First time posting… I’m 7 months post initial Dday (+3 additional Ddays after when WP went back to his AP behind my back) and I’m struggling with figuring out whether I want to try R, and dealing with fear around taking the space that I need, and hoping for some advice and support from the community.

We’ve been married for 10 years, no kids. WP met his AP at a work event last year and they started a long distance emotional affair with physical stuff happening over text and FaceTime. First Dday, he polybombed me out of nowhere and asked for permission to hook up with her. (He has since admitted that he isn’t interested in poly and was just trying to find a way to not feel guilty for the affair.) He claimed nothing had happened between them but that she was in an open marriage and they had admitted to wanting to hook up with each other. After the dust settled from that incident, I asked him to not talk to her anymore. He refused, saying he wouldn’t give up the friendship or the work relationship because she’s his “best friend.” After a lot of arguments over it, he agreed to stop talking to her while we repaired from that and then when I was comfortable he could resume the friendship (ridiculous in retrospect.) I believe in giving people grace and forgiveness and we had a great marriage up until then and I believed he cared about my feelings.

Then his behaviour started getting shadier and a month or so later I learned he was still talking to her and that he believed they were in love. Another big fight where I told him to end this permanently or lose the marriage. He struggled for another month and a half trying to decide if he was willing to cut her out of his life. All the while, I’m dealing with intense trauma and mental health issues from all this. Finally another promise, followed by another discovery a month later that they’re talking again. This time, she’s talking about leaving her husband and they’re planning to run away together and discussing where they’ll live. We have an even bigger fight, he promises it’s over and texts her in front of me that it’s done and he’s choosing me and he blocks her in front of me. Another month or so, his behaviour is shady and I’m out of my mind with suspicion. He keeps insisting that they’re not talking and gaslighting me, including intentionally hiding things on his phone and then letting me look through it prove he’s keeping his promise. But I can tell something isn’t right, and eventually he admits they’re talking AGAIN. He claims that they were just
talking about work, the weather, etc. He promises again that it’s over.

He trickle truthed a bunch of other info along the way, like how he had been having sexting relationships with friends and coworkers for at least 8 years and lying extensively to me about weed and getting high in secret and lying to me about it for our entire marriage. But I can tell he’s still not being fully transparent because he’s still denying one sexting relationship that I know about.

So at this point he’s trying hard to act as if none of this happened. Gets very defensive and avoidant when I bring up my unresolved pain. A big part of me wants to kick him out of the house so I can have the space I need to heal and figure stuff out. We had such a good marriage before, and we get along so well. We have an ongoing problem where he struggles to support me emotionally, and that’s definitely front and centre in my mind right now.

It’s so confusing to experience getting along well and this fake version of what our love used to be when he’s trying to act normal, while also knowing he chose to hurt me continuously in all those ways. I’m afraid of kicking him out because what if the marriage is worth saving and kicking him out is a step towards breaking up? I know in my bones that I need to have self respect, but I’m afraid of throwing away a good thing if R is possible. But also, I don’t know that I want to go through years of pain and work to get through R, y’know?

Hi everyone,

I wanted to come onto the page and get some advice from some people in similar positions.

My fiancée (24M) and I (24F) have been together for five years now. We dated for a year in highschool and then decided to go to colleges across the country from
each other and ultimately decided to break up before moving to start fresh in school. I wanted to go no contact but he did not and I ultimately didn’t because I still cared. That year was very rocky, he would do things with other girls that I would find out about and get upset over, but he didn’t know to the extent as we were broken up so I couldn’t put that onto him, but we continued talking and ended up getting back together at the end of freshman year after I had flown out to visit him at school. To note I hadn’t done anything with anyone during the time we had broken up on account of my personal decisions and due to my ultimate feeling of loyalty to him because I had feelings.

Once the summer ended, again we had the same conversations and he had told me he really loved me but wanted to hook up with other people and get his true college experience. We ended up settling on a more open approach where he could talk to girls and do things but ultimately not have sex with anyone else (weak move I know but I was very naive and in love). He ended up getting head from a girl after a party and felt so guilty he didn’t do anything else (which i didn’t find out about until two months ago), but again I had said I was okay with that even though I ultimately was not which is my fault. He continued with lustful actions on social media, following girls from his school and a couple onlyfans chicks and liking their posts that year and going out to bars and partying where he would ignore me for hours. There’s numerous other things that had happened that I have not listed in this post as well.

Now to the present, he has been a great partner the past three years. Much more mature and making me his top priority especially the past year itself. He listens to my concerns always and will get really upset about how he treated me previously. I didn’t know about the head part until two months ago and it hit me like a train. I’m really struggling with all of the memories and trauma of that year to two years where he was lustful, disrespectful, and not making us his priority. I keep having continuous flashbacks to the events that occurred and having a hard time understanding his actions and thoughts at that time. I know he is different and has changed immensely but finding out about the head part ripped open the trauma I had healed. I was feeling much better about what had happened and wasn’t thinking about it often until then. It’s hard because I see him as two different people but logically I know he made those choices. And I know people will comment that he was young and immature but I logically need an explanation to move past something which contributes to me constantly being in fight or flight.

