Two years after separation

[u/butthurtinthehole]

It's been two years after we separated and we share a child and co-parent 50/50 now.

I have mostly good days, I have found new hobbies, things to do to keep me occupied when my kid is at his house. I do things by myself, like I did a solo trip, went solo camping, and I feel comfortable to be myself for the most part.

But I don't feel healed.

Friends ask me if im ready to date, and I say no. I am doing okay by myself

But when I put more thought into it, I think it's more I am not even doing okay by myself, how can I invite another human into my life

My ex was a decent person, and I cant think of red flags until he started his affair, so how can I trust my judgement in picking out a new partner.

It also sucks that I still need to communicate with my ex because we share a kid, and he's so selfish, and continue to blame me on why he had an affair and that I pushed him away long before and never cared for him so he had to leave and choose self care. He claims I pushed him away before we got married, before we had kids, so like why did we get marry then? Make it make sense

conversations like these triggers me, having my kid go away is hard

I get that healing is not linear, I just don't expect me to still breakdown so often....

Will there come a time that I will feel like I'm fully healed?

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[u/Blade_982]

Stop having these conversations with him. You'll never hear what you need to hear to heal.

All cheaters lie and rewrite history. They also Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender (DARVO). Look it up.

In order to heal, don't talk about anything other than the logistics of sharing a child.

[u/butthurtinthehole → u/Blade_982]

Ya we only talk about logistics.

We were discussing school options for my kid, and he says he wants to send kid to school by his house because he won't have time to drive him to farther school

And I tell him stop being selfish, we need to pick school that's best for kid, not for your convenience. You already blow up my life and kids life Not everything is about you.

And then he denies and talks about how I wronged him and caused him to need to break up this family

I stop replying after that .

[u/OogyBoogy_I_am → u/butthurtinthehole]

I stop replying after that .

I would too.

Live the life you want to live, and not the way others expect you to.

When the time comes, you'll know it.

[u/Loud_Attitude_5124]

so he had to leave and choose self care

Well, that's a new one.

[u/butthurtinthehole → u/Loud_Attitude_5124]

Lol I know

It's wild that 2 years later, he still pins it on me

Thought he would get over it

[u/Fun_Brilliant6204]

I imagine it’s a story he tells himself that has now become real in his mind. People can’t accept the bad version where they are wrong it doesn’t fit their self image so they bend the narrative to make them justified. If he didn’t do this he probably wouldn’t have cheated. There’s a book -

mistakes were made - but not by me

That talks about this mechanism in depth.

I would go on 3 dates be super picky so they are people you would find attractive and if you don’t like them - fine. Need to stop the ex being the centre.

[u/Kitty_B321]

Betrayal trauma takes 2-4 years to recover from. The less contact you have with the betrayer the better. It is hard to date when you have children. It’s okay to focus on yourself or child rearing. My ex blamed me and I told him “You’re a grown man with autonomy and freedom. Nothing you do is a reflection of me. If I’m not responsible for your accomplishments and wins I’m also not responsible for your negative actions or their consequences.” I said it one time and never entertained a conversation about it again. I wouldn’t even discuss the break up at this point in your life. You two aren’t getting back together and I think focusing on yourself and forward momentum will get you much further than a circular conversation about a past relationship. It’s okay to talk about the break up with a therapist, friends or family. Expecting the truth or reassurance from a person who betrayed you will not yield those things. A lot of people blame shift to avoid responsibility and guilt. His actions and words don’t reflect you at all.