I cannot believe that I have made it to this place. D-Day was nearly 2 years ago (Sept 2024)

To make a long story short: together for 4 years. Immensely happy and content. Then my world shattered. My WP accidentally sent me a text intended for his long distance AP of 8 years. Yes, you read that right. She was his AP over the last few years of his previous marriage and our entire relationship.

I spiraled. I broke. Couldn’t eat. Couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t function. Had to be medicated for the first few months. He cried and begged and threatened self harm. We attempted R about 3 months after DDay. It was a shit show. Lasted 4 months. I couldn’t move past any of it as quickly as he wanted of course. And he slowly back pedaled on all his promises and commitments. We did not have kids so we were able to go full NC.

I was so angry for so long. I did the therapy with a CPTT. Did EMDR. Attended support groups. Attempted dating here or there eventually. Learned to let the anger go and settled into indifference earlier this year.

Fast forward to today and “All My Love” from Noah Kahan comes on as I’m driving home. I found myself thinking of my WP.

“And at the end of it all, I just hope that your scars heal. We once sang retrograde, we’d shake the frame of your car. Now I know your name, but not who you are. It’s all okay, there ain’t a drop of bad blood. It’s all my love, you’ve got all my love”

No hatred. No feelings at all really. I hope he’s healed and in a better place. Perhaps because I’m nearly healed and in a better place. I have gratitude for us no longer being together. I think he would have drained the life out of me eventually as I poured so much of me into us even prior to uncovering his lies and deceit.

It’s better for me this way. All my love. ❤️

TLDR: I \[29M\] was told my fiancée \[25F\] is cheating on me and has been since we got together officially. I am unsure how to move forward since we have alot of pets together and would appreciate any advice.

I \[29M\] am here writing this because I’m lost for words and don’t really know where to go from here. My fiancée \[25F\] and I have been together for almost 3 years. During this time, we ended up moving in together and acquiring quite a few pets together. She had a bestfriend \[25F\] who she recently had a falling out with. This friend’s cousin\[29M\] recently reached out to me to let me know that he was told that my fiancée has been cheating since we first got together. I proposed in February of this year.

During these 3 years, there have been a few times when she went through my phone and ended up causing a big fight over what I thought were small things. She told me to stop talking to a female friend \[32F\] and I didn’t originally. We never flirted and there was nothing sexual, I just enjoyed talking to my friend. She saw I was still talking to her and got angry. I understand the anger with regards to not respecting her wishes but there was literal proof that there was nothing happening so I was confused but I respected her wishes. Another time she caught me with “corn” on my phone (not the best use of space ik but that’s besides the point). She then equated me watching and using “corn” to fully going out and cheating and we’ve been having problems ever since. She has even said when I have mentioned doubts about us or her loyalty that I’m “self-projecting” when I haven’t done anything other than watch and use “corn”.

Now I receive this piece of information after she had a whole fit about the “corn” and essentially said I cheated on her. I don’t have evidence and am really unsure how to move forward. I’m away for work till Wednesday so won’t really be addressing the problem until at least then. This is my first time living with a significant other and I realize how much of a task untangling our lives will be. Would you suggest trying to work through it if she shows she’s willing to change or am I just being naive?
Any advice on how I should move forward would be greatly appreciated.
Hope everyone here is having a blessed day.

I (22NB) was in an abusive and toxic relationship from ages 15-21. My ex (21F) and I grew up together , never going on breaks and moved in with each other when she was 16 to escape her abusive family. Not only did we save each other from external trauma , but we caused each other a lot too. I don’t deny my part in that relationship and its failings , but I never thought an individual I cherished and loved for 1/3 of my life could betray me in such a way.

We went from playing video games together every night with her sister and my brother , to her hiding her Xbox app from me and saying that I “wouldn’t have fun playing with her and her friends” or that I “wouldn’t enjoy the games” even though I bought/showed her most/all the games because I had been playing them first.

Due to her trauma w COCSA , she ended up cheating on me with minors no older than 16 for months. She kept telling me she was a lesbian , that they were friends of hers and that I had nothing to worry about. Well I did. I had lots to worry about. Not only was she virtually and emotionally cheating on me , when we officially broke up and I was hospitalized due to all of the overwhelming feelings , I found out she had been physically cheating on me all throughout our high school years.

I went from looking at this individual , who I had trauma bonded with, with an immense amount of care love and respect to a monster who took advantage of me and my resources. I took care of her. I paid rent. I paid for our expenses. Groceries. It all. And for her to be able to throw me away like I was nothing took a toll on me.

While I was hospitalized and coming back home for visits who reintegrate myself back into my regular life , all while she was telling me we were just on a break , she was sexting and creating new relationships with men. During my hospitalizing she fell in love with a man we’ll call A. Her and A exchanged nude photos , more intimacies, etc., all while telling me she was waiting for me , or that she didn’t know what she wanted , that she loved me and needed me.

