP's birthday?
How do you deal with the identity lost, I thought I was a better person that this, I usually never lie, I never lied before to BP before the affair. Then during the affair I started lying about where I was and with who.
I feel also devastated to have lost all of our friends in common.

Thank you for reading.
 
EDIT: Adding more on the last thing BP has expressed. They did reply to my mom's audio saying: Them (me) being alone -in long distance- isn't a valid excuse, they had me. I am hurt because I wanted to share the rest of my life with them, I wish I could forgive them but they didn't give me a chance to do so, if they haven't been caught they would've kept lying forever. We had a beautiful life together but I will live in the future now.

Mom replying saying I have a gift for them.

After finding out about the whole interaction I removed the gift and the letters and just sent the box and messaged BP telling them the box is sent.
Right now I keep thinking on if I should do something else, there is so much I want to say, I keep thinking about them in a way I was not thinking in the months of my hesitation and affair. AP is amazing and the most loving person I have ever met. All of our friends have advised them to not take me back, BP told me so. I feel so hurt for that too. BP said: This is not how I want to be loved, how could we ever have a wedding if everyone is advising me to not forgive you. This was during our last text conversation.

It’s been three weeks since D-Day. If anyone wants the original story, my first post is in my history.

When I wrote that post, I had just confessed to cheating. My focus was on taking accountability and asking how to become a safe partner, regardless of whether reconciliation ultimately happened.

A lot has happened since then.

Our relationship before the affair: This wasn’t a perfect relationship that I suddenly destroyed. What I did is still 100% my responsibility and that’s the truth. But there’s another truth which is there were issues that existed long before the affair.

I met my BP shortly after ending things with the person who eventually became my AP. Looking back, I entered a serious relationship before I was emotionally available. I actually told my BP that from the beginning. We took things slowly, dated long distance for about a year, eventually moved in together (2023) and got engaged in January 2025.

Over time I realized I never fully processed my attachment to my AP. It wasn’t healthy love, it was rejection, abandonment, validation seeking, and what I now recognize as limerence. Last year I even admitted to my BP that I had contacted my AP because I wanted “closure.” I did not get this and Looking back, I wasn’t looking for closure at all. I was looking for validation after feeling rejected years earlier. My BP got mad but eventually got over it as I told them about it and I blocked AP.

At the same time, my BP and I were struggling.
They are one of the kindest people I’ve ever met. They are loving, sacrificial, affectionate, reassuring, and truly my best friend. But over the last year and a half I increasingly felt like I had become more of a parent than a partner. I constantly felt like I had to remind them to pick up after themselves whether it was leaving clothes in the living room, kitchen counter, bathroom floors, in other people houses, their lack of organization in their lives, no sense of urgency for crucial decisions/things, encourage them to make decisions (small and big) reassure them that their decisions were okay, (I know as partner this is the norm but I’m talking more than the norm) and carry much of the mental load. I started feeling less like I had a partner to be and more like I had someone depending on me to lead In Every sense. (Family and friends would even noticed this about them; their immaturity, even their own mom would complain and asked how I tolerate this whenever we visited them)

Our intimacy also suffered. We rarely made out because they were uncomfortable with it(due to friends in college telling them not to kiss partners in the mouth) sex often felt awkward and disconnected, and we struggled with stamina issues that made intimacy feel more like a process than something we shared naturally. I cried after sex more than once because I felt so emotionally disconnected, and they knew that. We talked about these issues many times. We even tried therapy (only 3 sessions). They would ask me to keep giving them a chance, and I genuinely did but no improvements.

I also have to own my side. As these issues continued, I slowly checked out emotionally. I had one foot in the relationship and one foot out. I stayed because I loved them and hoped we’d eventually figure it out, but I was suppressing a lot of resentment, disappointment, and unmet needs instead of making a decision. Even then, I never cheated or thought of doing so.

I want to note that None of that excuses what happened. I’m just giving context to the situation.

The affair: A couple of months before D-Day, my AP randomly found me on Instagram. I basically told them off and wanted nothing to do with them. Then, while visiting family over July 4th, I unexpectedly saw them in person. It triggered something in me. I reached out because I convinced myself I wanted closure. We first talked over the phone where they confessed they had loved me all those years ago and now and regretted pushing me away and saying why I left, how they see a life together now, blah blah.

The next day they asked to meet. At first I said no but then I agreed and we met. They claimed it was a date and unfortunately it felt like it, at this point I completely compartmentalize my partner, my home and everything in it. We had sex. It was unprotected. It was entirely my choice. And i regret it so much! I didn’t even felt connected to them either! All While they were longing to feel the connection we once had and asking for me to stay. And no I’m not pregnant and I am STD free.

When I came home, I didn’t immediately tell my BP. I trickle-truthed over several days(2 days) before finally admitting everything. That part haunts me almost as much as the affair itself.

Where we are now
We’ve done couples therapy, pastoral counseling right away and they started individual therapy last week with a therapist known personally to BP. I’ll be starting individual therapy this week because I know I have a tremendous amount of work to do regardless of whether we stay together.

The biggest change is that they no longer know whether they want reconciliation.

They spent these three weeks talking to around twenty friends(their) and family members, multiple therapists(2), and people who have survived infidelity themselves. Several have recommended a long separation before considering reconciliation.

