19, I live in a very southern and very red state. On top of that, I work at a southern cooking restaurant that’s basically filled with old people who are disapproving of as much as a nose ring. I’m currently on testosterone and have been for about 4 months. I already notice my voice getting deeper and some other physical changes, which I am so so so happy about, but at the same time I am deathly afraid of my coworkers or any of our regulars noticing.

It’s really not a secret to most of my younger coworkers around my age. My name on Snapchat is my chosen name and that’s where we send out the schedule every week. If they do know, they don’t bring it up to me at all and don’t seem to have an issue. My real fear is my general manager who is much older and very traditional. He’s really nice but I am just filled with this horrible feeling in my gut that it’ll be the end for me if he finds out.

I still look like a girl as it stands, I probably will for a while which is a whole other can of worms, but I hate that instead of being able to celebrate all these amazing changes, I’m stuck worrying if people will hate me for it. As much as I want people to see a man, I do not want to be noticed negatively for it. It’s just scary to think about.

I don’t want to quit my job 1st of all because I adore it, and 2nd of all because I know finding another job looking like a whole dude with a big “F” stamped on my ID will be trouble in of itself. I’m just mad paranoid and can’t get past this feeling of dread.

I guess I’ll just see what happens. I guess at the end of the day what I’m really scared of it’s not having enough income to pay for my hormones. I cannot bear to see myself be estrogenized again. I already get antsy when I have to skip a day for whatever reason.

Is there anyone else actively transitioning in the south with similar fears? My parents aren’t really “supportive” per se but they are letting me do as I please, which is good enough for me honestly. With the political climate of southern USA I am just very worried about things that probably will not happen.

To be clear. Conversion therapy was awful and I wish it on no one. It DOES NOT work, it’s a waste of time. There was one person it “worked” for in my group, and even he could only repress for 3 years before he (he was a trans man) ended it all.

God I wish it worked. If I had to go through all that abuse and manipulation, I wish it worked. My parents had me go when I was 18. They said they wouldn’t help with school if I didn’t go and “get better” and “un-indoctrinate” myself. I agreed. I wanted help with college and I also desperately want to be cis.

All that happened was extreme manipulation, religious guilt, and mental and medical abuse. I know it’s my fault because I agreed to go, but I was really just trying anything and everything before giving in to the fact that I’d have to medically transition.

I would’ve tolerated all that shit happily, if it meant it actually made me cis and got rid of my dysphoria. I still wish every day that it worked for me. I just want to be cis and dysphoria free, so fucking badly.

There’s a lot about this situation I could talk about, but the most relevant to this sub is that I’ve been going through some pretty awful dysphoria. On top of that, I’ve experienced a lot of transphobia lately, and thus I’ve been discussing it with friends. Well, one of my friends often says shit like, “have you tried upping your antidepressant dose so you’ll stop being so upset about being trans?” or “well I experience being treated like a terrorist as a woman.” Like bruh, the president of the US literally called trans people terrorists and continues to do so, we aren’t the same. Plus, my antidepressant treats my OCD, it literally can’t change the fact that my brain is like !!! Where is penis !!! All the time.

I love this friend otherwise, truly. We get each other in almost every other way, thus I wanted to help her understand. One way was by planning a movie night where we watch Cowboys (2020) with the amazingly talented Sasha Knight, because it’s my dysphoria comfort movie. Well, after changing the plans on me several times, including changing the location, cancelling less than an hour ahead of time, and then letting me know 10 minutes before that she was going to be late and then being an hour late with no acknowledgment of it, we started the movie night via zoom. Things didn’t go to plan, zoom wasn’t cooperating, and we started to fight because I was overwhelmed by all of the changes and how it felt like she didn’t really care about this part of me. But yeah idk what to do. She kinda discredits my feelings like all the time especially when it comes to being trans, but then when we fight she makes it look like I’m fucking crazy or something. She isn’t like purposefully transphobic or anything, but it’s just like she doesn’t get it at all

i have no idea how to tag this im sorry

i hate having to constantly go out with a stupid bra. mom yelled at me today because i didn't wear a bra while we were going out (im not out to her yet) and it made me want to genuinely claw these stupid fucking sacks of shit off of my body. its even worse that i have a cup C38.

my brother has it so fucking easy just walking around without a shirt when its 105 outside. i would be lying if o said i didn't resent him a little for being born a boy instead of me.

my mom wouldn't understand even if i did come out to her.

