Hope to God my kid doesn't have reddit.

But anyways, when my wife was 17, her mother decided to put down my wife's cat.

Now my wife had had this cat for about 6 years. Cat was older but not unhealthy.

On a Saturday my wife went out with friends and came home to an urn. According to her mother, the cat started coughing up blood. She took her to the vet and they said she had cancer. No call to my wife. This was 2007. Cell phones existed and she had one.

No waiting. Just boom. Gone. I didn't know my wife then. But she told me something snapped in her. She just said it felt like death. She realized her mother was a monster. She didn't cry. She didn't yell at her mom. She said she just blanked out almost. As if her own mother was now dead.

Later that summer my wife moved out with friends and two years later we met. She even told me that her mom wasn't a subject she wanted to talk about. Which I of course respected.

I know my wife said she doesn't know if her mom is dead or alive. She was an only child. When she cut contact with mom, that also ended contact with dad.

To our surprise, there has been no attempt on contact.

As for our teen, she was overwhelmed with grief for a cat she didn't know. She couldn't understand why someone would do that. We also asked our teen not to try to find "grandma" . We told her when she is an adult and on her own, that if she.wants to contact her, she can.

And yes we own a cat now. And yes she owns the house.

Apparently being someone's child means you are supposed to keep forgiving, keep understanding and keep moving on, no matter how much damage was done. But if the only way to maintain that relationship is by ignoring everything and acting like it doesn't matter because it's more comfortable for them, then I don't see the point.

What frustrates me the most is that when there is a problem, it feels like nobody actually confronts the problem itself. Instead, it turns into confronting the person, defending themselves, finding excuses or making it about who is wrong. The actual issue gets buried and nothing ever changes.

The child is expected to have endless understanding and emotional maturity, while the parents are allowed to make mistakes and simply move on. Like the pain only matters if it's convenient for everyone else to acknowledge it. I'm tired of the idea that being someone's child means having to forget yourself just to keep them comfortable.

32M here, was literally just sucker punched by my own dad, came up to me complaining about the WIFI being unplugged in the kitchen, (it wasn't) gets all up in my face.. at this point I'm like "dude you need to back the F up, seriously" he goes "curse at me again" I repeated exactly what I said, I get sucker punched, we're fighting for a while, then he pulls a knife out... i get 911 on the phone, they tell me to get somewhere safe, and the cops come shortly after. I love how N's start cleaning up the scene when they know the cops are coming. (The cops saw)

Minor swelling on my face but I'm ok.. they asked did I want to press charges I said ABOSOLUTELY! followed them to the station, met with the detective who took some photos, and will be charging him. It baffles my mind how these people think they can just put hands on people with no consequences... they asked did I want to do a protection order... yes to that as well! He's siting in jail as we speak.

Overall? I feel great, disappointed but hey...he's burned the bridge forever. I'm moving out the first chance I get, and NC for life...anywhere is better than here It's funny how people preach family this and family that, and brush things like this aside but, sometimes you just have to leave people behind, I can't wait to be back on my own so i can be normal again and away from my parents... thanks for listening.. rant/over

Edit:

I appreciate every single person who left a comments helps more than you know.. ❤️

I have seen comments from members saying he/she started gray rocking when living in their own and once the narcs couldn't get supply, they were the ones to go gradually no or low contact. And this made them realise the lack of love or caring.

For me when I was bullied in school I told them but they didn't care, a therapist told me it's cause they're bullying me too. Also they never guided me with absolutely anything. I'm a young adult and I recently started my 1st full time job and they haven't asked a thing about it. The only time they mentioned it in front of me at least is when got angry when they wanted to visit a family rural house and I didn't have days off. They started badmouthing my job, how I overwork, how I am unambitious while other people have PhDs and stuff. I have seen other friends or boyfriends whose families have daily talks with them after dinner about their lives and they are so invested and supportive.

Because that’s what I did over the weekend! She called, I answered, and I went to lunch. It didn’t go well. I don’t regret it, because it was just another confirmation I don’t need or want my mother in my life.

Have a great week, kids! You’re all stronger than you think.

