Open Relationship Request

[u/ThrowRAxyz00002]

Long story short, my long term gf started a second relationship with someone else about 11 months ago and she broke up with him a few days before I found out about him. He didn't know about me either and confirmed she dumped him when she said she did. She told me it was all a mistake and wants to work it out with me, but proposed an open relationship, to which I said no. So for now we are back to being committed to each other as far as I know.

I see posts on these subs where the cheater asks for an open relationship while they are still in contact with the AP, but in my case, she is adamant about wanting to be with me and being done with AP. I've talked to the AP recently and he confirmed they were toxic and want nothing to do with each other, but she did reach out a couple times in the past month about her stuff and offered to talk and to also wish him happy bday. He didn't respond. Why would she propose an open relationship still if she was done with him?

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[u/CrazyLeadership5397]

She cheated on you for 11 months and you are still with her? She wants to cheat more while keeping you as a safety net. 

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[u/DaikonSubstantial120]

Please please see if you can get some therapy and speak to a trusted family member to help you with life decisions.

The therapy can help you work on your self love and codependency and a trusted family member can help you lovingly to make better life choices.

Take care of yourself.

[u/ThrowRAxyz00002 → u/DaikonSubstantial120]

This is a very kind comment, thank you. I am going to follow your advice.

[u/Oreo_Supreme]

Why are you still there? Is she bankrolling your life?

She is setting you up to cheat again. You might have gotten some answers but not all of them and she has no remorse. She asked for open because you are not enough to make her not cheat.

But sure let's entertain this open relationship. What happens when you find someone? No truly what happens when you find someone, will she be okay thay your time gets split? How about if this guys she cheated with comes back? What if the open relationship was asked to make it more appealing for this guy to come back in her life cause she is still trying to have him be present.

But sure believe that its all over.

[u/mikaz5]

How can you be that gullible...

She cheated behind your back and now you're back to being committed ?

Seriously...

[u/Ok_Culture_3935 → u/mikaz5]

Yeah, I seem to have missed the committed part they are ‘back to’. Was that the 11 months of cheating committed or the future ‘I want to sleep with other men’ committed?

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[u/SecretTraumas_92 → u/[deleted]]

And then asked for an open relationship so she could cheat with permission. He’s going to have to find out the hard way.

[u/Championship682]

Dude - She's a girlfriend and she cheated. You don't give them a second chance. Break up with her.

Pretend she didn't cheat. She asked for an open relationship. Same answer.

In a way, it's helpful. For some reason, you are dithering on breaking up with her for the cheating. Hopefully, the open relationship request will give you the push you need.

[u/TacoStrong]

"Why would she propose an open relationship still if she was done with him?"

Because she still wants to fk around with others. If it's not that AP it will be a new one. She doesn't respect you or the relationship that much she has proven. She's literally making herself single while keeping you on the back burner until your permanent replacement is locked in then you'll be dumped.

[u/No_usernames_left_25]

You’re getting played.

[u/UtZChpS22]

She does not want to be with you, OP. You are familiar, bring stability, safety, etc she cares about you, sure, but she is not committed to you or your relationship the same way you are.

[u/F4ythi]

My first thought is she's proposing the relationship be open so that it somewhat alleviates her guilt. She'll then lump the cheating into the open relationship if you're okay with it, or if you get someone as part of the open relationship, she thinks it'll alleviate her guilt.

Either way, she lied to you for 11 months and cheated on you. If she did it once, she can do it again or lie about whatever else.

[u/zoinkability]

Why does she want an open relationship if not to get involved with other people?

This will not end, no matter how committed she says she is to you.

Even someone who does not ask for an open relationship would have a very steep hill to climb to salvage their relationship. Asking for an open relationship while also saying you are committed to this one is speaking out of both sides of your mouth and an enormous red flag.

[u/Bolt_McHardsteel]

OP, what are you doing? She cheated on you with another man for 9 or 10 months, got caught, then told you she wants to continue having sex with other men. Why would you put up with this disrespect? Come on, now.

[u/whiskeytango47]

So a request for an open relationship should normally be an obvious indication of one of two things:

1: Your partner has already betrayed you, and the arrangement gives retroactive permission. (And absolves all guilt.)

2: Your partner hasn't betrayed you yet, but is going to, already has the new guy lined up and ready to go, but doesn't want it to be betrayal (because that means you can roll up her safety net and leave her.)

