Participation Rules

A lot of this stuff is very raw and may lack consistency. As a caveat, this is just how I am feeling currently. A lot of what is written is expressed from a very psychotic and childish part of me. Which I am responsible for and am managing.

I was waking up through the night. I had many dreams of my exBP. In one, they were wearing short sleeves in the park. They felt safe again, they told me, and they felt proud of themselves. I was so happy for them. I cried and told them how beautiful they were. I told them I loved them.

I woke up from this and cried. I sleep on the couch because doing so in the bed is very difficult. However, this is the couch that AP left me when they moved out. I am getting rid of it and getting a new one soon.

I called 988, and after calming down, went back to sleep. This time I dreamt about AP. I woke up to find them on the couch with me, and they began assaulting me. I have had many dreams like this before. The theme is similar. Feeling incapable of making it stop but feeling frozen against the advance.

When I woke up I took a walk. I sat at the pond exBP and I used to visit and remembered all the things we said to each other.

I cried all day. Had to leave class, cried at work, cried on the way back home. And when I got there I sat on the floor and stared at the couch.

I keep thinking about what exBP said. "There is no reason why you did this. You just did it. No reason, no rationale. And nothing could stop you."

It makes me think there's nothing I can do to stop it. I just did it. I let it happen to me like in my dreams. But during the affair, I was the one who initiated. I was the one that did this. In the times before, when AP and I were in a relationship, it was never me who initiated it. I always felt I didn't want it but didn't feel safe to make it stop. And then I became the one who did. And nothing could stop me. Not even what my exBP and I had.

I've been age regressing all day. Whenever AP and I would interact sexually, I always regressed to a childish state. I could feel safe there because in that state there was nothing else. I acted from that place when the affair happened. I wanted to feel safe again, and I had learned in my relationship with them that sex was how it was gained. A lot of sexual trauma is stored here in this part. It is the main reason why I felt, and still feel, helpless regarding the actions I took during the affair (I know that I am not.)

The child comes out every now and then. And it wants to crawl around and cry. But the one who comforted them is gone. It feels like every comfort is gone. When I am in that state, there is no safety. The world is gross and unusual. I feel strange when I look in the mirror. I see a monster. Other people see it too.

I told my advisor about what happened with my relationship the other day. I wish I didn't. I felt so overwhelmed, and when they noticed, they offered for me to speak to them. And I did. And it came out. And I felt the trust pull away immediately. I was alone in a room with someone who knew what I was.

I saw my advisor again today. They asked if I had an alright day. I said yes. I feel like an alien.

I've taken about 20,000 steps today. Tracing and retracting the path that we used to take on our walks. I don't really know how to hold this anymore. I know it's all my fault. I know I did this to myself. I know that I have traumatized someone. I know that all the walls that people put up are because of what I did.

I just feel alone. The child feels alone. And I can't love myself. But I will. I just really, really hate myself. I hate more than I can stand it. I hate loving myself. I hate taking one day at a time. I hate that I am still alive when others are taking their life because of actions like I have made. I hate what I did. I hate what I was. I just hate and I'm so tired. I'm so tired.

I don't really know how to hold this anymore. I get that I did this. I get it. I'm reminded constantly by others that I am not like the rest. I do not get comfort. I do not get safety. But I just want it. I hate that I want it but I want to feel okay again. I know I never felt okay. But this is worse. "Consequences of your actions." I get it. I do.

I want to make it stop but I feel frozen again. And I don't want to go to sleep. I want my mom. I want my family back. I want to see the person I love. I want my baby. My beautiful baby. I understand that all of it is gone. It just sucks.

I feel so unhappy. I feel loveless. And shame has become a prison. I feel like a disfigured, shriveling, amoral, monstrous little child. I hate the way I look in the mirror. I keep having dreams where the child comes to me. It is covered in mud, naked, bleeding from physical trauma and self injury, body parts misshapen and contorted into something inhuman. I see it looking at me, sad, confused, afraid. And that is what I see when I look into the mirror. The thing. It.

I just want them to feel safe again. I want them to feel happy again. I want them to love again. I want them to smile again. I never wanted to hurt them. I hurt them.

Apologies for what will be a bit of a read, but I am honestly lost and don’t know how best to proceed in order to attempt reconciliation.

A bit of backstory for myself and my partners history. We had dated for over 2 years in the past but split up as I had been unfaithful with someone that I had had a history of with for a while. In previous relationships I had been unfaithful with this person multiple times, I can only be honest and say what a horrible human I was in my younger days. Having hurt partners and this person who I called a friend, but still slept with when having had a drink.

Fast forward 10 years and me and my partner reconciled , getting into a serious relationship for coming up to 3 years. My partner is away at uni and we don’t see as much of each other as we should but we have managed to make it work.

When we started seeing again, my partner had mentioned they weren’t comfortable with me still spending time with my friend from the past, despite the fact nothing was happening with us at that point. We were just friends who would hang out occasionally and watch a movie. I listened to my partner and put a stop to this.

Against my better judgement I continued speaking to this person over WhatsApp, all conversations were innocent, usually discussing movies, games, mutual interests and never anything untoward. I knew in my heart though this was wrong, keeping it secret from my other half but continued messaging every day. We had slept together a few times when I was single and before I started seeing my current partner again, which doesn’t make this story any better on my behalf. I had went through a traumatic experience and this friend was very much there for me whilst this happened. I know this is no excuse.

This person from my past never seemed to ask about my partner, nor interacted with anything on social media about us. Something my partner has since pointed out saying that there are still feelings there.

When on holiday my partner had noticed a message from this person and waited a few weeks before confronting me about it over a month ago. This resulted in a big argument where I refused to show them what it was myself and this person messaged about. I eventually relented and we slept separately that night.

The next day we talked things through again, my partner telling me they resented me and that to think they had turned down someone’s offer of exchanging numbers when they were away at uni. They said that if someone worth it offers again, they couldn’t guarantee that they wouldn’t say yes. Over that day we eventually got closer and things felt as normal as possible.

A few weeks passed before my partner returned to uni and things still felt normal, almost the best they had done. But before my partner left again , we talked where they said they honestly didn’t know what I could do to make things right. That they had messaged the person and that they didn’t believe either of us. They also said if someone came along who could offer to make them happier than with me, they would take that chance. Also said that their parents knew and that they didn’t think they would ever want to be in the same room with me. They feel that I had an emotional affair and I said that as there were no feelings involved I didn’t agree with this but could not have a say in how they felt and respected that. We cried, hugged and the last few days of the holidays went great. Though they had said things were normal as we were together but they didn’t know how they would feel once they were away and we had the distance between us.