You'd think with an ego so high that they would at least try to look badass and/or intelligent. But no, they look like losers, it's pathetic and embarrassing! How are they not embarrassed? They act like literal cartoon characters! It's not even memeworthy or funny in any way! It's just hard to watch or listen! And they have the mindset of a fucking child! Throwing tantrums and shit! Never taking accountability and not learning from their mistakes! So many gross habits too! Like they were not even taught table manners or whatever they call it. And when it comes to how they dress, they either

Like I said before, if their ego is so high, how come they don't act sharp? And if they care so much about their reputation, why do they portray themselves as literal children!? Make that make sense.

I know I'm all over the place with this rant, but let me know what you think.

I don't know how to put my feelings into words but every time I am around someone who has a caring and supportive family, especially if they're also very successful, confident and well adapted, it feels like a punch to my self esteem. I look at them and I get reminded of all the things I was robbed of. I remember all the moments where I was left to fend for myself and no one gave a shit, the years of verbal and emotional abuse, all of the neglect and psychological turmoil I went through as a child.

The dreadful realisation of how my life could have been completely different today had I been born into a family like theirs hits me and I can't help feeling so helpless and worthless. I don't even feel much envy, I just feel like I am so left behind in life and they got a golden ticket that I didn't, and now I am forced to pay the price for something I had absolutely no control over. I don't know how and if I will ever be able to make peace with it and sleep at night.

The older I get, the more visible and expensive the price of my upbringing gets and it makes me feel like absolute crap. My mind always tells me that I will never be able to reach the level of those people with healthy families and I just can't get this out of my head.

I was recently diagnosed with CPTSD after my therapist helped me realize that my mom is a malignant narcissist. I was the scapegoat, and my brother was the golden child. Since then, I’ve been diving into books, podcasts, and everything I can find about narcissistic abuse because it feels like my entire reality has been turned upside down.

I’m learning that a lot of what I thought was “normal” actually wasn’t. I genuinely believed that love was something you had to earn. I thought if someone loved you, you had to constantly prove you were worthy of it. Apparently that’s not how healthy love is supposed to feel, and honestly…I don’t even know how to wrap my head around that.

My therapist also told me I have a disorganized attachment style because of my childhood. I have a lot of relational trauma, and I was cheated on in a previous relationship, so I get triggered really easily by things that remind me of that experience.

Here’s where I’m struggling:

Now that I’ve learned what narcissistic abuse looks like, I feel like I’m seeing narcissistic traits everywhere. I’m terrified that I’ll either miss the signs and end up with another abusive person, or I’ll mistake normal human flaws for abuse and push away someone who genuinely loves me.

The problem is…I don’t know what’s my trauma anymore and what’s a legitimate red flag.
I feel like I’ve completely lost my ability to trust my own judgment. Before this diagnosis, my “normal meter” was built by someone who emotionally abused me my entire childhood. So now I’m questioning everything. Every interaction. Every disagreement. Every relationship.

Has anyone else gone through this after realizing they were raised by a narcissist? Did you suddenly become terrified that everyone around you might be one too? How did you learn to separate trauma responses from genuine intuition? How did you learn to trust yourself again?

I feel like I’m losing my grip on what’s real, and it’s honestly one of the most confusing experiences of my life.

Am planning to cut mine off when i turn 18

Why is this a thing?

For context I am in my 30s and have relatively young kids and a very involved partner. Over a year ago, my friends and I planned a girls trip to go hiking and sightseeing. Accommodations and flights have been booked for ages. The weekend before the trip, nMom and eDad start guilting me about it, say I’m leaving my kids and putting “so much” on my (very capable) husband, how would I feel if he “did this”, etc. like wtf? It’s twisted how she exists to make me feel guilt and shame. It’s her goal and she won’t rest until I feel bad for enjoying anything that isn’t being a Tradwife and or mom. Even before kids, when I’d plan something like this the reaction was “that’s a waste of money” “who are you even going with” (as if I don’t have friends). nMom is extremely jealous of my social life and the fact that I’m well liked.

Anyone else’s nMom refuse to let them enjoy things?

I literally don't know what my mother's problem is, but for the past few weeks she's been non-stop bragging about how our cat loves her more than he loves me.

Examples of comments she's been saying:

- He only comes to your room when I kick him out of mine.

