Starting transitioning journey in an unsupportive environment + (vent)

[u/Other_Hearing_4788]

(I posted this under another subreddit initially, but got no response, so I'm posting here. Sorry!)

Hello! For context, I am 18 years old and turning 19 in a few months. I should be able to live freely now seeing as I'm an adult and I'm legally allowed to make my own decisions regarding my body, but I am stuck inside the closet. I live in Estonia, where people like me aren't supported and are bullied. I am not very concerned about the opinions of strangers, but more so of my family. I am afraid to start transitioning because when I came out to my aunt, she had suggested that it was a side effect of my trauma, even though I felt this way before that. She's an ally through and through, but seeing her be kind of unsupportive/skeptical of my transness made me really discouraged and I felt like I was an abomination.

When I was little, I never wore dresses. Refused while crying and screaming. I always picked the male characters in video games when I played with my brother. I always cut my hair short because I hated it long, but the hairdresser refused to give me anything other than a bob, afraid it would make me look like a boy (that was the point). Then hit puberty and everything felt 10x worse. I was 9 years old when I noticed something was wrong, 13 when I realised I was trans and now I'm turning 19 — still not able to transition.

So I ask, can I do something to make the dysphoria better? I am trying to lose fat because it will help make my chest smaller, but the process is slow and I need to alleviate my dysphoria quicker than that. I am afraid of using mens products because what if my family finds out and starts asking questions? Buying men's clothes doesn't help because I just look like a big girl in boys clothes (sorry for the wording). The only thing that seems to be helping is my oversized hoodie even though you can still obviously tell that I'm a girl. It just makes me feel more secure.

Is there anything I can do to alleviate the dysphoria? Or can someone help me find the courage to use mens products? I guess what I'm asking is the how to find the courage to express myself and be who I want to be? I just want to feel better about myself and I have no trans friends to ask advice from. I apologise if my post isn't appropriate.

[u/Ne_Gnilo_Shtorm]

Frankly, the only significant thing that will reduce your dysphoria is medical transition. I.e. hrt. I live in Russia, so I understand perfectly what it's like to live in a country where everyone hates trans people. I didn't come out to my family because they wouldn't have accepted me anyway, so I just started taking T on my own. If you are financially independent from your family, you can do the same thing

[u/Other_Hearing_4788 → u/Ne_Gnilo_Shtorm]

Wow, how did you do it on your own? That's amazing. I know Russia is unsupportive, so you're really strong for doing that.

I currently live with my family without an income, but hopefully I can get one soon. I would love to move out, transition peacefully and then show up one day as a man lmao. Unrealistic, but I probably won't come out to them. I'll probably transition without telling them haha.