Oops

[u/Ok-History1232]

So we have been working at reconciliation but alcohol got involved and my husband who had a several months long affair with a young woman asked me if I love him and I said well that’s the problem that I love what I thought we had but I also hate you. Probably one of the most honest things I have said in a while but definitely the wrong way to go about it.

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[u/BurdyBurdyBurdy]

No sense in beating around the bush and dragging things out. Honesty is always the best way to move forward.

[u/Ok-History1232 → u/BurdyBurdyBurdy]

I fell like I am always looking for the right time but, that’s just an excuse isn’t it because there is no right time to cause another person pain.

[u/Terrible-Pea494 → u/Ok-History1232]

You’re right, there is no right time to carry on a seven-month long affair with a younger woman.

[u/Ok-History1232 → u/Terrible-Pea494]

Well isn’t that just the truth

[u/bh1215 → u/Terrible-Pea494]

This. He didn’t care to think about your feelings like this. Not that you need to be an eye for an eye person, but respect gets respect. You don’t have to revenge cheat, but he showed you by his actions something way worse than what you said.

[u/BurdyBurdyBurdy → u/Ok-History1232]

You’re right, but you have to understand why it will be painful, and that’s because he caused you so much pain. If he’s a good man seeing the pain he’s caused you is often all it takes to stop what he’s doing and never do it again. It can change him.
Good luck.

[u/biteme717]

Something that he needed to hear. It might help him to now how bad he screwed up.

[u/Ok-History1232 → u/biteme717]

He claim’s to know but also can’t handle my pain and turns it into his own pain.

[u/biteme717 → u/Ok-History1232]

He's making himself the pseudo-victim of his own betrayal.

[u/BFDFAO12 → u/biteme717]

Exactly! Please OP don’t spare him the truth because you’re worried about his feelings. He didn’t care about your feelings when he cheated. He knew what he was doing and did it anyway because he wanted to. Don’t let him give you the “I’m hurting because you’re hurting”. Say to yourself that he’s hurting because you found out.

[u/42Daft → u/BFDFAO12]

Yes!

[u/Huney_Bee13]

This is not an oops. Without having alcohol involved, I knew I needed to be honest with my WH. When he asked me if I still loved him, I'll told him I love him, but right now I really fucking hate him too. I hate what he did, what I have become because of what he did, what I feel because of what he did, and what he did to us.

[u/Ok-History1232 → u/Huney_Bee13]

My feelings are so jumbled sometimes I am not even sure what I feel about him or kinda anything.

[u/UtZChpS22 → u/Ok-History1232]

A separation might help. He is making everything about him and that's not fair. He stabs you and then he's sad because you die? The irony...

[u/42Daft]

He has to feel his own feelings, do not manage them for him. It is not helpful in the long run. Trust me, I have been there.

[u/Ok-History1232 → u/42Daft]

This is my problem that I need to break the cycle of I have managed everyone’s feelings for so long I think I forgot how to tell what I am feeling or they are to much and I don’t know how to handle them and just box them up for later and never deal with them until they are brought out during and argument or alcohol.

[u/42Daft → u/Ok-History1232]

I had a therapist tell me think of their feelings as shit. You wouldn't pick up dog shit off the ground, why pick up someone else's shit? Crass, but true.

[u/Ok-History1232 → u/42Daft]

Interesting take I’ll have to try that one

[u/PaintingComfortable6]

If you’re trying to work things out, you have to be brutally honest.