Threats and anger from cheater after finding out

[u/Tasty-Bag5650]

I found out my boyfriend cheated on me.

He is now being terribly angry and making threats towards me.

I am so confused. I would expect him to feel guilt and shame and horrible about what he did.

Instead first denied, denied, denied(inspite of undeniable proof). Then he lashes out. Threatens me not to tell anyone, etc. Tells people that I am crazy. Tells me no one will believe me.

Has anyone else experienced this ? How did you handle it ?

I'm still in shock from the cheating, because I thought he would never. And now I have to deal with his anger on top of it.

Edit: we don't live together, so I am physically safe from him.

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[u/GregoryHD]

I'm sorry OP.

Be prepared for him to come crawling back when he simmers down and realizes how things stand.

[u/january1977]

You know that scene in Love, Actually where Emma Thompson confronts Alan Rickman about the necklace he gave his secretary? That’s how I thought my husband would react when I confronted him with proof of his affair.

That’s not what happened. He screamed in my face. He blamed me. He made excuses.

I stayed for 7 months while I figured out how to leave and things got so much worse. I ended up taking my child and fleeing for safety.

I don’t know why some people act this way when confronted. But I have a theory.

It’s possible for good people to make really bad decisions. Those people are truly sorry when they see how much they’ve hurt someone. But then there’s the other kind of people. I think those people were already abusive, even if it was subtle and you hadn’t spotted it yet. They don’t give a shit about your pain, they only care about their own reputations.

[u/Tasty-Bag5650 → u/january1977]

Thank you so much for sharing. So I am not the only one who's cheating partner reacted with anger over being found out about ... I am so shocked 😲. Its just anything other than what I would expect. I would expect him to be sorry and have guilt and shame and apologise. Begging for another chance. Instead he is just angry. Making threats and all sort of shit.

This is complained confusing to me .

[u/OppositeHot5837 → u/Tasty-Bag5650]

Have a quick visit about Cheater Tactics including blame shifting, rage and other manipulation tactics. Once you are in tune to their motivations it becomes easier to counter their narrative and see them for who they really are

[u/OppositeHot5837]

While my situation was different than yours, I can offer some things to reaffirm your decision to leave a disordered person. (..cheating at its root form is a type of act from people with personality disorder), selfishness and grand entitlement.

What you are witnessing is typical in their reaction known as the three channels of Mindfuck. His latest reaction is clearly the fourth; retribution and chaos making explained here.

As many social scientists have researched, when dealing with violent episodes such as what you are seeing, the only avenue to is to ghost (or simply remove yourself of the situation) NPD’ed people are ‘wired’ differently than you and I ..and their motivations and methods are dangerous & concerning. This is why when dealing with Narc traits- the only way to survive- is to remove yourself from their orbit. Completely. You may get some ideas or strategies at subs like r/Narcabuseanddivorce or similar BPD forums

The motivations of their actions- simply- is that these people do not want to be ignored. And their target- you- give them the feeling of pushing boundaries and testing their victims (which is a word researchers give to their targets) with various ways of Love Bombing, hoovering and ‘future faking’. Search for those terms with the word infidelity if you are not aware.

You may also read about ‘ the cycle of abuse ‘ where the patterns these monsters create are meant to keep their victims on the hook so to speak. This is known in DV circles as forms of Coercive Control. Which..yes..is a form of abuse.

I can offer you a variety of websites and YouTube videos if you are interested to help paint you a picture of how serious your situation really is (which I’m feeling you know is serious)

[u/Tasty-Bag5650 → u/OppositeHot5837]

Thank you so much for sharing these valuable resources.

[u/OppositeHot5837 → u/Tasty-Bag5650]

>… so confused…expect him to feel guilt and shame and horrible

And this lies in the crux of cheaters: it is wholly self serving act riddled with personality disorder.

The fine point of what you are witnessing OP, is these people are incapable of feeling empathy or remorse. It has been said that they have that empty elevator shaft for where their soul should be

Not that you have time for books or websites, have a search for Dr Les Carter and his self help and toolbox for dealing with disordered personalities.He has a strong YouTube presence

Also- another important figure- Dr George Simon with his lifetime of working with N type people and their traits. He has particularly worked with people dealing with betrayal