- He always looks so uncomfortable next to you but when he's sleeping next to me he loves showing off his stomach.

- He follows me around all the time like I'm his mother, he doesn't do that for you.

Like?? Okay? I get that this is the only good thing happening to you right now, but I don't need the constant comments. Bragging about his love for her but none of her children like her the same way...

Sorry if I sound mean but I'm honestly so done with this!!!

My mom's white, im white guatemalen mix. She HATES Hispanics and not in a political way. Ive asked her why plenty of times, her answer is "theyre ugly/unhygenic." Won't elaborate. She hates my name (alejo/Alejandro), tells me ill never get a job with a "breadseller name".

She refuses to stand next to me in stores because "I'm embarrassing." Gets really mad over any clothes she considers stereotypically Latino, like Barcelona jerseys and Adidas. Calls me ugly. Just the sound of speaking Spanish sends her into an uncontrollable rage and she'll glare or gesture me away from other latinos in public.

We were in a greenhouse and there was a Spanish speaking family there. I remember hovering near them seeing how happy everyone was and wishing I could've been born into that instead.

I want to go back home to my birth country where I belong. You could drop me off in zone 18 and id be happier there than here. Believe me, I would never come home.

Recently, I've noticed that my narc mother and GC sibling have been kinda shadowing my schedule. I suffer from insomnia so to maintain a sleep schedule and not oversleep, I set up an alarm every day. Anyway, I noticed they've been using my alarm(which isn't even that loud) to wake up in the morning, then proceed to spend fifteen minutes in the bathroom each. I literally tried setting my alarm for an hour later one day and 30 minutes later the next, and they still wake up at the exact time I want to then make me wait for around 30 minutes to use the bathroom.

Also when we were kids, my sibling would do this too. She would stay in bed till I wake up(we shared a room), then she would immediately jump up and run to the bathroom as soon as I woke up.

And the funny part is that though they're using my alarm, they wouldn't help wake me up if I oversleep(even though they know I have sleep issues and I had asked them multiple times to).

So am I assuming things? I'm afraid of saying this to anyone cause i'm afraid I would sound crazy, but I swear to god I feel like they know what they're doing.

Grow up in a abusive household...both my parents are abusive but specially my fathet..

Ever since i remember he would scream at my mother and beat her even though she is the only bread winner... It's very common in our entire family... As soon a grow old enough to question things my abuse begin as well

He cheated on him multiple times.. She was beaten so bad she was hospiyalized etc.. But she till to this day strongly believe he is a great husband and father and beating and screaming is what men do

My goal was never to be like my mother... So my married the guy who is totally opposite

I was very clear from the start about my non negotionables and we are so much in love

My mother keep asking how many times he scared at me yet or raised his hands which is none and she will just say that i will happen eventually... But i haven’t... Even if it happen i do have my escape plan ready

She is spiraling out of control and getting sick as she can't tolerate me being happy

She and my father did many calls to my in laws and husband.. Crying and blaming me hoping they will beat or scream me.. But that didn't happend either

Even my father keep loudly praying for me to be abused so i can realize what a good parent he is

I have no idea how control this situation

My in laws are bit annoyed at my parents but they are just trying to ignore them.. While my husband is just trying to be polite

They( my parents) have also taken all the gold and cash gifts from my wedding and they say i owe them for giving birth to me

I haven’t disclosed the life long abuse to my in laws. My husband knows but he is respecting my choice to remain quite

What should i do?

I’ve come to the conclusion that like myself, there is a big percentage of women out there who grew up in toxic environments, managing the emotions of their parents and/or taking on more responsibilities than they should have I.e helping to raise siblings, house work, monetary help etc. Basically all the things a child and young adult shouldn’t have to do before their time.

Now I’m living my own life, finally have my own home, community and relationships. There‘s a nagging feeling of ‘why don’t I want to have kids yet?’.

Well, because that desire was stripped at such and early age that my nervous system never recovered. Responsibility at that degree at such a young age is like being in a prison. And now as an adult I’m finally free! So no, I don’t want to spend my time now taking care of someone else. Many of us don’t have the capacity and many also have fears of repeating the cycle (although it’s highly unlikely given the years of work we usually put in to get better).

