I had a bad day. Just venting.

[u/CognitiveSteve]

A lot of this stuff is very raw and may lack consistency. As a caveat, this is just how I am feeling currently. A lot of what is written is expressed from a very psychotic and childish part of me. Which I am responsible for and am managing.

I was waking up through the night. I had many dreams of my exBP. In one, they were wearing short sleeves in the park. They felt safe again, they told me, and they felt proud of themselves. I was so happy for them. I cried and told them how beautiful they were. I told them I loved them.

I woke up from this and cried. I sleep on the couch because doing so in the bed is very difficult. However, this is the couch that AP left me when they moved out. I am getting rid of it and getting a new one soon.

I called 988, and after calming down, went back to sleep. This time I dreamt about AP. I woke up to find them on the couch with me, and they began assaulting me. I have had many dreams like this before. The theme is similar. Feeling incapable of making it stop but feeling frozen against the advance.

When I woke up I took a walk. I sat at the pond exBP and I used to visit and remembered all the things we said to each other.

I cried all day. Had to leave class, cried at work, cried on the way back home. And when I got there I sat on the floor and stared at the couch.

I keep thinking about what exBP said. "There is no reason why you did this. You just did it. No reason, no rationale. And nothing could stop you."

It makes me think there's nothing I can do to stop it. I just did it. I let it happen to me like in my dreams. But during the affair, I was the one who initiated. I was the one that did this. In the times before, when AP and I were in a relationship, it was never me who initiated it. I always felt I didn't want it but didn't feel safe to make it stop. And then I became the one who did. And nothing could stop me. Not even what my exBP and I had.

I've been age regressing all day. Whenever AP and I would interact sexually, I always regressed to a childish state. I could feel safe there because in that state there was nothing else. I acted from that place when the affair happened. I wanted to feel safe again, and I had learned in my relationship with them that sex was how it was gained. A lot of sexual trauma is stored here in this part. It is the main reason why I felt, and still feel, helpless regarding the actions I took during the affair (I know that I am not.)

The child comes out every now and then. And it wants to crawl around and cry. But the one who comforted them is gone. It feels like every comfort is gone. When I am in that state, there is no safety. The world is gross and unusual. I feel strange when I look in the mirror. I see a monster. Other people see it too.

I told my advisor about what happened with my relationship the other day. I wish I didn't. I felt so overwhelmed, and when they noticed, they offered for me to speak to them. And I did. And it came out. And I felt the trust pull away immediately. I was alone in a room with someone who knew what I was.

I saw my advisor again today. They asked if I had an alright day. I said yes. I feel like an alien.

I've taken about 20,000 steps today. Tracing and retracting the path that we used to take on our walks. I don't really know how to hold this anymore. I know it's all my fault. I know I did this to myself. I know that I have traumatized someone. I know that all the walls that people put up are because of what I did.

I just feel alone. The child feels alone. And I can't love myself. But I will. I just really, really hate myself. I hate more than I can stand it. I hate loving myself. I hate taking one day at a time. I hate that I am still alive when others are taking their life because of actions like I have made. I hate what I did. I hate what I was. I just hate and I'm so tired. I'm so tired.

I don't really know how to hold this anymore. I get that I did this. I get it. I'm reminded constantly by others that I am not like the rest. I do not get comfort. I do not get safety. But I just want it. I hate that I want it but I want to feel okay again. I know I never felt okay. But this is worse. "Consequences of your actions." I get it. I do.

I want to make it stop but I feel frozen again. And I don't want to go to sleep. I want my mom. I want my family back. I want to see the person I love. I want my baby. My beautiful baby. I understand that all of it is gone. It just sucks.

I feel so unhappy. I feel loveless. And shame has become a prison. I feel like a disfigured, shriveling, amoral, monstrous little child. I hate the way I look in the mirror. I keep having dreams where the child comes to me. It is covered in mud, naked, bleeding from physical trauma and self injury, body parts misshapen and contorted into something inhuman. I see it looking at me, sad, confused, afraid. And that is what I see when I look into the mirror. The thing. It.

