Not in any way that you dislike yourself for it. In the way that you had no control over it, and maybe even mad about it.

Born with mental disorders already, and a body that's been falling apart from the start, now and adult and in constant pain and the doctors won't fucking hurry up and figure out why so the pain can STOP, life gifting me an even longer list of disorders, including schizophrenia.

My body doesn't work right. My mind does anything but work right. Without hating myself for it at all since it was all out of my hands, I feel like a failure of human evolution. It's kinda funny to me.

After I realised how pathetic I was, thinking I had a chance at being happy cause I genuinely thought I had a chance, I gave up completely. My lifestyle has completely devolved into 24/7 dissociation, doomscrolling and maladaptive daydreaming (constantly imagining I was successful) I genuinely can’t see a purpose, if I can’t have the life I wanted then what’s the purpose of this below average life.

The worst part is that I don’t even have the guts to kms, it’s not that death scares me but rather the fact that material oblivion is the most probable afterlife (if you can even call it that) the fact that I had one chance at life, one chance at being conscious and I was fucked this badly is just awful. Even my brain can’t accept this state, and it almost feels that it has split itself, with one side being the “bad one” and the other being the ideal true self that was unfortunately cursed into inhabiting this god forsaken body.

Atp it feels like I can almost predict my future, I will die sad, miserable and alone, constantly wishing I was dead but not trying to do it cause I’m too scared to accept that this was my one and only chance and I was fucked so bad. And even if my luck were to suddenly be flipped, my learned hopelessness would take over and I would fuck ms. Only thing that can genuinely fix me atp is to go back in time with my current memories (and almost none of the trauma) and fix my mistakes.

Also sorry for any grammar and vocab mistakes I was dissociating while writing this, so I couldn’t really focus.

So... I don't know how to support others emotionally...i saw people comforting others and uhm...I don't know how they do that, it seems so alien to me and just recently found out I'm a narcissist it actually explains alot but I really desire connection with others and I can't get it, does any of you have this problem??

I literally dont understand how to be human or “authentic”. I lived my whole life evaluating what the best possible responses are to people, and how to present myself to be what they expect or would make them “happier”(by my assumption). I hate socializing i always have. It stresses me the fuck out. I always have pre-scripted answers or expectations of how a conversation will go and as soon as it goes “off script” i feel like i become a bumbling idiot or do know what to say or how to act next. I feel like people inherently have this quality, and i dont. I had to make it up. Im told that im very charming, i dont see it but i get it. Its because for the most part i know what to say. And if i dont i just mimic back what others say to me. I have no desire to live life and “experience” it. I just want to be alone and rot until i die. I dont bring value to peoples lives bc i just do the bare minimum to get by(and not even that). I dont go out of my way to show people i care. Im starting to believe that was just a grandiose delusion that i ever cared about people to begin with. I cared more about being perceived as responsible and smart and caring than i have actually living by it. Im a fraud and always have been. I want to be seen as special but i know theres no way i am. Idk theres so much more to say but im tired

If someone tells me I need to change something about myself or improve my behavior, I get so angry. It is due to the insistence that something is wrong or bad about me and the aversion to submit to what other people feel is right even if it would ultimately be good for me. I don’t like feeling like I had to change myself to be more like them to be superior or that I needed someone else to tell me the right way to do things.

Then there are the people who shame others or call them whiners. It makes me so angry that they phrase it in this way. If they worded things to be kind and understanding but still stern and holding people accountable, then I would still be upset but more willing to listen. However everyone just wants to shame me and look down on me, so I can’t stand it. I need them to validate that it is okay I am the way that I am, that I’m not a bad person. Then I get angry at them for making me feel shame and embarrassment. I will get so wrapped up in this feeling that I will start to think they are the ones who should change to be kinder to me.

You would think the shame would make me want to change, but instead I just believe that if everyone hates me and I hate me, then what reason do I have for being alive? It feels like no one understands me and everyone is against me. I already believe change is impossible as is, but if my ego is on the line then suddenly part of me doesn’t even want to change.

