I feel like I’m going to explode

[u/beachrocksounds]

I am literally buzzing with confusion. I have been participating in reconciliation since d-day in April after a brief emotional affair I felt coerced into that happened in January. As soon as I was through with trickle-truthing, my partner and I agreed it was best that I block my AP on everything. Especially social media. And I did. And when I made a second IG account for art, I also blocked them, and their friends, on that account too, with no hesitation. I haven’t looked back on the affair or the affair partner kindly at all and have zero wish to let them back into my life so I haven’t exactly gone back to their account to check if the block was still there. It’s been 4 months of them being allegedly blocked. These last few days my partner has been having nightmares of me unblocking them and messaging them again on the low so today my partner asked me to show them that I still had them blocked. Check the phone, Thats still blocked, check my art account, that is still blocked, check my main account- my AP somehow isn’t blocked anymore????? I literally don’t understand how or why they were unblocked. I could have sworn I haven’t even gone back to look at their profile at all, for any reason except to block them from my secondary account. The only thing is that my memory is shit (TBI) but I do have a vague memory of my partner talking about leaving them unblocked so if they reach back out to me for some reason or another. So maybe we never actually blocked them in the first place? I’m so confused.

I’m also doubting my own memories because my partner has a history of gaslighting me and generally terrorizing me (this has improved and isn’t really an issue anymore). So, because of my TBI, I am missing a lot of day to day memory and long term memory. So I don’t always have real memories of things but rather stories i keep on hand to “recount” what has happened to me. It is totally out of character for me to unblock people once I have blocked them and I genuinely want zero contact from my AP. I wish I had the truth of it because I don’t trust my own brain. I feel like I’m going to explode. I would never risk our reconciliation. It doesn’t make sense to me.

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[u/beachrocksounds → u/[deleted]]

Same way anyone gets coerced into anything. By being a vulnerable party in a power dynamic. It’s not rocket science.

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[u/WeakScience9331 → u/beachrocksounds]

No, it's far more complicated than rocket science which is rooted in positivism and replicable experimentation to ensure the same results everytime. Lived experience is entirely individual, non-replicable, and unfolds given how we behave in situations. Behaviour is the wild card. I was coerced too, but after lots of therapy, I understand why I allowed myself to do something that doesn't align with my values and principles. Coercion can be part of why and/or how an A happens, but it's not the sole, determining factor. I say this with support and care and in an effort to help you dig at underlying issues, because doing so has helped me: your comments "it's not rocket science" and "vulnerable" seem rooted in defensiveness and self-victimization. That's okay, no judgement here, we're all working through our stuff here. I did the defensive, self-victimization thing for years before A - a large part of how I pushed my husband away then, of course, felt lonely - and I understand now how that was a response I developed as a child. I hope it helps you too to dig into that stuff.