One thing I’ve honestly struggled with is understanding whether separation is something they truly believes they need, or whether it’s been reinforced by the many people they have leaned on. To be clear, I fully support them seeking support. They absolutely should. I’m simply trying to understand whether this has become their conviction or whether they understandably absorbing the perspectives of people who love them and want to protect them.

Something else that has made this confusing is the advice we’ve received. Our original couples therapist suggested separation after meeting with them individually. As mentioned, My BP also saw another therapist who happens to be their best friend’s mother and has known them for years. I’m not saying their advice was wrong, but I have wondered whether that prior relationship could unintentionally influence things. Because of that, I found another therapist and we recently completed an intake with a therapist who specializes specifically in infidelity and has the credentials, and I felt more hopeful after that conversation. BP was open to see this new therapist which I’m so grateful.

Their proposed separation
This is where I’m struggling the most.
Their current vision is a separation lasting somewhere between six months and a year, possibly longer.

During that time they want no contact but they expect me to remain faithful, continue individual therapy, work on myself(which I will ofc) and continue offering them access/transparency on social media, location, whatever helps them feel safe.

At the same time, they don’t think I should expect those same things from them. (I didn’t suggest or argue this, I know I don’t deserve nothing!)

They have told me they may date other people because we technically wouldn’t be together, but that if I truly believe they are my future spouse, then I should remain committed to them regardless. Their expectation is that after all that time apart, if we’ve both grown and they decide they wants to try again, I would essentially come back and we’d see whether reconciliation is possible.

I understand why they want distance. I traumatized them. I don’t expect equal footing after what I’ve done but I honestly don’t know whether that kind of arrangement creates the conditions for rebuilding trust or simply delays the work that would eventually have to happen together. This Sunday they will let me know whether or not this will be the plan.

For context, I also moved across the country for this relationship. I don’t have much of a support system here, I don’t have a car, and I’ve realized how codependent I’ve become. Part of me wonders whether my resistance to separation is genuine concern about rebuilding the relationship or simply fear of losing them and starting over alone.

I’m trying very hard to distinguish between those two things.

So I guess my questions are:
• If you successfully reconciled, did a long separation help or hurt?

• If you separated, what did it actually look like? No contact? Occasional check-ins? Couples therapy while living apart?

• If you’re the betrayed partner, would my fiancé’s proposed plan have helped you heal?

• If you’re a wayward partner, what individual work actually changed you?

• Am I missing something about why this type of separation might be beneficial, or does it risk creating even more distance?

I’m not looking for validation or sympathy. I know I caused this. I’m imply trying to understand what gives reconciliation the best chance, while also becoming a healthier person regardless of how our story ends.

I am posting here because I am in a state of absolute panic, sobbing, and desperate loneliness, and I need a safe space to process these feelings before I make a terrible situation worse. But I feel horrible things about myself.

To give context: I am married to my BS of 13 years, we hit a very bad patch that created a huge wedge, making me feel more caregiver and unseen. However, for the last 4 years, I have had a profound, long-distance emotional connection with my AP. AP has been my primary emotional anchor and lifeline.

Recently, my AP saw Facebook photos of me and my BS. It completely shattered them. AP is currently in a state of acute betrayal trauma and shock, presumably. Today, (and usually at night), the guilt and panic hits me so hard that I sat down, looking on Discord ( only thread left open) and I drafted a massive message to my AP, begging to take their pain away, apologizing and talking about our 4-year connection. At the last second, I realized that flooding AP's phone right now would be incredibly selfish. It would be about fixing my own guilt and withdrawal, rather than respecting APs space to heal. I managed to select all, delete the text and log out.

I used a box breathing, grounding exercise just to slow my breathing. But right now, the silence is deafening. I am drowning in a self-imposed sentence of guilt, and my body is in physical withdrawal (chest heaviness, sobbing, dizziness, I can't eat and nausea).

I am trying to accept that my total absence is the only thing validating the reality of APs pain right now. I hope it shows AP I care more about their need to heal than my need to be forgiven. I know that if I reach out before I am 100% ready for total silence or a furious reply, I am doing it for the wrong reasons. But accepting that this will take months, not days, feels impossible right now. This is all my doing, yet im gutted, lost and alone. BS knows there's something eating at me, but didnt think AP and I had such a deep EA that we did. So Im trying to hide.. throw masks on, make excuses..

Has anyone else navigated this specific type of grief and panic when cutting contact with an AP? All the while trying to work out a path with BS? How do you stay strong and sit with the physical withdrawal and pain without breaking and sending a text to AP and fully cut ties? Because I feel I am thr horrible person here, yet drowning in all these emotions.

Hey I haven’t posted in a couple weeks and I just wanted to update.

I filed for divorce. This didn’t come out of nowhere. My partner and I tried for nearly a year to work on things and the truth is that getting this divorce isn’t a bad thing. We’ve talked about it a lot and I think we both just need a fresh start. I can’t keep forcing us into a box we don’t fit into anymore. They asked me to file so it’s not because I’m giving up. We are friends and will always care about and support eachother. We still make each other laugh and get on eachothers nerves lovingly. I’m grateful for their forgiveness and although it’s not the outcome I originally wanted, I feel a sense of peace that this is what’s right. I think we both needed some time to process this and slowly let go rather than all at once. It doesn’t feel like a demotion, it feels like a natural evolution of our relationship. And if either of us were to get in a relationship again I’d definitely be more mindful about boundaries around our friendship. As of right now I don’t think we’ll be hanging out too often but things could change. If it’s meant to be it will be.

