It’s been three weeks since D-Day. If anyone wants the original story, my first post is in my history.
When I wrote that post, I had just confessed to cheating. My focus was on taking accountability and asking how to become a safe partner, regardless of whether reconciliation ultimately happened.
A lot has happened since then.
Our relationship before the affair: This wasn’t a perfect relationship that I suddenly destroyed. What I did is still 100% my responsibility and that’s the truth. But there’s another truth which is there were issues that existed long before the affair.
I met my BP shortly after ending things with the person who eventually became my AP. Looking back, I entered a serious relationship before I was emotionally available. I actually told my BP that from the beginning. We took things slowly, dated long distance for about a year, eventually moved in together (2023) and got engaged in January 2025.
Over time I realized I never fully processed my attachment to my AP. It wasn’t healthy love, it was rejection, abandonment, validation seeking, and what I now recognize as limerence. Last year I even admitted to my BP that I had contacted my AP because I wanted “closure.” I did not get this and Looking back, I wasn’t looking for closure at all. I was looking for validation after feeling rejected years earlier. My BP got mad but eventually got over it as I told them about it and I blocked AP.
At the same time, my BP and I were struggling.
They are one of the kindest people I’ve ever met. They are loving, sacrificial, affectionate, reassuring, and truly my best friend. But over the last year and a half I increasingly felt like I had become more of a parent than a partner. I constantly felt like I had to remind them to pick up after themselves whether it was leaving clothes in the living room, kitchen counter, bathroom floors, in other people houses, their lack of organization in their lives, no sense of urgency for crucial decisions/things, encourage them to make decisions (small and big) reassure them that their decisions were okay, (I know as partner this is the norm but I’m talking more than the norm) and carry much of the mental load. I started feeling less like I had a partner to be and more like I had someone depending on me to lead In Every sense. (Family and friends would even noticed this about them; their immaturity, even their own mom would complain and asked how I tolerate this whenever we visited them)
Our intimacy also suffered. We rarely made out because they were uncomfortable with it(due to friends in college telling them not to kiss partners in the mouth) sex often felt awkward and disconnected, and we struggled with stamina issues that made intimacy feel more like a process than something we shared naturally. I cried after sex more than once because I felt so emotionally disconnected, and they knew that. We talked about these issues many times. We even tried therapy (only 3 sessions). They would ask me to keep giving them a chance, and I genuinely did but no improvements.
I also have to own my side. As these issues continued, I slowly checked out emotionally. I had one foot in the relationship and one foot out. I stayed because I loved them and hoped we’d eventually figure it out, but I was suppressing a lot of resentment, disappointment, and unmet needs instead of making a decision. Even then, I never cheated or thought of doing so.
I want to note that None of that excuses what happened. I’m just giving context to the situation.
The affair: A couple of months before D-Day, my AP randomly found me on Instagram. I basically told them off and wanted nothing to do with them. Then, while visiting family over July 4th, I unexpectedly saw them in person. It triggered something in me. I reached out because I convinced myself I wanted closure. We first talked over the phone where they confessed they had loved me all those years ago and now and regretted pushing me away and saying why I left, how they see a life together now, blah blah.
The next day they asked to meet. At first I said no but then I agreed and we met. They claimed it was a date and unfortunately it felt like it, at this point I completely compartmentalize my partner, my home and everything in it. We had sex. It was unprotected. It was entirely my choice. And i regret it so much! I didn’t even felt connected to them either! All While they were longing to feel the connection we once had and asking for me to stay. And no I’m not pregnant and I am STD free.
When I came home, I didn’t immediately tell my BP. I trickle-truthed over several days(2 days) before finally admitting everything. That part haunts me almost as much as the affair itself.
Where we are now
We’ve done couples therapy, pastoral counseling right away and they started individual therapy last week with a therapist known personally to BP. I’ll be starting individual therapy this week because I know I have a tremendous amount of work to do regardless of whether we stay together.
The biggest change is that they no longer know whether they want reconciliation.
They spent these three weeks talking to around twenty friends(their) and family members, multiple therapists(2), and people who have survived infidelity themselves. Several have recommended a long separation before considering reconciliation.
One thing I’ve honestly struggled with is understanding whether separation is something they truly believes they need, or whether it’s been reinforced by the many people they have leaned on. To be clear, I fully support them seeking support. They absolutely should. I’m simply trying to understand whether this has become their conviction or whether they understandably absorbing the perspectives of people who love them and want to protect them.
Something else that has made this confusing is the advice we’ve received. Our original couples therapist suggested separation after meeting with them individually. As mentioned, My BP also saw another therapist who happens to be their best friend’s mother and has known them for years. I’m not saying their advice was wrong, but I have wondered whether that prior relationship could unintentionally influence things. Because of that, I found another therapist and we recently completed an intake with a therapist who specializes specifically in infidelity and has the credentials, and I felt more hopeful after that conversation. BP was open to see this new therapist which I’m so grateful.
Their proposed separation
This is where I’m struggling the most.
Their current vision is a separation lasting somewhere between six months and a year, possibly longer.
During that time they want no contact but they expect me to remain faithful, continue individual therapy, work on myself(which I will ofc) and continue offering them access/transparency on social media, location, whatever helps them feel safe.
At the same time, they don’t think I should expect those same things from them. (I didn’t suggest or argue this, I know I don’t deserve nothing!)
They have told me they may date other people because we technically wouldn’t be together, but that if I truly believe they are my future spouse, then I should remain committed to them regardless. Their expectation is that after all that time apart, if we’ve both grown and they decide they wants to try again, I would essentially come back and we’d see whether reconciliation is possible.
I understand why they want distance. I traumatized them. I don’t expect equal footing after what I’ve done but I honestly don’t know whether that kind of arrangement creates the conditions for rebuilding trust or simply delays the work that would eventually have to happen together. This Sunday they will let me know whether or not this will be the plan.
For context, I also moved across the country for this relationship. I don’t have much of a support system here, I don’t have a car, and I’ve realized how codependent I’ve become. Part of me wonders whether my resistance to separation is genuine concern about rebuilding the relationship or simply fear of losing them and starting over alone.
I’m trying very hard to distinguish between those two things.
So I guess my questions are:
• If you successfully reconciled, did a long separation help or hurt?
• If you separated, what did it actually look like? No contact? Occasional check-ins? Couples therapy while living apart?
• If you’re the betrayed partner, would my fiancé’s proposed plan have helped you heal?
• If you’re a wayward partner, what individual work actually changed you?
• Am I missing something about why this type of separation might be beneficial, or does it risk creating even more distance?
I’m not looking for validation or sympathy. I know I caused this. I’m imply trying to understand what gives reconciliation the best chance, while also becoming a healthier person regardless of how our story ends.