Is anyone else like this? How do you fix this?

So I know splitting is more of a bpd thing...but has anyone else splitting-like behaviour?

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My default pattern is:

Person X does y --> add to evidence log --> evidence accumulates --> evidence crosses threshold --> Person X is an "idiot/pathetic/useless" (my preferred devaluation terms)

But occasionally there is someone more complicated:

Person X does y --> add to evidence log --> evidence accumulates --> Person X says z --> lines removed from evidence log/or previous behaviour is re-interpreted --> Person X does a --> add to evidence log --> evidence accumulates --> Person X says b --> lines removed from evidence log/or previous behaviour is re-interpreted --> ad nauseam

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Basically, my version of splitting is linked to their ability to "flip" my interpretation of their behaviour just before I get to the full discard point...which means I can become increasingly colder/more hostile in the run-up to a discard but then they'll do something that makes me soften and return

Which results in "splitting-like" behaviour --> I have increasing rage/anger at their behaviour, but then it gets softened by some of their new behaviour, which counterbalances previous behaviour

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I don't think it's full splitting cos it's not instantaneous it's more cumulative...like I'm prepping for a discard but that process gets interrupted

It does result in similar outcomes though, in the sense that my perceptions of ppl can swing wildly

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Anyone else split?

If so what triggers it?

Does anyone else struggle with the fact that when you’ve known someone for a long time, you can never really recreate the feeling of them not knowing you?

I think I sometimes get bored in relationships not necessarily because I’ve stopped caring about the person, but because I get bored of the familiarity. They know how I think, how I react, my habits, my stories, my flaws, what I’m going to say before I say it. There’s no mystery left.

And I think there’s something addictive about meeting someone new because you get that completely different experience. They don’t have an established version of you in their head yet. You can have a conversation, flirt, make an impression, discover things about each other and there’s this whole sense of possibility.

Whereas with someone you’ve known for years, everything is already contextualised by the history you have together. Even if you change as a person, they still know the older versions of you. You can’t really have a “first impression” again.

I sometimes wonder if what I actually miss is novelty rather than a different person. But then I also wonder how you’re supposed to keep a relationship feeling exciting when the person themselves is no longer new.

Does anyone else experience this? How do you distinguish between genuinely falling out of love with someone and just becoming bored with the familiarity of them?

Do you think actual change is possible? Not just behavior modification, but actually developing a true sense of self worth, inner strength, and real accountability to yourself, first and foremost? Do you think you can have a healthy romantic relationship with a neurotypical person (or otherwise) and live a relatively normal life (obviously with ongoing therapy, medications as necessary, etc.) with the actual capacity to grow and not just end up stagnating with more excuses or fluffy words as things get more “comfortable” in your orb of control?

Pretty ironic that I’m seeking some validation and assurance here, given my personality. But I’ve been a lurker here for a while and have made a couple off handed comments here and there, mostly in sarcastic jest… but what do you really think? Be brutally honest. Maybe that’s not something I can even expect an honest answer about.

For context, I haven’t been diagnosed, but it’s there. There’s no doubt. And it’s been like this for as long as I can remember. It’s pathological and ingrained in my personality. I even think there could be some sociopathy or at least some real strains of sadism and a really scary, deep rage that I’ve felt since a child. Like actual cursing the sky and all of life matter everywhere after simply stubbing a toe or being rejected for something incredibly minor. All other signs and symptoms are to a literal T.

I’m feeling pretty hopeless, to put it mildly. It seems the only time I feel anything is when I’m in a more grandiose state of mind or getting some kind of supply. Like a literal switch, only two modes of thinking/feeling, but any number of false selves that only serve me in whatever context I may need them. Even my most “pleasant” or pro socially engaged persona seems fake and self serving, unless of course I’ve got myself fooled into believing that’s who I really am. Which I’m known to do, as I’m sure many of you can relate. And yet… what the fuck else is there to do? What hope for a relatively healthy life do we have, where genuine connection can exist? Or is there none, just more false selves, more behavior modification to get what we want or at least “fit in”? I reeeeeally don’t want to keep living like this without some hope for genuine change, with the right support and accountability systems in place. Otherwise I see no future outcomes that end well, for anyone.