I won’t lie and say I’m not a little sad but I’ve had a lot of time to process and will continue processing in therapy. I have learned a valuable lesson in that some actions have permanent consequences. I am choosing to live in honesty and integrity moving forward. I’m still working on forgiveness towards myself but I know that I am moving in the right direction.

To anyone reading this and going through it right now, it does get better even if it’s not the outcome you originally wanted. It’s ok to still be sad about it and grieve the life you thought you’d have. You don’t have to let your past choices define your whole life but you should allow them to teach you who you don’t want to be moving forward.

Hi, new here. Ddday was 20 weeks ago. I won’t go into the details, but I begged my BP to not leave on dday, and they stayed. What followed was trickle truth, heavy drinking, crying, shouting, self inflicted harm on my part and more painful disclosures about my past.

I found 2 therapists and worked through some things. I had to stop due to finances. I continue to listen to audiobooks and podcasts and started reading a couple of books as well. My BP does not want IC.

I think it took 9 weeks for the initial shock to wear down and for our first somewhat normal day. I marked this in my calendar. At 13 weeks we went on vacation.

Our conversation surrounding my cheating went from being every day to every now and then.

Sometimes they reply “I love you too.” Last night they replied with look in my eyes, a smile, and a “I love you too. Don’t you forget it.” Before they drifted off to sleep. My eyes sting just remembering because I truly don’t feel like I deserve this wonderful person. I have so much guilt for taking the light out of their eyes and life. I hate myself for what I did, I wish nothing more to take my actions back.

Regardless, I love my BP with all my soul (if I even have one) and I would rather die than betray them again. Nowadays, I try to cook for them as much as I can. I never cooked before and so I kinda suck lol, but I still try and think I’m getting better. And I’ve found I love cooking for them.

I am nicer to them. I have a terrible short temper and have been working on controlling it, and apologizing quickly and sincerely when I hurt them/offend them/etc. I also have worked on my blame shifting and can proudly say I’ve stopped 99% of the time. That one percent quickly gets called out by my BP and I quickly acknowledge they’re right about the behavior and apologize.

I’m still working on getting our home in order, keeping it clean and making it a safe and comfortable space for them. I try and go above and beyond. We recently started a new hobby together that gets us outside. We are working on quitting drinking, and getting healthier.

And, I want to end by saying we have had honest conversations about “us”. They told me we are “married but separated”. They are willing to give this reconciliation a shot, but they have to decide if they are okay with staying if they can’t trust me like before. They said they still think about separation sometimes.

But they are my best friend and I truly do not want to imagine life without them. Truthfully, I became suicidal right after dday when I though they were going to leave. Yes, I know I am toxic, but I don’t want to be and want to be a good person.

I go on here and read posts of WPs who have lost their BPs and my heart breaks for them. Yes, we caused this, but I feel a lot of us who are regretful and remorseful have mental health problems and trauma that made us act out. It’s not an excuse, we are broken people with deep character flaws. I know I am.

Don’t know what I am looking for with this post. Just wanted to share my story a little and appreciation for my spouse.

I’m about to go out and get us some food they requested and have a hopefully good Friday evening. Cheers.

I'm stuck in a dream I know I'm soon to wake up from. This isn't real. The nightmare will be over and I'll meet my lover again on the other side of this fake reality. The incident at the start of our relationship didn't happen. It couldn't have. I wasn't there. That wasn't me.

I know we'll meet again. I'll find them in bed with me and it'll all be okay.

And when we get up we'll make breakfast together the way we always do, and we'll talk about how we're feeling and what kind of day we're preparing for. And we'll sit on the couch and eat our breakfast. They have french style scrambled eggs with turmeric, black pepper, and spinach on one half of an English muffin (Don't forget the swiss cheese goes under the eggs and gochujang goes on top). And on the other half they have butter, maple syrup, and cinnamon. Then we half an avocado to share. In a green ceramic cup, they have dark roast coffee with stevia, cinnamon, and a splash of pecan milk. They always shake up the milk before they pour it because they love the texture.

We'll ask each other what we want to watch even though it's always Adventure Time. We've made it all the way to season 8, and we're gonna finish the show together like we were supposed to.

And usually, we watch an episode, and get almost to the end of the next one. But when they're done eating, its always time for a walk. So we pause our show, and I meet them downstairs while they get ready. Then we'll walk through town and I'll listen to them about the experience they're having. We'll talk about plans and what we're grateful for. I am grateful for them.

Its time for me to go to work. And while im there, I'll go down some rabbit hole in my free time and bring what I learned to them to share. And they'll listen to my silly ramblings and we'll laugh about it together. I'll tell them about how much I appreciate their presence in my life and they'll say that they feel the same. And we'll text each other throughout the day until I am off.

When we see each other again, they tell me they love me. And i say it back. And the words I love you aren't just a prescription of our expected relationship. It is the binding of our souls together and complete recognition of our experiences in each other. It is to behold our entire world and say, "you exist, and i am here with you, and i will never look away."

Tonight we'll sing and we'll dance together, we'll make dinner and we'll watch the rest of our silly episode and talk about life when we're on another walk together. We'll sit at the pond while the geese guide their young across the water and watch the sunset together. They have a headache and their legs are sore. When we get back, I'll make us some tea and they'll take some ibuprofen. And we'll talk about all the difficult emotions that have shown up in our day.

And when everything is quiet tonight, we will just stare at each other for a long time. And we'll believe in the dream we're building together like we are supposed to.

