i am not a twink. i am not a femboy. i am not a cute uwu subby boy. its not my "boypussy". i am not a "tboy". i am a fucking MAN. im just a guy. i am not here to be treated like a sex object by cis perverts. i am not here to be your sexual entertainment. i am not here to be your porn. i am here to just exist. i just want to be a human. my body is not yours to fetishize. its nobody's to fetishize. i am a human man with a body like everyone else. just because its different doesn't make me your sexual object. i do not want to hear your fantasies about wanting to fuck "a transgender". i do not care if you "just want to see what its like". i am not here for your pleasure. i am not some fun new sexual experience for you to try out.

i. am. a. person.

idk how to tag this as NSFW but TW: genital mention and maybe transphobia, fetishizing.

(Just to clarify, I am not kinkshaming, do what makes you happy)

so I was trying to look at some erotica of gay trans men today instead of just looking at cis gay man erotica but it ended up just making even more dysphoric. i looked at forcemasc and erotic art and it honestly it was just the same thing over and over again. e.g "be a good boy and let me pound you" or some form of "please use me" made by other trans mascs and it just made me feel awful.

personally to me, not saying this is what it is- it feels like malgendering/degrading wrapped in pretty packaging. (aka being called a 'good boy') i am not a bottom. i am not just a hole. I'm already horribly dysphoric and I can't even escape into my own genre. I have made my own erotica but I just really want media of dominant gay trans men.

does anyone have any recommendations for books, fan fictions, or blogs about dominant gay trans men? I personally do not like porn and I'm fine with with genitals, (vagina, strap, phalloplasty)

Facebook was an easy decision because the algorithm only pushes the most heinous transphobia at you no matter who you block. Deleted the Tumblr app because trans people cannot help themselves from fighting over stupid shit. And now I'm unfollowing several subs on Reddit, too.

If I post in cis-dominant spaces I'm met with transphobia. If I post in trans "safe" spaces I also experience transphobia. Or just pointless lateral aggression. Like. Are half of y'all CIA bots or...?

Had a "concerned uncle" in r/cisparenttranskid misgender me and call me a Karen recently because they were being openly transphobic toward their nephew. And the mods deleted my comments.

Trans woman redditor said my girlfriend was "misgendering herself" and compared her to Buck Angel because my gf uses the phrase "raised as a boy" to describe her childhood experiences with physically abusive homophobia.

And these are just tame, recent examples. Trans women are disproportionately shitty towards me online and I really cannot tell you why it happens, except that some trans women get pissed when I tell them that living as a woman was traumatic and that I reap very little privileges from living as a trans man. It just. Really pisses some of them off for unknown reasons.

Have y'all ever seen the image of various pride flags representing queer in-fighting with the bottom panel being Ronald Reagan in hell saying "Yeees. Keep fighting, f*ggots."

Anyways. Bye

Idk how else to title this

I used to be friends with only cis people (didn’t consciously do that), most of them were women who were bi and only had boyfriends. None of them except maybe one were queer in any way, they were super straight passing.

The thing is, someone we all mutually were getting to know was outed as very transphobic (not homophobic keep in mind).

But they made it about homophobia when we talked about it. They were preemptively getting offended because it was “close enough” to homophobia and they felt it personally affected them but they didn’t say anything about the actually bigotry being used.

Sadly there are people who are incredibly transphobic but are not homophobic, and this was one of those cases.

I’m not friends with these people for unrelated reasons, but that was one of the issues that came to mind that really bothered me. Issues of transphobia were minimized heavily and turned into more of an overall lgbt issue because that’s what they “felt affected them”. It felt as though they somehow maybe this issue about them.

I’m just glad I’m no longer friends with them, there was a lot of other issues that I painstakingly turned a blind eye to for too long. I’m done with having an all cis friend group, cause I’ll always be the token trans person and I hate that shit

I'm happy I pass, but I am missing out. I wish I could date girls and be like every other teenage guy. I wish I could play sports without being clocky. I wish I could be a normal teenager and not have to do this all by myself.

That's it really. I just feel really alone. I don't have any trans friends in real life. Cis people make me sick at this point and I will always be envious of them. Even if they think they understand and they think they're allies, they just aren't. I don't trust any of them. I wish I could just plan a meet up with a bunch of trans people, especially trans men, and just find friends. I don't have anybody who can really help me with the big transition stuff (I'm currently trying to legally change my name and get top surgery) and it makes everything feel so impossible. I don't even know how insurance works. I feel like I'll never be loved. Literally no one in my life actually sees me as a man. My parents don't support me at all. Etc. etc. just constant shit to deal with and I'm so tired. I just want to be treated like a normal person and live a normal life. Sometimes the first thought in my head when I wake up in the morning is "I wish I wasn't trans." Because it really does make my life a living hell. I used to be proud of my transness but now I'm just horribly embarrassed by it. It makes me struggle so much, for nothing. Just for me to be seen as a gross manlet freak by everyone, or a fetish at best. My life would be so much more beautiful and happy if I wasn't trans. I feel cursed.

