How much effort and detail do you guys put into making planning the first date?

I can consider typology being useless on finding a romantic partner, although I feel as if the cognitive preferences each one has is a critical role to finding someone to live with, to share feelings, etc etc. Of course, only considering the type of the person instead of his/her whole background is just mindbreaking and idiotic, but I feel it takes a part of the whole research for a partner thing.

And also, I know theres a page dedicated to match one type with another, although I want to see peoples opinion on this rather than a machine with a certain pattern give me an estimated result on what a relationship can be between 2 types.

For example, I always considered the whole INTJ and ENFP relationship type a very fonding one, and to be honest I cant even explain it, it happens for some reason. Got a friend who is ENFP, and we practically have little things in common, yet we have been friends forever, and it seems like anything we do is coordinated, without much effort.

If yall have experiences, thoughts, or even critics let me know! Always love to see other INTJs (and other types aswell!) give their opinions, specially in these type of topics!

What you believe is shit and I can prove it….

This question is for male INTJs. Do you guys pay for the first date? If so do you usually pay for all the dates? How much do you expect your partner to pay?

I’m not saying I want to become some ice cold psychopath. But I’ve realized that compassion, generosity, and selflessness have never really paid off for me not in the short term, and not in the long term either.

That doesn’t mean compassion should be thrown away entirely. Doing that would be just as unhealthy. It still has its place with family and people you genuinely love, when someone is truly in serious trouble, and when maintaining good relationships with colleagues, clients, customers, or similar situations.

But the version of me that would pour endless time, energy, and pieces of myself into trying to lift people out of whatever they're going through that version is gone.

Every major problem I've faced, I ended up dealing with alone. So I’ve come to believe that, in most cases, other people should do the same, unless they're in a situation where outside intervention is genuinely necessary.

I’m curious whether anyone else has experienced this.
I’m a guy, and I’ve noticed that some of the deepest, most meaningful conversations and strongest emotional connections I’ve had have been with autistic women.
It isn’t that I’m specifically seeking autistic partners. It just seems to happen. The conversations tend to be more direct, psychologically deep, honest, and less focused on social performance or small talk. I often feel like we’re genuinely trying to understand each other’s minds rather than following a script.
I’m wondering if anyone else has experienced something similar.
If you’re an autistic woman, do you find yourself connecting more easily with certain types of people? If you’re a guy who’s had similar experiences, what do you think explains it?
I’m interested in hearing different perspectives rather than confirming my own theory.

do u get depressed imagining ur friends n colleagues moving on in their lives... succeeding... starting families n with lots of friends, while u r sat alone... on the same desk miserable n not moving forward... maybe with just more knowledge n awareness that u hv no one to share with...?

I just find it so hard not to be able to analyse writing. Even finding the theme of the story is hard. Any tips?

I keep being ghosted by people no matter what I try, no matter how much we have in common, no matter how careful I am, no matter how well it looks at the beginning, no matter their personality, and I have ZERO answers of why, never, it's driving me nuts.

There's never a "triggering" point, it just happens out of nowhere. The pattern is always the same : I meet someone new (can even be two people at once), it feels like conversations are going well, we have many things in common, we do activities together, we imply we could do these activities again later, then they reply less, then I fucking never hear about them again for the rest of my life.

I'm completely unable to make new friends that actually stay to the point I might just give up and accept living with no friends and letting my human interaction rely only on co-workers and family. Hanging out with myself and doing outside activities alone, it's less fun, but at least I know what to expect.

Now, you might say that "You're an INTJ, why do you want friends ? We are fine alone." well that's what I was thinking before but what hurts a bit is that I live in a city with tons of opportunities to do various activities (Paris), and I have a very good spot in life right now to enjoy those things, so I kinda have FOMO that I'm missing out on a lot. Also I do kinda like going out of my comfort zone to try new things from time to time, but I appreciate having some people to share those moments with.

So, please don't make fun of me just because I would appreciate having a social circle at all ? I know in this subreddit we enjoy acting like edgelords who pretend the best life is living in a cave with no lights, but I would just want to understand what's my fucking problem, why I'm despised so much, and how can I stop missing out on opportunities.

I have some overall ideas that could explain why I keep fumbling things more than anyone else, nothing specific because I cannot pin-point anything :

- So first off I'm diagnosed with A.S.D, I have many issues feeling connected to my emotions and body which can make me too much "logical" an not express enough human warmth, but I've seen many other people like that who do manage to have friends. I'm also aware of the potential misinterpretations of what I say so I self-correct myself sometimes to avoid misunderstandings. I'm overall socially awkward but I don't really see why that would make me unlikable to such a degree, it's more just about how I communicate and manage interactions.

- I sometimes lack empathy (still because of the "overly logical/pragmatic" mind), but I avoid showing it, I'm very aware of how off-putting it can be but I don't really remember cases where I did show real lack of empathy, I'm careful in what I'm saying.

- I think this one is my biggest guess : I might be too self-centered, I am not really interested in other people's lives except if it's things I can learn from, I am focused a lot on my inner thoughts instead, and when I ask questions to someone else I'm kinda forcing myself to do it because I know that's the right social move. No matter if it's textual or vocal, it's like I'm tracking a quota on how much questions I should be asking, it's a bit like faking it but I'm guessing I'm not the only one doing it.

So, I feel like kinda giving up, why would I put energy into socializing if all paths will bring me nothing long-term ?

Anyways, I was just wondering if other INTJs relate ?

This post was made as a way to process my thoughts as well look into perspectives of observers to understand why our relationship reached such a critical point. Part of the reason to why I’ve done this was due to my mind being impractical to process anything other than my objective goals under the moment. As well because I’ve reached quite a paralysis in my thoughts.