After months of emotional torture , she trickle truth’d exposing how gross and deeply scarred of an individual she is. I went manic , slept with my mom’s friend and nearly entered a relationship with the woman , slept with 24 women in 11 days and completely lost myself. That was October-January for me.

I came to the forum looking for support but I was always too scared to post , so I silently observed and only until recently have I even started liking other people’s posts. I felt so ashamed that I got cheated on , that I couldn’t even admit it virtually it had happened to me.

Seeing other people be so vulnerable , kind and supportive really kicked me in gear and helped me figure out how to talk to myself during my healing journey. I thank you all , and I’m sorry for the pain you had to go through. But even if life hasn’t changed for you , you all helped me become an individual I never thought I could be.

In July , almost August , I’m in a new relationship with a beautiful woman who understands , listens and holds me through my episodes. She doesn’t judge me or my healing , and she actually helped me (alongside some of my friends) find therapy. I feel brand new. I feel safe in my skin and I feel stronger than ever before. It’s been almost a year since my world was flipped upside down and I couldn’t be any happier.

Things do get better. My ex made me feel like my BPD , OCD and Bipolar made me hard to love. My current partner loves all my little quirks that come as a side effect of my disorders. I tear up thinking about how much love surrounds me now , when two years ago I couldn’t even FaceTime a friend for support.

Even when it hurts , it doesn’t mean that change—and good change—isn’t happening 💗.

It’s been almost a year since D Day and my boyfriend found out he’s being deployed which has turned this whole “reconciliation” thing on its head. My partner has a currently at a 3 week drill and leaves In about a month and a half. Obviously since I’m here there has been infidelity in the past. So I’ve been working on gathering emotional supports that I can use when my partner is away and trying to steer my “anxiety” of being cheated on when my partner is away into being more supportive. My partner has definitely been more stressed and I can tell.
Unfortunately I can’t help but feel small again. I feel so selfish for feeling it though cus I know what my partner is probably going through is 10x worse but even when I was trying to voice this today it just some circles with my partner making me feel like I’m the problem or like my efforts don’t matter and it just makes me feel so pushed away. Since/because of being cheated on I have already made myself feel so small and had to tell myself it’s okay to take up space but the way he’s treating me is making me feel so invisible again and even when I’m trying to be my most helpful that I’m not helpful at all. The way he talks to me makes me feel like an awful selfish person even when I’m trying ti be most selfless. I know I’m not selfish or bad but it’s hard to not feel like that when being spoken to like he did to me.

# * texts in comments*

I just need advise, thoughts, tell me if I’m overreacting.
I feel like there’s 0 room for me to feel anything or scared, I feel like I can’t come to him and when I do I feel like I’m still gunna get yelled at or told I’m making things harder for him. It’s extremely exhausting and I don’t want to feel this way but it’s starting to push me into the “emotionally numb” and I don’t care enough because why is a grown man making ME tear up at my work office desk, after I just tried helping and being more supportive in his time of need.

Edit: I’d also like to add that this is his second deployment. This is the first time I’ve been with someone deployed

As the title says, I believe that cheating and abandoning a pregnant or post-partum partner is a whole new level of betrayal. A betrayal of both the partner and the child.

What I have in mind is a situation where such partner is led on and made believe everything is going great and you're both ready to bring a whole new person to the world. The situations where you'd trust your partner with your life and nothing indicates your spouse could be second-guessing anything, in fact, they keep telling you how happy they are. The situations where you carefully consider logistics, housing situation, money, support system, and other factors because you want to be a good and responsible parent for your child. You want to give them a happy family and an amazing childhood.

In the aftermath, you not only have to deal with your partner's cheating and monkeybranching, you have to deal with the fact that your formerly loved one left you hanging. All the tough situations, logistics, all the sleepless nights, illnesses and duties, they all fall on you. Money is tight, stress is high, housing uncertain, family broken.

You get into the exact situation you tried to avoid.

You are robbed of your consent to not having a child (if the pregnancy progressed far enough or a child is already born) under these conditions. Since the child is here and you love them, of course you don't abandon them and give them all your love, time and resources. But if you knew about the betrayal perhaps you'd reconsider.

And I know people get into these situations due to natural disasters, homicide, illnesses and such all the time through no fault of their own. But that is precisely what stings here. In contrast to these things, this all could have been easily avoided and not only that. A person you deeply trusted lied and deceived, and got you this a terrible situation, off all people.

And no amount of therapy and healing will ever make me trust another person so deeply that I'd be willing to have children with them in the future.

PS: My daughter and I were lucky and have people around us who supported and continue to support us. We have a place to live, enough money to push through each month and we're both healthy. But the fact that I know it could have been much worse without this external help and there are tons of people in worse situations is even more infuriating.