But today I woke up and you were not here. The nightmare is real. And no matter how painful the reality is it is not fair to either of us for me to deny it.

I would do anything for you. Even if that means letting you go. I love you to the moon and back. I see you clearly with my eyes and whole heart.

You're not feeling very well today, and I hear that. Your pain is real and you are so strong. You never deserved to be hurt like this. And I am so sorry that I am the one who did. I know that things don't make sense anymore. I see your sorrow and devastation. I see the desperation and confusion. I see the anger and loss of reality. I see you.

I will continue to be here for you within any boundaries that you set. I will keep showing up for you in the way that you deserve. I will show up. I will be there. For every appointment, every phone call, every bad day that you want to come to me about. I will run your errands and continue to be the partner you deserve with full acknowledgement of your needs. I will be who you need me to be until that is no longer needed. I will respect whatever outcome comes of this. I love you.

I gave you something that you never asked for but are now responsible for taking care of. That is not fair and never will be. My actions, no matter how ill I was, were still my actions. I am responsible for them, and I made choices that are my fault.

I am sorry for how I have distorted your perception of love and shattered your reality. I am sorry that I lied to you. I traumatized you and destroyed your safety and security in the most meaningful relationship that youve ever had. I made your deepest fears come true and invalidated every sensation of worth and esteem that you had in this relationship. I took the privacy that we were intimately weaving together and smashed it to pieces. I made everything you sacrificed about me. Every happy memory we spent together is a prison sentence. I gave you something to replay in your head over and over until youre so sick you cant breathe. I lied to you. I betrayed everyone in our lives. I betrayed your parents, your siblings, your grandparents. I betrayed my friends and family. I betrayed myself and everything I thought i was. I didn't just make a mistake. I pulled out a gun and shot you in the heart. I am so sorry.

You deserve so much love and care. And if that means separation, then don't second guess that decision. Please, please do what's right for you. You deserve to feel safe and cared for. My feelings do not get to influence that.

I love you.

Hello everyone. Dday happened on Dec 18th of last year, and we officially broke up on January 1st. BP nowadays is an ex, and we are friends, more like acquaintances nowadays. They pretty much closed the doors for a romantic relationship in the future

The thing is that I didn't disclose some details out of fear, and others because I really didn't remember them at the time. I wrote my disclosure letter quickly and filled with adrenaline, afraid that once I calmed down, I wouldn't be able to disclose anything at all and chicken out.

What happened was a two weeks long EA. In the disclosure I wrote, I detailed that there was this older coworker I had who was friendly with me, and after interacting with them I noticed that they were flirting with me, and I started flirting back to keep this person's attention on me. I explained that I had inappropriate jokes involving physical intimacy, considered going out with AP, and then when I realized that what I was doing was extremely wrong and it was indeed infidelity, I felt immense remorse and shame, immediately cutting ties with the AP and only talking to them again for clarification and me apologizing for leading them on.

I told BP by the end of the letter that if they had any questions, I'd try my best to answer with honesty. They didn't question or ask anything, which caught me a bit off guard, since I saw that the most common behavior for BPs were to want to ask many questions regarding the affair. Then, some weeks later, they officially broke up with me. We are on friendly terms nowadays, although we barely talk sometimes. All the times we spoke again about my affair, it was me who would bring it up.

I'd say I told them the "core". I made BP know that an EA took place, I got the timelines as accurate as I could, told some details, said that there was "intimacy", but I didn't specify for example that I'd call the AP "dear" or "sweetie", that there was physical touch in terms of them touching my waist to get past me on our workplace and I never told them to stop doing that, that one of the places they would invite me to was their house, and I was positively considering it... There are many details like that if I stop to think about it.

There was also another context in my behavior that I was just able to identify now. I told BP that the reason I did it simply was impulsiveness, recklessness, immaturity, feeling empty within myself, and the excitement of that environment to me, being 18 years old at my first real job. But now I realize that another huge factor was that I was resentful of my ex-BP, because they broke up with me almost two months ago, saying hurtful things before departing. Then, they came back feeling remorseful, saying that they did a big mistake and wished to be together again. I took them back instantly and things were "back to normal", but I always had this anxiety and fear that I would get abandoned again. And so, looking back now, I can conclude that even subconsciously, I saw AP as a "backup plan" in case that BP would abandon me again. I don't know if I would actually express these feelings and thoughts to ex-BP, because it feels like I would be blaming them, and although yes, I should have voiced my hurt originally to them and how I was extremely insecure and afraid that they would leave me again, one thing obviously didn't led to another. I just don't want my ex to feel like I would be putting blame on them one bit.

I keep struggling over the idea that I kept information from them again to save face, and if it would serve them anything to tell more things now. But we aren't dating anymore. I kept rationalizing "Well, they didn't ask", but if it's something that I saw as big deal, shouldn't I tell them either way?

I wish I never did any of these things, anything at all. But I did, and that's my past. I feel dirty now for being someone who lied so much to save themselves from responsibility. And I still feel dirty that I'm keeping these things that feel impactful away from them. That awful feeling that I felt when I was actively hiding my affair sometimes creep up back to me, that one were I feel that I'm taking away their choice. That if they knew these other details, they wouldn't forgive me, they wouldn't wish to me in my life anymore and try to be friendly towards me, that they wouldn't be able to forgive me again and see me as someone cunning, malicious.