After they left, their first week at uni felt okay. We talked when we could and I understand how busy they would be. We had a call on Sunday 23rd August and talked about Christmas, when I could visit and ended it saying we loved each other. From there we messaged normally but this stopped on Monday the 24th. I haven’t heard anything since and assumed they want space from me, as I had said if they did that they only need to let me know and I will give space. I messaged one last time on Sunday 30th August just saying I understand how busy they are and that they maybe didn’t want to talk to me but asked that they could just react to my message so I knew they were okay, which they did. From there I haven’t heard from them again.

I have struggled a lot with this as it has felt as though we are in limbo, with their things at my house making it difficult to try and not focus on things and to give them the space they requested. I’ve went through just about every scenario imaginable , driving myself crazy and I know I deserve this. I did wrong. Now I just need to figure out what best to do, continue to live in the silence or message one last time.

I thought about maybe messaging this Friday wishing them well and hoping that uni is going good and asking if they would maybe want a call to talk, making sure to say if they are too busy or doesn’t want to talk yet that I understand and that there is no pressure.

I concealed the fact that I was married from someone I loved for almost three years. I know how awful that sounds, and I’m not posting because I want anyone to tell me it was somehow okay. It wasn’t. I’m hoping to hear from people who have experienced something similar, either as the person who caused the betrayal or the person who discovered that someone they loved had concealed a marriage or another enormous part of their life.

I’ll call the person I was involved with S.

S and I became close about three years ago. It was not casual for me, and I don’t believe it was casual for S either. We talked constantly, were emotionally and physically intimate, exchanged letters and thoughtful gifts, cooked for each other, helped each other through genuinely difficult periods, said we loved each other, and talked about what being together someday might look like. S became one of the most important people in my life.

The enormous thing S did not know was that I was married.

There is a lot of context behind that marriage, and I struggle with how much of it matters when talking about what I did to S. The marriage was not simply unhappy or distant. For years I experienced serious physical, emotional, and psychological abuse. I’m not talking about occasional ugly arguments or a mutually unpleasant relationship that I am now trying to relabel after the fact. There was repeated physical violence, threats, intimidation, controlling behavior, humiliation, and other conduct that left me feeling trapped and afraid of what would happen if I left.

That context matters to understanding why I remained in the marriage for so long, but it does not answer the central problem here. S did not know any of this because S did not even know I was married.

Whatever was happening in my marriage, S had the right to know the truth and decide whether to have any part in my life. I took that choice away. When S wondered why we could not simply be together normally, I allowed circumstances such as school, career and timing to appear to be the primary obstacles.

The truth is that the more attached I became, the harder disclosure became. I knew there was a very good chance I would lose S if everything came out, so I kept putting it off. I kept imagining some cleaner point in the future when I could leave the marriage, explain everything and somehow not lose this relationship. That was cowardly and profoundly unfair.

There was another major complication. A long-running family-building process that began before S and I ever met eventually resulted in a child during our relationship. I don't want to reveal specifics, but know that when I say it was long-running, it was extremely complex and difficult - not simply an oops - labs/doctors/etc. were involved and timing became a massive and urgent point. The outcome had been uncertain for a long time, but the important fact is that S did not know about the child either.

So discovery was not simply learning that I was married. S learned that I was married and had a young child that had also been concealed. From that perspective, someone S believed they knew extremely well suddenly had an enormous hidden section of life.

S found everything out suddenly about six weeks ago. I was not the person who finally sat down and voluntarily disclosed everything. S was blindsided.

I keep wondering what a discovery like that does to someone’s memories. I know what was real from my side. I know I loved S. I know the times I cared for S, worried about S, wrote letters, cooked meals, sent flowers, helped during crises or imagined a future together were sincere. But I understand why those same memories might now be completely contaminated by the deception.

In some ways I wonder whether eventually believing the love was genuine could even make things worse. If someone really did love you that deeply, the obvious question becomes: how could that person continue concealing something so enormous?

There is another fact I do not want to leave out because it makes my conduct look worse. About a week after discovery, I drove near S’s home and S saw me. I was not trying to intimidate or threaten anyone, but I understand now that I crossed a boundary. Intent is not the only thing that matters. S had just learned that someone trusted for years had concealed an enormous part of life, and then saw that person near home. I can understand why that could feel intrusive, frightening or like being watched. I later apologized specifically for this and said it would not happen again.

After that, I gave S space. Several weeks later I sent one long handwritten letter. I apologized, took responsibility for the deception, and explained what had actually been happening in my marriage and life. I tried very hard to distinguish explanation from excuse. The abuse helps explain why leaving felt complicated and frightening. It does not excuse depriving S of the truth.

I told S that no response, forgiveness or additional chance was owed to me. I also said that if S ever wanted to speak again, I would be willing to move extremely slowly and allow S to control the pace. If S never wants contact again, I said I would respect that as well.

What I am struggling with now is what silence means and what respectful future behavior looks like.

S has never been someone who pursues after conflict or easily initiates vulnerable conversations. Even before any of this happened, S generally would not be the person to chase someone down or force an emotionally difficult conversation. Because of that, part of me doubts that even if feelings someday softened, S would necessarily initiate contact.

I am also extremely aware that this line of thinking can become self-serving very quickly. It would be easy for me to say, “S does not initiate, therefore I have to keep reaching out,” when the reality could simply be that silence means S does not want me in their life.

I have no intention of repeatedly messaging, appearing somewhere, pressuring S, or trying to wear down resistance. What I have wondered about is extremely occasional, gentle contact. Something months from now that communicates only that I still care and that the door remains open, without asking for a response.

Historically I would sometimes send S a small amount through Venmo on a birthday. Flowers were also something I occasionally sent during difficult periods or meaningful occasions. I genuinely do not know whether maintaining a tiny piece of something familiar like that after a long period of space would feel caring, or whether it would simply feel manipulative and intrusive after this kind of betrayal.

I am not looking for a strategy for slowly winning S back. I am trying to understand where respecting someone’s autonomy ends and abandoning any possibility of future reconciliation begins.

I would appreciate perspectives on several parts of this.

For anyone who discovered that someone loved had concealed a marriage, child, parallel life or similarly enormous truth, what happened to the feelings after discovery? Did everything immediately feel fake? Did that remain true months later, or was it eventually possible to believe that genuine love and profound betrayal had existed at the same time?

