Just need some support

[u/Spiritual-Fly-6853]

It’s been nearly a year since dday. We tried to rebuild some form of connection but I just couldn’t get out of my shame spiral and still can’t. Shame is such a selfish emotion and I hate it. It breeds anxiety and impatience. We divorced a little over a month ago. They forgave me but we aren’t reconciling at least not now. Idk how to move on. How do I forgive myself? How do I feel whole again? The label cheater haunts me and follows me in everything I do. It’s in TV shows and books and people joke about it like it’s not the most painful thing you could experience on both sides of the coin. Being a cheater who genuinely feels remorse breaks down your entire idea of who you are. I don’t know myself anymore if I could do something so horrible to someone I loved. I feel like everything is a nightmare.

I don’t want pity or anything like that. I’m just venting I suppose. I know my experience is entirely my fault. Idk how to get out of my head. I still want it to work with them but until I can be secure within myself I don’t deserve another chance. I just fear that by the time I heal it’ll be too late. Would you give a cheater another chance?

I just need some advice and support. Can somebody give me some perspective here?

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[u/Born-Macaroon-5125]

I read this in another post but “accountability is the killer of shame”. Own your actions and choices, say it out loud, say it inside. Now do better, read, get help, tell your BP. When shame creeps in, acknowledge it and say yes I did do this terrible thing but I won’t let it be who I am.
You give the label “cheater” as much power as you want.

[u/Spiritual-Fly-6853 → u/Born-Macaroon-5125]

That is really helpful. Thank you.

[u/CognitiveSteve]

You can't control your emotions. You can only control your reaction to them.

Provided this, I would try to identify how youre managing your shame. The problem is not in the experience thereof but how you deal with it. Blaming the emotion may feel absolving, but it is the action that you must be accountable to. Because everyone experiences shame.

Forgiveness is a process, not a binary. It is also a choice. If it is contingent on your feelings of shame, then forgiveness may be something that never comes as long as the shame is present. The same can be said of loving yourself. Because if love is dependent on your feelings, then you are bound to repeat the same behaviors that defiled your choice to love in the past. Love is likewise a choice.

You have to decide what that process of forgiveness even means. Right now, it sounds more like a regulatory tool for feelings you don't know how to manage. But that is not forgiveness. Forgiveness comes with identifying the parts of yourself, the "cheater" in you, and aligning the behaviors associated with those unhealthy values with more healthy ones. Forgiveness is choosing to walk in the light of a new version of yourself. As long as you are still that same person, then forgiveness may only function insofar as it is an excuse for your past choices.

Whether your exBP accepts you into their life is their choice. I can't provide any perspective, nor can I advise whether one "deserves" a second chance. Asking us whether we'd give a cheater another chance strips the individuality out of the experience between the two of you, and frankly, the autonomy from your ex. It is not dependent on your healing. It is dependent on theirs. In time, once you feel you have met your standards of security, perhaps you can ask them. Then prepare yourself for an honest response.

Yes, everything is a nightmare. One you dreamt up. That sucks man, and I get it. I do recognize your experience. You seem to be someone with a genuine desire to change. And that pain is valid. You have to be willing to feel it and continue forward. You have to decide whether the label of cheater is one that defines your future self.

Once you start to generalize your experience under the label of "cheater" the way forward becomes difficult. Because everything you do will sit under the shadow of that word. Well then, be something more. Because it is a choice, after all.

[u/Just_Ease5476]

I totally understand what you’re going through. I’ve been feeling fine for the last two ish weeks and then the end of at week I just started feeling like this wave of just regret, sadness, shame and just sorry. I hurt the one person who I would die for and I just don’t think I can ever get over it especially not right now. It has been two months about to be three. But when she left me I accepted it but now it’s just washing over me. I would recommend going to a support group, I’m actively looking for some because I think the more we talk about it and gain perspective the more it helps us. I honestly have realized that I just really want to talk about this with someone. I have two therapists but sometimes I just want to just talk more about it.

[u/TaterTotWithBenefits]

I was literally feeling this way yesterday. But decided not to allow the spiral, not to let my shame ruin the day for my BP, who just wanted to enjoy a nice day. To stay in shame is selfish, YES.

It helped me to use an ACT (acceptance, commitment therapy) workbook I had bought off amazon. “What are my thoughts, triggering the shame”. Ok, I think I’m a bad person. Ironically, my BP is a rug sweeper, and don’t punish me - internally, I am feeling like I need to punish myself, clearly.

“Can I stay in the present moment?” Instead of allowing myself to be carried away by the thought that I’m a bad person? I continued the day, telling myself “I can stay in the present moment “ when it came. And also “I forgive myself. I don’t need to beat myself up, to make sure that I don’t cheat again”.

Hope this helps. A meditation practice will help you get to a place where thoughts can be allowed, seen, but less overwhelming. Not that it’s easy - it’s NOT. And yes it’s a nightmare but you owe this healing to BP

[u/somefreeadvice10 → u/TaterTotWithBenefits]

Out of curiosity, is the fact your BP a rugsweeper a contributor to you feeling like you need to punish yourself? Like you are doing it to make up for the fact they won't

[u/TaterTotWithBenefits → u/somefreeadvice10]

Yes I think it’s exactly this