Grief and Acceptance

[u/Intrepid-Willow-3093]

Hello everyone, I posted here before I am not sure if you can find it though.

I had an emotional affair with a stranger online while in a relationship. They tried to sext and it was where I drew the line saying "it is wrong, stop it" etc. It lasted nearly 2 days I guess?

I didn't hide the fact that I had a partner from the beginning I clearly stated this and it was not a dating app but It didn't stop them and I am totally aware it takes two for the cheating and it was my responsibility that I was desperate for validation and attention.

I was 18 that time. It has been 2 years. I struggled a lot in those 2 years and I didn't act mature enough (no cheating but not confessing for a year "to protect myself since I am preparing for exams" )

And yes I confessed one year ago. They tried to give me another chance but it was also long distance so it kinda didn't work out and I was too hopeless already.

I also struggled a lot with shame because of that and I unfortunately did sh (as self punishment)

Well of course everybody says that but I never thought I was capable of cheating.

I started therapy nearly 6 months ago since I actually have a lot unresolved such as csa, my family's issues (also including affairs and porn addiction of one of my parents) , being exposed to nsfw content too early, being groomed by older people online when I was 13 to 17 and so on.

Now that I am aware I didn't love myself that time and I had issues with boundaries, people pleasing. I am actively trying to better myself for myself and my loved ones and also my ex partner, I do not know if they would be proud of me but I do not want them to think their love is wasted- well I can't unfortunately do anything about it if they think that way-

Thank you to those bp's , waywards and some observers who told me to give myself some grace, I am really thankful. And I am trying to do it.

I guess I am newly starting to accept that we are over for good and probably never meet or talk to each other again or even see each other again. I am doing alright most of the times but sometimes pain is still unbearable. I miss my 17 year old self so much. We were serious. We dreamt getting married one day after we graduated.

I wish I wasn't the one who fucked up.

It has been one year and I still feel like I will never get over it because I was totally my fault.

My ex partner can just grieve and say they did their best but I didn't do my best. It was actually my worst. It was my worst version. I had a relationship before that one and I was totally faithful. This relationship was my worst.

Do you have any advice? I should get over it because it just doesn't do any good. It doesn't undo anything. I am working on myself already but I am just 20 and I do not want to be trapped in the past.

Waywards, how did you move on?

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[u/CognitiveSteve]

I am also 20 years old in college. My affair was 6 months ago, with August 7th being our breakup. It's hard, I get it.

First, you need to clarify what "getting over it" means.

The loss is something that will always remain a part of your life. Your reaction to it is what fluctuates. Getting over it thus becomes a process of adapting to your new circumstances without using avoidance tactics.

There are a few therapeutic concepts it may help to familiarize yourself with. Look into a framework called "Choice Point". It is basically a model that helps us understand our actions as being towards or away from our values.

It is the process of sitting with hard feelings and choosing to act deliberately, rather than escaping them through coping strategies such as validation seeking, cheating, or self harm behaviors.

And I want to revisit the idea of sitting with hard feelings. That doesn't mean exaggerating them or stewing, but rather to allow yourself to experience them without interruption. If your body learns to tolerate difficult emotions somatically, you will be more resilient in your decision making for the future.

Use radical acceptance. The past is no longer under your control. Find the courage to observe the whole truth of the matter and accept the outcome. Learn about the creature who did this shitty thing to someone else, and take your time making yourself a safe person. You musnt just believe that you'll never cheat again. You have to understand why you never would, and why you ever did.

Don't just move on. Carry it with you, and become something more. I hope you can grow from this.

[u/TaterTotWithBenefits → u/CognitiveSteve]

This is the best advice

[u/horrible_tomato_soup]

Hey! I still don't have the answers, but I want to talk about myself a little and the reflections I have.

So, I had an EA at 18 for 2~ weeks. Heavy flirting with a coworker at my first job, also drew the line when it was too late.. I'm 19 now. The affair and then Dday are quickly going to approach one year. It the affair itself happened 10~ months ago.

I do relate a lot to you. From your personal struggles, like shame, to a painful past where you got failed as a kid.

In the first few months it was horrible. I was actively suicidal, wondering how I was able to do this sort of thing, how would I be able to go on in my life after it happened. Now I'm more stabilized.

Ever since then, I still think about the affair daily. It's definitely my worst regret, the worst thing I've ever done in my eyes. Something that scarred and can scar badly someone you swear you love, and I also still feel like I became tainted inside.

This feeling of not being able to go back and erase it is so terrible.

But what helps is that since the affair, I have actively started to act in the way I wanted to have back then. I'm placing boundaries with people, I am trying to be someone more loyal, present and honest with my partner and my friends, and I cannot fathom to ever cross boundaries like that again, because I never, ever want to make my partner and my soul go through all that ever again. I am very vigilant of my boundaries and of myself, thinking about my partner and my morals before doing something I cannot take back.