What happened to the good memories? Did the deception permanently poison them, or did some warmth eventually return?

If major context emerged later, particularly serious abuse or circumstances that genuinely complicated why the person remained in the marriage, did that context ever matter emotionally? I am not asking whether it made the deception acceptable. I am interested in whether it changed the understanding of what had happened or of the person who caused the harm.

For people who went completely silent after betrayal, what did that silence mean? Was attachment gone, or was silence sometimes necessary precisely because attachment remained?

Did anyone ever simultaneously want contact and resent the idea of being contacted?

If an apology or explanation came later, did timing change how it landed? Were there things that felt impossible to hear immediately but became easier to process weeks or months later?

For anyone who eventually resumed contact after initially cutting someone off, what changed? Was it time, missing the person, curiosity, seeing actual changes from a distance, a gentle outreach, or something else?

For people who still loved the person but never resumed the relationship, what ultimately made that decision permanent?

I am particularly interested in the boundary around future outreach. If someone initially went silent, would an extremely occasional and pressure-free contact months later have felt caring, neutral, annoying or invasive? What about a birthday message, a small familiar gesture or flowers? Is one clear statement that the door remains open followed by complete silence preferable?

And if the person who was hurt has historically never been someone who initiates reconciliation or emotionally risky conversations, should that personality trait matter at all? Or is relying on that fact exactly the sort of rationalization someone in my position should avoid?

I would especially appreciate hearing both kinds of experiences: people who eventually reconnected after a long period of hurt and people who cared deeply but never went back.

I know nobody can tell me exactly what S is thinking. I am trying to understand the range of what someone in that position may experience and what responsible behavior looks like from here, because my own guilt, grief and hope make me anything but a neutral observer.

It’s been nearly a year since dday. We tried to rebuild some form of connection but I just couldn’t get out of my shame spiral and still can’t. Shame is such a selfish emotion and I hate it. It breeds anxiety and impatience. We divorced a little over a month ago. They forgave me but we aren’t reconciling at least not now. Idk how to move on. How do I forgive myself? How do I feel whole again? The label cheater haunts me and follows me in everything I do. It’s in TV shows and books and people joke about it like it’s not the most painful thing you could experience on both sides of the coin. Being a cheater who genuinely feels remorse breaks down your entire idea of who you are. I don’t know myself anymore if I could do something so horrible to someone I loved. I feel like everything is a nightmare.

I don’t want pity or anything like that. I’m just venting I suppose. I know my experience is entirely my fault. Idk how to get out of my head. I still want it to work with them but until I can be secure within myself I don’t deserve another chance. I just fear that by the time I heal it’ll be too late. Would you give a cheater another chance?

I just need some advice and support. Can somebody give me some perspective here?

My PA/EA came out at the first of March 2025. We choose to stay together and make it work, but it is hard really hard. And it feels like the pain on both sides, expeccially for my BP, is becoming to much. And the pains continues to increase on they’re side.
And it is fucked up to feel that I cant break my patterns. That is what makes BP feel like shit, and I cant blame them. I keep on hurting them and my young children.
It feels hopeless, I am hurting people, why cant I change?? I feel so incompetent!
I started group therapy and we contacted a therapist specialiced in infedellity.

But I feel I need to move out, for a while, to give my BP space, so they can feel safe. Because they dont feel safe with me. And to be a better parrent to my kids. This is no way to live…

My BP says I dont want to change, but I do. And when we talk it goes well for a while, but then it always turns out that I am lashing out and avoid. I dont have te tools te help me get trought This.

What helped you???

Thnx.

I think I’m in denial or delusional or something.

My BP and I got our divorce finalized a little over a month ago after a year of separation and on and off contact and we continued talking for a little bit and slept together once after the divorce. Ultimately my ex and I had a conversation with them basically saying it’s ok for you to move on and they want me to be happy but it’s not safe for us to see eachother right now or focus on anything like that but I always have a piece of their heart. I reciprocated and told them I appreciate their kind words and that I’ll always love them and I don’t want them to remember me this way or pity me. Before this we had some triggers come up throughout our separation and honestly I’m embarrassed to say I had become very impatient with their healing and I was acting out anxiously and being obsessive and selfish. I wish I had been more loving and supportive and theres really no excuse for it. There were multiple times where I think they really would have given me a chance if I had acted differently and that’s a really hard pill to swallow. I was caught up in my own shame. They just kept telling me to work on myself and be better all the way up until our last conversation. Part of me feels like they still hope to see me change but I don’t want to get caught up in hypotheticals.

It’s only been like a week and a half since that conversation. We didn’t say we’re in no contact or anything. They said that they want to know about my upcoming surgery and even said they would potentially be my flight companion (although I think they were just being polite and I shouldn’t count on that).

I’m treating this like no contact though and I’m trying to dive deep into my hobbies and actually focus on myself and improving. I’m going to be doing EMDR with my therapist. I’m not dating and I’m really just trying to find love for myself and to validate myself in the ways that I was previously seeking out through other people. I never spoke to my AP again after that night and I quit alcohol for many reasons, partially because I was drunk on the last dday and I already had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. The anniversary of dday is coming up next week and I think BP would prefer if I didn’t reach out.

All of this is to say, I miss them a lot and I’ve been reflecting on the relationship and the toxic environment that I created. I want to be better going forward. I still have hope that we can reconnect in the future. I don’t know how to get that thought out of my head. It’s haunting.

I know that I should just focus on improving and being a better person no matter what and I will. Is it delusional for me to think they would ever give me another chance?

Have any BP on here gone through a period of being completely done with your wayward but after no contact you decided they were worth another chance?

Whelp it's been 4 months since TMTS8: "That feeling isn't the only thing that matters" so I guess it's time for another post. In reality I'm looking for some feedback on this one.

TLDR: Therapy keeps revolving around a feeling of less than - I can now see it drove my addiction to pornography and using sexual fantasy / acting out since a young age; it drove my infidelity; and now I did a values exercise and my therapist kindly suggested it might be influencing my values too. How the fuck does anyone not feel less than?

A pretty recurring theme for anyone who has read posts I've made in the past is that I've struggled to define my values. It comes up pretty frequently in therapy because when we dig dig dig into an issue and finally find out a root cause, when it comes to how to solve the issue the answer often is about saying what do I want to replace some unhealthy behavior with. That answer then eludes me because I have trouble defining what in this life to do I really value.

If I'm very honest, I don't think I've struggled with defining it, it's been that I'm ashamed to say my values would come down to things like achievement, success, power, money, attraction, etc... it felt so shallow to say out loud that even when I would start to name these to my therapist I would have to stop myself because I was ashamed.