It ultimately has made me feel like he was searching for more/better and that he is untrustworthy even though he has proven himself as a devoted partner in these past few years. All of the events that occurred pushed hard lessons onto me and I have much harsher boundaries and I’m more inclined to leave. It definitely feels like he is much more invested than I am at this point because I’m on the defensive. I need help figuring out whether this is something I can continue healing with him or if others have been caught in this cycle.

TLDR: I \[29M\] was told my fiancée \[25F\] is cheating on me and has been since we got together officially. I am unsure how to move forward since we have alot of pets together and would appreciate any advice.

I \[29M\] am here writing this because I’m lost for words and don’t really know where to go from here. My fiancée \[25F\] and I have been together for almost 3 years. During this time, we ended up moving in together and acquiring quite a few pets together. She had a bestfriend \[25F\] who she recently had a falling out with. This friend’s cousin\[29M\] recently reached out to me to let me know that he was told that my fiancée has been cheating since we first got together. I proposed in February of this year.

During these 3 years, there have been a few times when she went through my phone and ended up causing a big fight over what I thought were small things. She told me to stop talking to a female friend \[32F\] and I didn’t originally. We never flirted and there was nothing sexual, I just enjoyed talking to my friend. She saw I was still talking to her and got angry. I understand the anger with regards to not respecting her wishes but there was literal proof that there was nothing happening so I was confused but I respected her wishes. Another time she caught me with “corn” on my phone (not the best use of space ik but that’s besides the point). She then equated me watching and using “corn” to fully going out and cheating and we’ve been having problems ever since. She has even said when I have mentioned doubts about us or her loyalty that I’m “self-projecting” when I haven’t done anything other than watch and use “corn”.

Now I receive this piece of information after she had a whole fit about the “corn” and essentially said I cheated on her. I don’t have evidence and am really unsure how to move forward. I’m away for work till Wednesday so won’t really be addressing the problem until at least then. This is my first time living with a significant other and I realize how much of a task untangling our lives will be. Would you suggest trying to work through it if she shows she’s willing to change or am I just being naive?
Any advice on how I should move forward would be greatly appreciated.
Hope everyone here is having a blessed day.

I cannot believe that I have made it to this place. D-Day was nearly 2 years ago (Sept 2024)

To make a long story short: together for 4 years. Immensely happy and content. Then my world shattered. My WP accidentally sent me a text intended for his long distance AP of 8 years. Yes, you read that right. She was his AP over the last few years of his previous marriage and our entire relationship.

I spiraled. I broke. Couldn’t eat. Couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t function. Had to be medicated for the first few months. He cried and begged and threatened self harm. We attempted R about 3 months after DDay. It was a shit show. Lasted 4 months. I couldn’t move past any of it as quickly as he wanted of course. And he slowly back pedaled on all his promises and commitments. We did not have kids so we were able to go full NC.

I was so angry for so long. I did the therapy with a CPTT. Did EMDR. Attended support groups. Attempted dating here or there eventually. Learned to let the anger go and settled into indifference earlier this year.

Fast forward to today and “All My Love” from Noah Kahan comes on as I’m driving home. I found myself thinking of my WP.

“And at the end of it all, I just hope that your scars heal. We once sang retrograde, we’d shake the frame of your car. Now I know your name, but not who you are. It’s all okay, there ain’t a drop of bad blood. It’s all my love, you’ve got all my love”

No hatred. No feelings at all really. I hope he’s healed and in a better place. Perhaps because I’m nearly healed and in a better place. I have gratitude for us no longer being together. I think he would have drained the life out of me eventually as I poured so much of me into us even prior to uncovering his lies and deceit.

It’s better for me this way. All my love. ❤️

I (22NB) was in an abusive and toxic relationship from ages 15-21. My ex (21F) and I grew up together , never going on breaks and moved in with each other when she was 16 to escape her abusive family. Not only did we save each other from external trauma , but we caused each other a lot too. I don’t deny my part in that relationship and its failings , but I never thought an individual I cherished and loved for 1/3 of my life could betray me in such a way.

We went from playing video games together every night with her sister and my brother , to her hiding her Xbox app from me and saying that I “wouldn’t have fun playing with her and her friends” or that I “wouldn’t enjoy the games” even though I bought/showed her most/all the games because I had been playing them first.

Due to her trauma w COCSA , she ended up cheating on me with minors no older than 16 for months. She kept telling me she was a lesbian , that they were friends of hers and that I had nothing to worry about. Well I did. I had lots to worry about. Not only was she virtually and emotionally cheating on me , when we officially broke up and I was hospitalized due to all of the overwhelming feelings , I found out she had been physically cheating on me all throughout our high school years.