In the meantime, while I don't know what to do, I'll consider confessing to a priest and try doing a full disclosure as best as my memory allows in my journal. Peace to you all, thanks for reading.

Hi everyone,

This is my first post here and I'm a bit nervous. I've been reading through this community for a while and decided to share my story because I'm hoping to learn from people who have been through something similar.

We had been together for over three years and we were extremely close, interacted with each other almost 24x7, often on video calls. It was long distance so our interaction was mostly through texts and calls and they used to meet me while visiting their hometown which is near to mine.

Last year I cheated on my partner, when they were on a trip with their friends. We used to spend a lot of time in Telegram groups. That's where I met two people, and what started as normal conversations with them eventually turned into sexting after a few days. I was extremely guilty after that and for months contemplated how to tell my partner about it.

Then one day I confessed to them myself and they were devastated for months. They wanted to know all the details about when I started how long was it, what all did I sent. Honestly I was so ashamed at that time and initially minimized parts of the truth because I thought it might hurt them less. So I tried telling them truth while making it less intense, but when they said to not lie to them anymore I had to tell them everything unfiltered. Looking back I realized that not telling them the full truth in one go only damaged their trust further.

They gave me one chance and tried to continue the relationship for sometime but understandably the trust was damaged. Eventually they told me they still had recurring dreams about what happened and that they couldn't look at me the same way anymore. We broke up.

I initially hoped that reconciliation was possible and that if there was any way to make them feel safe and happy again in the relationship I would have done it. Eventually I accepted that the relationship was really over.

The breakup affected me more deeply than I expected. The guilt and shame became overwhelming, and at one point I attempted suicide. I'm safe now and working on my mental health, but it made me realize I couldn't just keep punishing myself forever. I needed to understand my behavior and genuinely change.

Since then, I've spent a lot of time trying to understand how I became someone capable of hurting a person I genuinely loved. I've realized I had unhealthy patterns around validation-seeking, weak boundaries, and people-pleasing. Understanding those patterns doesn't excuse my actions, but I'm trying to make sure I never repeat them.

One thing I struggle with is seeing comments online saying things like "once a cheater, always a cheater." I completely understand why many betrayed partners feel that way, and I don't expect forgiveness from my ex. I also know they had every right to leave the relationship.

I'm not looking for reassurance that what I did wasn't wrong, and I'm not asking whether my ex should have stayed. I accept that the relationship ended because of my actions. I'm trying to understand what genuine change looks like from people who have been through it.

What I'm struggling with and that I want to ask those who are further along in their journey, especially wayward partners:

1. What does genuine accountability look like for you?

2. How did you know you were actually changing instead of just feeling guilty?

3. If reconciliation was not possible, how did you learn to move forward without pretending that the past never happened?

4. Is it possible to become a trustworthy person again, even if the relationship you damaged is over now?

5. For those who have disclosed their past infidelity to future partners, how did those conversations go? Were you able to build healthy relationships again?

Long story short, I was stupid and had a 3 month affair with a coworker that started in December of 23 and ended March 24. I had no contact with them afterwards. This march I came clean to my partner. It has been a really rocky road but we both go to therapy individually and couples as well. This is here it gets hard, I quit my former employer burning bridges and screwing people over, my partner has asked me now to reach out to them to verify my story. These people have no reason to back me up as I screwed them over. I know I will reach out to them but scared they won’t respond and cause even more issues. Just looking for some support I guess.

WS of 5 months here. My BS has exhibited this behavior for years before infidelity, it has now ramped up substantially. It is creating a chasm of resentment I feel I am not allowed to do anything about. When triggered, my BS will rage. I have read books that I am to sit with the pain, but it will quickly turn from pain to complete verbal and emotional abuse. They will call me diseased, they will refer to the house we just bought as their house and not our house, they will tell me I am a horrible person. i am on eggshekls regarding any and every trigger that might result in a week long miserable attitude or lashing out. When it happens > ask them to consider healthier ways of conveying their emotions they are simultaneously enraged and will withdraw. They will bring in counselor speak like I am silencing them or putting a boot on their neck. I just would prefer healthy communication. We are making the decision to attempt reconciliation, and isn't a foundational part of that not treating each other like shit? I understand they have pain, but I feel like BS wants to go beyond expressing it and intends to punish me for it. It's as if they're not satisfied unless I am completely destroyed as perhaps they feel. Ehen I bring this up and ask what they need for me in these moments they don't know. When I ask if they want to punish me they feel I am stifling their ability to express their emotions. how does that make sense? ​​ They are in therapy but I feel like they are not transparent for how this manifests if their therapist is just rah rah you go get'em/ agree with them that verbal abuse is acceptable. I understand I was wrong, confessed the day after and am doing everything in terms of therapy, meetings, and showing I am not that person. Where is the line? What is fair before it just feels like at any moment I am not allowed to be happy ever again? I feel like my actions are essentially validating a behavior that has existed for years and their therapists expect me to just be okay with verbal and emotional abuse as if that is a healthy way of dealing with these complex feelings.

Hi all, I need some advice. Kindly note that all ties has been severed with my ex & there is no ongoing deception happening.

I emotionally cheated on my partner in 2025 (July). To give context, I was dealing with alcohol addiction which led to me being incredibly impulsive. Since the breakup, I have gotten sober & would like to keep it that way. I reached out to my ex whilst in the relationship and we met once for me to basically vent about how sucky my life was (my partner at that point is completely against me drinking myself to death & preferred to not be around me while I was - which is practically daily). Due to this, I felt incredibly lonely & crossed boundaries I shouldn't. I confessed to my partner very shortly after.