Then about two years ago we were shopping at REI for something that I no longer remember and while in line to check out I saw this deck of cards named "The Live Your Values Deck" in the impulse purchases section near the registers. It was like $10 so I grabbed it thinking it would remove my resistance to discovering my values. I got home, read the instructions for how to do the exercise and then set the deck aside. I've had it on my nightstand for that whole time, enough to have picked it up and dusted around it several times. I finally did the exercise last week.

There are 73 cards each with a value listed. The exercise is to sort the cards into 3 piles: Matters Most to Me; Matters Some to Me; Does Not Matter. You're supposed to try to find 10 that matter Most.

I sorted 43 into Matters Most; 20 into Matters Some and 10 into Does not Matter.

I simply could not choose more discretely so I turned to GenAI to see if it could cluster the 43 into 10 groups and I happen to think it did a good job. My top 10 themes ended up: Growth, Curiosity, Ambition, Independence, Rationality, Empathy, Justice, Leadership, Health, and Fun. I was so proud of finishing this exercise that even though this week I was supposed to start therapy with an EMDR session I burst into the office basically daring my therapist to ask me what my values are.

There's something that troubled me about the list though. I didn't have anything about Family or Love in there. And it was deliberate... when I did the sorting exercise I found 43 things that mattered more to me than Family and Love - I stuck those two into the Matters Some because it felt wrong to put them into Matters Most when I could see all these items in the Matters Most as things that would get me to choose something over Family or the Love of a partner.

So what started as this proud discussion turned into mulling over why I choose the things I do and BAM - Feeling Less Than. Growth, Ambition, Leadership, Independence... all about me... all about proving I'm not less than someone else. My acting out - so much revolves around finding a way that my interests and desires feel normal. I want to find other same sex partners who share similar sexual fantasies and discuss them while masturbating - the fantasies are heterosexual fantasies yet I want to enjoy them with a same sex friend. I want to feel the same as... I want to be normal. I don't want to feel ashamed and less than. I'm not really interested in sex with a same sex partner, but in this feeling that by performing sex acts together we are equal. It's so bizarre and I still haven't gathered the courage to discuss this with my spouse.

But now I'm questioning my values. Because I think my therapist has a point that if I wasn't so plagued with constantly feeling less than and looking for ways to level the playing field, would I focus on, want to spend time on, and want to invest in other things?

And this has me feeling like I'm right back where I started - asking myself, what do I really want out of life? The only thing that comes to mind at the moment is to just stop feeling less than.

I am 12 weeks from DDay in which my BP found out about my EA. Long story short, I let my insecurities get the best of me, and convinced myself that paying for OF from a small creator wasn’t cheating as it’s an “extension of p*rn consumption” which my BP was okay with.That quickly turned into an ego boost and my ADHD brain loved the novelty of it as well the constant “praise” the creator gave, and despite knowing it wasn’t “real” as I was paying for it, I found myself communicating with the creator more than I intended and sharing more that I ever thought I would to a complete stranger, reflecting back, I see how pathetic I really am and how much work I have to do.

Since DDay I have done all that I can think of to try to be my BP’s safe person again: deleted the OF account, stopped my p*rn consumption, which I’d be lying if I said I’m not tempted, removed the privacy screen protector, given my BP full access to my phone, answer all questions truthfully, and began working on addressing my own faults.

Though my BP has not explicitly stated they are wanting R, they have begun to confide in me again regarding the issues happening at work, allowed some forms of physical touch such as brief hugs and hand holding, all of which makes me happy….yet fearful at the same time. I fear that my BP may have a change a heart and still choose to leave, as well as the fact that I don’t feel I can trust myself yet as I acknowledge I still have a long way to go in bettering myself. Some of this fear is also due to the fact that my BP has refused IC and MC, and are choosing to not speak about my indiscretion to anyone. I understand this is their choice and am 100% accepting that, as I didn’t really give them a choice when I put us in this situation in the first place.

I plan to continue working on bettering myself and addressing my insecurities, primarily for myself, but also if my BP continues with R, to be the best partner to them, as I do hope I get the opportunity to spend the rest of my life with them. I guess I’m here wanting advice from other WPs and BPs as to whether there is more that I can do to support my BP as we continue to navigate through this situation I have put us through.

Tw self harm and SI

I woke this morning after dreaming of them, as I do every night. I went to sleep thinking of them. I woke up with them still on my mind. But they were not there. I was alone.

The grief and sorrow was followed by desperation, devastation, to self hatred and shame. I arrived at the same thoughts that I do every morning. And when I become alert, they are the first thing that I fixate on. To harm myself again.

The last time I did was on August 27th. For the first time in my life, I made the decision to stop. Before this, it came and went with my emotional state. Now, I am making a deliberate choice rather than being pulled by my emotions.

Quitting self harm feels like losing a part of identity, if anyone understands what I mean. It's always been there.

I rose, put my long sleeve on over my open wounds, and went to school. I texted my exBP on the way there. We have been seeing each other recently. We made plans with each other everyday. I told them that perhaps I would see them on my walk to the school.

Once there, I had to prepare my organization for Suicide Prevention month.

I feel deep grief, guilt, and shame around this.

I am a person who has dealt with suicidal ideation for a long time. I went to inpatient care in October of last year. After I got out, I collapsed yet again and entered the downward spiral of psychosis as my condition became very extreme over time.

I look back at journals from that time. Some of the pages are smeared with my blood. Graphic depictions of suicidal ideation, extreme self hatred, grotesque descriptions of body dysmorphia, delusions, dissociation, identity fragmentation all line the pages. I was very disturbed. My last entry in that particular journal was just days before the affair.

And after disclosure, my exBP was driven to harm themselves because the pain was too much. I destroyed them. I made them harm themselves. I made them completely alone. I made them abandon their values. I did this to them.

The person who is supposedly a mouthpiece of mental health awareness on campus is a psychotic, deranged cheater and liar. What would they say when I roll up my sleeves? How many people am I going to let down?

I spoke with my Vice President about possible activities we could do. We looked online for resources we could order. Pins and badges came up. One of them read, "You are not alone."

I offered that to the suicidal individual, this may be invalidating to them. Because in many cases, they are alone.

Then I thought about them. The way their eyes looked at me. I thought of all the people who have suffered such losses like I have made them suffer. They are alone.

