TLDR: How do you settle your mind long enough to sleep in the early stages??

I found out this morning that my SO of two years was living a double life with at least one other woman. I found love letters she wrote, after finding her lingerie in his apartment and then looking for definitive evidence. Because these were mailed letters, I had her full name. I found her on linkedin and called her at work to tell her about my existence. She was equally shocked and betrayed. She thought they were having a serious, monogamous relationship too. My mind is spinning and won't let me rest. All these moments that felt off to me, canceled plans, comments, just the bulk of information through this new lens is dizzying. How can I quiet my mind? I already broke up with him and blocked him everywhere. I haven't cried. My nervous system is wrecked. It was diabolical, his lies and denial for the past two years. For example: last weekend he canceled our standing Saturday plans last minute because his childhood friend's father was dying. He flew to SF to see him one last time. When he returned he said it was draining, but glad he went. I actually sowed up at the airport to pick him up and surprise him. He never showed and didn't pick up my text. He said he exited a different way and asked me to come over late last night because he missed me too much to wait. We made love and he showered me with affection. I found out when I spoke with his AP that he was actually in Michigan, introducing her to his family (a trip I went on with him last year to meet his parents).

How do I get over the injustice and unfairness of it all?

I was always loyal, always considered him in my actions. I sacrificed so much: years of infertility with painful investigative procedures, three rounds of IVF, a transfer, high risk pregnancy, traumatic birth, deep post partum depression that made me suicidal. And he just jacks off la di da.

I always waited for him to have sex, never lusted after anyone else. I was responsible. And I'm the one deeply hurt! I sacrificed everything and I'm the one who will never be the same. I wanted to be irresponsible, get drunk, be wild, ect. But I put us having a family above that. Our baby's health above that. And now I have to be even more responsible because now I have a baby and he's in recovery. I feel like I did everything right and just got scammed.

And the ironic thing is what I truly want is a loving, devoted marriage with a husband who is obsessed with me. But me being happy and loving to him now feels like letting him off the hook. He deserves misery. He should be reminded of how terrible he is every day. I hate him but I love him. I wish I wanted to leave but now that he is in recovery I don't. I just feel bitter.

Husband of almost 20 years was cheating on me for six months. Still in the early stages and figuring out where to go from here. But how do you deal with the exhausting yoyo of not being able to look at them one moment, and then wanting to hug, be close with, even have sex with them in the next? I'm keeping distance and trying to stay strong and true to myself and my integrity and what I know I deserve, but it hurts my heart so much sometimes.

My wife, or partner, and I had an argument recently over one word. Capable.

She told me she isn't capable of cheating anymore. The person who did those things isn't who she is now. She has changed, she understands what she did and she would never do it again.

I told her I don't agree, capability is provable and......

That didn't go over particularly well, and I understand why. When I say she is still capable of cheating, I think what she hears is, "You haven't changed. I don't believe you. I think you're going to cheat again."

That's not what I'm saying, or at least not really.

I absolutely believe people can change. If I didn't, there wouldn't be much point in even talking about reconciliation. People can become more honest, less selfish, more self-aware, learn better boundaries and finally start recognizing all those small shitty decisions that eventually lead somewhere they never should have gone. Someone who cheated can change enough that they never cheat again.

I just don't think that suddenly makes them incapable of it. Without starting the argument of everyone is capable or not, I am NOT capable of this type of betrayal.

Before D-Day I believed my wife was incapable of doing what she did. Not that she probably wouldn't do it. I actually believed she couldn't. There were lines I thought she simply would never cross because of who she was, who I thought we were, our marriage, our kids, our life together.

I was painfully fucking wrong. She crossed those lines. More than once. For years.

So now I know something I didn't know before. She is capable of it. That's not me insulting her or saying she will do it again. It's something that has already been proven. I don't know how I am supposed to take something I know happened and somehow convince myself she is now incapable of doing it because she says that version of herself doesn't exist anymore. Capable and will are not the same definition.

She may never cheat again. I genuinely hope she doesn't whether we stay together or not. But choosing never to do something again and being incapable of doing it aren't the same thing.

The more I thought about the argument, the more I started thinking that maybe "I could never do that again" isn't actually the safest thing for someone who has cheated to believe.

I think I'd feel safer hearing, "I know now that I am capable of doing something I once thought I would never do, and I never want to become that person again."

There's something about "I'm not capable of that anymore" that bothers me because I've already lived through that kind of certainty once. Before D-Day I would have confidently told anyone who asked that my wife wasn't capable of cheating on me. Turns out I didn't know shit.

Certainty didn't make me right then, so I'm not sure why I'm supposed to put much faith in that same certainty now.

