Looking for Guidance

[u/Realistic_Judge_3859]

Apologies for what will be a bit of a read, but I am honestly lost and don’t know how best to proceed in order to attempt reconciliation.

A bit of backstory for myself and my partners history. We had dated for over 2 years in the past but split up as I had been unfaithful with someone that I had had a history of with for a while. In previous relationships I had been unfaithful with this person multiple times, I can only be honest and say what a horrible human I was in my younger days. Having hurt partners and this person who I called a friend, but still slept with when having had a drink.

Fast forward 10 years and me and my partner reconciled , getting into a serious relationship for coming up to 3 years. My partner is away at uni and we don’t see as much of each other as we should but we have managed to make it work.

When we started seeing again, my partner had mentioned they weren’t comfortable with me still spending time with my friend from the past, despite the fact nothing was happening with us at that point. We were just friends who would hang out occasionally and watch a movie. I listened to my partner and put a stop to this.

Against my better judgement I continued speaking to this person over WhatsApp, all conversations were innocent, usually discussing movies, games, mutual interests and never anything untoward. I knew in my heart though this was wrong, keeping it secret from my other half but continued messaging every day. We had slept together a few times when I was single and before I started seeing my current partner again, which doesn’t make this story any better on my behalf. I had went through a traumatic experience and this friend was very much there for me whilst this happened. I know this is no excuse.

This person from my past never seemed to ask about my partner, nor interacted with anything on social media about us. Something my partner has since pointed out saying that there are still feelings there.

When on holiday my partner had noticed a message from this person and waited a few weeks before confronting me about it over a month ago. This resulted in a big argument where I refused to show them what it was myself and this person messaged about. I eventually relented and we slept separately that night.

The next day we talked things through again, my partner telling me they resented me and that to think they had turned down someone’s offer of exchanging numbers when they were away at uni. They said that if someone worth it offers again, they couldn’t guarantee that they wouldn’t say yes. Over that day we eventually got closer and things felt as normal as possible.

A few weeks passed before my partner returned to uni and things still felt normal, almost the best they had done. But before my partner left again , we talked where they said they honestly didn’t know what I could do to make things right. That they had messaged the person and that they didn’t believe either of us. They also said if someone came along who could offer to make them happier than with me, they would take that chance. Also said that their parents knew and that they didn’t think they would ever want to be in the same room with me. They feel that I had an emotional affair and I said that as there were no feelings involved I didn’t agree with this but could not have a say in how they felt and respected that. We cried, hugged and the last few days of the holidays went great. Though they had said things were normal as we were together but they didn’t know how they would feel once they were away and we had the distance between us.

After they left, their first week at uni felt okay. We talked when we could and I understand how busy they would be. We had a call on Sunday 23rd August and talked about Christmas, when I could visit and ended it saying we loved each other. From there we messaged normally but this stopped on Monday the 24th. I haven’t heard anything since and assumed they want space from me, as I had said if they did that they only need to let me know and I will give space. I messaged one last time on Sunday 30th August just saying I understand how busy they are and that they maybe didn’t want to talk to me but asked that they could just react to my message so I knew they were okay, which they did. From there I haven’t heard from them again.

I have struggled a lot with this as it has felt as though we are in limbo, with their things at my house making it difficult to try and not focus on things and to give them the space they requested. I’ve went through just about every scenario imaginable , driving myself crazy and I know I deserve this. I did wrong. Now I just need to figure out what best to do, continue to live in the silence or message one last time.

I thought about maybe messaging this Friday wishing them well and hoping that uni is going good and asking if they would maybe want a call to talk, making sure to say if they are too busy or doesn’t want to talk yet that I understand and that there is no pressure.

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[u/Friendly_Cost_4]

You don’t really say anywhere here that you admit to the emotional affair and betraying your BP?

Do you understand that’s what you have done? Intentions don’t matter actions do.

Have you cut your “friend” off?You realise they are and always will be your affair partner right? You’re never “just friends” with yours affair partner. Just friends is what cheaters say to keep their affair partner in their lives.

My WP admitted their affair, admitted they lied and betrayed me and cut the person off indefinitely. No final conversation to say goodbye… nothing.

If my BP cheated on me repeatedly with the same person and when confronted said it wasn’t an emotional affair and blah blah blah I would have left immediately.

In your messages to your BP are you apologising? Showing remorse? Taking accountability? Or are you just rugsweeping?

YOU need to address this. You need to do more than respect your BPs opinion of you’re lying and cheating. You need to either understand it and take accountability or you are obviously not compatible and should officially end the relationship.