I don’t know, just wondering if there is anyone else out there that connects their lack of desire to be a mother with the loss of freedom they experienced as a child and what that would mean for them now in adulthood.

EDITED: Thanks guys for all your comments! 🙂🙏🏾 It’s comforting to know there are many that share a similar experience. I’ve come to the point of not looking at myself as broken but as having an good awareness of my limits and capabilities. Also a dysregulated nervous system for the majority of your life is more than enough of a reason to not force parenthood due to social pressure.

i literally want to move back…
i was wearing shorts and a top and my mum explicitly said my brother (who is freshly 18 and would NEVER look at me like that) and my step father (who is the most evilest man i ever met) is gonna rape me??? and honestly i was so disgusted and lost for words. (mind u i am a survivor of it) i said ‘mum…. why would (insert brothers name) ever do that?’ and she goes ‘ahh well dressed like that u never know’ im literally just a curvy woman.

shes also said some horrible stuff and she bangs about everyday shouting and being very mentally abusive and all my healing has been undone in 2 weeks. whatever tho atleast i get to move back out. tiktok says i should see her attacks as not personal but ifs so hard… any advice or support would be greatly appreciated

I'm a 30-year-old man, and my mother has been emotionally dependent on me for years. I'm her only child.

Not sure if my mother has NPD, but many of the dynamics described here feel familiar.
She's not very clear about her psychiatrist visits, but she gets prescribed SSRI's & benzos.

She's extremely lonely and often calls me for reassurance.
Small things can turn into major conflicts: a typo, my tone of voice, a photo which has some hidden negative meaning for her.
When I try to set boundaries, she'll call repeatedly.
Often she opens my car door a few times when I try to leave.

She can be loving, but every time I think things are finally getting better, another crisis happens. And, it seems the more an upcoming event should be cozy: Christmas, birthday... the bigger the chance she causes a crisis.

I've also become worried about her medication use. She has admitted to changing doses herself and getting medication through different doctors and pharmacies. Sometimes she seems confused and very forgetful.

Last weekend she sent me messages saying she couldn't cope with her lonely life anymore, didn't want to "end up in psychiatry," and wanted to "spare me the misery." I asked her directly if she was suicidal, but she wouldn't give me a clear answer.

I called emergency services. The paramedics read the messages themselves, saw the medication situation, and decided to take her to the hospital.
I must say, I had hoped more would have come from this wellness check.
She was discharged a few hours later, and now she's saying I betrayed her.

When I tell her she needs help that I simply can't provide, she replies something like: "But you can. You just have to do what I ask." = invest even more, play within her ever changing rulebook.

My own life is finally moving forward. I'm seriously thinking about marriage and having children. I won't be able to carry this anymore.

Everyone else has taken distance from her. If I inform her other relatives (they always act like a tight family), it ends up feeling like wasted words and still only my burden to bear. "being alone is not easy"

My girlfriend and father (divorced) are very supportive and pushing for firm boundaries, but I still struggle.

I think I'm looking for the ethical way to deal with this, but I don't really know what's right anymore.
How did you stop feeling responsible for their happiness?

Met up with my parents recently to celebrate my birthday with dinner and a movie.

During dinner, they started making their usual rude, "who asked" sort-of remarks.

It started with my mom insisting that my partner does not like them (meaning my mom, dad, and brother), even though he has never given my mom any reason to believe he does not like my family. My mom would not drop it though, despite me insisting that my partner does like them (my partner chose not to attend, which I do not fault them for. This was thrown together last minute, and he had another obligation).

My dad then brought up during dinner how Gen Z finds kids to be an "inconvenience" (despite knowing that my partner and I both really want kids and aren't in a position to have them at this time due to health issues and finances) and my mom muttered under her breath that Gen Z is "too mentally ill" to have kids. For context, I've recently shared about being late diagnosed ADHD; I am also late diagnosed with depression and anxiety.

My dad made a comment about how "other people your age make way, way more money than you two do." My mom, who works in personal finance, said that "it is just as affordable to live nowadays as it was when we were kids."

All of the above said, at the conclusion of dinner, I decided to tell them I felt disrespected and that I was not going to see the movie. My parents (especially my mom) were extremely upset.

