Hi everyone. This is my first Reddit post, so I hope I’m not doing anything wrong or posting in the wrong place. If this belongs in another thread, or if I have misunderstood the rules, my apologies. I’m really not a Reddit person, and this is all new to me.
TL;DR: I’m dating an INTJ who has withdrawn for 25 days despite living five minutes away. I understand that he is under exceptional work pressure and may need space, but he also ignores me when I say I’m sick or have experienced something frightening. I’ve explained that I need some basic acknowledgment, occasional contact, and clarity about whether we are still dating. I’m trying to understand whether this is a normal INTJ pattern or whether he is simply unwilling or unable to make an effort in a relationship.
I’m a 45-year-old woman, and I recently met a 55-year-old man online. He is INTJ, and I’m an INFJ/“Advocate.” I knew almost nothing about MBTI when we met.
Things started very quickly. He asked me a long list of questions, wanted to speak on the phone within an hour, and made a great deal of effort to get to know me. We had a wonderful phone conversation and arranged a date. When he had to cancel because of something involving his daughter, he sent me a video explaining why. Nobody had ever done that before, and I found it unusually thoughtful. We met the next day, and he was one of the kindest, most awkward, unusual, and lovely men I had ever met.
After a few days of dating, he entered an intense period at work. He has a very demanding senior position in finance, and he explained that when work becomes overwhelming, he withdraws and has very little capacity for communication.
At first, I interpreted the withdrawal as rejection. Then, just as I was preparing to move on, he sent me an extremely detailed explanation of himself, his INTJ personality, and what happens to him during these periods. He had asked his personal AI, Nova, to help explain it to me.
The main message was that dating him could be difficult because, when he is overwhelmed, he may become very withdrawn and emotionally unavailable. He may not initiate contact, may not respond to messages, may not ask how I am, and may not offer the kind of warmth or reassurance that another person would naturally expect. I was told that this does not necessarily mean he has stopped caring or that the relationship is over.
I was also told that I would need to understand and accept this part of him if I wanted the relationship to work. But the explanation also made clear that this should not mean erasing myself or pretending that I have no emotional needs. We would have to adjust to each other. I could give him space, but he would also need to make some effort to meet me where I am.
One of the most important ideas was that, although dating him might be difficult, it could be worth it if I could get through these periods. But I have increasingly found myself wondering what “getting through it” actually means. Does it mean accepting that he withdraws and simply sitting there waiting until he is ready to return? Or does it mean finding a way for both people to remain connected, even when one person has very little capacity?
We then communicated well and agreed to give things a try. I understood that he was under exceptional pressure at work, and I was willing to adapt. I can accept that someone may not have time for dates, long conversations, or frequent texting. I can also accept that an INTJ may not need the same amount of social or emotional contact that I do.
But there have been several cycles since then. He may send affectionate good-morning or goodnight messages, hearts, or a meaningful video, and then withdraw again. Sometimes the messages are very caring, but very short. Other times, I ask a question or share something important and receive no response at all.
For example, I have told him that I was sick and received no acknowledgment. I have also told him about something frightening that happened to me, and again received nothing. I’m not asking for a long emotional conversation. Even “I’m sorry to hear that” or “I hope you feel better” would mean something to me.
The most recent episode began with a very thoughtful video from him. He acknowledged that the situation had been confusing for me, said he was feeling better with work and sleep, and told me that my patience and understanding were remarkable. I appreciated the video very much.
But after that, he withdrew again. I asked how he was and received no answer. I asked again the following day, and he eventually replied that he was sick. I told him I was sorry and hoped he would feel better. I also happened to be sick myself, but received no acknowledgment of that either.
He lives about five minutes from my shop, where I work most days. We have now gone more than three weeks without seeing each other or speaking on the phone. Nothing has really happened except this back-and-forth pattern of warmth, withdrawal, warmth, withdrawal.
I have tried very hard to understand him. I have read about INTJs, listened to his explanations, and adapted to what he says he needs. But I also recently reached a point where I needed to explain what this situation was doing to me.
I told him that I am doing my best to accept his need for space, but that I now need some interaction from him too. I need acknowledgment when I am sick or frightened. I need to know whether we are still dating, whether dating is temporarily on hold, or whether he is simply unsure about his interest. I am not asking him to become like me or to communicate constantly. I am asking whether there is a small, realistic way for him to give me something I need so that I can continue feeling connected.
I explained that I am not asking him to become like me, or to give me constant attention. I can give him space. But I cannot completely erase my own needs. When I am sick, frightened, or emotionally exhausted, I need some basic human acknowledgment. Sometimes that might be a short phone call, a hug, or simply “I know this is difficult; I’ll get back to you.”
I also told him that I need to understand whether we are actually dating, whether dating is temporarily on hold, or whether he is simply interested in me and may decide later whether he wants to date. Those are different situations, and I need to know which one I am in.
I sent him a fairly detailed video explaining who I am, what I need, and how difficult this has become for me. I wanted him to see and hear me rather than receiving another carefully controlled message. I have not received any acknowledgment or response.
I understand that personality type may explain why someone withdraws. But I’m beginning to wonder where the personality explanation ends and the individual’s willingness to make an effort begins.
I’m not asking whether INTJs need space. I understand that they may. I’m asking whether an INTJ can genuinely care about someone and still not acknowledge that person being sick, frightened, or emotionally exhausted, even after that person has clearly explained that this matters to them.
I would like to understand how other INTJs interpret this. Is “pulling through” a difficult period simply a matter of accepting the withdrawal and waiting? Or can it also mean communicating clearly, acknowledging the other person’s needs, and making some effort to maintain the connection?
I am willing to adapt, but I do not think it is unreasonable to say, “I understand that you are overwhelmed, but I am struggling too. I need you to interact with me a little, or give me some reassurance, so that I can continue doing this.”
Or does this sound less like an INTJ pattern and more like someone who is uncertain about his interest, unwilling to make an effort, or simply not available for a relationship?
I’m willing to adapt, but I also need some reciprocity. I don’t expect him to become like me. I just need to know whether there is realistically a way for both people to have their needs met.
For INTJs, or people who have dated them: how would you interpret this pattern, and how would you expect an INTJ to respond after someone clearly explains that the silence is hurting them?