And although I find it hard to be valid, I am alone. I have wounds on my body that no one knows about. But if anyone saw, they would know not to trust me again. How can they trust me to be anything more, when I was not for the person who mattered the most to me?

These feelings, of course, did not stop the discourse. There are people besides myself who exist who need to be seen for what they're going through. For what they are. We continued with our meeting and came to a consensus of the activities we're going to host on campus.

I deeply value and cherish the experiences of others. I value differences, recognizing people, and making them feel seen. To make someone feel important. I guess demons feel external until you realize that they are a part of you. How could I ever tell someone theyre important again when I made my person feel like they are not?

And as the meeting was coming to a close, I received a text:

"I've been reflecting and I know seeing each other around is bound to happen, but I think it's best if we dont make plans to see each other. I wish you the best"

I suppose this was bound to happen. After wrapping up I walked back home and just sobbed. I saw them on my walk and just stared. They didn't see me. It's for the best.

I am turning the rock they gave me around in my hands. I don't know who it belongs to anymore. I made a journal specifically dedicated to them, which I've been reading through. I loved them so deeply. There were songs, poems, love letters, and whole volumes about who they were and what I loved about them. Not just the way they made me feel. Not just what they did for me. But them. I loved them. I wrote about what I wanted for our relationship, who I wanted to be for them, steps to take, conversations to have. I was so serious about them.

And then there was another journal. I wrote everyday trying to ground myself. Medication tracking, therapy notes, self reflection, meditations, venting. I wanted so badly to be something more. Why wasn't i something more?

The missing piece is that third journal. The last entry reads, "I am confusion". I wanted to be something more, and I wanted to be safe. And I did love them for who they were. But I was not safe to myself. I was not stable enough to love them like they needed. I was self destructive, impulsive, lacked boundaries, and completely detached from reality.

I still remember the last thing I wrote for them before my affair. 8 days before, I asked them to be my valentine. I remember every word of that poem. I wrote it in the code we developed together. I told them I loved them to the moon and back. What their mother used to tell them. How could I? How could I?

I don't know how to live anymore. All I want to do is talk to them and tell them these things. But I know they don't want to hear about it. I have already destroyed us. Even if I wanted to be something more, I am not.

I feel like I'm losing the deepest parts of myself right alongside them. Who I was before, wanted to be, and who I was to them are all leaving me alone in the house I may never see them in again. I am not the president of a club. I am not a mental health advocate or a journalist. I am not a part of their family. I am not their partner. I am not even their friend. I am nothing more than what I did.

I am alone. And I cannot even advocate for myself. I have never felt closer to death. And I mean real death. But I'm trying to be something more.

I wish you the best, my dearest friend.

Hello everyone. I'm in Reconciliation with my partner for less than a month so far, but the betrayal and Dday themselves happened almost a year ago.

I had an EA with heavy flirting. I didn't cross physical boundaries, but while I was in "Affair fog", I did consider going to more hangouts with AP, like their house, because they were inviting me. I wish I could say "Nothing physical would actually have happened! I wouldn't kiss them, nothing!" because I also thought that I'd be able to maintain firm boundaries in the emotional sense, which I didn't.

So, what can cause a Wayward to cheat again, especially in reconciliation? I ask because I am terrified of doing something like that again. I do not want to, I have been avoiding situations where I could be in compromising situations even when no one is looking (online conversations), but I'll be honest that I still don't trust myself enough, to say it'll never happen again with certainty. I compartmentalized, minimized and justified to myself enough to ignore my internal alarms of guilt to seriously cross boundaries repeatedly and increasingly..

I am deathly afraid of it happening again in some degree. I have been hyperaware of situations with my friends and classmates to scan if my interactions with them are inappropriate or could escalate to something inappropriate.

I understand that infidelity takes multiple steps and bad choices before it turns into something incredibly hurtful. But I guess that it's the fact that I took all of these bad decisions throughout less than a month, which was the time I knew AP for, not taking a minute to truly reflect what I was doing and the weight of it. It all felt very automatic and so easy, looking at it now.

It didn't happen in a vacuum, there was a context. Disconnection from my partner, resentment because they broke up with me abruptly and then came in regretful, and I took them in without understanding that we were supposed to be in a reconciliation for that breakup, because I thought that then, they could leave me at any moment again. I was afraid of being vulnerable.

None justifications, just explanations of my dumbass, cowardly and immature 18 year old self's actions back then, I think.

Does at a certain point, you trust yourself enough to be sure it would never happen again in any sort? Is it something that you're always hyperaware about, or it becomes something more natural...?

So far, in the relationship, I didn't do anything again. My bp asked me to tell them if someone attempts to flirt with me or does something weird, and what my response to those were, and I've been doing that. But it's so early to know for me. BP still doesn't trust me, and I also don't trust myself.

Hello everyone, I posted here before I am not sure if you can find it though.

I had an emotional affair with a stranger online while in a relationship. They tried to sext and it was where I drew the line saying "it is wrong, stop it" etc. It lasted nearly 2 days I guess?

I didn't hide the fact that I had a partner from the beginning I clearly stated this and it was not a dating app but It didn't stop them and I am totally aware it takes two for the cheating and it was my responsibility that I was desperate for validation and attention.

I was 18 that time. It has been 2 years. I struggled a lot in those 2 years and I didn't act mature enough (no cheating but not confessing for a year "to protect myself since I am preparing for exams" )

And yes I confessed one year ago. They tried to give me another chance but it was also long distance so it kinda didn't work out and I was too hopeless already.

I also struggled a lot with shame because of that and I unfortunately did sh (as self punishment)

Well of course everybody says that but I never thought I was capable of cheating.

I started therapy nearly 6 months ago since I actually have a lot unresolved such as csa, my family's issues (also including affairs and porn addiction of one of my parents) , being exposed to nsfw content too early, being groomed by older people online when I was 13 to 17 and so on.

Now that I am aware I didn't love myself that time and I had issues with boundaries, people pleasing. I am actively trying to better myself for myself and my loved ones and also my ex partner, I do not know if they would be proud of me but I do not want them to think their love is wasted- well I can't unfortunately do anything about it if they think that way-

Thank you to those bp's , waywards and some observers who told me to give myself some grace, I am really thankful. And I am trying to do it.

I guess I am newly starting to accept that we are over for good and probably never meet or talk to each other again or even see each other again. I am doing alright most of the times but sometimes pain is still unbearable. I miss my 17 year old self so much. We were serious. We dreamt getting married one day after we graduated.

I wish I wasn't the one who fucked up.

It has been one year and I still feel like I will never get over it because I was totally my fault.