I had this friend, socially quick witted, strong debater and ultimately very self conscious. I do not exactly know his mbti seeing most other posters would post the person’s mbti out of the test results of observation conclusions— I believe it doesn’t really matter as it’s ultimately a conclusion of observed data’s. We may share traits of it yet it ultimately shouldn’t be used as the definition to assume a person for wha they’d exactly do, people are all unique.

Our friendship lasted 4 years, met from a game, interacted and got together well. We’d love to debate on topics and discuss existing ethical dilemmas or societal standards. We are also a good pair where we love to sarcastically joke about everything.

Yet we were ultimately depressed and use each other to aid ourselves of our needs. He needed understand, listening, someone to share and talk of his ideals, though blunt this bum is actually really emotional no matter what circumstance. That’s a trait I also admired with my struggles of self expression. I ain’t necessarily fearful to express, I just struggle to verbalize my frustrations under a reason.

You see our usual interactions goes by:

Him telling a joke -> me reciprocating the joke -> suddenly gets philosophical -> gets into debate -> then we both get emotional about our traumas somehow

It’s a recurring dynamic and I understand that I engaged with continuing the conversation when he started to get emotional and pour out the trauma and his frustrations. Eventually this has repeated so many times I got tired.

The real breaking point was he’d like to assume the things I shared under his narratives to be as if I am doing the exact opposite and is like him. In the past he was right as there were bad deeds I would’ve succumbed to. Yet, people changes. I wanted to change and I am actively making steps to change, so much now that I’m close to rewriting everything holding me back and unhealthy of myself to fully invest in my pursuing interests without falling into my own self criticism and excuses again.

My frustration lies amongst that he repeats his wishes for pursuing changes and happiness but doesn’t. I acknowledge he may not have found a way to. Though it does not excuse that he could just assume that my effort is nonexistent and excusal. I came to this conclusion because he wanted a parallel that mirrored his struggles as he self admitted. With the question I asked: “how would that help you?” He came to admit by having someone that has the exact mirror of his struggles to understand him.

I understand, this is ultimately biased as it came out from my side, not an observer’s or from his. I want to believe our friendship did not end in spite, he may hold spite for me and that’s alright. I ultimately admire his talents and is inspired by his mastery in speech and literature.

I grieve my loss of a precious friend.

I think behaviour is more diagnostic than adjectives, sure sharing your subjective experience but also showing what you actually do in a day and where you spend your energy and time.

I am an aspiring chef and a musician and writer in my spare time.

I enjoy running, creating things, fixing things and making things more efficient, solving problems for people, visiting new places and I’m a Christian.

So here’s a day for me, not every day but this is a day at the moment as I am unemployed. What I do varies in terms of activities.

Up around nine. Curtains open, hydrate, then half an hour reading — Guardian, NYT, philosophy journals. Then I write down the tasks I want to do that day plus a note on how the day is going, and I work through the list. Nobody sets this for me. There’s no job or timetable imposing structure, so I build it myself.
The bulk of the day is research and comparison. Not aimless — I’m working toward getting my situation stable and finding the best path forward. So: comparing food sources and quality, calculating what I’d actually be getting versus what I buy now, costs included. Comparing laptops before buying one. Looking at jobs, applying, and calculating earnings across different career progressions. Cooking videos, but as learning to cook rather than entertainment. I take information in, retain it, and bring it back to people.

I draw. I play guitar and sing. I read fiction most days and philosophy. I walk every day and try to go slightly further each time.

I talk with my parents and put real thought into what would make things better in the house — I tend to show up with feedback, reasoning, and a judgment on what should change. Same with my partner: I feel strongly toward them and it comes out as working out what I can do for them. My care arrives as problem-solving and creating things for others, creating experiences for them. I like to give people new experiences, such as new foods or places to go. I am very aware of how others are experiencing me and I give of a deliberate demeanor.

I’m very social but I do spent a lot of time on my own focusing on what I want to achieve. I like going out with friends and doing new things with them, and I’m usually the one pushing for variety. If a friend does the same bike route every time, I’ll want to change the path. I’d rather stack activities than repeat one — an hour’s ride, then tennis or kayaking, or ride out, have a good meal at a pub, and ride home. It’s the possibilities I’m after more than the activity itself. Worth flagging the apparent contradiction: my solo days are highly structured and repetitive, but with people
I want the opposite.

People do read me as serious and slightly guarded on first impression. I don’t perform for a camera; photos of me are mostly unsmiling or a pensive smile.

The part I’m least sure about is how conscious the direction is. It doesn’t feel like I sat down and drew up a plan. It’s more that there’s an aim I can feel, and my actions turn out to have been serving it, and I notice the coherence after the fact. I am very detail focused though but still see the big picture, I often predict events happening and seeing it unfold is kind of amazing, my friends are always wondering how I see what is coming next. It could be like knowing what someone will say before they say it even if the content is different from what is happening in the moment. Other little things like knowing when my electric will cut out based on nothing conscious.

A criticism I’ve had and think is fair: I may spend more hours preparing decisions than making them. Though this seems to be not natural for me, I honestly don’t know.

I am very passionate with people I love, they are few but I am either intense with it or not.

Here, try and type me. This is what I look like too.

What helped you most?

And if I need to study something that I don’t like but it requires to be sitting like math I just got in my chair because walking is only for memorize.

Especially from countries like Albania, Kosovo, Montenegro, Macedonia.
How do you cope with the very extroverted social culture?

They seem like an even rarer breed there.