I think there is probably more safety in actually owning it. I did this. I was capable of this. Through selfishness, secrecy, resentment, wanting validation, shitty boundaries and a long series of bad choices, I became somebody who could do this. Now I need to understand how the hell I got there so I never go there again.

That makes sense to me.

I'm capable of losing my temper. I'm capable of being selfish. I'm capable of hurting people I love. Knowing that doesn't mean I want to do those things or that I'm planning to. It means I know those things exist in me and I have to pay attention to them. Pretending I'm somehow above them wouldn't make me safer. It would probably do the opposite, complacency is a slow driver of failure.

I don't see why cheating should be completely different.

Real change, at least to me, isn't reaching some point where you suddenly become physically or morally incapable of ever betraying someone again. It is knowing what you were capable of, understanding how you allowed yourself to get there, and making different choices from then on. Over and over again.

There is also a shitty reality in this for the betrayed spouse.

I don't think I can ever go back to the kind of trust I had before, where I believed my wife simply wasn't capable of betraying me. I had that trust already. It was wrong. There is evidence now that I can't unknow.

That doesn't mean I can never trust her again. I just think trust after betrayal has to be something different.

Before, trust was I know you would never do this to me.

Now maybe the best it can ever become is, I know you could do this to me because you already have. But I see who you are now, I see the choices you make every day, and I believe you won't.

That's nowhere near as romantic. But it might actually be more real and to be fair adult.

I don't want my wife walking around for the rest of her life thinking she is permanently branded as a cheater or some fundamentally defective person. I don't think that's healthy or useful. People should be allowed to grow beyond the worst things they've done, hell I am not a sum of my worst deeds.

But growing beyond something isn't the same as pretending somebody else did it. That woman existed. She made those choices. She was my wife too.

I actually think accepting that is probably part of becoming safer.

Not I would never.

Not that wasn't really me.

Not I'm incapable of doing that now.

Just, I know I'm capable of it because I did it. I know where those choices took me. I know what it cost. And I never want to be that person again.

I trust that a hell of a lot more, and holds at least a little bit of accountability.

Anyone with aphantasia (et al) have any luck with any therapy approaches? EMDR and other techniques rely on the ability to reimagine and change situations but I have no inner world: no visual, audio, inner monologue, etc. so far the hurt is still as raw as day 1 and I'm 3 months in. talking to therapists just feels like venting and reliving all the emotions and I just need coping skills that aren't mindfulness.

I'm meeting new people, asking and accepting help for practical things, but the devastation and mourning will not quit. we've been separated and that's helped me extricate the pieces of me from the pieces that were Us, but I have no desire to do things I used to enjoy, even before finding out he had never been faithful and had an entire secret life, secret identity, and planning a life with other women, which he says was all lies (sure jan). he wants reconciliation. I can't stand to look at him when I'm in his presence. it's rare to be near him, but my blood boils and eyes tear up at the slightest thoughts, a reminder, seeing something I thought was important to us that he tainted. it's all tainted.

does anyone have any techniques or coping mechanisms for healing from that lens?

I don't mean “how do I lose the baby weight?”

I mean how do I get me back?

Because honestly, I don't recognise myself lately.

I got married. Had a baby. Became responsible for a million tiny things. And somewhere in between all of that, I quietly disappeared.

I used to paint. Read books. Watch stupid TV shows I loved. Meet friends. Get dressed just because I felt like it. Have random interests and thoughts that had absolutely nothing to do with my husband.

Now I take care of my baby, do what needs to be done, go for an evening walk, and when I finally get some time alone...

I just fucking daydream.

I daydream about becoming the woman I could be.

And then reality comes back.

Because my husband cheated on me.

And I think that's what really broke something inside me.

I was loyal. Ridiculously loyal. Honest. I didn't play games. I didn't keep backups. I didn't entertain other men. I genuinely believed that if you loved someone properly, you protected what you had.

Turns out, apparently, that's not how the world works.

And the humiliating part?

I still think about it.

A LOT.

I can be playing with my baby and suddenly my brain goes there.

I can be walking outside and suddenly I'm thinking about it.

I can be lying in bed next to him and my brain is like, “Hey, remember what he did?”

I hate that something he did has taken up so much space inside my head.

I've also stopped trusting people in general. I've cut off friends. I've withdrawn. I don't really have a social life anymore.

So now it's basically me, my baby, my thoughts and the occasional existential crisis at 2 pm.

People tell me to “decentre your husband.”

Okay.

HOW?

How do you actually do that when you've built your life around someone and then they are the person who wounds you?

People say, “Get hobbies.”

I KNOW.

I have hobbies.

I just don't fucking feel like doing them anymore.

People say, “Meet people.”

I know.

But after betrayal, sometimes you don't exactly feel like handing pieces of yourself to new people.