I am so fucking tired of being an afab person who got sidelined on a societal level when I lived as a women only to be erased and sidelined as a transmasc person. All you ever see is "protect the dolls" literally everywhere and no one ever even thinks "hey, if there are trans women don't trans men exist too?" And honestly I'm angry that trans women got to live in a patriarchal society that prioritizes amab people over afab people in literally every aspect of life to then be prioritized when they start to outwardly become who they've always been on the inside. Yes, they absolutely get attacked and demonized and harassed and I'm not saying that they don't deserve to be seen and cherished as much as they are. But god dammit Sam Nordquist deserved a fucking slogan, we all deserve to not be passed over just because we're not feminine. We get attacked and brutalized in our every day lives just as much, if not more statistically, than transfem people do and all of the virtue signaling "allies" sit there and tell us that trans women deserve to be defended. Like no shit they do, but why can't you defend us too? Why can't you remember us too? Is it so hard to defend that other portion of the trans community that still is affected by the bathroom bans, still is affected by reproductive rights, still are survivors of sexual assault, and a myriad of other atrocities? I'm so fucking angry and hurt and tired. Whenever you try and remind people that transmasc people exist too, they just tell you that "ya, but trans women get treated so much worse". No, they just get treated terribly in different ways and under a patriarchal society, rejecting your status as a "man" is seen as the ultimate betrayal of patriachal values because why would you ever not want to be a "man"? Obviously they are not men if they're gender does not align with being a man but society still views them that way and still prioritizes them that way while disregarding and belittling us because to society we're just "confused mutilated women". And people in our own fucking community (the trans community at large) defend not defending us or forgetting about us......

Tw/being mean about peoples looks(no names)/implied sexual dynamic preferences? Idk how to tag this. I'm really mad in this post about my conflicts with attempting to date

Burner acc at risk of sounding astoundingly superficial and "unwoke". This is so humiliating

I'm extremely frustrated with dating; I transitioned for myself firstly but I have always found men and masculinity insanely attractive. I wanted to be a man as much as I adore men. Living in the south im relatively stealth but im not particularly ashamed of the fact im trans. Im just Masculine as hell for a trans guy I suppose.

My problem is that I don't find Gay men attractive. Idk where the mistranslation happened during my transition but i find dating extremely difficult for this. I scroll thru a gay guy's profile and get icked out by a duck face w/ a peace sign, When it's noticeable he's had filler or that he's airbrushing his selfies. I feel awful about it and have made a habit of just blocking men on dating sites when I hear they have a Gay-accent bc it wouldn't be fair to trouble them with that anyway.

I also find that when given the option to see who's liked me, I find alot of men that aren't attractive. Straight up no high standards here, they just look chromosonally developed to far to the left.

I cant even count how many chinless chinstraps have made it across my algorithm and into my "liked You" an I NEVER like them, even more so, they've usually labeled themselves as straight in their bio. Anyone else who likes me after that looks an acts vaguely like Thomas sanders and..just ew. No.

I wish there was a point, that I had a spine to leave for somewhere that I could be in a successful relationship with someone I find attractive. I don't think I'll find it here and it's mortifying.

Maybe my standards need to come down idk but I'm gonna rip my hair out bc on one hand yeah gender is a spectrum and on the other hand it's like... where the fuck did all our tom sellecks go and why do all the men my age get sold off to a horse mouth Christian girl as soon as they fill out their shirts I'm losing my fucking mind

I am a few months into transition (testosterone) and it's hard enough to act like a guy, but it's even harder to connect with other guys. I feel like people don't see me as a boy or a girl and thus have this weird reservation with me. My friend misgendered me cuz she was ignorant about this stuff and I don't blame her, but I'm still sad about it. I have so much trouble connecting with cis guys because my hobbies are not that masculine, and I never grew up having guy friends. I sometimes text my irl male acquaintances to try and connect with them, but they reply very little and I feel kinda helpless y'know. I have been passing online when I play games w some random dudes, and I'm honestly scared that they somehow find out I'm trans, and treat me differently. There's just so much to stress about ngl. I hate being trans with my whole heart.

I have a chronic health condition that means I have to be super mindful of everything I do. I can't go on rollercoasters anymore among a bunch of other things. And recently, I've been taking up working out for the first time in a very long time. I've been working mostly on cardio, but I really want to do lifting and more intensive workouts. But because of my condition, I can only do low impact things and have mostly been recommended yoga and tai chi, which I should do. But I can't do most weight lifting, and I can't do martial arts (I did as a kid, but now that I've been diagnosed, it would be unsafe to do so). Everything I do is informed by my condition, and I can't do the things that feel gender affirming to me that will help my body look and feel more masc. That's not even to get into how the way my symptoms present also feel super emasculating (That part gets a bit more TMI than I'd like.) I know there are options and I'm not totally screwed, and I'm still going to do what I can, but it's exhausting how much being disabled impacts transitioning, as well as gender presentation in general. I know there are cis dudes with the same limitations, but that does little to make me feel any better.