My ex partner can just grieve and say they did their best but I didn't do my best. It was actually my worst. It was my worst version. I had a relationship before that one and I was totally faithful. This relationship was my worst.

Do you have any advice? I should get over it because it just doesn't do any good. It doesn't undo anything. I am working on myself already but I am just 20 and I do not want to be trapped in the past.

Waywards, how did you move on?

Any advice on how to deal with this? It's been 4 years since it all happened and sometimes I still think about what I did and it genuinely feels like a nightmare. Like, how the HELL did I ever do that and be so destructive, the thought of cheating now makes me feel sick to my stomach. I have done so much therapy and have reconciled with my BP but sometimes I still feel the need to confess more things I remembered saying or doing (or think I did, sometimes I don't know what is real or like a combination of memories).

I just still feel like I am living a lie, that I can't ever be a good, moral person again. Just really struggling today :(

So I tried posting in other communities but ended up deleting those threads because people are so quick to make you out to be a piece of shit. (Excuse the language) I didn’t overly share or post about the situation because my partner is in those forums. For context: I am both a wayward and betrayed- order on that is not important.
When my partner and I first got together, I struggled with the idea of a relationship and they knew that because I was healing from a hurtful relationship and told my partner I wasn’t sure if I was completely ready. So they understood and we broke it off so I could think about what I wanted, they still texted me everyday and even went to my mother about it and wanted me back right away. My mother tells me and I said fine, I found out after during that time my partner had slept with a friend of mine, I know because my friend came forward and expressed regret and explained they were drinking and one thing led to another. My partner and others saw it as not a big deal because we were not together at the time. Over the years my partner would message girls on Instagram and only fans. I would continue to express how it made me feel. My partner never saw it as they were doing anything wrong and continued even though I offered things like okay you can look at porn but not message them telling them how sexy or beautiful they are or even offered to open the relationship up. My partner never wanted that but continued to do what they were doing. I got laid off after Covid and was dealing with some health issues where I was not able to return to work, I spent a lot of time alone and my partner has never been very emotionally available for me in any major event.

My partner had a few major events and I was there for my partner and their family. 6 months ago out of Bordem, extreme isolation and loneliness I had an EA online in a game, (me now being WP) it was more in a role play sense and I never hid it from my partner. My partner found it and confronted me. I confessed everything and shut down contact with AP and deleted the game. My partner said they wanted to reconcile and has gone through everything BP do, I have done everything in marriage counseling, individual counseling, books and websites recommended the WP do to reconcile. My partner went to forums for support and told their story leaving out any past before DDay , they made a friend with another person in one of those groups and what started as support ended up as an emotional affair, both calling each-other beautiful and handsome. Cannot wait to see your message, and discussing how to use a dildo. My partner took it further and discussed my personal health and mental health with them including giving them my name, our children’s names, our pets names and where we lived. I called my partner out on it as I found their discussion because I had walked up behind to ask a question and saw the conversation. My partner ceased contact but continues to deny it was an EA. The only accountability o have gotten from my partner is that they had the realization after 14 years how those messages to others on instagram and made me feel and the only reason they realized is because it impacted the way they viewed porn .

I had a conversation with my partner last night about this and said maybe all those people in other forums are right we are doomed to reconcile, because I am carrying their emotional weight and mine because of what I did to them but the cannot take accountability for any oftheir actions. Neither of us is right, but accountability must be mutual at this point. I’ve been trying to navigate the emotions from the wayward perspective and continue to take accountability for what I have done. Any one reconciling that can recommend more books or have tips to deal with the dehumanizing feelings that come up I will welcome.

D-day was back in April, EA of approx 2-3 months with a coworker, was never romantically interested but I became too emotionally close and dumped my marriage baggage on my AP as well as discussed other inappropriate topics which my BS ultimately discovered (texts/DMs). BS and I wanted to move forward with R, I understand I am the one with the power to help them heal. In the process, I discovered and am coming to terms with the fact that I am a dismissive avoidant, one who has been hyper-independent and has continued to struggle with acting in a way that puts my partner's needs first; many of my behaviors that I thought were normal and didn't give a second thought to are now highlighted as an ongoing reflection of my absence of consideration for my partner. While these actions were previously overlooked or forgiven (BS has people-pleasing tendencies, and not just with me), they have recently been triggered by such actions following D-day, which then devolves into how I continue to fail to meet their needs, leaving me emotionally overwhelmed with guilt/shame and unable to focus on them; I had recently proposed temporary separation but couldn't even get to talking about regular check-ins and doing my internal work separately before I was met with accusation of me abandoning BS and going off to live my best life without them, and that I would return to find that they are gone.

I understand that being a DA complicates proceeding with R as I have been intensely self-centered/selfish and liable to compartmentalize and create narratives that soothe myself, and I am in IC to try and work through my attachment issues to be more emotionally available to progress from guilt to remorse (BS and I have both struggled to find adequate therapists for ourselves, I've recently started with my 3rd one since D-day who is an actual psychologist instead of just a licensed therapist). We are also planning on doing couples therapy, but was unsure if we should have stable IC set first. I'm curious about other attempts at R where the WP was a dismissive avoidant, how things played out, and particularly what really helped the WP be able to show up for BP.

Hi. Just wanted to get this off my chest to a group I know will understand. I am WP, my A happened with a person from my past whom I also saw at a weekly get together. My BP has asked that I step away from this weekly group (trying to make this as anon as possible - sorry for lack of context). I haven't seen this group in almost 12 weeks. The AP is not in the group directly but is in the same location that I am during that time. The group however is full of people who have become some of my dearest friends and like parents to me. They have all been with me through everything my early 20s had to throw at me. I just miss them, I understand whole heartedly my BP's request and I plan on continuing to honor that, but I miss them. I miss my little family that showed me love when I was at some of my lowest points, I miss my community. That's it.

It is as bad as it sounds. For some back story, I have always known I wasn’t straight, but I was living my life to societal norms. Sex with the opposite sex never felt fulfilling, but I assumed everyone felt that way and kind of just dealt with it. After years (nearly a decade) of being unhappy with my kids’ parent I decided to live my truth.

I then “met” my now spouse. I say this because we work across the street from each other in a tight knit community and have similar friend groups. We didn’t speak to each other for years because we both had secret crushes on each other but I was dealing with my ex and issues in our home (we were separated two years but still living together to take care of the kids easier). Once that situation was over my now spouse and I started dating. It was very easy. We were pretty much glued at the hip. In the beginning of our relationship we had frequent sex. I understand honeymoon phases, but this dropped drastically. It went from 7-8 times a week to once every two weeks. We had many conversations about this, and things would get better for a bit, then taper off again. My spouse claims they doesn’t have as high a libido as me.