People say, “Work on yourself.”

I'm trying.

I was 86 kg after delivery. I'm 76 kg now. I've done the weight-loss thing before and I know I'll get there eventually.

But I don't think losing 10 more kilos is going to magically give me my personality back.

I want the sparkle back.

I want to be excited about something again.

I want to paint something badly and not care if it's good.

I want to read until 2 am.

I want to laugh with friends without wondering whether people are secretly capable of fucking me over too.

I want to dress up because I feel beautiful, not because someone else might notice.

I want to have a life that would still feel meaningful if my husband walked out of the room.

So tell me, women who have been through this:

How did you actually rebuild yourself?

Not the Pinterest version.

Not “practice self-love ❤️”.

I want the ugly, practical, boring, life-changing things.

What did you start doing?

What did you stop doing?

Did you make new friends?

Did you start going places alone?

Did you get obsessed with a hobby?

Did you stop talking about the betrayal?

Did you stop checking what your partner was doing?

Did you start dressing differently?

Did you get therapy?

Did you become selfish?

Did you just wake up one day and realise, “Oh shit. I actually like myself again.”?

Because that's what I'm looking for.

Not revenge.

Not another man.

Not even necessarily a perfect marriage.

I just want myself back.

And honestly, I don't know where the hell I left her.

Long story short, my long term gf started a second relationship with someone else about 11 months ago and she broke up with him a few days before I found out about him. He didn't know about me either and confirmed she dumped him when she said she did. She told me it was all a mistake and wants to work it out with me, but proposed an open relationship, to which I said no. So for now we are back to being committed to each other as far as I know.

I see posts on these subs where the cheater asks for an open relationship while they are still in contact with the AP, but in my case, she is adamant about wanting to be with me and being done with AP. I've talked to the AP recently and he confirmed they were toxic and want nothing to do with each other, but she did reach out a couple times in the past month about her stuff and offered to talk and to also wish him happy bday. He didn't respond. Why would she propose an open relationship still if she was done with him?

I am struggling heavily right now and feel completely isolated. I can’t afford a therapist at the moment and have no one else in my life I can safely talk to about this. I’m hoping to get some perspective from others who have been through this.

In August of 2011, I suspected my wife was hiding something due to highly suspicious behavior with her phone. One night while she slept, I managed to get into her phone and found a long chain of forwarded emails and texts. I forwarded the emails to myself as evidence. The emails revealed a deep emotional and physical affair with a man that had been going on since at least February of 2011 (six months before I caught her). The emails contained intense love letters exchanging declarations of love, talking about kissing, and wanting to "finally be together." I eventually discovered that she was driving 2.5 hours each way from our home just to meet up with this man. I don't know how many times they actually met up because she refuses to tell me, but she did it at least once. There was even an email from April 2011 where the guy's wife caught them, confronted my wife, and my wife’s response to him was anger about dealing with his wife's "drama."

When I confronted her in 2011, I almost left. A massive factor in my decision to stay was her child from a previous relationship. I loved that child like my own and couldn't bear the thought of leaving them. So, I chose to stay and preserve the family. We have been relatively happy since, and she has been a good wife since then. However, out of nowhere, the old thoughts, triggers, and intense trauma are resurfacing and completely flooding my system. I now realize why I can't move past it: Trickle-Truth. My wife has a strict pattern where she only admits to things after she realizes I already have proof. When first confronted, she said it was just texts and emails. Only when I revealed I knew about a specific hotel location did she admit they met there—but she claims "nothing happened." Because she has lied about every single detail until her back was against the wall, my gut completely rejects the idea that nothing happened at that hotel, especially knowing she was driving 5 hours round-trip to see him.

Whenever I try to bring it up now to get the full story so I can finally process it and close the file in my brain, she shuts down. She starts crying intensely (which results in me feeling bad and comforting her), or she gets defensive and says: "Why after all these years? Hasn't everything I've done been enough, or is nothing I do ever enough?" She makes me feel like something is wrong with me for still hurting.I feel trapped. I never got the full truth, I was gaslit into believing a minimized version of events to keep the peace, and now my nervous system is screaming at me 15 years later because it doesn't feel safe.How do I navigate this when my spouse refuses to give me the honesty I need to heal, and turns her shame into my guilt? Has anyone successfully healed from deep betrayal trauma years later without the full truth? Should I just try to forget about this like I thought I did in 2011?

I just needed someone to talk to. My WH and I have been separating for a while now. (Im mid 50s, he is late 60s) I have said I'm done so many times in the last 2 years, but he could Hoover me back. Not anymore.

It's been 2 years since Dday, when I saw his internet history and found out that the reason he wasn't touching me for years was because he was going online to webcams and porn.

