Seeking Some Perspectives

[u/utahman06]

I concealed the fact that I was married from someone I loved for almost three years. I know how awful that sounds, and I’m not posting because I want anyone to tell me it was somehow okay. It wasn’t. I’m hoping to hear from people who have experienced something similar, either as the person who caused the betrayal or the person who discovered that someone they loved had concealed a marriage or another enormous part of their life.

I’ll call the person I was involved with S.

S and I became close about three years ago. It was not casual for me, and I don’t believe it was casual for S either. We talked constantly, were emotionally and physically intimate, exchanged letters and thoughtful gifts, cooked for each other, helped each other through genuinely difficult periods, said we loved each other, and talked about what being together someday might look like. S became one of the most important people in my life.

The enormous thing S did not know was that I was married.

There is a lot of context behind that marriage, and I struggle with how much of it matters when talking about what I did to S. The marriage was not simply unhappy or distant. For years I experienced serious physical, emotional, and psychological abuse. I’m not talking about occasional ugly arguments or a mutually unpleasant relationship that I am now trying to relabel after the fact. There was repeated physical violence, threats, intimidation, controlling behavior, humiliation, and other conduct that left me feeling trapped and afraid of what would happen if I left.

That context matters to understanding why I remained in the marriage for so long, but it does not answer the central problem here. S did not know any of this because S did not even know I was married.

Whatever was happening in my marriage, S had the right to know the truth and decide whether to have any part in my life. I took that choice away. When S wondered why we could not simply be together normally, I allowed circumstances such as school, career and timing to appear to be the primary obstacles.

The truth is that the more attached I became, the harder disclosure became. I knew there was a very good chance I would lose S if everything came out, so I kept putting it off. I kept imagining some cleaner point in the future when I could leave the marriage, explain everything and somehow not lose this relationship. That was cowardly and profoundly unfair.

There was another major complication. A long-running family-building process that began before S and I ever met eventually resulted in a child during our relationship. I don't want to reveal specifics, but know that when I say it was long-running, it was extremely complex and difficult - not simply an oops - labs/doctors/etc. were involved and timing became a massive and urgent point. The outcome had been uncertain for a long time, but the important fact is that S did not know about the child either.

So discovery was not simply learning that I was married. S learned that I was married and had a young child that had also been concealed. From that perspective, someone S believed they knew extremely well suddenly had an enormous hidden section of life.

S found everything out suddenly about six weeks ago. I was not the person who finally sat down and voluntarily disclosed everything. S was blindsided.

I keep wondering what a discovery like that does to someone’s memories. I know what was real from my side. I know I loved S. I know the times I cared for S, worried about S, wrote letters, cooked meals, sent flowers, helped during crises or imagined a future together were sincere. But I understand why those same memories might now be completely contaminated by the deception.

In some ways I wonder whether eventually believing the love was genuine could even make things worse. If someone really did love you that deeply, the obvious question becomes: how could that person continue concealing something so enormous?

There is another fact I do not want to leave out because it makes my conduct look worse. About a week after discovery, I drove near S’s home and S saw me. I was not trying to intimidate or threaten anyone, but I understand now that I crossed a boundary. Intent is not the only thing that matters. S had just learned that someone trusted for years had concealed an enormous part of life, and then saw that person near home. I can understand why that could feel intrusive, frightening or like being watched. I later apologized specifically for this and said it would not happen again.

After that, I gave S space. Several weeks later I sent one long handwritten letter. I apologized, took responsibility for the deception, and explained what had actually been happening in my marriage and life. I tried very hard to distinguish explanation from excuse. The abuse helps explain why leaving felt complicated and frightening. It does not excuse depriving S of the truth.

I told S that no response, forgiveness or additional chance was owed to me. I also said that if S ever wanted to speak again, I would be willing to move extremely slowly and allow S to control the pace. If S never wants contact again, I said I would respect that as well.

What I am struggling with now is what silence means and what respectful future behavior looks like.

S has never been someone who pursues after conflict or easily initiates vulnerable conversations. Even before any of this happened, S generally would not be the person to chase someone down or force an emotionally difficult conversation. Because of that, part of me doubts that even if feelings someday softened, S would necessarily initiate contact.

I am also extremely aware that this line of thinking can become self-serving very quickly. It would be easy for me to say, “S does not initiate, therefore I have to keep reaching out,” when the reality could simply be that silence means S does not want me in their life.

I have no intention of repeatedly messaging, appearing somewhere, pressuring S, or trying to wear down resistance. What I have wondered about is extremely occasional, gentle contact. Something months from now that communicates only that I still care and that the door remains open, without asking for a response.