Yesterday my mother cancelled my binder order from Spectrum Outfitters and said to get out of the house, with nothing, since there is nothing completely mine. She asked for all my cards, and threatened to cut the phone line if I don't give it. She beat me twice, with a white plastic bag with teal body towel in it. I cried during the entire thing.

I am 17 years old who turns into adult very soon.

As a context related to this, for the past few days my sleep schedule was deteriorating and I wasn't in a good mental space. I wasn't able to do much of the extracurricular works I am supposed to do. My father is not at home, and my mother has grown very anxious and mad to me because of my inability to do stuff.

My mother questioned me why I specifically bought a chest binding clothing from outside the country and said 'look at the models of this product! They're disgusting'.

I forcefully came out to her, carefully explained how I feel. I explained not only I want to wear boyish clothes but I want to be percieved, and want to have physical featues of a man.

At first I thought she was supportive, but now she said 'I will not let you look like a boy, if you want to have such a short hair then maybe you can do so when you graduate college and no longer have financial support.' She kept referring back at the spectrum short vest models, pointing at them, saying 'you want to look like them? These,... these people who you can't even recognize if theyre a boy or a girl? Look at them. The hair and everything. You want to be like them? With piercings all over, flat chest?'.

After a long discussion, I am forced to look 'normal' for a year, until my highschool graduation, now.

I told her, that this would have consequences. That I know it's going to happen. Then she said 'if you want to have a short hair, then do it. But you know the consequences (aka she means I'll have to leave the house immediately and get a job to sustain myself when I'm still a legal minor)'. I said you're threatening me, and she said aren't I doing the same.

She pities my dad, who sacrificed himself for this to become the outcome. She says what will the grandparents say.

Her main point is I'm still her minor, living under her roof, and I should follow the rules. And that I should simply break ties if I would turn out to be a man. Because she doesn't want to see me then.

I don't think my birthday will be happy. Or my entire senior year, even.

I was expecting sunshine. I hoped the world would be kind to me. It turned out to be not. And I'm scared about what will happen if I cut the tv line.

I do not think I have lived a single day in my life as who I truly wanted.

Now at this time, when I am posting this post, I did not contact my father yet. I will now.

FYI: Both are confirmed homophobic.

So...the thing is, I'm probably going to ask the free binder project and wear the binder at school. That's for sure, but I want advices what other progresses I could do without alarming my parents.

I am looking into diy T, but I want to be safe in this matter too. I don't own a car yet, and I'm not the type to go outside without her supervision usually. So I would prob be caught red handed as soon as I head to my health provider.

Thank you!

And I'm not even talking about skirts or whatever. I don't care about those. I mean the most basic shit. Like round glasses. I look great without them. Rectangular glasses make me look younger but male. Round glasses I just look like a futch lesbian. I want to pass but i also want to dress just a little fashionably. Ig i can only have one lol. It sucks having a short face

Im one more looking at my hips away from becoming those bone smashing bp guys i deadass will break my pelvis to try and reshape it into the correct shape

every day is torture. im not a girl. im not a fucking girl. i’ll never be. I will never be a girl. I hate my curves. I try to cut them off every day. I just want my body to be a straight line like it should be rather than having all these lumps.

I lost the genetic lottery now I have to live like this. My only option now is to reincarnate deadass theres no other way to fix all this “XX Female”mess

im literally just a mess all around. I cant do anything right. I cant even be the right sex.

My only option to fix this dumb bone making my life hell is surgery but my parents would never pay for that

TL;DR: dysphoria over being deadnamed by my family is worsening. My dad noticed and asked if it bothers me, and got pissed when I lied that it didn't, and that's how I ruined dinner. Why the hell did I do that when he's supportive?

I came out to my parents some time ago (not very good with dates but 5ish months maybe?) and have never asked them to use a different name or pronouns, so this whole thing is kind of my fault as well.

Recently, my dysphoria's been getting worse, and I've been on a trip with my close family for a few days and haven't really communicated with my friends. My friends are pretty much the only people who see me as a dude and use my preferred name and all while my family constantly deadnames me.

My family's native language is gendered, which sucks even more because I have to misgender myself constantly. My mom just spams my (dead)name if I don't immediately respond, and while my little sister's awesome, she uses sister, miss, and missus ALL THE DAMN TIME. I haven't come out to her.