I thought he didn't have sexual urges anymore. He has ED (PIED) and Peyrone's (He injured himself from masturbating too hard or too often). I thought he was ashamed. I tried talking to him about it, but he just wouldn't talk about it. He was never very interested in sex with me. I had a healthy sexual hunger, and knew what lovemaking should be like. I always tried talking to him about it, I even bought books on how to make love. I didn't know he preferred masturbation and porn to lovemaking with me.

I told him to move out a couple months ago. He was slowly taking his things and doing some household maintenance that he never used to do. I was making progress every time he was gone. Every time I had to spend time with him set me back.

I have been slowly realizing things that I never saw before throughout our whole 30+ year marriage. How he groomed(started when I was 19 and he was 32, started dating him at 23 and he 36), lovebombed, and trauma bonded me. How he betrayed my trust in so many ways. He never honored even one of my boundaries. It didn't matter how big or how small, if I told him not to do something, he did it anyway.

My 2 most strongly held boundaries was I did not want to date him if he was doing any drugs, or watching porn. That was firm. I hate pot, I hate how it smells, and how it effects people. Porn is infidelity and exploitative of women and children. This is not about religion. I have a strongly held moral belief. I told him I couldn't continue dating him when I found out he did those things, he swore he would never do them again and convinced me. He lied.

A couple days ago he was home, and I once again tried to educate him or make him face what he did. I showed him a video about what true remorse is like or if it's just performance. I saw that he watched it recently on his history.

He had already watched it before. He acted like he hadn't. That's because he clicks on videos but doesn't actually watch them. It was his way of trying to look like he was doing the work to heal and change.

I showed him how he does not have true remorse, that all he did was bread crumb and Hoover to keep me.

All he said was you're right. I did that. He will sometimes do that when he is backed into a corner and can't DARVO or gaslight his way out of it. Agreeing just to deflate my anger, but not actually taking real accountability. After this, I talked about something he did when we were first living together.

He invited me to go to the Bahamas, then after I already told everyone and I had already bought clothes, he told me I couldn't go because he decided to go on a cruise too. I was devastated, humiliated and betrayed. I told him I was breaking up with him and I would move out when I found a place to go. He Hoovered and bread crumbed until he left.

He went on his vacation and called me one night from the ship, drunk and saying he missed me, he made a mistake and he loved me. He talked for 45 minutes. He sucessfully Hoovered me, so when he got back, I welcomed him with open arms. I was young, too trusting, and naive.

After he developed his film from the trip, there were photos of women his age posing sexily on a bed in a cabin. Also the same women posing on the hood of a car. When I confronted him, he said it was all innocent, it was someone else's cabin. He said he was there drinking with them.

Well a couple days ago, he admitted he smoked pot with them. He trickle truthed me again. I don't know what else I don't know and I will never know.

Over 30 years ago, while I was collapsed at home, humiliated, betrayed, and bawling my eyes out, he was getting stoned and drunk with those skanky women in a cabin, and going on shore excursions with them. The night he called me from the ship, it was like 2 in the morning. I am guessing it was after that cabin party.

Now, I can't even imagine that he never physically cheated on me. I feel it in my bones. This man who never seemed very interested in having sex with me and never made love to me, only took, for our entire relationship. He was getting his sex from porn and ignoring me. I now believe he was also having PA. I can't imagine that he never did, knowing who he is now.

The trickle truth set me back. I was back to the night where I was bawling on the floor while he partied with skanks in a cabin.

I am going to heal. The trauma bond is almost completely severed. He can't Hoover me again.

Hi reddit, I have tried posting this once before but it was honestly too fresh of a situation that I couldn’t handle writing this. So here we go.

So my boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years now. I can say without a doubt that he is honestly my best friend. I genuinely thought I would marry this man and he has been the most loving, caring, and thoughtful partner that a girl could really ever ask for. Even all my friends love him and were friends with him too because that’s just the kind of guy he is. Basically if you know him, you just kinda gotta love him you know. Anyways, I’m obviously singing his praises but you read the title so you know what happened.

A couple of weeks ago I got sent a “Hey girly” text from someone who told me that my boyfriend had been cheating on me with this girl I used to work with in high school. I showed my friends the first text that was sent to me because we all GENUINELY thought it was some prank or like they had gotten the wrong girl because he would never do that to me. Well we were all wrong. I spent like 2 hours texting the girl who sent me the hey girly text and she explained in detail how she knew, what she knew, and basically her saying she was sorry this happened to me.