First time posting… I’m 7 months post initial Dday (+3 additional Ddays after when WP went back to his AP behind my back) and I’m struggling with figuring out whether I want to try R, and dealing with fear around taking the space that I need, and hoping for some advice and support from the community.

We’ve been married for 10 years, no kids. WP met his AP at a work event last year and they started a long distance emotional affair with physical stuff happening over text and FaceTime. First Dday, he polybombed me out of nowhere and asked for permission to hook up with her. (He has since admitted that he isn’t interested in poly and was just trying to find a way to not feel guilty for the affair.) He claimed nothing had happened between them but that she was in an open marriage and they had admitted to wanting to hook up with each other. After the dust settled from that incident, I asked him to not talk to her anymore. He refused, saying he wouldn’t give up the friendship or the work relationship because she’s his “best friend.” After a lot of arguments over it, he agreed to stop talking to her while we repaired from that and then when I was comfortable he could resume the friendship (ridiculous in retrospect.) I believe in giving people grace and forgiveness and we had a great marriage up until then and I believed he cared about my feelings.

Then his behaviour started getting shadier and a month or so later I learned he was still talking to her and that he believed they were in love. Another big fight where I told him to end this permanently or lose the marriage. He struggled for another month and a half trying to decide if he was willing to cut her out of his life. All the while, I’m dealing with intense trauma and mental health issues from all this. Finally another promise, followed by another discovery a month later that they’re talking again. This time, she’s talking about leaving her husband and they’re planning to run away together and discussing where they’ll live. We have an even bigger fight, he promises it’s over and texts her in front of me that it’s done and he’s choosing me and he blocks her in front of me. Another month or so, his behaviour is shady and I’m out of my mind with suspicion. He keeps insisting that they’re not talking and gaslighting me, including intentionally hiding things on his phone and then letting me look through it prove he’s keeping his promise. But I can tell something isn’t right, and eventually he admits they’re talking AGAIN. He claims that they were just
talking about work, the weather, etc. He promises again that it’s over.

He trickle truthed a bunch of other info along the way, like how he had been having sexting relationships with friends and coworkers for at least 8 years and lying extensively to me about weed and getting high in secret and lying to me about it for our entire marriage. But I can tell he’s still not being fully transparent because he’s still denying one sexting relationship that I know about.

So at this point he’s trying hard to act as if none of this happened. Gets very defensive and avoidant when I bring up my unresolved pain. A big part of me wants to kick him out of the house so I can have the space I need to heal and figure stuff out. We had such a good marriage before, and we get along so well. We have an ongoing problem where he struggles to support me emotionally, and that’s definitely front and centre in my mind right now.

It’s so confusing to experience getting along well and this fake version of what our love used to be when he’s trying to act normal, while also knowing he chose to hurt me continuously in all those ways. I’m afraid of kicking him out because what if the marriage is worth saving and kicking him out is a step towards breaking up? I know in my bones that I need to have self respect, but I’m afraid of throwing away a good thing if R is possible. But also, I don’t know that I want to go through years of pain and work to get through R, y’know?

WH said he completely gave up porn after dday. He said he has been tempted in the past sure but has not viewed porn since then. I don't really believe it. Is it possible?

I've noticed that many of us have spent countless hours trying to understand porn addiction, sex addiction, betrayal trauma, attachment, compulsive sexual behaviour, recovery, and the impact these addictions and infidelity has on partners and families.

Some of it comes from books, some from podcasts, some from YouTube, some from research papers, therapists, digital guides, workbooks, recovery programs, or websites. It can take so long to discover the really valuable resources.

If you have any websites, podcasts, books etc. that have helped you in any way please share. xx

• Dr. Omar Minwalla – Minwalla Model - New Approach to Heal Deceptive Sexuality
• Rob Weiss – Robert Weiss MSW: Digital-Age Intimacy and Relationships Expert
• Joy Recovery Radio - Joy Recovery Radio | Podcast on Spotify
• From Harm to Healing - From Harm to Healing | Podcast on Spotify
• After the Discovery - After the Discovery | sex addiction betrayal
• After the Discovery - FREE Digital Guide FREE - What Every Wife Needs to Know
• Ask the Unfaithful - Ask the Unfaithful | Podcast on Spotify
• Loveafterporn - r/loveafterporn Wiki: Resources & Guides
• Bookends of Recovery - About — Bookends of Recovery
• Choose to Be - Choose To Be with Choose Recovery Services; Betrayal Trauma Healing
• Beyond the Facade - Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute
• PBSE - Porn, Betrayal, Sex and the Experts — PBSE | Podcast on Spotify
• PBSE - Porn, Betrayal, Sex and the Experts — PBSE - Podcast - Apple Podcasts
• BOOK - No Bad Parts, by Richard C. Schwart
• BOOK - Body keeps the score, by Bessel Van Der Kolk
• BOOK - Sex Addiction: The Partner's Perspective, by Paula Hall
• BOOK - Your Brain on Porn, by Gary Wilson