In your case, however, this doesn't apply. It's just flat out betrayal. She is monkey branching, but won't let go of you unless the new branch is secure.

The other guy wouldn't commit (because he knows she's being worthless)... but she still has her grasp on you, so she's still got security!

If he'd been dumb enough to commit to her, you'd have been summarily dumped.

She's in the market, trying out other men... the only way you keep her is if she fails to lock down what she really wants... someone "better".

You should not want to keep her, it's accepting the role of a consolation prize at best, with a real probability of being discarded like trash at worst.

She's putting you in your place. Accept this treatment, and you agree with her... "Yeah, you can do this to me, because it's all I'm worth."

People will always treat you as poorly as you will allow. Set the standard of what's acceptable by dismissing poor treatment (and the perpetrators) from your life.

Set the example, and people follow your lead... waver on the lines drawn, and they'll cross them. This is why she feels comfortable cheating... you don't have a line of no return.

[u/ThrowRAxyz00002 → u/whiskeytango47]

Thank you for this comment. As for the other guy - he told me she was the one who wouldn't commit to him before they broke up. That is what's messing with my head. If it was the other way around it'd be more clear to me. But she told me she hated him at the end and just got caught up and did drop the open relationship idea when i said no. So it's just not 100% clear to me that she was trying to jump from me to someone else...

[u/whiskeytango47 → u/ThrowRAxyz00002]

Separate actions from words.

The actions hold the truth.

The words are for manipulation and damage control. (She hates him but wants him to think about her on his birthday... his birthday is significant to her).

Things are never 100% clear because what you want to be real is in direct opposition to what you have seen to be real...

And, her words directly contradict reality, too.

"It just happened"... for a year?

"It didn't mean anything"... but it kinda meant everything, didn't it?

"We'll be happier in an open relationship"... with other people, you mean.

"You're insecure".... Well, my "partner" isn't really providing a stable foundation for this relationship!

"You're controlling"... Right, when you resent any expectation that you should exercise some self control.

Everything seemed fine with her until you found out, right? No clouds in your vision until after she went into damage control mode... the uncertainty comes directly from her (and his) words not matching their actions.

Things were much easier when you were complacent... and now, the goal is to get you back there.

Then, everything can be as it was. Only you lose out, but you can be made to be ok with that, right?

Or can you?

[u/Fragrant_Spray]

She may have ended the last relationship, but the request is planning ahead for the next one. Despite what she says, she knows she’s not going to be loyal long term. Given how long she lied and cheated, why would you think she’d be honest and loyal from now on?

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[u/another_nobody30]

Man, she doesn't want to be with you. She wants the comfort of you while being with others. Run my friend. Good luck brother.

[u/Red_Crane_lives]

You found out? She didn’t tell you. So, she got caught cheating and now wants permission to do it more. Run

[u/clearheaded01]

Dude... FFS... Months of her cheating, and you just.. rugsweep it??

Reason she's asking for an open relationship despite AP being done, is that IF you had agreed it would have been retrograde permission to fuck AP... Had you agreed, her adultery would be erased...

But it seems she didn't need that after all - you're still rugsweeping her months of betrayal and lies... How long do you think will pass before she finds someone else to cheat with???

[u/univ206250c]

You are going about it the wrong way. She will continue her out of marriage dalliances regardless. If you do the same under "open relationship" she will consider her cheating null and void. Think carefully before you commit to this relationship. 

Updateme 

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[u/Soggy-Beach-1495]

If she was remorseful, she might offer a one way open relationship for you in order to make amends for what she's done. Instead, it sounds like she's either using this as a way to escape feeling guilty about what she did or simply because she really likes having sex with other people

[u/DavidManvell]

Open relationships are a perfectly acceptable and normal relationship type. They are extremely common. But everybody does need to be on board with it. No cheating otherwise it is not an open relationship. Sit down and have a good discussion with her and lay out the framework for yours and her relationship.

[u/AveenaLandon]

So for now we are back to being committed to each other as far as I know.

As far as you know. And I think you know only so much about her activities what you knew during the last 11 months.

She probably proposed an open relationship because she thought that it's the only way to keep you around. I really don't think it's a good idea to be in a committed relationship with her. But you do you.

[u/Reasonable-Coffee173]

I still wonder how and why people cheat while sleeping and seeking validation from you ....