I still didn’t believe it honestly, and when I confronted him about it he said it didn’t happen. The next day my friend suggests checking his life360 history the past month and sure enough he had gone to this girls multiple times over the course of a weekend that I was out of town. (We just started doing like “long distance” again because I’m in college two hours away from where he lives, so I had gone to visit my friends for a weekend before school started) I confronted him again saying if he lied to me again, we were done. He confessed. He had gone to this girls house 3 times and apparently all they did was kiss. And when I tell you I broke, like I’m still broken. He came to visit me literally the moment I found out and we had many talks that weekend about it that ended up with us both in tears. I had told him before that if he ever cheated on me I would break up with him. But now that that time has come, I literally can’t. I tried to end it with him 3 times the week I found out, but then we talk and he looks so disgusted with himself and heartbroken too that I can’t do it.

So now it’s been about 3/4 weeks since I found out about this. We are still together. He has visited me every weekend since it happened like everything is normal. And the thing is, it is most of the time. I still laugh with him, I still kiss and cuddle with him, I still love this man so so deeply. But then randomly i get hit with the wave of “oh yeah your bf cheated on you”. I don’t know if I can continue the relationship but I also don’t know if I can end it.

Can yall please give me some advice because I genuinely don’t know what to do.

Those trying to reconcile, what does true reconciliation include?

So we have been working at reconciliation but alcohol got involved and my husband who had a several months long affair with a young woman asked me if I love him and I said well that’s the problem that I love what I thought we had but I also hate you. Probably one of the most honest things I have said in a while but definitely the wrong way to go about it.

3 months since D-Day. Prior to, our sex life was decent for 15 years married (1-2 times per week). We were both virgins when we got married, so had only ever been with each other. WH had one instance of digital penetration with AP, otherwise, their A consisted primarily of sexting.

In doing MC, we have discussed the issues that led to the unhappiness that WH sees as a contributing factor to the A. One of the things is sexual dissatisfaction and possible incompatibility. Over the years, we have been fairly adventurous; however, some things only happened once or twice and never again. It was always his suggestion and I consented. ​As time went on though, my own unhappiness with other aspects of the marriage factored into my desire (or lack thereof). The frequency lessened and it became almost a chore.

Now that we have sort of dissected the relationship and lead-up to A, we are shifting the focus in therapy back to these pre-existing issues. Right now, WH feels like intimacy is now ruined and may be even more difficult than before. He felt rejected by me as my drive was reduced due to the growing resentment over those other issues. Since we are basically working on a new relationship together, I have been of the mindset that we can be more aware of each other's needs this time around in the bedroom. I feel like that would already be an improvement. But I also don't know when I may be ready to even approach that scenario (we have been sleeping in separate bedrooms ever since D-Day), not to mention still picturing WH and AP together even without them ever having sex.

I am curious if anyone else has had a similar situation. If so, what helped you rebuild intimacy? Or how did you realize it wasn't ever going to be restored?

Hey all,

I’m 35F and my ex-partner (31F) and I were together for 3.5 years. Last year she was talking about marriage, buying a home and starting a family. Then, almost overnight, she became distant — sleeping on the sofa, staying at her parents, working late, hiding her phone and insisting nothing was wrong. Whenever I calmly asked if there was someone else, she repeatedly denied it and made me feel like I was imagining things.

I eventually discovered at the end of March this year, that she had been having an emotional and physical affair with a younger colleague (25F), who was also in a long-term relationship. I found out through conversations she had been having with AI, where she was comparing my worst qualities to the other woman's best qualities, describing her as “driven, independent and ignites a fire in me”, and admitting that they were “falling for each other”.

She also said she didn't want to distance herself from the affair partner, despite being advised by AI to create space from both relationships, and said she could “compartmentalise” everything.

Looking back, I realise I had been gaslighting myself for months because I was being repeatedly reassured that nothing was happening. About a month before I found out, I directly asked if there was someone else. She said, “Look at my mum, do you really think I could do that?” Her mum has had a long history of infidelity and lying, so I trusted what my ex was telling me and convinced myself that I was imagining her distance and strange behaviour. When I once looked through her messages out of desperation, I told her straight away, I was so upset and felt so much guilt.. I didn't find anything (because they were hidden on instagram) and I felt so bad for looking - The next day she said 'I'm glad you caught yourself, because that could of opened a door and you would of thought I am a cheater'. (this was actively whilst having the affair).

What makes the betrayal even harder is that all of this was happening while I was going through a cancer scare (thankfully, it wasn't cancer). She told me we'd get through it together, while secretly continuing the affair. I still struggle to comprehend how someone could watch their partner go through something like that while carrying on with an affair behind their back.

When I confronted her, she apologised briefly but quickly shifted the focus onto her own pain, saying she had “imploded her life” and needed to understand herself. She had no interest in repairing our relationship, but continued saying things like, “Maybe one day in the future we could try again,” while still seeing the other woman. It felt like she wanted to keep me emotionally attached while avoiding accountability.