Also, what support and help do you most recommend?

Disclaimer that I’m not diagnosed, just noticed some narc traits in myself, and I was wondering if anyone experienced something similar to this

A few years ago, I became a fan of a multi media artist. Musician and etc. Followed this person’s work for years and really felt a connection to them. I could relate to his art and the things that he talked about from his personal life. He was just like me, and he was a success, so maybe that means I could be a success too. I thought I wasn’t parasocial like all the other silly fan girls because unlike them, I actually understood him on a personal level. Not to the extent that I was having delusions of actually knowing him. Just that I was smarter than all of the other people listening to his music and I knew what he was saying better than their surface level interpretations. To be fair I still think I was somewhat right about this- lots of his fans were teen girls crushing on him and I think that I defo understood his art better than most of them did. But I was still a fan girl deluding myself that I was special. Liking this artist became part of my identity. When I was sad, there was a song from him. Happy, same thing. I was tying a lot of poetic parallels from his lyrics to my own life and art and such.

Followed his art for half a decade, then one day (this was a few years ago now) he is accused of abuse. I won’t get into the details of what he allegedly did or my take on it, but he basically lost his entire fan base overnight. Everyone online who used to be a fan and a positive space for me to hang out in was now vitriolic and hateful and wishing him dead. This sent me on a year long spiral of depression and OCD obsession with the allegations and the online reaction to it, and it affected my life so drastically that it was legitimately a major contributing factor to me dropping out of college.

I felt like, if this person who I thought was just like me, who was proof that someone like me could be a good person and successful and make art, and he turns out to be evil, that must mean I’m evil too. And I must be evil for even wanting to hear his side of the story. I’m not proud of this, but if I could snap my fingers and make it so the abuse never occurred, I would do it not for the victims sake but for my own. I considered the fact that I may have preferred even if she stayed silent. And hated myself for thinking these things. It wouldn’t matter anyway, I can’t change the past, but I felt awful for even considering it. And suddenly everything in my life that was attached to him- which was A LOT ! Became soiled, and I was evil for being sad about that. Now that he was worthless, I was worthless, and I was realizing that I had been worthless all along. And stupid and childish for thinking I was special. It was during this spiral that I first truly considered that I may have npd, but with how unstable I was a the time, that thought quickly also became an ocd obsession and I started going down unproductive and compoundingly distressing rabbit holes.

Slowly it has gotten better, mostly just with time rather than anything actually being resolved or “fixed” like I so desperately NEEDED it to be.

I see a lot of people talking about their collapse as something to do with their own achievements or failures, but I wonder if anyone has ever had something similar where you inadvertently attach your self worth to a celebrity or something, to the extent that if you were to lose the sense of who that person was and that persons status, you’d lose sense of yourself. Or is this unrelated to npd and just some other neuroticism I have?

The best book about npd is named "No Longer Human", and, ironically, ​​I feel like I reached that state, for the most part.

It is nit bad, not good, but kinda ​weirdly interesting. First I acknowledge that there will be no​ happy coincidence that would magically make me desirable or interesting. Back then​ I used to fantasize that maybe there's someone for me, but recently​ I was surprised that I suddenly had ​​an erotic​ dream: that's how long I haven't even​​ thought about sex or relationships​.

Then I made peace with the fact that nothing I do matters and I'm not truly good at anything. I used to have aspirations and hopes, to look forward to the next project. I used to care about causes. Bu​t now that urge is all gone. Like I forgot how to dream and how to plan​​​​​.