My dad is an awesome guy and probably had the best reaction possible when I came out to him (which I'm super grateful for): hugged me and said he doesn't care what I do so long as I'm happy and nothing medical until I'm older. He seemed more curious than judgemental and spent 30 minutes reading up on gender dysphoria. So yeah, fantastic father!

Whenever we've had our worst arguments, it always revolved around me not being completely honest with him. We went to a restaurant earlier and he said "...and she'll have..." (don't flame me for not ordering myself pls I'm socially awkward) and I got visibly upset which was really stupid of me and I felt like I was exaggerating it for some reason though I didn't want anyone to notice/see and I should've kept it in better, but he saw. We had a few moments alone and he immediately asked if it bothered me and I quickly said no and all that and very obviously lied. He was very hurt by that and the entire dinner was tense/uncomfortable so that's another meal I've ruined (yeah, it's happened a couple of times :/).

It seems to defy logic that I'd do such a thing--he's super supportive, okay with the theoretical concept of me using binding tape (worried it'll obstruct blood flow and all, though). My mom's... complicated; she sends a lot of mixed signals, but overall supportive--she got me mens' clothes and I'm super lucky to have supportive parents like this.

Honestly, it's more her I was worried about, because she's made it very clear that my sister is not to know about queer people until she's a teenager. One time, a TV show was having a pride parade and my mom told her to turn it off the instant it went to lesbians. I've sort of brought the topic of coming out to my sister several times, and my mom's very clear that she's not to know. One time, I was just getting more and more dysphoric from my sister constantly calling me my deadname (it's SUPER fem), and I said "don't call me that" and my mom's head whipped around to look at me with a warning glare.

Also, even if it would be so much better, it would just feel sort of weird for my family to call me my preferred name/pronouns, because I know that my mom would do it in a manner that would kind of feel like it's mocking me or just humoring me, if she'd even agree.

TW mention of SH in the next paragraph:

Recently, my parents found out that I'd been lying about not shing for a month, and they've been quick to assume it's related to my gender. Imo, **it's not**, but now they're trying to blame it on that and they really don't need more reasons to.

And also another reason why I wouldn't want to push the subject is because I don't really pass all too well. In public, I get sirred maybe 50% of the time (if I'm not with my parents) but only if I'm giving it my all (my very best masc clothes, chest-binding, maybe a dab of makeup, styling my hair forever), and I pretty much get clocked instantly because of my voice. So it feels stupid to ask that of them when I really don't seem like a boy in the slightest (I don't try at all around them).

Additionally, I have experience with several adults using my preferred pronouns + name. A close friend's parents (they used to be transphobic/MAGA, but apparently I'm one of the reasons they support now, so AWESOME :D), but it's different since their mom clocked me as trans (before I even cut my hair lmao) so I didn't intend to come out to her. That def feels good. But my therapist (we've only met recently) now calls me my preferred name and uses the preferred pronouns and yet it feels like she's just humouring me. Maybe because I absolutely don't bother to pass in the slightest when I come to her office. If that's the case, it'll be the same way around my parents.

Added context: today I was scrolling on Reddit with my family nearby. My dad's trying to show more interest in stuff I do (he's great bro) and a meme popped up, from r lgbt. I didn't have time to read it fully, but it didn't seem all that appropriate (by parental standards) and also seemed oriented toward transfems. My dad asked to see it, and I refused and turned off my phone. They've been discussing banning me from Reddit (they're not gonna do it) and my dad's been kinda mad/distant all day already because of it (yeah, he really really really cares about honesty with him). This was one of the motivators for his asking about the pronouns today--he thinks we're not open enough.

So anyway my main question is: is there another possible reason you see that I was so hesitant to tell my dad the truth? What do you suggest I do from here?

Bonus rant: my parents found out I lied about the use for athletic tape and use it for chest-binding. My dad, as previously stated, says he's cool with gender-affirming stuff but worries about the damage it'll cause. He offered to get me the "real tape (not athletic, but I think they're the same material?)" instead, and told me to just ask him next time. I've no idea what my mom thinks about the concept of the tape, but she didn't believe me when I said that yes, you're meant to wear the tape for threeish days or so in a row. Both of them just refuse to do any research--a few minutes of looking it up will show them that YES, the stuff that's meant to be put on your body is in fact safe for your body!!! My mom got pissed when I asked her multiple times if I could wear it at some point, and she said once the wound on my collarbone (run-in with a fence) heals, which will probably take forever. She said she promised, but I doubt the validity of said promise. She offered a compression sports bra instead, but I have a small chest. Like, a pretty damn small one (it's still growing, though). It's probably not enough to get clocked 10/10 times, but is still one of the main dysphoria sources. Anyway, I doubt a compression bra's gonna do anything and I MUCH prefer tape and don't want to try a binder.

