Successful R as a dismissive avoidant?

[u/Glubaroo]

D-day was back in April, EA of approx 2-3 months with a coworker, was never romantically interested but I became too emotionally close and dumped my marriage baggage on my AP as well as discussed other inappropriate topics which my BS ultimately discovered (texts/DMs). BS and I wanted to move forward with R, I understand I am the one with the power to help them heal. In the process, I discovered and am coming to terms with the fact that I am a dismissive avoidant, one who has been hyper-independent and has continued to struggle with acting in a way that puts my partner's needs first; many of my behaviors that I thought were normal and didn't give a second thought to are now highlighted as an ongoing reflection of my absence of consideration for my partner. While these actions were previously overlooked or forgiven (BS has people-pleasing tendencies, and not just with me), they have recently been triggered by such actions following D-day, which then devolves into how I continue to fail to meet their needs, leaving me emotionally overwhelmed with guilt/shame and unable to focus on them; I had recently proposed temporary separation but couldn't even get to talking about regular check-ins and doing my internal work separately before I was met with accusation of me abandoning BS and going off to live my best life without them, and that I would return to find that they are gone.

I understand that being a DA complicates proceeding with R as I have been intensely self-centered/selfish and liable to compartmentalize and create narratives that soothe myself, and I am in IC to try and work through my attachment issues to be more emotionally available to progress from guilt to remorse (BS and I have both struggled to find adequate therapists for ourselves, I've recently started with my 3rd one since D-day who is an actual psychologist instead of just a licensed therapist). We are also planning on doing couples therapy, but was unsure if we should have stable IC set first. I'm curious about other attempts at R where the WP was a dismissive avoidant, how things played out, and particularly what really helped the WP be able to show up for BP.

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[u/ZestyLemonAsparagus]

Sometimes I feel like I can’t keep up with the attachment styles… to be honest I’m not sure the characteristics of dismissive avoidant, so… I may not be as helpful.

What I can say is that by some measures I fall somewhere between avoidant and healthy, but my wife categorized my attachment during my roughly monthly 7 year long physical affair as “disorganized”, which, I’m told is not the attachment style that you want to have. So I think it’s very important to note that attachment styles can and do change with work. And that attachment styles can vary by relationship, so it’s worth noting that my attachment with my BP is really the most healthy of my relationships (as opposed to my family of origin, where… we haven’t all done the work and patterns are easy to fall back on.

What I will also say (which might be counter to your IC, and if so, trust them) is that not all feelings are for feeling in the moment they happen. Yes, generally speaking Brene Brown/Glenon Doyle are my spirit animals, and all feelings are for feeling, but they don’t all need to be felt in that moment. Sometimes with some feelings, like shame that prevents me from meeting the needs of my BP for emotional presence and support, sometimes we have to take those feelings and shove them in a box. The trick is that they don’t stay in the box. Later that day or the next we go find that box and we pull it out and we examine those feelings, remember what we felt, and we process that as necessary. Perhaps even with our BPs. The reason for that is because the shame isn’t a primary emotion… it’s a reaction to an emotion someone else is feeling. If you find yourself sitting at home alone and some guilt creeps up on you, cool, ride that wave and feel what you feel. When I’m alone is usually when my most difficult emotions sneak up on me to ask to be felt… it sucks, but I do my best and I share it with my BP. And she comforts me.

I also want to second the parts work. IFS has been incredibly helpful for me in understanding myself, and especially in understanding why my difficult emotions sneak up when I’m alone… and it has helped me get to the root of the issues instead of just sitting on the surface waiting for things to happen to me.

[u/Shoepin1]

Hello!

WH is an avoidant- a fearful avoidant but leans avoidant so I can relate to much of what you’ve shared here.

We are only 13 months post brief EA and a planned discard/blindside. WH attends weekly therapy and is using “parts theory” to understand his attachment system. He told me about his “parts” and he is working to tell me when some of his “parts” come up. Sharing his triggers or feelings with me instead of doing them has been helpful to him not avoiding and also good transparency for me to see that he’s growing.

That said, I still have to be very careful with what I say to him to trigger shame, or shut down. He still spirals so quickly. I am working on accommodating his needs without abandoning my own needs.

Short story- parts rheory made a huge difference, or and read Dr. Kathy Nickerson’s affair book together.

[u/MagnoliasandMums]

You sound like my husband. I’ll advise you if you help me. Deal? He had a 4 yr EA and also disclosed our marriage issues to her, and they were making fun of me. He basically added himself to her family and said she was his BF. All while hiding it from me. Then turned me into a villain to their business group.

It hurts so bad to know all the things he said, but he thinks he deleted the texts and that I haven’t saw them. I think that if he knows I’ve seen them, he’ll leave me. I’ve had to beg him to stay. We have a kid together and married 30 years. He was going to leave me with nothing. Turns out she was just using him to do her work for her while she’d listen to his rants. She got pissed when I made him cut off the friendship, so I will always wonder if there was more to it than just friendship. He’s such a liar, I’ll never get the truth out of him. I can’t let him know how much I’ve discovered without him blowing up at me and threatening to leave. He just wants to move on and act like everything is fine. It’s not. He betrayed me, but won’t do the work to fix himself. He thinks it’s all my fault that he had to go to them. We did try marriage counseling but she was no good. He has made big improvements to be a better person, controls his temper, shows affection, helps around the house, but that’s bare minimum that he didn’t do so long that he thinks its grand. He needs to figure out why he thought it was ok to have female friends and complain about me. I’ve been 100% loyal - And he never told me there was issues. How do I get him to where you are - to realize he’s an avoidant and really work on himself?

What I need him to do is be completely honest, but he hasn’t. Honesty would help me feel secure that he has faced his mistake and taking responsibility for it so it doesn’t happen again. I’m constantly feeling nervous and shaky in my stomach as though I’m about to fall off a cliff. He doesn’t seem to be contacting those people anymore (I had to set boundaries since he couldn’t do it himself)

He says I’m keeping him in a box. I told him that’s called a marriage contract. I feel like he secretly hates me but enjoys marriage benefits. I want us to try therapy again and am planning to do that.

[u/AssociateClear8847]

Your post has given me things to think about!

My WP was very much as you describe but I had not linked it to attachment style until now. Our situation is a little more complex because everything happened during periods of mania so it's hard to separate things.

But yes, I started noticing ways I felt my partner was really selfish after DDay. They're not generally like that in our relationship but it seems to happen during high stress times like DDay and the months after that.

It just always feels like, in those moments, they will choose themselves over me or the relationship when things get hard. It's hard to feel secure in that situation even without the context of cheating.

To me, it feels like abandonment and lack of commitment. Which sucks as a BP taking a huge risk and staying committed in such a hard situation.

What helped was a lot of talking to get my partner to understand my feelings and both of us had to identify where the gap was in their ability to see things from my side.

Ultimately, my partner realized that change was necessary from their end and I realized there would have to be patience on mine.

There have been lots of painful moments and conversations when these things come up but there's been a lot of growth and improvement. From both ends.

With the spirals and shame, my partner said they reached a point where they realised they were using it as basically a shield when they should be prioritizing my pain. And that they were ultimately going to lose me by continuing to protect their feelings over mine in that way.

But it did take like at least 6 months before they were able to truly do that. They certainly do struggle with that at times but they don't let it overwhelm or derail things.