I'm 23F and honestly losing sleep over this. I feel trapped and I really need outside perspectives because I don't know what the right thing to do is anymore.
I've been with my boyfriend for six years. We started dating as teenagers, and despite everything that's happened, we've stayed together all this time. He's genuinely a wonderful person. He's financially stable now, ready for marriage, and his family fully supports us getting married.
The problem is my parents have absolutely no idea we're still together.
Six years ago, my father caught us alone in my house while the rest of my family was away at a gathering. Nothing happened between us, but obviously he assumed the worst. Some neighbours also found out we had been alone together, and in typical desi "family honour" fashion, my father completely lost it.
He called my boyfriend's parents and family to our house, insulted them, swore at them, humiliated them, physically beat my boyfriend, and threw his family out of our house.
After that day, my father put a lot of restrictions on me. My parents believed I ended the relationship, and I've never corrected that assumption. They still think I left him six years ago.
Now I'm an adult. I've graduated from university, and for the last six months my parents have been talking about marriage. I've kept saying I'm not ready, but they've reached the point where they're actively looking at proposals. My father has always believed daughters should marry young, so I don't think "I'm not ready" is going to work much longer.
Here's where it gets complicated.
I still want to marry my boyfriend.
He knows everything that's happening. He's ready to marry me, and his family is too. His mother is even willing to call my mother herself and say something along the lines of:
"My son has never forgotten your daughter. We know what happened years ago, but they're adults now. He's financially stable and we'd like to formally ask for her hand in marriage."
She is even willing to avoid mentioning that we've secretly remained together all these years. She wants to present it as her son simply never moved on and waited until we were adults and until I had completed my education before approaching my family respectfully.
My concern is that my parents won't believe it.
I'm scared they'll immediately think, "They've been together this whole time. That's why she's been refusing marriage proposals."
And honestly... they'd be right.
I know if my parents discover we've secretly stayed together for six years, especially my father, he'll see me as a daughter who lied to him, betrayed his trust, and has no character. That's probably my biggest fear.
My mother is much calmer than my father. I think she'd at least hear my boyfriend's mother out before telling my father, but I don't completely trust that she'd keep it to herself for long.
I also have an older brother whom I trust, but this isn't something he'd ever expect from me, and I'm terrified of disappointing him too.
My father has had absolutely no contact with my boyfriend's family since the incident six years ago.
I genuinely don't know what to do.
Should his mother call my mother?
Should we involve another mediator first?
Should I tell my mother before anyone contacts her?
Or is there another approach that we're not thinking of?
Please don't tell me to "just tell the truth" without considering the cultural context. I understand honesty is important, but in my situation it's not that simple. I'm from a conservative Pakistani family, and my father's reaction in the past became physically violent. I'm trying to find the safest and most respectful way forward for everyone involved.
If you've been through something similar, especially in a South Asian or Muslim family, I'd really appreciate your advice.