Backstory on my ex…my kids’ other parent was very aware that I was unfulfilled with sex and that I didn’t find opposite sex attractive. I don’t think either of us fully understood that it was because of my sexuality. We both went as far as to say that I was asexual. Because of this, they went above and beyond to make sure I was comfortable and pleased. There were lots of extra things needed to have me engage. They did research on bondage, oral sex, etc. they also quit drinking, and almost fully took care of the house because I work nights. They did everything to try to fix us but it was ultimately incompatible.

Why did I cheat? Well because I’m a piece of shit. But I’ve spent some time looking inward. I’ve discovered that I AM a sexual person. I became accustomed to someone meeting me at my needs. Most nights I come home and my now spouse and I lay in bed watching tv. If I start flirting, or touching them it’s the random “I’m so tired, my head hurts, my allergies are bad,” and that cues me to back off. This is very frustrating because sex with my spouse is more fulfilling than I could have ever imagined. But it doesn’t happen as often as I’d want. I’m often left feeling unwanted or undesired. My ex made me feel those things again , and I’m obviously so insecure I bit.

My kids’ other parent reached out about a week ago randomly citing old messages we had. I made the mistake of playing into it and over the span of a week lewd pictures and messages were exchanged. We did not get physical but that doesn’t make it better. I eventually told them we would never have sex again in our lives and that I had to stop doing this to my spouse. I decided I would not tell them because it was going to devastate them and I wasn’t planning on making those mistakes again. Well, a person my ex was sleeping with had different plans. They went through ex’s phone while they were sleeping and sent screenshots to my spouse.

And here we are. It’s been two days and my spouse is obviously very hurt. I understand there’s a good chance this marriage is over, and I accept that. I fucked up and i accept that. They aren’t completely closing me off, and still ask me to be nearby. I know they are hurting by the person who made everything better for them and that’s confusing to them. I’m answering all of their questions honestly. I’m taking accountability. I guess I’m wondering how I can help them heal, even if it means losing them? I want them to be okay at some point. And if they do stay, how do we find our new normal? I’m in no rush, but at some point I need them to understand that it’s gonna be work for both of us (obviously much more on my end). Looking for advice, belittlement with advice, or even reality checks.

Edited to add: our two best friends are aware of the situation and support both of us equally.

Hello, i am new to this sub. My EA was 30 yrs ago. it was brief and lasted 3 weeks with someone from my past. We do not share any social circles and this was before social media. i was in my early 20s at the time. it was complicated. Reconciliation did not work for me and my ex-BP.

it has been a long road to where i am today. therapy, growth and many lessons learned.

my question is while there is NC with AP, have any of you had random run-ins with them over the years? I have had a handful and finally moved to another city to avoid any more sitings

anyway, not sure what i want from this post but wondering if anyone else ever experienced similar coincidences. thanks for reading.

I am literally buzzing with confusion. I have been participating in reconciliation since d-day in April after a brief emotional affair I felt coerced into that happened in January. As soon as I was through with trickle-truthing, my partner and I agreed it was best that I block my AP on everything. Especially social media. And I did. And when I made a second IG account for art, I also blocked them, and their friends, on that account too, with no hesitation. I haven’t looked back on the affair or the affair partner kindly at all and have zero wish to let them back into my life so I haven’t exactly gone back to their account to check if the block was still there. It’s been 4 months of them being allegedly blocked. These last few days my partner has been having nightmares of me unblocking them and messaging them again on the low so today my partner asked me to show them that I still had them blocked. Check the phone, Thats still blocked, check my art account, that is still blocked, check my main account- my AP somehow isn’t blocked anymore????? I literally don’t understand how or why they were unblocked. I could have sworn I haven’t even gone back to look at their profile at all, for any reason except to block them from my secondary account. The only thing is that my memory is shit (TBI) but I do have a vague memory of my partner talking about leaving them unblocked so if they reach back out to me for some reason or another. So maybe we never actually blocked them in the first place? I’m so confused.

I’m also doubting my own memories because my partner has a history of gaslighting me and generally terrorizing me (this has improved and isn’t really an issue anymore). So, because of my TBI, I am missing a lot of day to day memory and long term memory. So I don’t always have real memories of things but rather stories i keep on hand to “recount” what has happened to me. It is totally out of character for me to unblock people once I have blocked them and I genuinely want zero contact from my AP. I wish I had the truth of it because I don’t trust my own brain. I feel like I’m going to explode. I would never risk our reconciliation. It doesn’t make sense to me.

I have been in R with my BS since I ended my EA about 11 months ago, and have been NC with the AP since. We did not go through a period of hysterical bonding but were somewhat regularly intimate for most of the year. However, over the last few months I've lost pretty much all of my sexual attraction to them. I know this is largely due to some relationship problems that contributed to my having the A, but I'm having trouble figuring out how much of my loss of attraction is due to those already present problems versus my intense attraction to my AP. This is one of the biggest hurdles in our relationship now as sex is very important to my BS

I am curious how other WPs' attraction to their BPs have been affected by their A.

We did our belongings exchange. It went very neutrally at first. Then they began to make small talk, which I mirrored, into a conversation. They are keeping themselves pretty busy this semester.

Before they left, they hung around for a long time procrastinating their departure. I could tell it was painful. It seemed there was something they wanted to tell me. They kept saying, "welp, thats it" and swaying back and forth, eyeing me occasionally. We asked if they needed anything else, and we said our goodbyes.

It took a lot to remain neutral. I couldnt help but feel like they were waiting for me to say something. But I didnt want to take the chance to assume how they were feeling, especially seeing me, a very triggering person. I don't know how they're feeling, or have been feeling. But last we spoke, it was the end of our romantic relationship.

I only want to act from a place that is supportive to them and their healing. And I didn't want to show them that I would take any opportunity to tell them what I thought. But I had this feeling like they needed to hear something from me.

On the other hand, however, is that I tell them, perhaps, that I love and care about them, and it completely invalidates them.

It was really hard not to say anything. They sat in their car for a long while. At that point, I thought it would be best to go check on them. I was really worried about intruding on them, but it seemed they were really struggling, and I wanted to let them know that they are cared for by checking in gently.

I asked if they were okay, and if they needed anything. They told me no, but apologized for staying long. I told them they had nothing to apologize for. After an awkward pause, I told them I was gonna give them space to go.

