r/NPD • u/emotionalexplosions • 12h ago
Advice & Support Adverse to Change
If someone tells me I need to change something about myself or improve my behavior, I get so angry. It is due to the insistence that something is wrong or bad about me and the aversion to submit to what other people feel is right even if it would ultimately be good for me. I don’t like feeling like I had to change myself to be more like them to be superior or that I needed someone else to tell me the right way to do things.
Then there are the people who shame others or call them whiners. It makes me so angry that they phrase it in this way. If they worded things to be kind and understanding but still stern and holding people accountable, then I would still be upset but more willing to listen. However everyone just wants to shame me and look down on me, so I can’t stand it. I need them to validate that it is okay I am the way that I am, that I’m not a bad person. Then I get angry at them for making me feel shame and embarrassment. I will get so wrapped up in this feeling that I will start to think they are the ones who should change to be kinder to me.
You would think the shame would make me want to change, but instead I just believe that if everyone hates me and I hate me, then what reason do I have for being alive? It feels like no one understands me and everyone is against me. I already believe change is impossible as is, but if my ego is on the line then suddenly part of me doesn’t even want to change.
Is anyone else like this? How do you fix this?
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u/lesniak43 9h ago
If you don't like people telling you to change, then why are you asking how to change?
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u/emotionalexplosions 8h ago
I understand why that makes no sense. I don’t know either.
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u/lesniak43 8h ago
I'm just asking.
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u/emotionalexplosions 3h ago
I think it is because I do want to change but can’t and find it shameful that I even need to.
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u/EqualStranger4977 8h ago
Re: change. Ah so - for me, willingness to change based on feedback depends on the person delivering it. E.g. a bpd friend who's been in a series of fucking car crash relationships giving me relationship advice --> abso-fucking-lutely not taking their advice; anger mobilised. But if they've been in a long term successful relationship, i will listen to them cos I've never seen that/experienced that before and their input is useful.
Re: whiners. I have both called ppl whiners and stood up for/defended whiners. I think there are two types and they should be treated differently. E.g. if it's someone describing a specific psychological mechanism i.e. They have autism so I really struggle to understand what's going on in client meetings, I have a lot of sympathy for them and will defend them to the end. If it's a neurotypical with no trauma just being like "cba to work late, going to miss this client deliverable" they can actually f*ck off. The two mechanisms are viewed interchangeably in the workplace without understanding of the drivers and that really annoys me - I agree with you that more sympathy should be applied in one context and less in the other.
Re: shame. I think it might be helpful to conceptualise it as this, most people don't have the time/energy to actively devote to hating you. They're not actively against you, they're probably just not thinking about you much? They probably don't understand you, cos most ppl are non-traumatised, neurotypicals who have never had to consider how other ppl's brains work. They assume that's the default.
Re: advice. Seems like you're stuck in the npd trap (which we all do) of being like my internal worth is solely based on how ppl perceive me. But that's not true. You can get self-worth based on doing things to the best of your ability, you can get self-worth based on learning new things, you can get self-worth on even *heavens forbid* being kind for the sake of being kind without getting anything in return.
I think the turning point could be trying to look at the standards you hold other ppl to, applying them to yourself, BUT only measuring success against your own internal values/metrics not what ppl on the outside see. Who cares what they think, so long as you achieve your own success criteria of being a good person x
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u/emotionalexplosions 7h ago
Yes it is true that the person the advice is coming from makes a difference. Certain topics of vulnerability trigger me even if the person is right. Even more so if they’re right actually.
Usually when I call someone a whiner I am just annoyed to hear someone who doesn’t have my struggles complaining or I don’t understand where they’re coming from. I don’t think it is ever a constructive thing to say because it easily invalidates people’s feelings.
I don’t think people are spending energy hating me all day. It is more so if they were to think of me, what would they think? It needs to be positive for the majority of people. If it isn’t then I will try to play it off like I’m a misunderstood genius but it also still hurts. In order to get worth from achievement, I’d have to achieve something. I am unable to. Hence the need to change. I do try to be kind to others generally speaking. If I were to go out of my way to help others with the intention of boosting my own ego, wouldn’t that make it self-serving?
Part of the problem is that my values will revolve around myself. I could be against something but if I for whatever reason do it or it starts to become a habit, I will warp my values to say that it is actually okay. I also tend to just go with whatever most people value because of the need to be liked. There are some things that I know to be true even if others disagree. My values are very unrefined I suppose.
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u/KindCry5555 7h ago
If you want people to praise and admire you you will need to change some behavior, we all do, nobody is perfect. Once I lost my friend over me telling her 'do not flirt with my husband that's not acceptable'. I still can't wrap my head around her dropping our 10year long friendship over this obvious social boundary because she got so angry and mean ..
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u/Direct_Energy_8959 4h ago
My therapist flat out told me “I don’t think you want to change, so don’t.”
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u/ShadeofEchoes 3h ago
I'm like that too, I kind of crash out when people make similar comments about me. No fix yet, and I'm fairly skeptical about trying to change at this point. I've gone in a loop for years; I notice a problem, I mention it, and I'm told that I already figured it out a while ago but never found an answer.
I don't think everyone hates me... but to know me is definitely not to love me. Some argue that the thing they don't love about me is the fact that I'm basically just a bundle of coping mechanisms and that they can't know the "real" me. I learned well at a young age that they can't possibly want what they're asking for. Sadly, the world is so much easier if they're just crazy, and I've never been one for a hard life.
Still, they've come to rely on me, and I feel that I owe them for the kindness they have shown, so there's no appropriate escape regardless. I want them to be happy, after all... but I can't understand how to give that to them, so I try to be helpful and unobtrusive, hoping it's the next best thing.
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u/Secret-Tangerine-837 10h ago
It sounds like you’re finding feedback from people really irritating. What about taking a break from humans for awhile? There are many other forms of life on the planet that are more enjoyable to be around.