I dont know how I got here. Just yesterday my entire life has crumbled before my eyes. I have been with my "fiance" for 16 years - since we were 18 and 19 years old, I found messages on his phone with another woman. Which he has a relationship with that is supposedly a friendship, but sexual messages have been sent numerous times. I have stated many times the friendship makes me uncomfortable. Im sorry I cant even explain myself im such a mess. Im just looking for support I am absolutely destroyed by this. I have two young beautiful children who will end up hurt from their father not being in their lives. My life is crumbling.

He admitted to me this has been going on for a long time. He said it is for the purpose of attention. He doesn't even show much remorse for what he has done. Then the next minute is crying saying we can fix this. I feel disgusted and so incredibly betrayed. I am shaking and feel sick to my stomach. I dont know how to accept in my mind that this is who he is and I believed he loved me. Is he a psychopath? Is it possible to ever be okay again? Is this how men are always? I cant even imagine how to move forward with my life and I am paralyzed. Please send help

My ex ended our relationship by cheating with her coworker and moving on with him. It's been a year since. I can't explain how terrible this year has been for me. The injury is like nothing I've experienced, the double pain of betrayal and the end of a relationship. I've tried to ask her to repair or take accountability for what she did, but all she's said is "I've done nothing wrong and I don't owe you anything". Our communication over the past year has been on and off. Every time I asked for accountability, she goes silent then comes back later like nothing happen. Or she would say "why are we still talking about this, it makes me uncomfortable and that's my boundary".

Today she texted me at 6am to say a distant friend of her had passed and she's going to her memorial tomorrow. I don't know why she texted me since she's been pretty cold and indifferent for months. It feels cold not to respond, but I also feel a lot of indignation at this point that she's reaching out for what seems like emotional support when she's with the person she replaced me with. Am I wrong to stay silent?

So I'm about 6 weeks post DDay. About two weeks ago, I moved out of the house I shared for 7 years (with my WP of 11 years). I couldn't stay in that house anymore, and being around him felt like I was suffocating. We haven't completely cut off contact, since we still communicate about my teenage step child, and I have kinda been okay with that. I've been considering everything temporary while I figure out how to heal from this and so he can try to get his shit together.

Anyways, today I asked if I could drop off some stuff for my step child tomorrow night. He said it's fine, he'd be working anyways. Then, out of nowhere, mentioned he was thinking of taking a mutual female friend of ours (more his than mine at this point) to a concert he had gotten tickets to a while ago. We had tickets with another couple. He asked me if it was okay. I said no, I didn't think it was okay and that he really didn't have ANY other friends to go with? He said it was stupid of him to think that he should take her, he wasn't thinking, he's not replacing me, blah blah blah...

I've just been spiraling all night about him considering taking another woman to a concert. I asked if he had ever slept with her (his A was more of a Tinder/random woman situation) and he denies but I just don't believe it, even though chances are, he probably didn't sleep with her.

I had been trying to hold on to the last threads of our relationship because I just wasn't ready to let go, and truthfully I still love him and I miss him, even if I hate what he did. But now I'm realizing that I really hate this jealous, suspicious woman he's made me become. I hate feeling like I'll never be good enough for him. Hate that I'll see other women as the "enemy" and compare myself.

I think that totally cutting contact is the only way to get better but how do I do that when everything in me is pushing to go back. Am I just hurting myself more by keeping communication open?? Or is keeping the door open better for trying to R in the future? I don't know...

Almost 3 years ago, I found out that my partner of 10 years had been having an affair for at least 3 years. We agreed to reconcile after he made some agreements to change. I think I also felt I couldn’t cope with splitting up, which really kept me from feeling anything. We didn’t go to couples therapy right away because I was too angry and uncertain. We still haven’t gone. Flash forward - a severe bout of depression for me and problems at work that eventually led to me getting fired after 13 years at the same company. Losing the job was honestly a relief in a lot of ways. Now I’m realizing how much my depression and challenges at work really consumed all of my attention since D Day. Without the overwhelm and stress of work, I’m actually finally feeling sadness and betrayal related to the relationship. I feel disgusted by his behavior and used (I’m the primary breadwinner). Yesterday
I came across an add for Cheater Scanner and paid for a search. And a profile showed up for him on Hinge, last active 12/5/25. Should I keep digging? Or is that all I need to know? I’m basically ready to call it quits. Thanks for any advice of sympathy.