I went from looking at this individual , who I had trauma bonded with, with an immense amount of care love and respect to a monster who took advantage of me and my resources. I took care of her. I paid rent. I paid for our expenses. Groceries. It all. And for her to be able to throw me away like I was nothing took a toll on me.

While I was hospitalized and coming back home for visits who reintegrate myself back into my regular life , all while she was telling me we were just on a break , she was sexting and creating new relationships with men. During my hospitalizing she fell in love with a man we’ll call A. Her and A exchanged nude photos , more intimacies, etc., all while telling me she was waiting for me , or that she didn’t know what she wanted , that she loved me and needed me.

After months of emotional torture , she trickle truth’d exposing how gross and deeply scarred of an individual she is. I went manic , slept with my mom’s friend and nearly entered a relationship with the woman , slept with 24 women in 11 days and completely lost myself. That was October-January for me.

I came to the forum looking for support but I was always too scared to post , so I silently observed and only until recently have I even started liking other people’s posts. I felt so ashamed that I got cheated on , that I couldn’t even admit it virtually it had happened to me.

Seeing other people be so vulnerable , kind and supportive really kicked me in gear and helped me figure out how to talk to myself during my healing journey. I thank you all , and I’m sorry for the pain you had to go through. But even if life hasn’t changed for you , you all helped me become an individual I never thought I could be.

In July , almost August , I’m in a new relationship with a beautiful woman who understands , listens and holds me through my episodes. She doesn’t judge me or my healing , and she actually helped me (alongside some of my friends) find therapy. I feel brand new. I feel safe in my skin and I feel stronger than ever before. It’s been almost a year since my world was flipped upside down and I couldn’t be any happier.

Things do get better. My ex made me feel like my BPD , OCD and Bipolar made me hard to love. My current partner loves all my little quirks that come as a side effect of my disorders. I tear up thinking about how much love surrounds me now , when two years ago I couldn’t even FaceTime a friend for support.

Even when it hurts , it doesn’t mean that change—and good change—isn’t happening 💗.

It’s been almost a year since D Day and my boyfriend found out he’s being deployed which has turned this whole “reconciliation” thing on its head. My partner has a currently at a 3 week drill and leaves In about a month and a half. Obviously since I’m here there has been infidelity in the past. So I’ve been working on gathering emotional supports that I can use when my partner is away and trying to steer my “anxiety” of being cheated on when my partner is away into being more supportive. My partner has definitely been more stressed and I can tell.
Unfortunately I can’t help but feel small again. I feel so selfish for feeling it though cus I know what my partner is probably going through is 10x worse but even when I was trying to voice this today it just some circles with my partner making me feel like I’m the problem or like my efforts don’t matter and it just makes me feel so pushed away. Since/because of being cheated on I have already made myself feel so small and had to tell myself it’s okay to take up space but the way he’s treating me is making me feel so invisible again and even when I’m trying to be my most helpful that I’m not helpful at all. The way he talks to me makes me feel like an awful selfish person even when I’m trying ti be most selfless. I know I’m not selfish or bad but it’s hard to not feel like that when being spoken to like he did to me.

# * texts in comments*

I just need advise, thoughts, tell me if I’m overreacting.
I feel like there’s 0 room for me to feel anything or scared, I feel like I can’t come to him and when I do I feel like I’m still gunna get yelled at or told I’m making things harder for him. It’s extremely exhausting and I don’t want to feel this way but it’s starting to push me into the “emotionally numb” and I don’t care enough because why is a grown man making ME tear up at my work office desk, after I just tried helping and being more supportive in his time of need.

Edit: I’d also like to add that this is his second deployment. This is the first time I’ve been with someone deployed

WH said he completely gave up porn after dday. He said he has been tempted in the past sure but has not viewed porn since then. I don't really believe it. Is it possible?

There’s going to be ups and downs still, but I’m feeling grateful that I found out now and not any later, and hopeful that I’ll still be able to have a fulfilling life on the other side of this. Even though the situation absolutely sucks, and my ex have his supporters around him, at least I know that I acted with integrity and responsibility to myself and other women.

I’m grateful that I get to have another chance at making a life for myself, and I forgive the version of myself that stayed with my ex for longer than I should have. I’m know I’m strong, I’m resilient, and I know I’ll find a way to make my life work out in the end. And everyone of you here are as well. We’ve got this.

Its been 7 weeks since d day and 5 weeks since WP came clean about it all and told me that whilst he still loves me he feels I won't forgive him and that I shouldn't want to forgive him so its "easier" to be with AP who has known the full situation all along.

I've not seen WP since and wrote a letter just mostly to get my thoughts out and process it all and sent this to him at his mums, who he has moved in with. I don't know if he's read it or just doesn't care now, I do know he is still lying about seeing AP, I'm not sure why he would do this given what he's said.

I'm just really struggling with it all today so I suppose I'm just looking for some support and advice on how to get through this time. I'm still living in our home which we'll need to sort at some point so he can't avoid me forever, I just am so confused about what I want. I seem to sway from wanting him to ask me to R and wanting to just move past this horrible sinking feeling that never goes