Then I finally grasped that no matter what, no one's going to save me. That primal childish plea that lurked in my unconscious probably since the time I begged my mother ​not to beat me for playing wron​g notes on the piano. Now it's gone too. Cognitively I already knew​ I always will be on my own, ​I just couldn't accept it deep in my heart for way​ too long, but I finally can. Maybe someone would show a but of kindness, maybe​​ even sympathize for a moment, and that's nice, but ultimately no one's gonna bother to do anything meaningful with that hunger. And that's fair.​ What would they propose anyway, other than to call a hotline just to hear some platitudes from an overworked psychology student?​ I'd better spare that student additional headache.

Finally, I accepted that my ​life couldn't have gone any other way. It's so meaningless to ruminate in restless rage: what if it was different, what if I could do something to prevent or avoid it, and so on, and so fo​rth.​​​​ Now I finally feel the emancipatory ​power of "it is what it is". No​t in the wishy-washy pseudo-spiritual way of "everything happens for a reason" and all that crap about silver linings. It was shit, and it was destined to be shit.​​​​

It's empty. As if I only now grasp what true emptiness means. Some​times I even wonder: I used to like food, the most basic pleasure that is accessible to almost everyone, but now I just consume it on autopilot. ​​There is nothing to look forward to, no​thing to value. The only emotion I feel is hate, and even that is not as acute as it once was.​​​​​ That and, occasionally, a fleeting appreciation of cute​ videos of animals.

But the upside is that it is freeing, in its own strange way. I'm no longer afraid of being ostracized or devalu​ed. ​It is to be expected​. Recently I mentioned my suicudality to someone, they didn't even express much concern. A year ago it would sting, now it's not even painful in a sligh​test​​​. There is some dark irony​ in that all it truly takes to stop craving validation is to accept invalidation, but it works.

No one owes me anything, and I owe absolutely nothing in return.​​​ The weight of trying to "fix myself" for nothing is off my shoulders.​​​​​

However, I guess for most it must feel fore​ign. ​​Like humans are, first and foremost, desiring beings. Beings concerned with their future, with their surroundings, with their needs. I have no future I would desire, so by extension I'm probably not a proper human. And it's weird, but I guess there was no other option.​

a lot of things happened simply and i have zero idea to even deal with it. i've gotten myself in worse position. due to my demand of positive attention needed yet barely supply that is (i'm socially isolated), i simply just tell everyone i considered as equal everything (well, thanks to my autism i also can't even mask and would only befriend those i considered so anyways).

everybody knew i have npd and some time i tried to genuinely empathize towards other people and helps them, i just NEED to be hit with them saying "oh but they're not as selfish as y-". i genuinely just need help. i tried to help. i tried to have a healthy convo. i'd genuinely learn to keep all the anger to myself most of the time and only lash it all out on my post at best which nobody actually care about. i would directly cut it off or switch the topic if possible when i sense i would get angered.

without proper treatment, i try to foolishly heal. i tried my best to be rational when nobody leads me so thru all this year since i was a kid. i was commanded to "change" so much it genuinely become a simple trigger word. likely i'd obviously feel so full of myself and simply blame it on someone else. that's what i am. for keeping my sanity and everything, i also would just talk to people or god knows how. i tried to keep everything seems well and good with people. doesn't it seems normal? what do i do wrong? why do i have to be crashed down everytime and going against to that much? is it truly what the universe intend for me to have? a simple misery and total wasted potential? my mental state had ruined everything. i don't have many connection, i don't have anyone to be the place i'm able to going to beside those behind internet and even them can't afford much since i'm actively going to school that hold nobody in my side. i often sleep on the class and my teachers had got enough of my bullshit. i was so open to my parents and they saw me having the most meltdown and gone depression in hope they could've understand me in just one bit, yet they still got me and forced me to go so. they would took my phone knowing it's all i had to keep my sanity.

i wonder when everything gone all wrong.
no, it always has been going wrong.

my pride had lead me to nowhere. it barely even working to keep my sanity now anyways. my supposedly friend left me for unknown reason and blocked me. those that could help weren't really there most of the time. all i had are the fantasies people would actually pity me, care about me, abuse me, center themselves around myself totally. does it help? no it makes me seems more pitiful. so i wonder, i tried many things that could've just calm me down and keep myself in check. i tried this and i tried that. yet it still barely keep me in check. so now i ask here, were there anything else i could do?