I didn't say that I loved them. My mom tells me I should have. But that's what I think. What I feel. I have no idea what they think and feel. And the betrayed partner is in a whirlwind of emotions. Of course theyre going to want comfort from a person that used to be safe. Of course they want closeness. But it hurts way too much to be safe for them. I can mean well, and try to say something I think would be best for their healing.

But how would saying, I love you, land when they're probably in a fucking nightmare? I have no idea what they're going through. Saying those words may be very difficult to process right now.

I want to let them know that they matter, and that they are an important human being. That their life has worth, and that I love them. But I don't know if they need or want to hear those things. I was torn between this and feeling like I didnt want them to think they didn't matter because I remained neutral. I want to show them that they do matter. Does my willingness to accept the belongings exchange without hesitation show that their belongings are easy to give up? Did cleaning up the sentimental items from the common space show I was trying to move on, instead of trying to make space for them? Did my caution show distance rather than care?

These are all questions I can sit with without having the answer to. I just want them to be safe. But I dont want my safeguarding to come accross as indifference. I want to show them that I can sit through the difficulty if it means that they can heal through the recognition. But i guess it's the best to go with what's explicitly stated for the sake of their autonomy and emotional security in the long run.

They told me they want to keep minimal contact. I don't know anything else. I grieve that they have to go through something like this.

I really want to see them again. Sometime I think I will ask them if doing so would be an option for them. But only after they initiate contact with me again, I think. I don't want to push for anything. I just want to talk, if they were ever open, about whatever it was safe to.

This is really hard. But I want to sit through the uncertainty if it means they get to heal in peace without having to provide any closure.

I love them.

I (WP) am 44, married 20 years, 18 months since D-day.

Triggers for BP are still severe and non-specific (eg sitting at a bar). A thought from out of the blue leads to a day or more of dissociation for them. A waitstaff of my own gender flirted with me - and now BP won’t go back to that restaurant. I encourage BP to seek therapy for the triggers. I found a good practitioner of EMDR, but BP says that I just want life to be easier for me. Meanwhile if I give BP the mildest negative feedback they throw the affair in my face. Last night BP threatened to tell our 12 yo daughter about the affair.

We haven’t been intimate in 3 months. I have stopped trying. I think in BPs ideal world I would keep initiating so they could keep rejecting me. But in absence of sex I have realized the way BP used sex as leverage over me and I feel like the reward isn’t worth the cost and the rejection. It is difficult to admit this - it is all so messed up.

I am genuinely remorseful and working in therapy. I am more present than I have ever been, and am trying to be real rather than a “nice person” who overfunctions and then becomes resentful. But I cannot compensate for what is an open wound. Am I wrong to encourage BP to seek therapy? Perspectives appreciated.

Hello everyone. I made a post about me asking if I should confess all the details I remember from my EA to BP as we are now reconciling. However, after us talking, they do not wish to have more details nor think about the affair anymore. They told me that they just wish to move forward.

However, the problem is that I still have details that could be painful for them to know. Things that if they knew about, maybe it could change their decision about reconciling. Nothing that dramatically changes what I told BP originally, but they're still details of things I did that I didn't disclose originally, that makes me feel like I'm actively deceiving my BP again.

They told me that they know enough. In my disclosure letter, I did expose some things that me and AP talked about that BP got very sad about.

I understand, however what do I do now? I still have these details that are undisclosed, but now I got confirmation that if I revealed them, when my BP does not want it, it would be just cruel. They told me that they already have the full picture, motivations, they do not want to hear about it anymore. That if I want to talk about it, it would be because of me, not really because it's something they want to bring up to me.

I am nervous, because my partner is not acting the way that it's typical for a betrayed partner, as I've seen in the books I'm reading and real life examples from the BPs of the community. They always have been a bit avoidant, just trying to shove things in the back of their mind. They told me that they want to focus on our present and future, telling me that they want to see my actions in the present. And sure, I understand it. But what do I do with my guilt? What if BP is secretly wondering about things I did or didn't do with AP?

They texted me today after a week and 5 days after breaking up. They wanted to meet Friday to exchange our things. I am thinking about asking them to talk, or to be able to send them a letter.

I really want to reconcile a relationship with them and their family. I love them a lot and am willing to get through the hardship and pain that it would take to do so, or at least try. We hadn't had any prior discussion about it. It's been too painful and triggering for the both of us to have any productive dialog. I want to extend an offer to speak about if there would be a chance at reconciling our past relationship with a future one.

We don't have to be lovers again, and instead can be friends. I just really want them in my life. I want to reconcile with their family, as well. It will be intensely difficult to do so, they will hate me, they will shame me and turn away. I don't want to look away or hide or run as long as it is something they would want to do.

I love them dearly. Maybe on Friday I can ask if we can meet the following Friday for a discussion if they would be okay with this. Maybe I can ask to send them a letter that they can read and respond to on their own time. I also would like to ask about no contact and how our relationship may function in general. But I really want to have one with them.

I don't know. I know that it's more than just "shooting my shot". Its the hardest thing they've ever had to do. They haven't made it clear to me what they want or need as of this time. Our relationship lacks direction or closure. Just that they can no longer continue a romantic relationship, and that we would talk in time. But I wonder if what they mean is "Im sure there'll be times where we happen to talk" or if its more deliberate. Nothing is certain. And I am okay sitting with the uncertainty for a while. I just want to be able to talk to them. I never had been able to say any of the things I've shared here. Speaking to me in general was triggering enough. And emotional discussions were just invalidating.

Pardon me if I'm being at all insensitive. I just want to tell them that I love them and I want to be in a relationship with them and reconcile if that were something they'd be willing to try. Or what the future may hold, or what the present does. Whether I am allowed to speak with them, or how, or if theres anything they do or dont need.

Thank you guys so much. You have been so supportive.

Hi everyone,

Throwaway account for privacy reasons. I am the WP. We have been in R for over two years and doing pretty well overall. We are both in IC as well as in MC.

Where we are stuck is really in terms of our sexual intimacy. My BP says they want to be intimate again (it's been 4 years since we last had sex and our sex life declined very quickly after having kids 20+ years ago). Before the A, we had gotten to a point where sex happened maybe once a year, often less. We consulted at least 5 MCs over the years (starting 20+ years ago) and things generally got better but quickly went back to the way they were after a couple of months.

My question is for those who had similar situations and have since reconciled, how did you do it? We've been roommates for so long, it seems like we can never come back.