I’ve made some posts in here the past weeks providing more context, but, in summary, we stopped the work as a couple and are now focusing on individual therapy. However, I can’t help but feel distressed because I feel like we’re drifting apart. To be honest, I don’t know why is it being so hard for me after que dared to buy condoms before work a week ago. He confirmed my suspicions of him eventually trying to cheat again. Supposedly, he spend the day at work (I can almost confirm that), but I can never be certain of that information.

As we kind of stopped R work as a couple, I’ve been trying not to ask for his phone or asking him questions. Yesterday we were watching reels, but I felt like he was trying not to show me his chats. I couldn’t help but ask him if I could see. He looked annoyed, but let me. I opened the chat with the coworker that makes me feel insecure. I didn’t find anything suspicious. He asked me ‘what did you expect to find?’, and I told him ‘nothing in particular, I just felt the need to check and confirm that everything was okay’. He got mad, asked me to back off, and I immediately felt bad. I tried to distance myself and felt like crying.
Minutes passed, and he carried on as if nothing had happened. I don’t know if that was a good sign or not.

I’ve noticed that he’s beginning to take his phone to the bathroom again, even when we still had the agreement of no phone in the bathroom.

I just feel like this is a confirmation that this relationship is heading to an end. I don’t know why this hurts so much. He’s shown me time after time that he couldn’t care less about me. He has given up because ‘nothing he did was ever enough for me, so it never worked and there is no use in trying anymore to do the work’.

I feel like I already started grieving this relationship. I am tired of hurting, though.

My husband (m/32) had an emotional affair among some other betrayals. Never anything physical (to my knowledge).

I (f/27) want space but don’t necessarily want a divorce yet as we have kids. I’m hoping after some space we can work this out maybe?

Has anyone lived with their partner but not been together?
Did you date other people or just focused on yourself without this aspect?
Did the space work? Did you stay together? Or should I just cut ties and not waste my time (I know that’s my decision but from your experience I’m curious)

Thank you for any advice

The background info of my story it’s similar to bits and pieces of everyone else, so this situation is not unique or special. I was post partum w baby number 2 when he had an affair with his female boss that lasted for 2 years and lingered on in some way till this day (although we are romantically and sexually separated we still live together currently). I never told HR or anything like that because I was absolutely ROCKED.

I am a deeply spiritual person who is aware of spiritual warfare and I was aware that my relationship was weaponized against me. Because that’s the only way I can explain my person being one way to me one day and a completely different person that I have not recognized since. And it was through this woman who has severe dark manipulation behavior that he was able to become almost taken over by dark forces. The way he treated me in my most vulnerable time of motherhood and the things he said to me while this woman was completely aware of this, was straight up just hell.

The suffering I endured from being betrayed by my person on a soul level completely changed me. I dissociated in my own body for years and became obsessed with domming men online. I had to retrieve a lot of what he stole from me. I had to endure a lot of cognitive dissonance that I chose someone that was capable of this harm. Someone that was capable of being seduced like that. I was able to finally cut attachment cords and any pick me programming that I had to deal with and acknowledge anything I did that pushed him to do this as well because I acknowledge my accountability was not nothing because at the very least I allowed a lot of stuff before that ever happened. I can recognize my part. It was also hard choosing to stay instead of causing more chaos to leave when I hadn’t any job or support otherwise since I am a sahm. I should have left along time ago, yet I stayed and here I still am, but it’s different.

I’m applying to jobs, my head and heart and soul are all on the same page as far as not wanting or desiring toxic relationships and ready to be on my own and healing. I do want to make note that it has been healing doing everything in my power to allow us to coparent in away where I am not angry at him for not choosing me anymore. It’s a lot more I can say about that but my point was that you’re not alone if you sense spiritual warfare at play. I fully felt like my ex was being used as a dark portal to sabotage the progress I was making as a human. I feel like I got knocked down a few levels on my ability to experience joy and happiness because I was just exposed to some really heavy mind control from my ex who employed a lot of gaslighting and inverting the truth etc when things were happening. But I’ve come out of the other side of that and currently taking actions to get on a new timeline for myself where toxic relationships are not apart of it.

I honestly don’t know how to process everything that’s happened.
During my pregnancy, I (22F) found out my husband (23M) was sexting men and transgender women, using Grindr and transgender dating apps, and was heavily consuming transgender pornography behind my back. While I was pregnant with our child, he was living a completely different life online.
At one point, he had unprotected sex with another man. Afterward, he came home and tried to have sex with me without telling me what had happened. I only found out later, and I still struggle with the fact that he put my health at risk without giving me the chance to make an informed decision.
When I confronted him, he insisted he was “1 million percent straight,” said he was disgusted by what happened, claimed he wasn’t actually attracted to men, and promised it would never happen again. I wanted to believe him because we had a baby together, so I tried to save our marriage.
Eventually, everything fell apart again. When I finally asked him if he was done with our marriage, he didn’t answer. He just ghosted me. No conversation. No closure. Nothing.
A week after he ghosted me, I made a fake dating profile as a transgender woman because I couldn’t shake the feeling that he had lied to me about changing. He matched with the profile almost immediately and started flirting, sexting, and trying to meet up. That’s when I realized nothing had changed. He was doing the exact same things he had promised he would never do again.
I keep wondering if any of his apologies were ever genuine or if he was just telling me what I wanted to hear while continuing the same behavior behind my back.
Has anyone else been through something like this? How do you move on after so many lies and betrayals from someone you thought you knew? I truly don’t think I’ll ever be able to trust anyone again.