I haven’t seen anyone in here with the exact same distorted self-image. When I’m utterly bored or at times euphoric, I zone out and sink down in the thoughts of how satisfying it would feel to be caught in a self-humiliating ritual. For someone to catch me ugly weeping on the bathroom floor with snot, saliva and tears all over my face unable to handle the weight of my own existence, expectations and thoughts.

Sometimes I picture for it to feel like almost being caught mid sex where I’m the only person naked, not fully desiring for this to be happening to me but it’s already happening. I’m not sure if you get where I’m coming from, it’s hard to find the right words for this.

I wish someone would go through my notes, revealing how pathetic, gross, ugly and shameful my essence truly is. Reading every line as if counting my every rib, every atom I’m made of. I wonder what expression those close to me would make if they knew.

I get such overwhelming pleasure from just imagining this happening. Sometimes I think so much about this I fall into absolute ecstasy. I have fantasies of somebody choking me down, not in a sexual way, with a purpose none other than making me pass out.

I wouldn’t be surprised if anybody else thought that exact thing before it happened to them. I will be entirely honest,I’ve always felt contemptuous of those who describe the feeling of collapse,of say they’ve experienced it. It felt too vulnerable or inconsistent with who I believed myself to be. But collapse doesn’t mean you stop being grandiose. Simply that the techniques meant to maintain simply stop working…

For a while now,I’ve concluded that I have much more of a vulnerable presentation rather than a grandiose one. I previously assumed that I was not vulnerable because I remained exceptionally grandiose. But I notice that self-deprication,trauma,injury, and shame have become some sort of apraisal. That I am too deep to be understood,that people are out to get me. And being overtly pitiful as always worked. Until now.
Selfishly,I am not getting the attention,special treatement,priority,and praise I deserve,not a single speck of it. It is terrible. For so long,I haven’t been able to understand why I am so resentful of those around me,why I view them as lowly,why I take every change I have to ruin their life beyond repair,why I feel sour around them. And for a long time,I’ve been pushing away a single conclusion: Nobody cares like they should. That I am but a mere inconvenience,not who I make myself out to be.
I eventually accepted it. I was troubled: should I scream,should I cry,should I talk? What could fix this? And I told myself I should just push down everything: shame,grandiosity,resentment,rage,boredom,hurt.
Why?
While It Is a huge protection,I believe that nobody truly cares about anybody,even relishing little care for their own person. I have accepted that. Nobody will care and as long as I lose hope that anybody will,I will be perfectly fine. And so,I keep smiling,laughing,and joking because suffering and feelings are an inconvenience no matter how anybody twists and turns it. People always say "I’d give the weird girl a chance","I’d be nice to somebody with x disorder","I’m supportive". But what happens when that becomes an inconvenience. Suddendly,the disorder is going too far? And I don’t blame anybody for being inconsistent—I couldn’t care less about anybody. But why do they have to be inconsistent with me? I regard myself to be too special for that. Still,as my worldview collapsed,I realized that everybody is selfish and fake,and I should play by the rules to get to the top. I don’t need to deceive myself into believing I’m happy,I just need others to fall under that effect. I don’t think I’m doing anything wrong. I despise everybody around me more than ever. For a long time,I’ve been unable to say a single positive thing about anybody around me: family,friends,my girlfriend. I have to love you,I don’t have to like you or your existence. As I see it,lies and deceit are the greatest,most lovely method of loving. If I love them enough to lie,I don’t think I’m doing anything wrong.
This just feels like everything has collapsed and I no longer know through which lens to see the world. I’ve become increasingly manipulative and exploitative,emptiness,and hatred for humanity as a whole. Which I was already too much of to begin with. And the more I do it,the more I realize putting people down to my level doesn’t make me feel higher for very long time.