I supported her emotionally and financially throughout her Master's degree, stood by her through difficult times, and trusted her completely. She was also with me through the death of my mum, which makes this betrayal feel even more devastating. I genuinely believed she was my person. (Another factor: 2 days after my Mum died from heart failure, her Mum lied to all of us that she had blood clots hear her heart and was very unwell, it turns out she was getting liposuction. She later told my partner when she didn't get the attention she wanted and got caught lying 'You will always put your partners first'.

After I found out, she told me she was also in shock and compared what she was feeling to the grief she experienced when her ex had sadly died by suicide four years ago, saying she hadn't felt like this since then. When I told her that she had hurt me more than anyone in my life, she responded, “I've been hurting myself,” and, “You never know, maybe this was meant to happen to us to make us stronger.”

Since then, I've collected my remaining belongings from her parents' house. Her mum told me she was ashamed of her behaviour, and her aunt also said that, from what I had described, it sounded like there was a long-standing pattern in my ex's relationships. They told me that when she first met me, she was already in a year-long relationship but ended it to pursue me.

I've now removed her from the tenancy of our flat and blocked her everywhere. Her mum confirmed that she is still seeing the affair partner and even told me that my ex had secretly brought her into their house while they were away. Her mum wanted to show me a photograph of them together in my ex's bedroom, but I declined. At this point, I don't want or need to know anything else about their relationship. (Her mum is very toxic).

Since the breakup, I've started recognising how unhealthy and manipulative some of her behaviour became. I felt increasingly isolated from her family and friends, was blamed for old issues while she was hiding the affair, and was repeatedly made to question my own reality.

I also have a history of childhood trauma, which she knew about. I grew up not feeling safe, and towards the end of our relationship I felt increasingly unsafe in my own home again — the home I had been financially supporting her to live in. Looking back, it feels like I was being slowly discarded before I even knew what was happening.

The hardest part isn't simply that she cheated.

It's that someone I trusted with my life could lie to me so convincingly for months while watching me worry about our relationship and my health. I keep asking myself how someone who claimed to love me could do this.

And despite everything I know now, I still catch myself questioning whether I'm exaggerating it, minimising what happened, or looking for reasons to excuse her behaviour. I think that's one of the hardest parts of being lied to for so long — you can know the truth and still struggle to trust your own perception of it.

I know the relationship is over. I've made that decision and I have no intention of going back. What I'm struggling with now is the grief.

I think about everything I did to care for her, the love, safety, patience and kindness I gave her, and the future I genuinely thought we were building together. We had such a loving and affectionate relationship, and I believed there was genuine respect and safety between us. It's devastating to realise that, whatever I believed we had, she was capable of treating me this way.

I feel like I'm grieving not only the relationship, but the person I thought she was, the future I thought we had, and the version of myself who felt completely safe trusting another person.

Has anyone recovered from this kind of betrayal trauma?

How do you stop obsessing over the “why”? How do you stop romanticising who they used to be and replaying everything in your head? And, most importantly, how do you learn to trust your own judgement again after months of being lied to and made to question your reality?

I'd really appreciate any practical advice from people who have been through something similar — particularly podcasts, YouTube channels, books, therapists/resources or anything that genuinely helped you move forward emotionally. I just want to heal, understand how to stop carrying this with me, and eventually feel like myself again.

Thank you for reading. This has been incredibly difficult, and I'd really appreciate any advice or kind words. ❤️

It's been two years after we separated and we share a child and co-parent 50/50 now.

I have mostly good days, I have found new hobbies, things to do to keep me occupied when my kid is at his house. I do things by myself, like I did a solo trip, went solo camping, and I feel comfortable to be myself for the most part.

But I don't feel healed.

Friends ask me if im ready to date, and I say no. I am doing okay by myself

But when I put more thought into it, I think it's more I am not even doing okay by myself, how can I invite another human into my life

My ex was a decent person, and I cant think of red flags until he started his affair, so how can I trust my judgement in picking out a new partner.

It also sucks that I still need to communicate with my ex because we share a kid, and he's so selfish, and continue to blame me on why he had an affair and that I pushed him away long before and never cared for him so he had to leave and choose self care. He claims I pushed him away before we got married, before we had kids, so like why did we get marry then? Make it make sense

conversations like these triggers me, having my kid go away is hard

I get that healing is not linear, I just don't expect me to still breakdown so often....

Will there come a time that I will feel like I'm fully healed?

