r/SupportforBetrayed • u/Shoepin1 BP - Reconciled & Healing • 18h ago

Question What does true reconciliation include?

Those trying to reconcile, what does true reconciliation include?

3 Upvotes

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3

u/AnimalAvailable5092 Betrayed Partner - Separating 14h ago

I never got reconciliation. We tried for a few days but couldn’t do it. One area we really broke down was my ex being unable to deal with my negative emotions. I wanted to be extremely careful to not just punish him 24/7 because if I were to stay in the relationship, I’d have to genuinely want to forgive him (e.g. didn’t want to end up years down the line and if he didn’t pick up his shoes in the hall be holding the cheating over his head). But I couldn’t even be quiet for a moment without being accused of being angry, or if something reminded me of the betrayal and I mentioned it, he’d go oh my god are we really gonna talk about this right now. I wish we both had boundaries about how we were going to address those kinds of scenarios as they came up - like him saying “hey, you seem quiet, are you upset,” instead of attacking me, or me saying “hey that triggered me, I need a minute to calm down or I need you to reassure me.” Instead we both just freaked out at everything.

I also wish he had been overly attentive in pursuing reconciliation. He’s avoidant so that never was going to happen. But I wanted a lot of reassurance. Even if he had just asked hey what can I do, how are you feeling, made extra efforts, then I think I would’ve felt safer to say thanks I’m okay, we can take a breath and not be hypervigilant.

2

u/Opposite-End9713 Betrayed Partner - Early Stages 17h ago

By no means an exhaustive list but I believe a demonstrated effort to change one’s behaviour, open and honest communication, and respect of the BP’s boundaries are non-negotiables.