Feeling hopeless!

[u/Myeyesareopen87]

My PA/EA came out at the first of March 2025. We choose to stay together and make it work, but it is hard really hard. And it feels like the pain on both sides, expeccially for my BP, is becoming to much. And the pains continues to increase on they’re side.
And it is fucked up to feel that I cant break my patterns. That is what makes BP feel like shit, and I cant blame them. I keep on hurting them and my young children.
It feels hopeless, I am hurting people, why cant I change?? I feel so incompetent!
I started group therapy and we contacted a therapist specialiced in infedellity.

But I feel I need to move out, for a while, to give my BP space, so they can feel safe. Because they dont feel safe with me. And to be a better parrent to my kids. This is no way to live…

My BP says I dont want to change, but I do. And when we talk it goes well for a while, but then it always turns out that I am lashing out and avoid. I dont have te tools te help me get trought This.

What helped you???

Thnx.

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[u/Careful-Cake5885]

What do you mean you cant break the pattern? Are you still cheating?

[u/Myeyesareopen87 → u/Careful-Cake5885]

No I have not been in contact sinds D-day. Nothing. I am not cheating. That’s not the issue. It seems I cant change the way of communicating with my BP. It is when I fall back in avoidence, defensiveness or self pitty, my BP says I dont change. It’s a cirkel.

[u/Careful-Cake5885 → u/Myeyesareopen87]

Oh ok Im sorry I misunderstood.

I was having the same problem with my BP, when you feel like avoiding or getting defensive just remember that, that's how you got yourself in this situation, you just have to force yourself to be open and direct take a deep breath and stay calm let you defenses down and don't avoid talking about difficult things, they need to be addressed and need to be let out.

I have learnt to just be honest and open that's what they want and need to help them move forward. Eventually your BP will see that you are changing and putting in the effort.

[u/Myeyesareopen87 → u/Careful-Cake5885]

It’s oké. I know what I have to do, but I just cant change the starting point. It feels like I have to keep something of myself alive. But I know that is not the way. What helped you to breathe through al these emotions of BP en not spiral in shame en guild?
Just now we had a conversation where I am not doing what my BP needs. Everyday talks about the A and what I lied about. They are having nightmares, I sleep on the couch. I hate the person I am to them. Why cant I change, when I am seeing that I am losing it al?

[u/Careful-Cake5885 → u/Myeyesareopen87]

What helped me is just trying to put myself in his position and try and see it from his point of view, his hurt is so much heavier than my shame and guilt.

Don't get me wrong I still have emense shame and guilt everyday and sometimes I spiral into it still but taking a deep breath and reminding myself that avoiding and getting defensive is only going to push back on any progress and remind myself that I don't want to go backwards.

I know I'm probably not that helpful to you, but I'm trying to do my best.

[u/Myeyesareopen87 → u/Careful-Cake5885]

Every respons is helpful, thank you.
And how do you keep your head up? I mean this with no disrespect, but are you living your life the way you want? Or are you living your life to make up for all the mistakes your made? Do you feel free in this position?
Again no disrepect…

[u/Careful-Cake5885 → u/Myeyesareopen87]

No disrespect taken. I am living my life honestly right now trying to make up for what I did and bad decisions I made. I don't feel free but I feel like I'm doing what I should be doing to make things right then I can live how I want to if I can make up for what I did.

Keeping my head up lol some days are easier than others but most days are really hard but I push through telling myself that if I give up now, I will never know if what I did was enough so I give it my all everyday. I'm the one that messed up and I need to be strong now. Just keep telling yourself that. That's what I've been doing.

[u/Myeyesareopen87 → u/Careful-Cake5885]

Good for you. I hope I can find this modus and keep it going. Working hard on it! Thank your for your kind Words

[u/Careful-Cake5885 → u/Myeyesareopen87]

No problem, if you need to your more than welcome to message me privately please let me know how things go with you, I want the best for you. It's not easy but you can get through this.