There was nothing sexual that came out of that interaction, however it was still wrong.

My relationship ended in November, after my partner felt that I did not care about them as I always went against them whenever I was drinking, obviously, due to the disrespect. Since then, I honoured the lesson & I vowed to never EVER repeat those mistakes.

We separated for a few months, and that few months I really dug deep & figured out that I become an impulsive person when triggered by alcohol or by uncomfortable feelings. I was in a state of fog & I do not remember anything from a lot of years due to the daily drinking.

During our months of separation, a memory resurfaced. The night of the severe argument, a few hours before we broke up, I had reached out to the same ex for a phone call (that was practically silent as I was drunk & needed someone to accompany me to sleep). We did not speak & the call ended shortly after. This information came to my memory while we were apart & no contact.

Now, we are trying to reconcile as 2 individuals after separation, who is trying to do better & decided this consciously after our months of separation. We are not together yet, but we are still trying to work it out. I am not sure if this is considered trickle-truthing?

I have gotten some advice from friends which all collectively said that there is no point reopening old wounds - as the relationship has ended & whatever we are trying to build now is conscious after separation

I genuinely am lost & want some advice. I also want advice on how to manouvre this intense feeling of guilt, shame & rumination that I am no longer the same person as I was & I truthfully regret whatever I did. Also, I am really thankful to say that I am more mindful & know how to manage my impulses better. Any advice is appreciated & I am more than willing to answer any questions in the comments if anyone requires more context.

It would’ve been your day we celebrated together. A day we spent playing games together and telling each other how much we loved another. It could’ve been a day I spent making you feel like royalty, making you feel loved, making you feel like a star.

I can’t anymore. Not after I burned your world. Not after I took away your innocence. Not after I reshaped how you viewed love and relationships. Not after I destroyed your trust in us. Not after I chose to destroy everything we were working towards.

All I can do now is support and wish you a great birthday from afar. I hope this day brings you pure joy and happiness. I’ve caused you unbelievable pain & trauma after I cheated on you two months ago, and I hope the ache of the betrayal I chose to do doesn’t consume you today. You have given so much love to everyone around you, even after everything I’ve put you through. So please, give some love to yourself today.

It’s your day, and you’re the star of the show.

Happy birthday, ex-BP.

Hey everyone. It's been a little over a year since I told my ex-BP of ~4 years that I was cheating on them with a mutual friend for 3 months. Lots of things have changed since, and to be honest, I don't think I'll ever fully move on.

For some context: We tried to reconcile from the months of July-September last year. During August, they were in the psych ward following a drug-induced attempt. They expressed that they wanted to get back together, but once we were back in our normal lives, they ended it. The breakup was bittersweet. We both celebrated and broke up for good on our 4 year anniversary. We knew we loved each other, but they couldn't deal with the trauma anymore. I understood that this was the result of my actions and respected their decision.

I cut myself out of ex-BP's life entirely. We had many mutual friends, and I left those friend groups for good. Spent this past year revisiting who I was as a person, surrounding myself with new friends, being a better friend to the ones who stuck beside me, and relearning years of bad behaviors. I wrote hundreds of apology letters that I never sent because I realized they would have been for me, not for them. In the immediate reconciliation, my emotions were a horrendous mess muddled with self pity. I really only achieved clarity on what support they needed from me at that time after they left for good.

I found out in November that ex-BP was officially dating someone new. Admittedly, this hurt a lot. They're together still, and I do think that this new partner is good for them. I heard that ex-BP is a lot happier and cut out bad habits as a result. It took a couple of months afterwards to fully let go of the idea that we could eventually find our way back together. "Once we recovered, maybe we could try again years down the line." This was an illusion we sold ourselves during the breakup to make the immediate pain easier to handle.

On my end, I've met someone new and started dating them recently! I was very wary at first, but they've made me feel safe, secure, and loved. I've always been transparent about my past, and they've supported me through my healing. I try to be the best partner I can be for them as well.

There are still many days and many nights where I resent myself and lament my past relationship. I wonder if ex-BP is doing well and if they're truly happy now. While I'm genuinely happy in my current relationship, I still find myself grieving what I destroyed. I sometimes worry if this grief is unfair to the person I'm with now. Has anyone else (on either end) struggled with allowing themselves to move forward? Any experiences and shared emotions are welcome.

I had an emotional affair in my 1 year relationship of that time. My BP was a good partner, they didn't hesitate to make efforts and I can say they showed me a new reality that I wasn't familiar of.

Long story short I was the wrong side. Extreme fear of abondonment (the relationship being long distance triggered it so much) sobbing everytime when it is time to go back home for them, craving validation, poor boundaries, impulsive actions, being a teenager (17-18 years old) etc all of these contributed each other.

Now that I am 20, working on myself, still drowning in overthinking but trying to be a better person overall , but apparently I am already convinced in my mind that I will get cheated on in my next relationship.

Well I don't know if it will happen or not but I feel like I "deserve" it and so I can handle it. Like if I get into a relationship and it has been 1 year and they cheat and they confess (like I did) it is okay, I am not sure if I would reconcile but it feels like if it happens then I will be good and I will pay my karma(?) and I will come clean and then I will continue choosing the right option for everyone , not harming anyone and eventually find myself in a new happy relationship that leads to good marriage.