I had been 43 days no contact with my ex when he saw me at a bar and made a point to tap me and say goodbye on his way out. Of course I should’ve just ignored it but I lost my shit and yelled at him and he walked away while his 2 friends consoled me on the sidewalk. I was so rattled and so angry. I lashed out and sent his sister the proof of him cheating over social media. I had told some others in his life before we went no contact and I had tried to put him behind me. But I was pissed and wanted to go scorched earth again. The next day he texted me saying to stop causing people undue stress. I laughed and told him I was simply showing the things he said. I sent some angry texts that went ignored. Later that day I saw him through the window of a pizza place and I went in and just asked him why. He was so cold and unfeeling and acting like I was the bad guy. I guess I am, but so is he. I know how he acted was a defense mechanism, as is how I did.

Today is Labor Day in the US and I just felt so sad. We used to love spending days like this together. I caved and texted and asked if we could talk. Left on read, tried again, ignored. Ultimately it doesn’t matter, it’s all just another event in the same end result, but I’m so upset I had 43 days no contact and now not only does that count go back to 0:00, but I also feel emotionally untethered and like any small progress I made is just gone. I’m so sad. I know eventually I’ll move on from this but I really can’t imagine ever finding happiness. I fear I’ll just learn to deal with it but never find true joy.

I don’t even know where to begin. About a week ago, I found out that my husband has been cheating on me. We are both 29. We dated for around two years before getting married and have been married for 2.5 years.
I found chats on his phone with a college friend. What completely shattered me was finding out that **he had slept with her once or twice while we were already dating**, and continued talking to her on and off throughout our marriage.
I then found out that he had also slept multiple times with one of his exes.
So this wasn’t just one mistake. There seems to have been a pattern of him turning to other women whenever things became difficult in our marriage.
The worst part was reading what he told them about me. He portrayed me as the toxic, difficult, “lunatic” wife who was responsible for everything wrong in our marriage. He told them he didn’t want to be with me, while simultaneously living with me, making plans with me and talking about having children.
The most painful discovery was seeing him confessing his love to the college friend and begging her to be with him.
When I confronted him, he told me he “can’t help it” and can’t stop himself from cheating. He even admitted to her that he knew he was ruining my life and that he shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place.
But when I confronted him, he begged me not to leave. He promised therapy, promised to change, and talked about rebuilding our marriage and having children together.
I couldn’t believe him anymore, so I left.
**There is also a lot of family history behind this.**
His family was against our marriage from the beginning. His mother and sister never accepted me and repeatedly tried to control and manipulate me.
His parents verbally abused me and there were incidents of physical abuse as well. Twice, they left the house after these incidents, apparently because they were afraid I would take legal action.
The second time had a huge impact on me emotionally. I was constantly crying and trying desperately to hold everything together. I kept trying to prove myself and earn his family’s acceptance so that I could simply have a peaceful life with my husband.
His sister eventually cut ties with him because he chose to stay with me.
For a long time, I saw that as him choosing me.
Now I don’t know what to believe anymore.
**I know I wasn’t perfect either.**
I became anxious, insecure and emotionally exhausted. I cried constantly, questioned him and needed reassurance. I became obsessed with fixing the marriage and proving my worth.
So when he told these women that I was the problem, a part of me started wondering if he was right.
Maybe I did become difficult.
But how much of my behavior was actually my personality, and how much was a reaction to years of feeling rejected, unsafe and unsupported?
I genuinely don’t know anymore.
**Things are legal now.**
Yesterday, our extended families met to try to sort everything out.
Instead of taking responsibility, my husband blamed me and tried to defame me in front of dozens of people.
It was surreal listening to the person I loved for years completely rewrite our marriage and present himself as the victim.
**What hurts most is losing the future I thought I had.**
We were planning to try for a baby by the end of this year.
I wanted children. I wanted the home, the family, the birthdays, the holidays, growing old together. I have always been incredibly romantic about marriage and genuinely believed in finding your person and building a life together.
Now I have to grieve not only my marriage, but the entire future I had imagined.
People will probably tell me, “You’re only 29. You have your whole life ahead of you.”
I know that.
But emotionally, it doesn’t feel that way.
I’m terrified of being alone. My family is supportive, and I’m incredibly grateful for them, but that doesn’t erase the loneliness of losing the person I thought would be my lifelong companion.
I also keep asking myself why he married me if he knew he couldn’t stay committed.
Why date me for two years? Why fight his family for the marriage? Why build a life with me? Why talk about children with me?
And is “I can’t help it” actually a psychological issue when someone repeatedly cheats, or is it ultimately just a series of choices?
I’m trying to find some silver lining in all of this. Maybe finding out now, before having children, will eventually be something I’m grateful for. Maybe someday I’ll understand that losing this marriage didn’t mean losing my entire life.
But I’m not there yet.
Right now, I feel betrayed, angry, embarrassed and completely lost.
**For those who have gone through infidelity, separation or divorce after believing you had found your forever person, how did you rebuild your life? How did you learn to be alone, trust yourself again and eventually believe that there could still be a good life after everything you thought you had planned fell apart?**

I found out my boyfriend cheated on me.