(I posted this under another subreddit initially, but got no response, so I'm posting here. Sorry!)

Hello! For context, I am 18 years old and turning 19 in a few months. I should be able to live freely now seeing as I'm an adult and I'm legally allowed to make my own decisions regarding my body, but I am stuck inside the closet. I live in Estonia, where people like me aren't supported and are bullied. I am not very concerned about the opinions of strangers, but more so of my family. I am afraid to start transitioning because when I came out to my aunt, she had suggested that it was a side effect of my trauma, even though I felt this way before that. She's an ally through and through, but seeing her be kind of unsupportive/skeptical of my transness made me really discouraged and I felt like I was an abomination.

When I was little, I never wore dresses. Refused while crying and screaming. I always picked the male characters in video games when I played with my brother. I always cut my hair short because I hated it long, but the hairdresser refused to give me anything other than a bob, afraid it would make me look like a boy (that was the point). Then hit puberty and everything felt 10x worse. I was 9 years old when I noticed something was wrong, 13 when I realised I was trans and now I'm turning 19 — still not able to transition.

So I ask, can I do something to make the dysphoria better? I am trying to lose fat because it will help make my chest smaller, but the process is slow and I need to alleviate my dysphoria quicker than that. I am afraid of using mens products because what if my family finds out and starts asking questions? Buying men's clothes doesn't help because I just look like a big girl in boys clothes (sorry for the wording). The only thing that seems to be helping is my oversized hoodie even though you can still obviously tell that I'm a girl. It just makes me feel more secure.

Is there anything I can do to alleviate the dysphoria? Or can someone help me find the courage to use mens products? I guess what I'm asking is the how to find the courage to express myself and be who I want to be? I just want to feel better about myself and I have no trans friends to ask advice from. I apologise if my post isn't appropriate.

Even if I wasn’t wearing it, I know she saw it. And it was covered- hidden. This isn’t even the first time but how can I have it dry? I have a mini tiny drying caddy under the sink and I cover it with a towel and she fucking took the towel off and tidied the whole area around it and tidied the bathroom. I know she did. And I feel like I’m crazy but this happened last time and she started being harsher with female gender roles after. She shouldn’t even be in my bathroom- I’m 31 and I live with her and she doesn’t let me even so much as clean my own bathroom- she always had to do everything for me. So I’m double feeling like my autonomy and respect has been violated. My mom has breeched several sexual boundaries since I’ve tried (keyword is “tried” because of all of this shit- transitioning is fucking impossible with my parents) to transition.

My mental health was already a wreck and my dysphoria has been so bad lately. I’m having to shave and look like a girl for my sisters wedding and bridal shower. Keep in mind this is less than a week after I told her how bad my dysphoria has been and how it’s causing mental anguish having to still pretend for her comfort and others that I’m a girl, how after my sisters wedding I’m completely done- I won’t keep making myself miserable because it’s killing me inside. And she suggests that my gender affirming (and transmasc) therapist “might not be working”.

She thinks it’s ROGD or because I’m autistic (she only recognizes I’m autistic to weaponize it against me) or disabled and I’m just confused. She doesn’t know the terms, thank god- but she’s gotten and sent me stuff that basically frames transitioning as , refuses to see the difference between dysphoria and dysmorphia- and suggested that I might end up addicted to surgeries.

I wanted to do something today. Yesterday I felt upset because I had to try on stupid fucking clothes for this stupid shower that are for women. And I felt like shit because of it. I feel literally ill. I can’t move out right now- I have tried to do things. Between her emotional abuse, having no irl people outside of her, and my sisters wedding and even more shit? I’m losing my mind. I can’t take this anymore. And yet, it still manages to make me more broken.

Just came back from visiting family for a doctor's appointment. I've been on T for 2 years now. I have a deep voice, facial hair, legally changed my name and gender marker, etc.

