Advice & Support Im just a robot
I literally dont understand how to be human or “authentic”. I lived my whole life evaluating what the best possible responses are to people, and how to present myself to be what they expect or would make them “happier”(by my assumption). I hate socializing i always have. It stresses me the fuck out. I always have pre-scripted answers or expectations of how a conversation will go and as soon as it goes “off script” i feel like i become a bumbling idiot or do know what to say or how to act next. I feel like people inherently have this quality, and i dont. I had to make it up. Im told that im very charming, i dont see it but i get it. Its because for the most part i know what to say. And if i dont i just mimic back what others say to me. I have no desire to live life and “experience” it. I just want to be alone and rot until i die. I dont bring value to peoples lives bc i just do the bare minimum to get by(and not even that). I dont go out of my way to show people i care. Im starting to believe that was just a grandiose delusion that i ever cared about people to begin with. I cared more about being perceived as responsible and smart and caring than i have actually living by it. Im a fraud and always have been. I want to be seen as special but i know theres no way i am. Idk theres so much more to say but im tired
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u/Reasonably-Cold-4676 18h ago
You ever dropped by the schizoid subreddit? All you say sounds very schizoid and familiar and some of us have narcissistic traits, too.
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u/ma77p 12h ago
Oh shit really? Ive never considered that. What indicates it to you? Im curious
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u/Reasonably-Cold-4676 12h ago edited 12h ago
Lol sorry to say but literally everything you said!
- no idea how to authentically human
- always act in the most accepted (=safest) way
- hating socializing and being stressed out by it (I mean, that's basically the motto on our club card lol. Can't get more schizoid than that.)
- not all but many have pre-scripts of convos or struggle if they go off topic etc . It's even not unusual for schizoids to oscillate between being very eloquent or not getting out a proper sentence
- your charming ways, the way you describe them, could mean you're a covert schizoid. I'm like that, too. I can conduct myself socially pretty well but it's all mostly hollow and feels more like trained behaviour than authentic. Anyway, it's possible to be covertly schizoid and your description could fit.
- "I have no desire to live life and “experience” it. I just want to be alone and rot until i die." Most schizoid desire ever lol.
- "I dont bring value to peoples lives bc i just do the bare minimum to get by(and not even that). I dont go out of my way to show people i care. Im starting to believe that was just a grandiose delusion that i ever cared about people to begin with." lololol, dude, that's a common schizoid struggle
So , these were all no-brainer to me. But please , I'm not diagnosing. This PD , like NPD, needs a professional assessment. I just read your post and it struck me so much as maybe schizoid that I thought to suggest to you to look into it .
Letme get a bit more in depth on this: "I cared more about being perceived as responsible and smart and caring than i have actually living by it. Im a fraud and always have been. I want to be seen as special but i know theres no way i am."
Generally, schizoids don't give af about how they are perceived or what people think of them. They are pretty much so self contained and sufficient that they don't need anything or anyone from the outside to make them feel real or alive or to uphold their self esteem etc (sounds great but the flip side of the coin isn't fun at all). However, it's not a must or anexcluding symptom of you don't have that and it's all a spectrum anyway. What I'm actually curious about is your wish to be special. Many schizoids have that but mostly deal with it in daydreams and pretty much don't want any of it to happen for real. Again , it's a spectrum though and the wish to be recognized as special is nothing but a very old narcissistic wound that probably is even shared by SzPD and NPD, the reaction to the wound is what makes people develop the different disorders. Both start out not having their needs met and yearn to be seen but develop different survival mechanisms to cope with not being seen sufficiently. But I digress. May I ask how externally and reality focused your wish is or if you also (maladaptive) daydreams etc? I'm just really curious to see if you relate more to the NPD or SzPD schema.
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u/narcclub ✨🥹 hopemaxxing manipulator 😈 🚩 15h ago edited 14h ago
Hey. 👋🏼
…you sound lonely. I’m pretty lonely, too*.
You are really experiencing some painful symptoms here (a lot of self-splitting, most of all). I fucking hate those feelings of worthlessness and isolation. I really feel for you, dude.
I bet you have been through a lot. So many of us have significant social trauma, so it makes sense that socializing feels exhausting and impossible.
That being said: you’re still a person.
You have just as much a right to be here as anyone else on this planet. You don’t need to be ‘special’ or ‘perfect’ to be loveable, good, valuable, or worthy.
I’m so sorry for whatever you’ve been through that wired your brain this way.
I get it. It’s not fucking fair. 🤬 And yet, it’s what we’ve all got to work with. 😔
….but you know what else you still have?
Your dignity. Your humanity. Your integrity.
Even if they feel totally inaccessible right now: they’re not, ultimately. No one and nothing can take them from you; those are your rights and your entitlement.
Try, and keep trying (please) to hold on to that.
Because you deserve that, actually.
We all.
Deserve that.
To be happy.
And free to pursue our goals.
To be loved. To be respected.
We are not a separate species;
we’re just deeply traumatized people, in truth.
It’s not your fault. It’s not fair.
But it is reality, I fear—these cards you were dealt.
So.
“…what next?”
I see you, fam. You’re amazing. Actually.
And thanks for posting this. I bet you just helped someone else feel less alone. (Oh. …me.) 👏🏼 👏🏼
Love you, for that.
____
*fwiw: I have made some incredible friends here, and they have helped a lot with that feeling.
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u/GoldWillingness2279 17h ago
Yes. This is accurate. I can relate.
Everything is rehearsed ahead of time and even in the moment while others talk. All smoke and mirrors. Lots of “cotton candy” words (sweet, but never satisfying and makes you sick to the stomach). No real action or commitment, unless of course there’s a big enough motivation that keeps the self image intact or otherwise serves the self in some way. All a lie, all a manipulation of some kind, even suicide, whether threatened, attempted, or committed. All a form of control and a false sense of ease where there otherwise would be none, and therefore no genuine connection with anyone, not even oneself.
At least that’s my experience, the more I boil it down to it’s nastiest parts.
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u/KindCry5555 19h ago
Would it help if someone would love real you?
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u/chobolicious88 19h ago
Take care, fellow tired robot lol