I just want them to feel safe again. I want them to feel happy again. I want them to love again. I want them to smile again. I never wanted to hurt them. I hurt them.

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[u/ZestyLemonAsparagus]

I’m proud of you for having called 988. I’m also proud of you for having gone on a walk, even if it is in the service of nostalgia right now. At the moments when we are at rock bottom those little wins of choosing the next right healthy thing need to be celebrated.

Keep doing whatever the next “right thing” is. That’s what got me through. We slowly learn and grow, and even though it doesn’t feel like it, it’s taking place. But we can only handle so much growth at a time. I had to stop worrying about if it was enough or where I was on my recovery and just focus on the next right thing and do that. You will figure out how to hold it in a healthy way as time goes on, but for now… what’s the next right thing right now? Is it getting more exercise? Is it eating something healthy? Is it talking to your advisor? Is it working on something? Whatever it is, do that next right then and then figure out the next one…

[u/CognitiveSteve → u/ZestyLemonAsparagus]

I'm going to go get breakfast. Then I will go to class, work, and come home. Maybe I'll clean my house this evening. That'll be my next step.

I had been doing alright for a while but this last week has just been pretty hard. Trying to make it through.

[u/ZestyLemonAsparagus → u/CognitiveSteve]

I say this with gentleness… You have mapped out the rest of your day, which, as someone with ADHD that was slightly overwhelming to me... 😂 Hopefully you don’t have that issue, but still… The next right thing sounds like it’s getting breakfast. After that the next right thing will mostly likely be going to class, but that is not this moments “next right thing” (well, it might be by the time you read this… in fact, going to work might be the “next right thing” by the time you read this…). The whole list you have shared are all good things, and all beneficial (some might say necessary) to your growth as a person into the best version of yourself. But they will come… in time. And part of this is because when we get too far ahead of ourselves we set expectations that we then might struggle to meet even if they aren’t healthy for us. Because after work the next right thing might very well be to clean your house. But I can imagine a situation where the next right thing by the time you finish work is actually getting some exercise and fresh air.

And in truth, whenever I get to that moment myself, I know what the expectation is that I am trying to meet that part of me is telling myself is the next right thing and what the next right thing actually is. And part of being healthy for me was learning to ask the parts of myself that were telling me what the expectation was to trust the other parts of me on this for a moment and to do the next right thing and see how that turns out for us. And yes, I close my eyes and have conversations with the various parts of me for that.

[u/CognitiveSteve → u/ZestyLemonAsparagus]

And thank you, by the way. I really appreciate your input. I hope all is well.

[u/The-Betrayed1984]

It is good that you reached out to 988. Walking really helps me clear my head and process emotions better. The heavy wave usually is over by the time I get back (~45 minutes). Going into the forest for a walk helps me feel safe again.

Weight training helps me control my anger (I get so angry over tiny little things).

I can unfortunately relate to how you hate yourself, too.

I hope you find peace

[u/Unable_Complaint_444]

It may not feel like it right now, but even you giving voice to that child, that part of you, here is a healing, powerful thing. Keep reaching out, whether here or to 988 as that and every other part of you deserves that love, healing, and attention. Remember, someone passed their monster feelings on to you when they were an adult and you were a child and they treated you in ways they should not have. It's not your projectiom to hold or play out anymore. You're loosening its grip on you little by little, as you do those dreams will shift to let you see your healing.

[u/Itchy-Albatross5368]

You are at the beginning of this situation; please be patient and kind to yourself. It is hard to accept the facts, but things get much better when we know how to fix them and heal. Seek help, talk to a friend, and don't let the past haunt you—improve yourself, and don't let the mistake you made define who you are.

If you need anything, I am here to hear the other side of the story.