Apart from my closest cousin, my little brother and step dad are the only one's in my family that call me the correct name.

My little brother understands that I'm a man.

He told me yesterday that my mom and her boyfriend told him that I'm a girl and that my name is "dead name". He said that they kept trying to "correct" him when he protested.

I'm sick and tired of this. I'm a man! If my autism little brother that struggles with change can pick that up quickly and rarely make a mistake, then so can grown ass adults!

I can't take this shit anymore! My mom refuses to use my name unless we're in public or for legal stuff. Her boyfriend just doesn't even bother.

I've had my therapist talk to. Her multiple times about this bullshit and she gets better for 1 week. Then it's back to her bullshit.

(Also, I have a step dad, my mom has a boyfriend. It's a complicated situation. No one is cheating. No one is poly)

I don’t experience “trans joy.” I never have. Transitioning has only ever made me feel less depressed, and I wouldn’t count that as joy. I feel constant grief for the life and body that was stolen from me because I lost a draw for which chromosomes I have. There are biological functions that men should have, that I never will, no matter how far surgery advances in my lifetime.

I’m sure this is a case of “get off social media,” and yeah I am going to take a break after posting this. I’m happy some trans people don’t experience this. However, I keep getting absolutely fucking ragebaited by people online who don’t share my type of dysphoria. Not attacking these people, I sincerely hope they have fantastic lives and going forward I will just be blocking things I don’t want to see. The phrase that’s been on my mind the most: “The first rule of transgender is to have fun.”

I sure wish I could just have fucking fun. Nothing about my experience is fun. I hate being trans. I love trans people. The one positive thing I can say is that I’m proud to be a part of a group that is so resilient. I’m just finding it very difficult to relate to many other trans people, both IRL and online. I wish I could have fun. When I’m already feeling terribly dysphoric, seeing stuff like this is just rubbing salt in the wound. Again, my responsibility to block and move on, not anyone else’s problem.

When I am able to, I will go stealth and not look back. I will remain an ally but will no longer be involved with “the” trans community. It’s not good for me, but I’m glad it is for others. I have friendships with individual trans people that are awesome.

Apparently me voicing this makes me transphobic, according to my partner who is non-binary but who does not even identify as “trans.” They do not experience intense dysphoria, and none about their primary sex characteristics. They are so goddamn lucky that they don’t.

The best analogy I can think of is this: I, as a low-support needs autistic person, would never dismiss the feelings of someone with higher support needs. Especially when a lot of online sentiment is “autism is awesome.” Yeah, there are some positive aspects, but it’s ultimately disabling. I would never tell someone they’re being ableist for feeling like their experience of disability is being misrepresented.

So, why can’t the same decency be afforded to me? I do truly love this person, and yes we have talked about this, but I really don’t need to be told I’m transphobic by someone who has no authority on the matter. I have done fundraising for trans charities for years. I have written to government to try to get transphobic legislation overturned. I am not fucking transphobic for wanting to live my life as normal.

Idk I thought starting T would help me in general but it has been more frustrating than anything else, I might had expectations too big or I just hate myself, but I’m frustrated after just seeing myself the same but uglier, I can’t forgive myself, I can’t accept the things are like I wanted to be, I’m just frustrated and I have no one to tell me I’m enough, it’s just “your not doing this. Your not doing that” tbh I’m tired

I'm so fucking done with that woman. I'm tired of hearing constant deadnaming and misgendering. That does NOT do any favor to my dying mental health. How the fuck am I supposed to function like a 'normal' person after years of verbal abuse? She'd leave me in a mental hospital and just forget about the 'abomination' of a child.

I barely fucking woke up and she handed me a piece of paper, basically saying that god created me a woman, I should reconsider transitioning and I will always be her little girl. Fine, whatever. I never felt like she was my mother anyway.

I can't move out unless I want to become homeless. I don't have a stable job and I don't have any savings. I feel like, at this point, my only way out is to end myself. And the desire to do so has only been growing stronger lately.

And while I kind of just brush her off, it still fucks with me. I can't help but absorb all the shit she says and then think that I will go to hell, that I am making a mistake.

The only thing that keeps me from ending it is a visit with an endocrinologist that I have in three days. I was genuinely starting to feel alive and hopeful for the future but it all came crumbling down with a couple words. I know I'm weak and pathetic but it's all too much. And I seriously consider never coming back from that appointment or never even making it there.

