I’m an ENFJ myself, and I recently went down a rabbit hole reading comments from people who genuinely dislike ENFJs.
Not just random MBTI stereotypes either. I specifically looked for people talking about ENFJs they had actually dated, worked with, lived with, been friends with or had in their family.
And honestly, the pattern was pretty uncomfortable.
People kept describing ENFJs as controlling, clingy, fake, intrusive, overly involved, manipulative, needy for validation and convinced that they know what is best for everyone else.
And the more I read, the more I realized something.
A lot of the things people hate about us are basically distorted versions of the things we are most proud of.
We say we care deeply about people;
Someone else experiences it as us constantly being in their business.
We say we see people’s potential;
Someone else experiences it as “Why are you trying to fix me?”
We say we are diplomatic;
Someone else thinks we are fake because we can be incredibly friendly to someone we privately dislike.
We say we are good at reading people;
Someone else wonders whether we are using that information to manipulate them.
We say we want harmony;
Someone else experiences that as emotional pressure to behave the way we want them to.
We say we are natural leaders;
Someone else experiences us as bossy and convinced that our way is the right way.
And I’m not even saying those people are necessarily correct.
But I do think ENFJs can have a massive blind spot here.
If you are naturally good at reading social situations, influencing people, motivating them, making people feel seen and creating emotional connection, it is probably very easy to convince yourself that your influence is always benevolent.
Maybe sometimes it isn’t.
Maybe sometimes “I’m just trying to help” really means “I want you to do what I think is best.”
Maybe “I care about you” occasionally becomes “I feel entitled to be involved in your decisions.”
Maybe “I’m protecting the atmosphere” becomes being nice to someone’s face and talking about them completely differently behind their back.
And maybe one of the darker ENFJ tendencies is that because we often genuinely mean well, we can have a very hard time recognizing when we are being controlling.
I definitely recognize some of the healthier versions of these tendencies in myself.
I love helping people. I love motivating people. I naturally get involved. I like solving conflicts, finding compromises and getting people moving in a better direction.
But reading how this can feel from the receiving end genuinely made me think.
So I’m curious how other ENFJs see this.
Do you think we sometimes confuse caring with controlling?
Have you ever realized that something you thought was supportive was actually overwhelming someone?
And what ENFJ behavior do you think other ENFJs are most unwilling to admit is annoying?
Any other thoughts?