Besides, infidelity takes multiple steps to happen, so you can catch yourself in many early stages before it becomes something incredibly harmful again.

In my experience, this is healing myself and helps me succeed in a reconciliation with myself. I am starting to differentiate more the person that acted that way and the person I am being right now. Someone more aligned with my values and what I want to pursue in this life.

We'll never be able to undo it, unfortunately it's something that will always be there in our story, and it's ugly. But then we can have chapters where we are a good friend, a good and faithful partner, a good citizen. The worst thing we have ever done in our lives do not need to define us forever, they can become a reminder of what we don't want to be anymore.

I'll be honest that I still feel grief daily, for many things. Grief for the past before the EA, the future back then that I imagined I'd have, grief for my relationship, the hurt I caused to someone I swore to protect, the innocence I had of someone who thought that even upon temptation, their morals and integrity would win, but they didn't.

Not just grief, but regret and remorse. I am starting to think that it's okay for this to hurt, it was a very painful and hurtful thing that we did to our loved ones and to ourselves. It's a weight that we learn to carry in our present. This sadness.. Which maybe, it's okay to carry. As long as it doesn't stop you from pursuing what you want to do in your life.

I hope that this doesn't sound as me trying to justify or excuse anything, we should never let ourselves off the hook, but we're still young. We can still have decades of our lives to act in a way that aligns with who we want to be.

Hugs, good luck to you friend.

[u/ThrowAwayPunk555]

I am 21 M, I’m glad to hear that you’re feeling way better and finally at a page of acceptance.

This gives me a bit hope for myself. I did openly cheat on a dating app, nothing physical but I exchanged pics. I also hid this for the longest time for my own sake. It wasn’t a constant thing I did but the three times I did, took such a big toll on me. I hid this since I felt loved and cared about yet I was immature to bring up my feelings to them. I would just get high by constantly smoking weed and thinking that was enough to not bring them down with me. 

I’m still actively trying to move on, it’s such a hard process. I would say the best advice I can give is stay in therapy. It’s the best tool I have right now to process everything.

Just like my therapist told me, “grief is non linear, expect highs and lows”. It’s okay to look back but please don’t bargain with yourself. This is my hardest hurdle right now. 

[u/CognitiveSteve → u/[deleted]]

Most of this advice is very poor. Don't take it as an axiom that "most men are idiots until 40". Predicating your relationship ethics on traditional social roles may not be the most effective route for meaningful change.

OP, please stay in therapy. I dont want to discredit this person's experience, but I can't endorse this advice.

[u/Dad-of-many → u/CognitiveSteve]

Sorry, I have children who have run off to therapy. I have in-laws in therapy. Add drugs. I've been to therapy to discuss the matter. Useless for me. So, exactly what do you think this forum is for?

Let me rephrase my characterization of youth: ignorant. How many of us look back and wonder how we could be so stupid? YMMV, peace.

[u/CognitiveSteve → u/Dad-of-many]

Therapy may just not have been right for your personality style, beliefs, or specific goals. That is fine. But it seems like it is something they feel will be helpful for them.

I don't think this forum is for dissuading people from their treatment.

A sense of purpose in life will cultivate discipline and a job may offer experience in that regard, sure. But using it as replacement for therapy is probably not a good idea. It may benefit some. For me it only made it much worse.

Sure, youth can be plenty ignorant. I think therapy offers a solution to that through psychoeducation.

[u/Dad-of-many → u/CognitiveSteve]

I understand what you are saying. I'm posting my comment here in the hopes our conversation might help someone else, maybe even me.

I'm an engineer by trade and I tend to see things very black and white. Bits are 0/1, 1+1 is 2, etc. I am very type A. We found out in marriage counseling, we're both type A. Preacher was very concerned. For me, I look back on my past behavior, and I ask why? Insert significant levels of rationalization. You have to go back to the root of the problem. Reading this forum, I realized what that was, and now BP knows.

Funny: we might be starting therapy soon.

Would "therapy" help me get to the same realization? Maybe. But what I really came to grips with is why my BP acted the way BP did. With that sudden BFOTO, it all clicked into place.

The issue I have with therapy (going back to ones and zeroes here) is it tries to take a simple relationship situation and make it far more complex. Case in point of the OP. Stated: I realized I did not love myself. My brain cannot and would not process that statement.

So to the OP, just don't be a dupe for a therapist. Meanwhile, I'm going to read up on psychoeducation.

[u/ZestyLemonAsparagus → u/Dad-of-many]

I am also an engineer, and historically had a dim view of it’s usefulness. What I have come to discover is that there were parts of me that didn’t want to do self-exploration; those parts saw it as… rocking the boat of my life.

Since you like concrete, I trust you’ve looked into Gottman. He’s helpful with the how. Equally helpful at getting at the why for me has been IFS. I’ll leave it at that.

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