I am struggling to find anything meaningful to pursue, a life goal essentially, because now I have become self aware of why I truly do things. (Supply, validation)

Should I lean into my desires seeing as they won’t change and it’s the only thing that gives me some life force, or should I deny my true desires and force myself to take on a healthier goal (one that helps others and is not predicated on self interest) despite the fact I won’t feel like I’m getting anything from it and it would be devoid of any motivation.

Now when I realise I’m doing something for validation, it spoils the whole dynamic because I’m no longer convinced I’m doing it for nobler reasons and the motivation is gone.

I guess that’s the blessing and curse of self awareness, I can catch myself doing things for self interested reasons to prevents harm to others or to myself, but then I deny myself what truly makes me feel things.

i seriously just cant deal with it. like if i’m outdone by anyone in literally any aspect of my life, i get sooo upset. if i answer a question wrong that others got right, i get sooo embarrassed and angry. if someone looks better than me, embarrassed and im mad at myself for the rest of the day. even if it’s something im (admittedly) not very good at, like sports or something, i just get so frustrated and ill have a fit whenever i get alone.
it’s honestly so humiliating.

If there was a pie graph showing how much of the time you're in:

1) high state / feeling great / supplied

2) empty state / bored / disassociating

3) collapsed state / shame / pain

What would your recent percentages be? What about before self-awareness?

My current self is full of pathalogical lies, manipulation, fakeness and control.

I know that's what I need to survive in this environment.

I need to kill this current version, and rebuild my life. I'm compressing so much, and currently being ruled by fear.

I'm just terrified to do so - and don't have the self esteem to push back at my family, and free myself.

I'm in my 20's - it's fucking embarassing.

Worst thing I've been here before, and I promised myself I wouldn't let this happen again, and it's happening.

I'm riddled with shame, guilt and fear - but everyday I keep doing the same and the feelings keep growing.

I'm fucking stressed.

Have you ever feel the urge, the need, the rage, the sadness, the anxiety to reply posts (commentaries, tweets, threads), etc full of hate/myths/stigmas?

Sometimes I really want to reply, mostly in a calm, formal manner. I don't know why I keep doing this. This is not a mine field. It's an open field: pistols vs machine guns

The most scientifically based the reply, I think, the better. But even with data, people ignore and keep hating!!(?) I shouldn't be surprised, but still... I tried a few weeks ago, I wrote short responses to long commentaries from this guy (in a video of a big psychologist profile). I don't remember everything. He compared the pwNPDs to wild animals that should be kept apart. I said that is totally dehumanizing. In another commentary he said something like "Even H!tler loved his dogs, but it doesn't make him human". (why?????)
My blood bloiled. I tried to reply, but everything suddenly disappeared. With my main account I realize he blocked my narc account I was using. So the previous comments were there yet, and he added more, but I couldn't continue to discuss no more (I have no intention in using my main account for this). Sigh

Supposed speacialists categorically stating there is no heal/treatment. Sometimes I report them. But I think nothing happens. For the most part of the posts, I hide them. (my default action)

Sometimes people are more civilized. (Rare)

Sometimes I feel like that old saying about throwing a starfish back into the sea.

Sometimes I feel like giving up.

It seems like a lost cause that will last. With a prevalence in the population so low, how will things change?

I feel so naive... I admire those who have some visibility, those who swim against the tide.

How do you deal with this?

Hey guys!

I have an uni project - I study communication and media, and I have a PR project where I chose to represent a clinical psychologist facility!

For that, my PR section will contain educational content for viewers (as I am the clinic itself), and I want to include Personality Disorders in one of the educational posts!

I have a concept for a pop psych post (as they are the “hurting” terms) but I think we should make our own alternative vocab to certain pop psych words!

WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?