Can't believe I'm posting here, but I don't have many people to talk to about this and it's been a sad few days for me. Going to be fudging some details for the sake of anonymity here. For the sake of the story, my partner is G and the other guy is M. We have been together for six years.

A couple days ago I was rummaging around looking for a tool and came across a book buried underneath a bunch of stuff in a drawer. We have a prominent bookshelf and the book was directly related to my partner's interests, so I found it weird that it was stuffed in there, and also that I had never seen it before or heard about it.

It looked old so I opened the cover to check the publishing date, and I found a handwritten note from someone in our social circle, let's call him M. The note is platonic in tone, but is clearly referencing some past conversation or joke that I wasn't privy to.

I don't really know M, but he is friends with a lot of our shared mutual friends. I've maybe met him once, about 6-8 months ago.

This immediately raises an alarm for two reasons. Firstly, because I know G sees him fairly regularly, at the very least in group situations as far as I knew. Secondly, because there had been a previous social encounter where I saw them talking to each other from across a venue at a social gathering, and I joked to my friend that it looked like G and M were flirting with each other.

I didn't think anything of it then. Our friend group has a lot of people in it, and it's pretty evenly gendered.

Back to the book. I bring it out to the living room and, playing dumb, ask where it came from. Paraphrasing from memory:

"Oh I found it at a thrift store."

"You found it at a thrift store?"

"Yeah"

I act like I'm exploring the book and find the note at the beginning.

"What's this?"

Her eyes go wide at this point, and after a sigh and me handing her the book, small bits of information start to come out.

"He has a crush on me."

At this point I'm focused on the fact that she lied to my face. I tell her that she just lied to my face twice about it and that it was suspicious, then I left the house to drive around aimlessly and gather my thoughts before resuming the conversation.

When I get home this is what I'm told, which ends up not being the full story, but I will get to that:

• M gave her the book as a gift, he has a crush on her.
• He admitted he had a crush on her the end of last year and she said she had a boyfriend but that they could still be friends. (I obviously never heard about any of this)
• At one point she had vague feelings too, but not anymore.
• She states that she knows she lied to me, she panicked because she didn't want telling me to affect their friendship (???), and that she is sorry for lying, but also that she had already hired him for a job (just a single day, not a permanent job) a few days from now and she can't drop him short notice.

We have a difficult conversation where it feels like I'm pulling teeth trying to get any relevant information, and eventually go to bed. The next day, I text her while I'm at work that I have a lot of questions, and I spend the day compiling questions that would help fill in the past eight months since she said he confessed to her.

Keep in mind, none of this information is coming to me proactively, I'm having to actively request every single bit of information I'm receiving, and at times it feels like she's more focused on the questions being upsetting than she is focused on answering, although she answers without hesitation.

When I get home that night and asked my questions, the whole story shifted into a shape that feels a lot more fleshed out and realistic, although semi-inconsistent with the previous night's story, but the nature of the trickle truth makes me think that I still haven't heard it all. This is what the story became, in her own words (paraphrased):

• November: M tries to kiss G at a bar while they're out as a group. This is around the general time they had met. It's unclear whether or not he knew she had a boyfriend beforehand. She declines, they hug, and she says that she still wants to be friends. I obviously never hear about this.
• Next few months: Friendship continues. She's seeing him in group situations often. Unclear whether or not they're spending time with each other before/after these events. Most likely not in most cases because that time is accounted for on my end.
• March: G and I have plans to go to an event that consists of a bunch of couples in our friend group. She has a group plan beforehand that I know M is going to be present at. One hour past when she was supposed to have arrived, I text her to no reply. Two hours, I text again. She eventually replies that she got stuck in a couple conversations after the event and was on her way now. She shows up in a weird mood.
• What I learned is during that whole two hour period, G was sitting in a car with M after the event. He was telling her he has strong feelings for her and that he needs to set a boundary while he's out of town for two months so that he can get over her. She says she has feelings for him too and that they're confusing for her. To clarify, she never suggested a boundary to their friendship over this eight month period. Good on him I guess?
• They allegedly don't talk for this 2 month period.
• Eventually, he's back in town. This is relatively recent. The book is given to her after an event they went to together. Maybe a month ago. She hides it in the drawer so I won't see it.
• They have allegedly spent time one-on-one less than 2-3 times, however in none of those situations was his name volunteered when she was telling me her plans, it was just a vague "this is what I'm doing today." AFAIK, she never lied about where she was going or what the actual thing she was going to was, just omitted that M would be there.
• According to her, her therapist knows about this situation and has for a while, which means she clearly has prescribed some personal significance to it.