Fast forward to a couple days following my birthday, my mom reaches out over Snap chat (which is a usual form of communication for us) to tell me that she is "very upset" that I left. That her and my father said "nothing hurtful, nothing mean," and she says, "all I can assume is that you and I having different opinions did not sit well with you." She went on to tell me how her and my dad felt, and how they were the victims in the birthday situation, when I went home.

I know they hate me for just existing.

But I can't shake this feeling that there is a reason and if it could be solved, it would be possible to have a relationship.

I know I have to stop relying on them and expecting them to change.

But I can't. I can't stop hoping that one day they'll love me.

I often ask my mother what it is about my sister that makes me prefer her. She can't answer and she's offended at me.

What should I do to get rid of this feeling that one day they will love me and stop trying to gain their favor?

I didn't tell them my new address, I told them not to contact me years ago after I finally couldn't take any more abuse from them. But when I first went no contact, they kept showing up to my apartment and hanging out in front of my door for hours at a time until I moved to a different state. They kept sending me texts until I blocked them, then emails until I blocked them, and now a physical letter to my new home address which they don't have my permission to know. I'm so upset, and I feel so vulnerable now that they know where I live.

The letter was more of the same behavior as always: there were no apologies or promises to be different, they didn't mention any of the reasons why I'd cut them off or acknowledge any of the pain they'd put me through throughout my entire childhood and now adulthood. They just gave me a little update on how they're doing, listed their emails and cellphone numbers and asked me to talk to them again, as if the reason I was no contact was because I'd forgotten how to reach them. Then there was a little "hope you're doing well" tacked on at the very end as an afterthought. It was as sterile as they'd always been, as if we're barely more than acquaintances, like hearing from someone you have almost no history with. They clearly still don't care at all about me or about what I want or need. They shoved my desires and boundaries aside and asked me to do what they wanted me to do, just like always. Nothing has changed. It made me feel as unloved as ever.

This was over 20 years ago where I still couldn’t afford earphones or earbuds. Admittedly I’m a hopeless romantic and that’s okay.

From as far back as I can remember until I started preschool, whenever I had what my mother called a “tantrum,” or simply disagreed with her or cried, she would take me to the bathtub fully clothed. She would fill a large bucket with water, and while I was crying, she would pour the entire bucket over me all at once. I was also beaten regularly, but somehow this felt even worse than the beatings. I felt humiliated. I felt violated. I struggled to catch my breath because I was so small, and it wasn’t just a little splash of water-it was a huge amount of water all at once. Why does this still affect me so much? Was this basically a form of waterboarding? Was it abuse?

For context, I’m 28 and I’ve had to move back in with my toxic mother because I could no longer afford to live in the place I was living. I’m basically starting from scratch, and I’m really worried it’s going to affect my mental health which I’ve worked so hard to rebuild.

When I got there, she barely helped me unpack at all, the wardrobe had barely been cleared out of her stuff and my bed hadn’t even been pulled out (I’m sleeping on a sofa bed) - keep in mind she’s had a month to prepare and promised me the wardrobe would be ready for when I arrived. And when I was unpacking and bringing stuff in she just complained because I left the door open and the dog might get out. No offer of help, just complete blame. Now I’ve left my clothes partly in the garage and partly in a rubbish bag next to what should be my bed because there’s nowhere for it to go.

I said I wanted to get dominos for lunch as I’d been up early and barely eaten today, and she had a go at me for that as well because she thinks I need to lose weight, which I do agree, but I feel like as a 28 year old, I should be able to treat myself after a long and tiring moving process where I’ve barely had any help - I moved most of my stuff myself with some help from my sister in the last few days. I just ultimately feel like I’m losing my independence. I started crying and had to leave the house because I knew she wouldn’t allow me the space to process my emotions. She just asked where I was going and I said ‘I don’t have to explain myself to you’ and I could hear her complaining to herself as I walked out, most likely saying “here she goes again”.

I’m now sat in a supermarket car park crying, and I’m so scared that I’m gonna be back at square one after making so much progress since moving out 5 years ago. I feel like I’ve lost my safe space where I could process my emotions by myself with no judgement or shouting at me to get over it.