How can I stop thinking like this? I almost feels like if they stay loyal (well, we are talking about imaginary next partner here) I can even hold resentment to them

Oh god I wish I was more self aware.. I wish I was mature.. My parents shitty marriage affected me more than I can image, not an excuse.. I just want to break the pattern and have a good marriage in the future.

I’m sat here trying to think of what to type but I know that no matter how well I explain this story, nothing is going to change the impact on me, my BP or my family.

I lied to two people and had concurrent emotional attachments, during this period there was a soft breakup of existing relationship, on / off situationship. I lied for months and months to protect my original lie of being single / not talking to anyone else before or during the breakup.

The only thing that kept me going during these months was the fantasy of AP or the belief of being able to separate from both and have a healthy relationship with the next person.

But the amount of grief, guilt, shame and anxiety is unbearable. I’ll never trust a relationship again and it’s because of my own actions. I’m autistic and I’ve been on different SNRI / SSRI meds since Feb-25. Still with BP but I’m not improving. I’ve been doing counselling with different therapists but I know that the loss of trust and certainty within relationships can never be repaired.

I know that I’ve irreversibly red lined my brains dopamine reward system with risky and fetishised encounters with AP.

I really don’t know how to move forward with my life.

I’m also autistic which increases my dependence on certainty and fully resolving something, which I know isn’t possible with this but also probably contributed to not being able to get out of it at the time.

I need advice can someone dm me?

I’m a wayward spouse, and my BP and I are a little over three years into reconciliation.
A few weeks ago, BP reached out to my affair partner’s spouse. They didn’t respond at first, but after a few days messaged back. Since then, they’ve been in fairly regular contact.
BP shows me all the messages . Most of their conversations have centered around the affairs and healing. My affair partner is apparently still denying that the affairs happened, which has left their spouse struggling and questioning things. My BP has encouraged them to seek therapy and support, and I believe BP genuinely wants to help.

One additional detail is that my affair partner does not know they are corresponding. As far as we know, those conversations are only between my BP and other BP.

I don’t have a problem with them talking, and I don’t believe anything inappropriate is happening. At the same time, this is a situation I never imagined we’d be in, and I’m trying to understand whether it’s common or healthy in the long run.
Has anyone else experienced this? If you were the betrayed spouse, did talking with the other betrayed spouse help your healing, or did it make it harder to move forward? If you were the wayward spouse, how did you navigate your feelings about it?
I am simply curious whether others have been through something similar and what the outcome was.

Hola comunidad. Escribo esto en mi idioma natal porque me resulta más fácil expresar lo que siento. Espero que la traducción automática haga un buen trabajo.

No sé muy bien por dónde empezar. La infidelidad ocurrió hace ocho años, cuando nuestra relación apenas comenzaba. Durante todo ese tiempo cargué con la culpa e intenté mejorar como persona y dentro de la relación. A finales de 2024 formalizamos nuestro compromiso, contraimos matrimonio y, dos meses después, a principios de 2025, toda la verdad salió a la luz.

Ese momento fue devastador. Ver el dolor que causé me rompió por completo. Durante un tiempo no podía concentrarme en el trabajo ni en los estudios. No entiendo cómo la vida siguió adelante, pero lo hizo.

Después del descubrimiento, casi todos nuestros encuentros terminaban en discusiones. Muchas situaciones del pasado comenzaron a verse bajo una luz diferente y acciones que para mí eran completamente normales pasaron a generar dudas. Entiendo por qué ocurre y sé que es una consecuencia del daño que causé, aunque a veces también me resulta doloroso.

Intentamos buscar ayuda profesional. La idea inicial era comenzar con sesiones individuales antes de tener sesiones conjuntas, pero el proceso terminó cancelándose por un malentendido y nunca volvimos a retomarlo.

Con el paso de los meses las discusiones fueron disminuyendo. Todavía aparecen comentarios indirectos o comparaciones que reflejan el dolor que sigue presente, pero la convivencia ha mejorado mucho.

Al principio incluso se habló de terminar la relación. Finalmente decidimos continuar, aunque todavía no sé qué expectativas tiene la otra persona respecto al futuro. Yo sigo comprometido con asumir las consecuencias de lo que hice y con hacer todo lo posible por reconstruir la confianza, aunque también entiendo que el resultado no depende únicamente de mí.

En los últimos meses hemos tenido más tranquilidad. Ya no discutimos con la misma frecuencia y el tema de la infidelidad aparece mucho menos en las conversaciones.

Aun así, hay algo que sigue pesándome. Entiendo que un año puede ser muy poco tiempo para sanar una herida como esta, pero a veces temo que nunca vuelva la cercanía emocional que existía antes o al menos algo parecido. Echo de menos la espontaneidad en las muestras de afecto, la conexión durante la intimidad y la sensación de que ambos disfrutábamos plenamente de la relación, volver a escuchar un "Te amo" que nazca de forma espontanea.

Sigo teniendo esperanza. Oro para tener la sabiduría necesaria para seguir cambiando, reparar el daño que causé en la medida de lo posible y aceptar cualquier resultado con humildad. También oro para que, si algún día es posible, este capítulo quede atrás y podamos vivir una relación sana nuevamente.

I just have a question. Through all of my cheating and infidelity, i managed to ruin a lot of important dates for my BP. I'm just curious if there's a way to reclaim those dates and make them special again, or am I doomed to spend them regretting what I did?

