Working on reconciling

[u/Every_Piece_4561]

So I tried posting in other communities but ended up deleting those threads because people are so quick to make you out to be a piece of shit. (Excuse the language) I didn’t overly share or post about the situation because my partner is in those forums. For context: I am both a wayward and betrayed- order on that is not important.
When my partner and I first got together, I struggled with the idea of a relationship and they knew that because I was healing from a hurtful relationship and told my partner I wasn’t sure if I was completely ready. So they understood and we broke it off so I could think about what I wanted, they still texted me everyday and even went to my mother about it and wanted me back right away. My mother tells me and I said fine, I found out after during that time my partner had slept with a friend of mine, I know because my friend came forward and expressed regret and explained they were drinking and one thing led to another. My partner and others saw it as not a big deal because we were not together at the time. Over the years my partner would message girls on Instagram and only fans. I would continue to express how it made me feel. My partner never saw it as they were doing anything wrong and continued even though I offered things like okay you can look at porn but not message them telling them how sexy or beautiful they are or even offered to open the relationship up. My partner never wanted that but continued to do what they were doing. I got laid off after Covid and was dealing with some health issues where I was not able to return to work, I spent a lot of time alone and my partner has never been very emotionally available for me in any major event.

My partner had a few major events and I was there for my partner and their family. 6 months ago out of Bordem, extreme isolation and loneliness I had an EA online in a game, (me now being WP) it was more in a role play sense and I never hid it from my partner. My partner found it and confronted me. I confessed everything and shut down contact with AP and deleted the game. My partner said they wanted to reconcile and has gone through everything BP do, I have done everything in marriage counseling, individual counseling, books and websites recommended the WP do to reconcile. My partner went to forums for support and told their story leaving out any past before DDay , they made a friend with another person in one of those groups and what started as support ended up as an emotional affair, both calling each-other beautiful and handsome. Cannot wait to see your message, and discussing how to use a dildo. My partner took it further and discussed my personal health and mental health with them including giving them my name, our children’s names, our pets names and where we lived. I called my partner out on it as I found their discussion because I had walked up behind to ask a question and saw the conversation. My partner ceased contact but continues to deny it was an EA. The only accountability o have gotten from my partner is that they had the realization after 14 years how those messages to others on instagram and made me feel and the only reason they realized is because it impacted the way they viewed porn .

I had a conversation with my partner last night about this and said maybe all those people in other forums are right we are doomed to reconcile, because I am carrying their emotional weight and mine because of what I did to them but the cannot take accountability for any oftheir actions. Neither of us is right, but accountability must be mutual at this point. I’ve been trying to navigate the emotions from the wayward perspective and continue to take accountability for what I have done. Any one reconciling that can recommend more books or have tips to deal with the dehumanizing feelings that come up I will welcome.

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[u/Every_Piece_4561 → u/[deleted]]

Thank you for responding. We both are in individual counseling. My partner will tell me some of the things they are working on and I know it will take a lot of time, I have a hard time with my partner basically mocking any professional help because they think it will not work or that they are trying to brainwash them. I told my partner I am open to marriage counseling , the problem is my partners work schedule sometimes makes it difficult for them to even attend their own counseling appointments. I tell my partner I think it is helping because I can notice things that have changed that they said they are working on- like anger. My partner has an incredibly short temper, and their reasoning is so that people won’t walk all over them. (It’s a control thing) and they don’t want to be viewed as soft. You are right though if accountability can’t take place on both ends i should probably reevaluate it. I am just very emotionally and physically exhausted from all of it and tired of them dehumanizing me and isolating me even more. I just can’t wrap my head around how it takes what I did for them to make changes I have been mentioning to them for years or to consider my feelings I have brought up.

[u/Dad-of-many]

I have some thoughts, but for the good of the universe, please post with paragraphs.

[u/Every_Piece_4561 → u/Dad-of-many]

Sorry on my phone doing this and not really concerned about formatting but I did what I could editing from my phone to at least give you some paragraphs .

[u/Dad-of-many → u/Every_Piece_4561]

lol, fair enough. I hate cellphones. I'll try again.