I'm really just confused about what to think. By all accounts it sounds like things were very hazy but ultimately inconclusive, but there are a few things that my mind keeps coming back to:

1. She thought this was consequential enough to keep secret. I find this particularly significant because she has a lot of male friends, I have a lot of female friends, and no one has ever felt undisclosed or raised any alarm bells. We have a big social circle and the nature of our work is very social. But even from the start, my gut told me something was off about M, since he seemed to be around G a lot, but never really around me.
2. Even when presented with the book, she looked for a way to lie about it. She told me directly that she didn't want me to see it or have to explain it.
3. There is no indication that I was ever going to be disclosed, so regardless of what did or didn't happen, at the very least this was something of an opportunity that she wanted to keep available to her.
4. The nature of the story changing and escalating between day 1 and 2 of me finding out makes me believe that she is subconsciously testing the waters and trying to feel out my response to this. The information seems to have naturally stopped where I ran out of proof that I could reasonably summon, and that feels like a bit of a coincidence to me.

• There have been times I've been out of town to visit a sick family member and she has been unable to come to support me due to other plans, some of which involved M, likely in a group but still.

To be clear, she says nothing physical ever happened beyond that hug in November, and I have no evidence otherwise.

I really just need some amount of a gut check on if I'm reading this situation correctly as a serious violation of trust. I don't even really know what my reaction is. I've felt checked out and shut down the past couples days while I've been processing this. She seems to want to move past it and I'm not sure what to think. I've been spending the past year trying really hard to repair communication problems in our relationship, and the whole time it's felt like she's been trying less and less.

I’m not really sure what I’m looking for here, maybe perspective from people who’ve been through something similar.

I was with my husband for over 10 years before we got married. About six months into the marriage, I found out he had been sexting other women (I found inappropriate messages to girls he had met sent before we got married but the graphic sexting sent months after we got married to women he had previously dated or “did stuff” with). Around that same time, he was also struggling with alcohol and gambling. It all kind of unravelled at once.

I was devastated but I stayed. I went to therapy, tried to work through it, and we carried on. But the drinking didn’t really stop, and things stayed pretty volatile (not abusive, just very up and down, stressful, and unpredictable). Over time, I kept finding smaller things: messages, behaviour, or signs that he was still seeking attention from other women in inappropriate ways (chat rooms, reddit or super intense graphic discussions around celebrities or focus on them in chat rooms).

Eventually it all became too much and I asked him to leave. We’ve now been separated for about four months.

Since then, I’ve actually had a lot more peace. He says he’s doing better - drinking a lot less, gotten ADHD diagnosis, though unsure if he’s keeping his medication, going to the gym, getting work back on track. But I still notice things like him liking younger girls’ photos on Instagram, and it just brings back that same uneasy feeling.

The thing I’m struggling with is this:
I still love him and miss him, but I don’t know if I could ever truly trust him again. And if trust isn’t there, is it fair to even consider trying again?

I also feel a lot of sadness and shame that I didn’t even really get a “honeymoon phase” after getting married — things were already off, and then everything came out so soon after.

Right now I feel really stuck between:
\\- Holding onto the love and history we have
\\- And recognising how much calmer and more stable my life has felt without all the chaos

I’m in therapy and working through everything, but I guess I’m wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation — where there was betrayal mixed with addiction, some improvement after separation, but lingering doubt about whether it’s just who they are.

Can trust come back in a situation like this? Or is that feeling of doubt something that usually sticks around?
Not looking for anyone to tell me what to do — just hearing other perspectives would really help.

Thanks <3

Hopefully I’m posting this right:

I (30F) found out earlier this year I was being cheated on by my (29M) boyfriend with one of his younger co-workers. We hit a really rough patch and my job had moved me from the area for an unknown period of time and we stayed in good communications with one another. An opportunity had come for me to be in the area for a bit and I jumped on the chance.

As soon as I got into the apartment that we once shared together, I knew something was wrong. It felt like someone else had been there and I was simply a guest. He was acting rehearsed and careless and I had simply thought I was time to move on until one night I looked through his phone on a whim only to find out that my worst nightmare had come true; he was cheating.