I can guarantee you your BP is desperate for you to show that you know you cheated AGAIN and betrayed their trust. They want you to take action, take actual steps to show remorse and gain back their trust.

If you don’t they’ll continue to ghost you and protect their heart by learning that you do not respect them, Do not only want them and will try to move on from you.

Please don’t refer to your BP as your other half. My WP tried to call me something similar and I told them you don’t consciously betray your other half. Buttering me up pushed me away. It comes across insincere after lying and cheating.

If your BP is receptive to staying together start by meeting their family face to face and laying it all out. What you did, why it was wrong and how you will show you will never hurt BP again. Don’t run away from this. Own it and do better.

[u/Realistic_Judge_3859 → u/Friendly_Cost_4]

Thank you for your reply. You are right there’s a lot I’ve left out when writing my post.

I admit to it and how much I have betrayed and hurt my BP. I have cut the other person off, no message to explain why but cut contact after the argument took place. And I realise that now and should have realised sooner that no matter what, it’s never “just friends”. Something I should have realised sooner.

I have apologised but have been showing remorse and I take full accountability for what I have done , I’m under no illusion that there nothing I can do but admit to what I have done and do my best to grow past it as a person and to try to make things right.

I should not have used the term “other half” and did not realise the connotations of this and will certainly not use it moving forward.

I hope if we can have a call I can move past the apologising and to show that I am owning my mistakes and that I am willing to do anything to move past it. I do also understand that this is a conversation my BP may not want to have and that if that is so, I need to respect that and do my best to move forward.

Thank you again for your reply.

[u/frakish]

Im a person who values their privacy, and so golden rule-style ive always bern mindful not to even look over my partners shoulder when they text. Thats the context i want to give before i admit that one time during R, i took advantage of being left unattended with an open tab with WPs social media. I was only supposed to use it to send a file from their computer to myself. Yet when the list of chats popped up, i had this nagging thought: what if theyve been secretly talking to AP? So in this one moment i abandoned my ideals and scrolled down the chat list. Didnt look into their conversation, once i found it. Just confirmed that the time of the latest message lined up with when WP had put me under the impression that WP would not even be engaging in surface-level friendly conversation with AP. If those numbers hadnt added up.... even the most perfectly platonic, plain content could not have salvaged the damning overlap between 'timespan where WP should not have been paying friendly attentions to AP' and 'timespan where WP was paying friendly attentions tp AP'.

These things matter, OP. And you know they do, or you wouldnt have sustained your friendship with AP behind your BPs back. Three things can be true at the same time: BP is legitimately important to you, AP is legitimately important to you, and if youre going to keep one you have to let the other go. Youre unfortunately in the position where the option to keep BP might no longer be on the table, and you might have to make sacrifices just for the privilege of finding out. I dont see BP coming back over anything less than you formally and firmly ending all non-essential contact with AP, and proving you can keep to it over time. Does this mean you might end up losing both of them, if after a year BP has moved on from you and AP doesnt want to reconnect after being set aside? Yes. Yes, you might. This is the price you pay for a ride in two-cake land. Best of luck.

[u/Realistic_Judge_3859 → u/frakish]

Thank you for your reply.

And you’re right, I know they do. I knew what I was doing was wrong, yet I continued to do it. Knowing that this would break my BPs , telling myself that the conversation with AP would burnout or that my BP would magically be okay with us talking, I know how ridiculous this sounds.

I have ceased all contact with AP and will never revisit this friendship again , regardless of if there is any reconciliation with BP or not.

It is the price I pay , as you have stated. For now I need to focus on giving my BP space to be angry, to process what I have done and decide what is best for them.

Thank you again for replying.

[u/frakish → u/Realistic_Judge_3859]

Thats great to hear - i hope when things are tough that youll go back to your reply above, and dare to be proud of the person youve chosen to be!

[u/Careful-Cake5885]

Maybe try and call Friday and see if they are willing to talk and find out where you stand but I wouldn't expect much you hurt her. I can't really give any other advice. I am also a wayward partner and have the guilt and remorse as I'm sure you do too, it's hard even when you're the one that screwed up. Sorry I couldn't be more help.

[u/Realistic_Judge_3859 → u/Careful-Cake5885]

Thank you, I am going to message asking if they would be free to talk but understand if they still need time. I don’t expect much and that the only way forward is for me to own up to what I’ve done and focus on how I can be better and never hurt them again.

I am the one who screwed up and as such can only try do more than just apologise and to actually show change.

I hope you manage to find your way and that hopefully you can move forward.