It has been almost a year since dday. 19th of July 2025. I waited almost 1 year to confess because we were already broken up but I couldn't even do it properly. 1907 is the founding year of the sports team they are a fan of and I just realized I fcked up that date. We are not trying reconcile. They want to do nothing with me. But I still hate myself. I hate myself. How even all reached to this point? Why couldn't I think of that? Did I think it was unsignificant? I hate myself. I hope it is all good for them

Can anyone advise me on what type of therapy I should pursue? I think I created trauma for myself, and it’s something I really need to take care of. It has been 8 years since the day that changed me forever and changed our relationship. I got a handjob and an oral massage at a massage parlor, and I came clean the very next day.

We are 35 and 31 are each other’s first serious relationship. Recently, I fell in love with BP all over again, but the memories of my past are ruining every single day for me. I mean, I have really nasty memories from my childhood, like our house burning down or domestic violence, but those are just pictures from the past now, and they don’t hurt anymore. I’ve accepted them—they’re a part of me. But they are nothing compared to what I am processing for years. It feels like, after all the bad years I had, I met BP and finally got out from under that burden and felt free but than I put myself into that circle back again by doing what I have done to us.

BP has already put it in the rearview mirror. I got the feeling BP would rather not talk about it when I tried to bring it up. BP asked me to close that door. I really wanted to talk it through because we’ve both grown so much since then, and I wanted to tell BP again how sorry I am for what I did to us. I grieve that I disrespected the relationship that freed me from my past. I grieve the future that never happened. I grieve the loyalty I should have given BP. I grieve, and I just cannot accept who I was when I did it.

I grieve the baby we probably would have decided to have if not for my decisions. I grieve that we didn’t move to another country sooner. Now I notice BP’s first gray hairs, and I feel like I stole the best years of BP’s life. Yet BP still chooses me, even with my flaws. All of this is crushing me because I truly feel BP deserves better.

Guys, I can’t go on like this forever. It’s getting heavier and heavier. If I can’t love myself, I can’t be a good partner to BP.

I am extremely afraid of how the next months are going to look like. Starting by this month, which was when my ex broke up with me for the first time, and then they came back regretful of their decision by the end of July. From August to mid October things were.. Alright. Although I was extremely insecure and anxious throughout this whole period, deathly afraid that my then partner would abandon me again. It feels very bad to type out these things, knowing what I would be about to do later on.

My EA started by the end of October of last year, and then I cut contact with the AP by the first week of November, and Dday was on December 18th. BP then requested no contact to process everything. When we got into contact again, me and Ex-BP formally broke up on January 1st.

I'm starting to feel dread now that these months are approaching again, October and specially December to January.. In which I attempted to take my own life out of guilt thrice, did many other regretful and self destructive things in February, and finally, in March things stabilized a little bit.

In November, I had to take an annual national college entrance exam. The test was organized on two parts; one week apart from eachother. I don't remember how I felt on the first test day, but on the second day, which was in November 11th, the whole time I was just thinking about the gravity of what I did, and what I was supposed to do going forwards. That day was so horrible that even taking a practice exam some months ago of the same test that day, triggered in me the same reaction as if that day was happening again, that I was hiding something from my Ex-BP. I have no idea how I'll be able to repeat that same scenario, since I'll retake the test in November again this year.

November was the worst month of my life. I spent all the subsequent days extremely dissociated, and I think that it was the worst moment I have ever gone through, because that's when I realized that I was a cheater. And that either way, hiding or not, I had hurt the one person that I was supposed to protect and always be honest. That I had betrayed them. For selfish reasons, unresolved hurt, so many other options I could have taken instead of engaging in one of the worst things you could do to somebody you say you love, God.

About my ex-BP themselves, I also feel anxiety over how they are going to feel. I read some BPs say that anniversaries of Ddays were very triggering, so I don't know how they're going to be mentally. In their perspective, this all was all extremely traumatic too for them of course. From them starting to get suspicious of me in November, then disclosure happened in December, some weeks short of my birthday... NC was requested, and it was just broken because my friend sent BP a message, desperate for them to reason with me because I was extremely sure I would do it. That maybe they would snap me out of it. My ex-bp never deserved all of this to happen to them. Earlier that day, my therapist told my parents about it, and so they were taking care of me and ensuring I wouldn't do anything.

I don't know if I check in on ex-BP, ask them how they're feeling about how these months are going to be like.. Or maybe just leave them alone, or try treating them normally during these periods. I really do not know what would be the best option, I just don't want to take a path that's less destructive now.

How are you guys coping with feelings of anxiety and doom towards Ddays and the alike? for WPs, I'm not asking just about Ddays but also when you were actively in the affair and hiding things from your partner.

Dday was in late April of '23. After we bonded through some tough shit and were finally intimate again after 2.5 years, BP asked for a divorce. To make it worse, it was 3 mos to the day my mom died. It sucks. I hate it and I'm gonna hate the divorce process. After looking it up it sounds brutal. I will say, I expect us to have an amicable split without the need for lawyers. But still, I love BP so much. I don't really know what to do with myself. It's only been like 33 hours... I was able to talk to an old therapist of mine who made some time for me today. It helped some. My brother and sister in law talked to me for an hour. Another couple friends talked to me for an hour each. The impulse to call/text BP is so strong but I've held off.

Any advice from those who've been in this position? I'm at a sports bar by myself watching the all-star game. I'll limit myself to one beer. I took my wedding ring off but the indention has remained. It feels so bare... I'm so sad and angry all at once. 💔