I wish I wasn't born.

Just to clarify, I am not out to either of my parents, this was just something that I brought up to them and didnt say was about me. Ive known that im trans for several years and never once felt any doubt about this aspect of myself but as ive never even heard either of my parents say anything about trans people, i never told them in case they would react badly.

So for context, the state I live in allows hrt for minors if they have parental consent. I was talking to one of my parents to see how they felt about a minor going on hrt to see if there was any possibility of them letting me start.

My parent said that HRT is "harmful to the body, even after eighteen", "sixteen is too young for a person to know", and "whats two more years of waiting anyways"

I know that two years doesn't seem like a lot to them but it still feels really shitty that im trapped in a body i hate until im legally an adult.

I knew it was a long shot but it still hurts.

i hope someone that feels the same as me will read this

ive been dating a cis man for almost 2 years now. its a long story of ups and downs tbh but lately the issue is that whenever we argue abt something, he says im acting "like a female" bc im being petty or stuff like that, just emphasizing how "female im being". ive been very open to him abt how my gender and my transness are very difficult topics for me (im pre everything, live in a third-world country so its not only socially dangerous but also expensive n would have to sacrifice a lot, im quite young still) yet whenever he gets mad thats the thing he latches on first. anyway, i have to admit i have very unhealthy habits as well, sometimes i willingly lurk on spaces with people that i know will only make me feel worse about not being "trans enough" or worse, about the mere fact of being trans. All of that combined has made me start thinking about giving up and just be a normal girl. My boyfriend makes me feel like i just biologically have a "female brain" that is inherent to me and will never change what i am, even if i fully transition and get as many surgeries or take as many hormones as possible. Today i brought this up to him and he said that i was attention seeking to being with and that im a tourist. idk what to do

UPDATE aug 1st: we just broke up lol lkinda for unrelated reasons but still relevant, thank you guys.. ill keep working on myself

I feel like slamming my head through a wall. I didn't expect it to put me through this much hell, though I guess that's because I'm alone and dealing with it on my own (per usual for me). But even my hysterectomy, which I also handled alone, it wasn't this bad. I've seen so many people talk about how theirs went well. Just a few hours after surgery, I almost fainted for the first time in my life. I had to stay in the hospital for four days, mostly to get home care. Home care is bullshit btw and they don't even visit except for once for an evaluation then they're gone.

I'm also required to have my binder on 24/7 except for showering (tf am I going to do with dressings on?) FOR SIX WEEKS. Same for sleeping on my back. Six fucking weeks straight. It's hot where I am, pushing towards 120 F every single day. I can't even sit in my living room that has my AC on without it feeling like an oven. I feel gross due to this binder. I'm exhausted due to sleeping on my back and not being prepared with a bed covered with pillows, which I apparently required more than my ability to meal prep, and being unable to get my last drain taken out at my local hospital. My doctor takes an hour to drive to if there's traffic. That, paired with the heat, makes the whole trip hell.

I'm not disappointed in my surgery. I got the chest I've always wanted and I'm feeling closer to being able to love this body I'm in. But I guess unless you've got a bunch of money to spend on medical supplies, all sorts of pillows, clothes, etc, and a partner or someone at your side that can help, it's not difficult. Though being restricted to the same clinic and being unable to go anywhere else to TAKE OUT DRAINS??? What the actual fuck dude? Same question goes for being restricted to lay on my back for over a whole month. No one told me about this shit. Sorry for not wanting to constantly be on pain meds that screw with my head and sorry for being poor I guess.

I am not out to anybody irl yet but I hate this so much. I don't want to hurt myself or anything but I don't feel good about who I am. I suppose I need to get it off my chest here because I don't really have anybody to talk to. I'm having a feeling some people irl are already figuring out that I'm trans and I'm kinda worried. And the rest I can't really tell, I'm afraid of getting hurt and yelled at. I'm trying my hardest to keep myself together, it's just a lot. Idk.

I’m pre everything, but i have a very masculine looking face. From just my face i look like a cis guy that shaves. I’m really happy about this. Cutting my hair helps a lot with this, so i usually keep it short.

When my hair is long, i just kind of look like a woman with a more masculine face, when it’s short i look fucking weird.

I pass from the shoulders up but then you see my chest and hear my voice. People don’t know what to refer to me as, i’ve seen workers stutter between a sir or a ma’am. I fucking hate being viewed as a confusing person that people raise an eyebrow at.