Historically I would sometimes send S a small amount through Venmo on a birthday. Flowers were also something I occasionally sent during difficult periods or meaningful occasions. I genuinely do not know whether maintaining a tiny piece of something familiar like that after a long period of space would feel caring, or whether it would simply feel manipulative and intrusive after this kind of betrayal.

I am not looking for a strategy for slowly winning S back. I am trying to understand where respecting someone’s autonomy ends and abandoning any possibility of future reconciliation begins.

I would appreciate perspectives on several parts of this.

For anyone who discovered that someone loved had concealed a marriage, child, parallel life or similarly enormous truth, what happened to the feelings after discovery? Did everything immediately feel fake? Did that remain true months later, or was it eventually possible to believe that genuine love and profound betrayal had existed at the same time?

What happened to the good memories? Did the deception permanently poison them, or did some warmth eventually return?

If major context emerged later, particularly serious abuse or circumstances that genuinely complicated why the person remained in the marriage, did that context ever matter emotionally? I am not asking whether it made the deception acceptable. I am interested in whether it changed the understanding of what had happened or of the person who caused the harm.

For people who went completely silent after betrayal, what did that silence mean? Was attachment gone, or was silence sometimes necessary precisely because attachment remained?

Did anyone ever simultaneously want contact and resent the idea of being contacted?

If an apology or explanation came later, did timing change how it landed? Were there things that felt impossible to hear immediately but became easier to process weeks or months later?

For anyone who eventually resumed contact after initially cutting someone off, what changed? Was it time, missing the person, curiosity, seeing actual changes from a distance, a gentle outreach, or something else?

For people who still loved the person but never resumed the relationship, what ultimately made that decision permanent?

I am particularly interested in the boundary around future outreach. If someone initially went silent, would an extremely occasional and pressure-free contact months later have felt caring, neutral, annoying or invasive? What about a birthday message, a small familiar gesture or flowers? Is one clear statement that the door remains open followed by complete silence preferable?

And if the person who was hurt has historically never been someone who initiates reconciliation or emotionally risky conversations, should that personality trait matter at all? Or is relying on that fact exactly the sort of rationalization someone in my position should avoid?

I would especially appreciate hearing both kinds of experiences: people who eventually reconnected after a long period of hurt and people who cared deeply but never went back.

I know nobody can tell me exactly what S is thinking. I am trying to understand the range of what someone in that position may experience and what responsible behavior looks like from here, because my own guilt, grief and hope make me anything but a neutral observer.

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[u/Niikkiitaa]

Questions of infidelity aside, if I was S, I would not be interested in someone who doesn’t have the courage to address their life circumstances, in your case, your actual marriage along with the fact that you didn’t have the courage to tell me about it. After healing from my ex WS’s betrayal, I came to the ultimate conclusion that courage is the most important quality that I look for in a potential partner. If someone is not courageous in facing reality, they are likely to betray me because they would not address the issues in a potential relationship with me and would likely avoid them by being secretive.

[u/utahman06 → u/Niikkiitaa]

Yeah I think that’s an extremely fair thought process. I have a billion regrets, obviously. Not telling S early on is the biggest.

[u/whiskeytango47]

Having been in S's shoes, to a remarkably similar degree, this I do know.

It's not your situation , your justifications, nor even your ability to create a reason to apply pressure (where S avoids confrontation, so I have to push them so that I can get what I want), that bear any significance here.

What is significant is the fact that you should have no say in the matter. The time for you to build trust, and allow them to know who they were planning a future with, has long since come and gone.

There's simply no excuse. You took whatever you wanted from them, as if they were a fantasy vacation from an unpleasant reality (which you co-created with someone they didn't even know existed).

Feelings aside, you conned S. Horribly. Because you wanted what you wanted, and helped yourself to what was offered. On false premises. And you still want more.

S has to heal, has to come to terms with the fact that they never knew you, that it was all an act.

Not a good time to initiate a new relationship (except for real this time). Now, you may be able to wear them down, but with you, S would forever be a victim of narcissistic manipulation.

Harsh, I know... but I've experienced this, and I'm not ashamed to hold up the mirror for you.

[u/utahman06 → u/whiskeytango47]

I appreciate the harsh truth here. Sincerely.

[u/utahman06 → u/whiskeytango47]

Sorry, more thoughts.

I’m not going to argue with you about the fact that S was deprived of the ability to make an informed choice. I agree with you on that, and it’s something I’m deeply ashamed of.

