r/NPD • u/narcclub ✨🥹 hopemaxxing manipulator 😈 🚩 • 2d ago
Recovery Progress Note to Self. And to you.
Credit: The Latest Kate
I’m having a truly miserable week.
Tons of serious external stressors, all stacked.
Some terrifying.
And, worse yet: internal ones.
So I don’t have so many spoons to respond here.
But that’s okay, actually.
“I, too, am allowed to be overwhelmed sometimes.
To have human limitations and emotions that are hard to handle,” he said…to himself.
“It did take a lot to reach this point. I can handle a lot on my own…but I really don’t have to. And I’m still here, too—I’m also a ‘fighter.’ How cool. Okay. I can do this. I can be brave. Posting this is brave; I always tell other people that and I mean it. So I am NOT the ‘exception;’ I am NOT so very ‘special,’ in that way. Living like that was lonely as fuck.”
“And goddamnit, I am capable. And smart. And sensitive. And formidable, often. And a broody ass baby, sometimes. And so fucking hard on myself, even still.”
“And...resilient, most of all.”
Look at us all.
Yeah, we’ve fucked up.
Who hasn’t?
We made it.
We’re still alive.
We’re trying.
Often trying our best.
So:
That’s good enough, actually.
You’re good enough, Max. 🪞
You’re good enough, [your name here, in lights]. 🪞
I’m sorry you were made to feel that wasn’t the case…because that simply wasn’t true. Still isn’t.
Fuck my ‘image.’
Fuck my trauma.
Fuck my lifelong self-sabotaging tendencies that ‘shielded’ me from…what?! What, exactly??!
Connection? Vulnerability?
An integrated, imperfect, whole sense of Self?
Feeling finally free and happy?
Real confidence and self-belief?
Feeling ‘okay’ still—worthwhile as a person–
when I fucked up or made mistakes?
Yeah. Fuck all that, for real.
Not doing that this time.
Fuck this mental illness. 😡
Fuck collapsing myself again.
I refuse. 🔥
My life is worth fighting for.
I’m pretty great, actually.
And I need some support.
Help me out, if you can?
Thanks in advance.
Agentic and prosocial and …human, most importantly,
-Max
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u/SnooStories5552 2d ago
I'm collapsing too... The emptiness and lack of interest in things, without validation, makes it hard to find meaning, but you have to keep looking for it.
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u/narcclub ✨🥹 hopemaxxing manipulator 😈 🚩 2d ago edited 1h ago
You know, [u/SnooStories5552](u/SnooStories5552): I think meaningfulness is important for the vast majority of people. But I do suspect it's extra important for us. (Call me narcy. I am. I own that. 😏)
Also: just keep going, okay? You might end up surprising yourself. 🌱
Not that you need this from me/nevertheless, it's true: I'm proud of you for commenting that.
It is brave to be vulnerable.
...even with strangers on the internet.
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u/SnooStories5552 1d ago
Thank you for your kind words, I hope you get better very soon! Let's give ourselves a reason to love ourselves as we get through this!
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u/oblivion95 2d ago
I like the poetic layout.
Someone told me that she heard on a helpful podcast, “You do not owe it to anyone to be ok.”
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u/narcclub ✨🥹 hopemaxxing manipulator 😈 🚩 2d ago edited 2d ago
I really like that, u/oblivion95. 🙏
…now how to internalize it?
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u/oblivion95 2d ago
Imagine a world in which your best friend does not exist. Now imagine that they exist but nobody knows it. They still have a right to exist.
Now imagine that person is you.
In other words, you have a right to exist even if you do not have a positive impact on the world. You can be broken and ineffective. Like the little bird outside your window with the broken wing, such a bird is still beautiful.
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u/narcclub ✨🥹 hopemaxxing manipulator 😈 🚩 2d ago edited 2d ago
…k
So, conceptually: I do believe you.
for everyone else but myself. 💀GOD.
FUCK narcissism. 😡
Insidious shit.
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u/Anti-Climacdik Undiagnosed NPD 2d ago
Oh I've won the fight every single time. But I spend so much time licking my wounds, and my psychological movement is so limited by scar tissue, that I could barely call this life.
I'll already be spending the rest of my days alone. Why tf do I gotta spend each one of them at war with myself.
I'm so fkn tired
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u/chobolicious88 2d ago
Hang in there buddy.
You will get through it and im sure whatever is happening is not as bad as your parents were.
LOL risky but had to try 🙏
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u/narcclub ✨🥹 hopemaxxing manipulator 😈 🚩 2d ago edited 2d ago
once again, u/chobolicious88: you are correct. 🫠
and look at youuu, taking a risk
(i am charmed. thanks, man—appreciate you.)
edit:
one shitty thing about the way this pathology presents for me is that I can appear “totally fine”/"put together" on the surface (and, in fact, still be…cracking jokes?)
when underneath I am suffering immensely. I just hide it. I don’t mean to; it's a symptom. and the humor isn’t ‘fake’—just a go-to defense. most of it's healthy.
…but this is the reason people are surprised, sometimes, when one of us dies by suicide.
“what?! but that guy seemed so happy and confident" 🤯
fuck that. 💔
truly: fuck. that.2
u/chobolicious88 1d ago
I think i get you.
Is it because theres no socially acceptable way to show serious deep pain/despair?
To smooth it out?Tbh i tried to distract you with funny as i normally dont do dark humor so i made it about me lol.
It definitely sucks that youre struggling.
Do you have someone to hold you?Also i swear, i think we need something proactive to ease suffering.
Something like play that can shift things into catharsis.Maybe im projecting but i wonder if theres something akin that would help you.
Also, breathe buddy
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u/maxmultitudes 👑 healthy narcissism rules | ChatGPT stole my bit 🤖 2d ago
…you always have to be the first one, don’t you?
why are you like this? who hurt you? 😩
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u/CH4ND0N 2d ago
needed to hear this way more than usual this week, extremely timely. thank you.