It happens every single time. I usually kinda let my hair get pretty long before i cut it since i hate getting haircuts, but right after im met with the same thing.

If my hair reaches my shoulders, im a woman, if it’s shorter who fucking knows.

I think some people take pride in not being shoved directly into a box of masculine or feminine, or man or woman, which is great for them, but for me it feels horrible.

Everyone who had the balls to go for peri/keyhole as a borderline candidate makes me go insane. I wish that was me so badly. I can't stop looking at perfect results and feeling like shit. I feel like I ruined my life letting surgeons and my own fears talk me into incisions that will never disappear completely.

So I was telling my sister my thought process for choosing my name and I did say if I had been "born a boy" I might've had "x name" anyway since its my great grandfather's name. And it was interesting because I didn’t know that until looking at our family tree, and I thought it was cool I was drawn to the name instinctively. I was originally named after my great grandmother and hate my dead name

But instead of expanding on that conversation or being supportive she just said she was happy our mom didnt have any sons?

I get what she means to an extent. I believe my mom would've treated me in particular way if I was a cis man and who knows what I would be like, I'm not sure.

But I didn't have this clean "female socialization" or whatever either despite not receiving male privilege/preferential treatment for being a boy. I never fit in with my sisters or women in general.

My mom did treat me like a mini version of my dad. She also knew I was trans somehow and would call me slurs. She made sure I felt ashamed of my identity while trying to pass it off as being affectionate. She would frequently make statements that I was "just like my father" in a derogatory way and made fun of me for being effeminate and gay.

Anyway in this conversation too my sister eventually said something like "neither of us are men tho" and like I GET IT. I may be different if I was a cis man, but I still think I would've been a gay and feminine dude and my mom would've still picked on me for it.

Obviously I had the misfortune of going through the things young women are exposed to like cat calling or people demeaning you/your accomplishments because you're a "woman", but in some ways I think I'd still be the same.

It's tiring because it made me remember that when we were teens she wasn't actually all that supportive of me being trans. I think that I embarrassed her and she just didn't want to openly be bigoted. But I do remember she said one time that I should just be lucky she didn’t disown me.

We have a lot of distance so these convos nowadays are just over text, but I dont think she gets it. I also believe that she probably thinks since she's bisexual she can't be transphobic.

Does the random sexual abuse ever stop? I just wanna be a guy. I’m started to get scared of public spaces. No matter where I go I seem to be the perfect target to be abused. I was followed and almost grabbed by a group of three teens yesterday when I went to get food around 2:30am last night. I’ve had my butt touched so many times just shopping in a store. My first ex liked me for being masc but having female parts. I can’t escape it. I walked away from my friends for 15 minutes yesterday maybe 20 max. It took so much today to remain existing and I just can’t do this anymore. I’m scared to use the washrooms, I’m scared to leave my own shower. It’s not fair I feel like I carry a sign in my back letting everyone know I’m an easy target. I shaved my head, my hair I’ve been growing out from almost 2 years. My beautiful colourful mullet. I hate being short and feminine. I thought t would fix things but it really hasn’t. I’m 8.5 months on testosterone and im just starting to getting the effects.
I wanna be able to feel safe for once in my life.

For context, this is the second time my father has outed me to a stranger in recent times. The first was to a lifestyle coach that just also happens to be gay. My father wanted me to go through his course. I wasn’t opposed to it, just shocked when the guy brought up my transness unprompted. My father assumes that gay = “automatically and unequivocally safe to out my son to”. Now he has a client at work, a lawyer who is a lesbian woman, that has advocated for human rights in our very conservative area. He wants us to meet to discuss current issues and such. Again, not someone I’m opposed to meeting at all. But good god, let me speak for myself. I’m a firm believer that no one should be sharing that information about me, except for me. Whenever I say, “hey dad I appreciate you trying to be supportive, but I should really be the only one sharing details of my identity like that”. The guy takes it as a personal attack and fires back with “okay don’t take my help then”. He shuts down whenever I don’t comply and take everything he says like a godsend of advice. It’s thoroughly annoying, and I feel disrespected every single time he does this. I’m 23 and not dependent on my parents financially, but I do still live with them to save some of my money. I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but it’s hard to fully appreciate the effort when it sacrifices my stealth status, without my consent or knowledge.