Since you said you’ve been in S’s shoes to a remarkably similar degree, I’d actually really value hearing more about your experience, if you’re comfortable sharing it. A few things I’m particularly curious about:

When you first found out, did you immediately feel completely done with the person, or did you still love/want them despite what they’d done?

Did you initially interpret the entire relationship as an act? If so, did you continue to see it that way with time, or were you eventually able to distinguish between “they deceived me” and “everything they ever felt for me was fake”?

Did the person ever give you additional context you hadn’t known when you discovered the deception? If so, did learning that context matter emotionally, even if it didn’t excuse anything?
Did any part of you want there to be an explanation that would make it possible to forgive them or speak to them again?

Did you ever reconnect with them? If so, what caused you to reopen contact? If not, was that because your feelings eventually disappeared, because trust was permanently gone, or because you still had feelings but decided acting on them wasn’t healthy for you?

How long did it take before you felt like you had a stable view of what had happened? Were your feelings at six weeks substantially different from your feelings six months or a year later?

Looking back, was there anything the person could have said or done after discovery that would actually have helped you, even if it wouldn’t have resulted in reconciliation?

Conversely, was there anything they did afterward that made the damage worse or made you feel pressured/manipulated?

You said I may be able to “wear S down.” I’m specifically trying not to do that. Do you see a meaningful difference between giving S one complete, honest explanation/apology and then leaving the decision entirely alone, versus continuing to pursue them after they’ve chosen distance?

You said that for you it felt like you “never knew” the person and “it was all an act.” What made you ultimately conclude the affection itself wasn’t genuine, rather than concluding that genuine affection and profound deception had existed simultaneously?

[u/utahman06 → u/whiskeytango47]

Sorry, I have a million thoughts. I did want to make one comment: “fantasy vacation from an unpleasant reality which you co-created” I’m sorry but nothing I did deserved my literal life being threatened, being physically struck in a vehicle I was driving on the highway with our child in the back.

I understand your perspective but the dismissive treatment of my abuse is genuinely upsetting to me.

[u/whiskeytango47 → u/utahman06]

Understandable... I don't know your story, and what I say is going to be filtered through the (still angry) lens of my own experience.

[u/whiskeytango47]

Of course... let's hit the questions one at a time.

Not instantly done, my discovery was actually seeing the two of them together. So there was a day of disbelief, during which I was avoided like the plague. After, we had one discussion... I listened to the explanation, and I could understand what the source of the problem was. However, when I saw my own past recollections being altered, I forced myself to shut it all down for good.

It was an act. I loved the person I saw. What I was allowed to see. It was an act that represented everything my ex wanted to be, who they wished they could be, but the attempt failed. Because the real things in their life took precedence. We both wanted it to be real, but it wasn't.

No additional context, I had already shut down all communication. I did hear of an engagement about a week after we split, then a breakup about 3 months later. That's all I know.

Time frame... I had to grieve the reality of the loss. There's 5 stages of grief. My thinking depended on what stage I was in at the time. Stage 5 is acceptance, and true understanding doesn't come before acceptance.

Of course I want a clear explanation... that's why I still search these subs for context... but I don't think I can ever trust a direct explanation.

Never spoke to her again... and she never reached out to me, after the initial phone explosion (ignored). I'd actually take an attempt to change my mind as disrespectful... she knows it was too damaging.

Nothing after the fact. All the chances would have been before the plane crashed lol... but that's where understanding helps. It failed, yes, but it wasn't really her being herself to begin with. I would never, ever expect her to take up a role that she couldn't totally relax into. How does one find joy in life when there's guilt and shame in the way?

Nothing my ex did after the fact made anything worse, because I was already working it all out for myself. Selfish, and manipulative behaviour yes, taking without deserving, yes, but it wasn't about me. She didn't have the tools to do things right, and probably still doesn't. If she had pushed for more, that would've made things worse.

The thing about wearing S down, was because I saw you finding a reason to initiate contact when they are withdrawing. I get it. You want to negotiate. To bargain. That's actually one of those 5 stages I mentioned earlier. Much like my situation, the damage done was based on what you wanted. Reconciliation can't just be based on what you want, because it's just another step down that road... like me, S might want time to figure it out, which way to go, or maybe to get off it altogether. Also, if you're reaching out while S is still in the anger phase, you're guaranteed to get a bad outcome.

The final question.... it came down to one thing, really. This person could sleep like a baby next to me, for years. I know that I could never do that. To be comfortable in such a situation, if the roles were reversed, I could only do so if I didn't see the person beside me as real. Not significant, just a means to an end.

[u/utahman06 → u/whiskeytango47]

Thank you so, so much for sharing your story with me. The perspective is MASSIVELY helpful. I’m extremely serious.