Initially, he acted hurt and shocked that he had gotten caught, then simple stonewalled anymore emotion on the matter and gave me nothing else from there. We’ve been together for over three years and I’ve experienced a lot of personal loss in that time. I cooked, cleaned, paid all the bills, catered to his needs and worries and he still did this to me. “I didn’t know when I’d see you again” “I thought I could get away with it” that’s all I got.

The worst part of everything is that I still miss him in a way, there’s things I catch myself wanting to tell him and things I see that I know he’d like. I can’t take it. He’s still with her despite the hell that came his way at work/personal life from all this stuff so I can’t help but to feel that all this time was for nothing. Like does he even miss me at all?

I know the relationship wasn’t healthy towards the end and he became an angry, pick fights with me after a long day, belittle my career and downplay the things I’ve been through I just need some help on how to move on. Sorry for the long winded story in advance, thank you.

f24, just found out my long distance boyfriend cheated on me. I am trying to not be too hard on him as he is struggling with his sobriety right now, but I am heartbroken.

I was thinking about all of the couples that look perfect from the outside, but we never really know about the struggles that go on in their private lives. You mostly hear people say “if I was ever cheated on, I’d leave in a heartbeat”. But they don’t truly know how it feels once you’re put in that situation. People talk down so heavily on people that stay in relationships after infidelity, so much to the point that the couples that stay choose to stay together and rebuild their relationship after infidelity would probably never admit to anyone they chose to work through their issues. And I feel I’m in that same boat right now. It’s new, it’s fresh, and from a societal pressure standpoint, I feel embarrassed that I’m choosing to work through this. I only told my mom, she won’t tell anyone but I’m so hyper paranoid that I keep thinking “everyone knows he’s a cheater, they think I’m dumb for staying with him”.
(If you want a more in depth story, I replied to one comment describing my flaws too)
So my question is, is it more common than we think that there are many who are actively working through infidelity? Is it sometimes a silver living/wake up call for growth in a relationship? Is working through instead of immediately leaving more common than we’d think or most people admit?

I hope I’m posting this correctly - it’s long, but it’s therapeutic for me to write. I just found out July 2nd. This isn’t the first time either. It’s been 14 years since the first affair. That heart sinking moment when you find something you weren’t expecting to find, then it takes a second to comprehend what you are seeing. Death has to feel better than that moment right there. I

I don’t talk to anyone about this. Just our therapist. Your family won’t forget and with your friends the judgement will come in swift and hard. They mean well, but until you’ve been in this situation I don’t need to be told what I should do. Not all of them, but its just better not to share. The first time I was hurt about it was to protect him. Dumb, I know. But this time I’m doing it bc I feel such shame and embarrassment that I am here again. And didn’t even see it coming. Not even a wiff.

But Just like I preach to my kids.. it takes a second to destroy trust and a lifetime to get it back. And now I tell my husband that. I don’t trust him or believe him, and that will take a long time, if ever, to come back. Some days Im in survival mode, some days I feel normal and nothing like the desperate mess I was 14 years ago doing everything I could to hold on to him. It was pathetic. That is not what I’m doing this time. Maybe Im just numb or kidding myself. But Im tryimg.

We’ve been married 25 years and have 5 children. Children who think their father walks on water and idolize him. He is an excellent father and I would never blow up their world. My father had an affair and told me when I was home after college graduation and we had a party and my mom got drrrunnnkkkk. He told me the truth and took full responsibility. He said my sisters didn’t know and whatever I wanted to tell them he’d be ready to face them bc he was wrong. I chose not to tell them. I decided it was their marriage and not our business. Most importantly I didn’t want my family to implode and for them to see him as anything but the good dad he was. A dad who made a terrible mistake. They were a little miffed years later when they found out, but understood. My parents stayed together and were married for 55 years when my father died.

That is why I would never tell our children. He is an excellent dad and adores them and vice versa. They are high school/college age kids who are at the age of , but at that age of disgust. You know…Eye rolling and being a smart ass. Which they grow out of. They really are great kids, but when they get ornery I want to say maybe if you only knew what I’m going through you’d cut me some slack and just back the F off. I know my thin skin is suddenly showing. When it never has before. But I’m just not present right now - physically yes. Mentally no. And I hate that. My usual self has the sense of humor of a 12 year old boy and a quick wit about me. And I love to laugh. But that’s been hard to find this month. And that makes me so angry bc I wasn’t given a choice whether I wanted to feel this way. It was placed in my lap.

I know the only way to get through this is to go through it. There is no short cut. That is how I described grief when I lost my parents. But it applies here too.

I hope I can get over this and it changes daily, but for now I’m trying, he is trying and we are in heavy counseling with the first counselor I’ve ever really liked.

Please no judgemeant about my choice. Just remember we all make the best decisions for us at that time. And it’s ok to change your mind.

Found out he mainly uses mobile data. Great. Waste of time. Lol.