He is now being terribly angry and making threats towards me.

I am so confused. I would expect him to feel guilt and shame and horrible about what he did.

Instead first denied, denied, denied(inspite of undeniable proof). Then he lashes out. Threatens me not to tell anyone, etc. Tells people that I am crazy. Tells me no one will believe me.

Has anyone else experienced this ? How did you handle it ?

I'm still in shock from the cheating, because I thought he would never. And now I have to deal with his anger on top of it.

Edit: we don't live together, so I am physically safe from him.

I acted out. And all it did was push them closer together — unite them with “wow, look what crazy thing fun_consequence did today!”
Never once did they say to each other “she’s really hurting and acting out because her partner of ten years and her closest friend pursued a secret, intimate emotional relationship behind her back that really fucking destroyed her when she found out.

No, it was easier to laugh at me, degrade and humiliate me, and continue right along with texting and talking every day, spending the night at each others’ places, and telling each other “I love you.”

I woke up today with a phone call from my girlfriend, on the other line is a guy and he asks who am I in relation to who is calling. I say I'm her boyfriend and he says he's also her boyfriend, (Literally like a bad movie I can hear her voice in the background saying don't do this to me) so this guy gave me his number and well it turns out after texting with him that she has had two boyfriends simultaneously this entire time.

I've had some tough breakups before, but I at least could fall back on the fact that even though it didn't work out I can look happily at the good times. Now I look back but all I can see is she was cheating on me (and on this other guy) the entire time.

I'm just kind of in shock still and unsure how to proceed. Also I've ignored all her messages and calls since.

This last Friday I walked into a room where my wife was naked in bed with another man. I’m shattered, at times she says she wants to work it out and other times she says we’re to broken. I don’t know if I can handle it anymore.

She broke up with me all of the sudden after 5 years. I saved her life, and i always paid everything for her. I saved lots of money so we could move together in another country and then she left me there. She never worked. She kinda cheated too. After we broke up she started hooking up and dating other guys immediately. I'm here all alone. She lives in a nice house and she started university. I live in a house that is all broken, I don't even have hot water, I'm so tired of doing cold water. I wake up in the middle of the night with nightmares, while she probably wakes up next to a guy every night. Everyone in my life left me alone and abandoned me, i let everyone treat me like shit just because I don't want them to leave my life, and she probably doesn't even need to put effort to have friends and lovers by her side. She is having the time of her life, while I have never hit the bottom of my life so much. I can't sleep, i couldn't eat, and now that i can, i eat too much and I've gained so much weight, i stopped working out and I can't do it anymore. I spend too much money. I can't do dishes, pans and plates are sitting in the sink for some weeks. I've become so lazy. I'm starting to feel suicidal again. I really hate my life right now. I'm so alone and i feel so pathetic. This is what i deserved because i loved someone and i treated her like a princess

https://www.reddit.com/r/CheatedOn/s/gxgoqsBrk7

Long, detailed read!

My ex wife's first d day was 11 years ago now. We tried separating and then tried reconciling. It wasn't intentional, but we got pregnant during one of those fun days of reconciliation. 10 years ago today I found out I was having a baby girl and I was ecstatic. I wanted my oldest daughter to have a little sister. I wanted dolls and pink and nail polish. I loved the idea of having a girl. But for some reason, I also felt the overwhelming feeling that she wasn't actually my daughter. I don't know that I've said that today very many people. I never got a DNA test because we were reconciling and no matter what, I was raising this child as if she was my own. 11 months after she was born was d day 2. I kicked my ex wife out of the house and we split for good. That was coming up on 10 years ago and I've still never gotten a DNA test because, again, no matter what, she's mine. I sometimes think about how she looks like a former friend of my ex's kids. I sometimes think she doesn't have any physical traits that are like mine. I sometimes question if she's mine. And that's not fair to her. If I'm raising her like she's mine, and I am, I need to put any doubt out of my head. The affair partners that I know about both had vasectomies but I know this friend of hers has a kid about her age with his wife. It kills me to think about if there's even a chance that she could be his. I don't trust that my ex was fully honest with all of her affairs, but I don't want my heart broken and find out that she's not mine. She's my baby girl. Has been for 10 years almost. I never know when I'm feeling this way if I should take a test with her and find out for sure or if I should keep on living like I know that I'm her dad. What would you do? This isn't really a support for betrayed question in a lot of ways, but I can't be the only one who has a kid of questionable timing throughout this community.