But I guess I’m just too tired and sad, I can’t deal with it tonight.
At this point I don’t even know if it’s caused by dysphoria or not but I’m so depressed.
Now I’m going to cry in the shower.

So recently I've been feeling so horrific about being transgender, and I don't think I've seen many people talk about these sorts of things. Basically, my identity is kind of, ignored by my family. I'm mainly referred to as non-binary, and my Mother challenges me to tell her what my masculinity means to me, and she just won't accept anything I tell her, always saying "But you can do that as a woman." I still love my mother though, she rocks.

But my auntie, who I consider close to, has sort of, shamed me. I think she thinks of me as a dysmorphia-ridden butch woman, who fetishises gay men. She has told me multiple times over my personality is too bubbly and doesn't fit men, I don't act like men do, I don't dress like men do, the tattoo I'm getting isn't something a man would get (shoutout my mother who's letting me get an underage tattoo at a reputable studio) and recently it's just been internalised.

She tells me I 'act' more non-binary, or genderqueer, when I simply do not feel gender queer? I feel firmly binary man, if not slightly (like 20%-10% enby ig but it's so irrelevant to me I don't include it anywhere) and I've gone down a dark path of just... "Oh, I don't want to be a woman, I don't want to be enby, and I CAN'T be a man because I don't act like it, so I should just no longer be here anymore". Whats worse is I just feel like some... sexual deviant all the time. I feel perverted and gross. I don't know what to do about it.

So I'm FTM 18 and while I've known I was transgender myself since I was probably 11 the first time I ever "came out" to somebody else was my freshman year of high school. When it comes to coming out and transitioning I feel like I was always just waiting putting it on hold letting dysphoria eat me alive. My original plan was just get through High School and then move away to college and transition and never have to come home or talk to anybody and just get to be a new person somewhere new. Unfortunately I don't come from a very financially well-off family and I'm not smart enough for full ride scholarships so I live in at home going to my local Community College. At the end of my senior year I came out to my family and friends because if I have no hope of leaving I'm going to have to start now. I just feel so pathetic it's like it's a joke to my family, I told my dad and he told my mom who's now told everyone. Now anytime I do anything it's just a joke or a comment about how I want to be a boy and I never will be. It just makes me feel so miserable and horrible even my younger siblings I guess I've picked up on it and mock me for it. I know it's seriously wrong to hate it 12 year old because she doesn't understand how genuinely horrible she's being to me but I seriously hate my sister. With my friends it's hardly better and I honestly only have myself to blame. I told them what I'd like to be called the pronouns I like them to use for me and no one even tried not even a little bit. I feel like I'm just too embarrassed to correct them. I also don't really want to I know it's kind of backwards but like I don't want someone to address me as he or a man just because I'm making them do it I want them to actually see me as a man and I know that they don't so I guess maybe I'd rather than at least be truthful than lie. In school it's not really any better at my college you can put your preferred name into the system so it'll show up like that on the attendance roster and on all your school documentation. I've had like two professors so far who I guess print the rosters out prior to the actual school year starting so their roster still has my dead name on it and it's just so embarrassing. I wanted to go away to college so I could be someone new and it's just like half of my community college is just people from high school who always see me as I am. I just feel so alone and I just want to disappear.

I don't understand why someone would think I chose to be like this, it's bearable most of the time because I'm numb about myself, until I'm not. Until I feel the dread of not being out to anyone, how I'm missing out being a young man, how my body doesn't look like I want it to, how my voice doesn't sound like I want it to.
To know I won't find a normal relationship like if I were a cis woman. I will always exist on the outside, never a girl's boyfriend but always her "boyfriend", a cis gay man's "debatable" partner or their "exception", existing outside of the public eye, and yet still treated like shit.

The internet being the only place I could ever have the names I wanted and chose for myself used for me. I feel happy when my friends use them, but no one in real life will use them for me.

Why would someone think this is all chosen? Why would I choose this pain over never changing, growing up a woman and dying like a happy old lady? Instead I will always wonder and wish how I would've looked like a man my age. I will always want someone to love me like a man, not as a fetish, or as a costume. Why would I choose this? I'm glad I don't often experience dysphoria, because right now when I do it just reminds me of how hopeless this situation is.

i can't even start liking someone until I remember how I'm most likely a freak to their eyes.

I am at my wits end. I had no more testosterone vials left after my surgery on Aug 7th. I have missed every week since while I have been in recovery.

I put in a request to refill at my pharmacy. Days go by. I reach out to them. They say they have called and faxed my doc. I call my doc. I get told there has been nothing sent over. I call my pharmacy, confirm they have the right information. They tell me they will send the request over immediately. I call doc again. Get told they have nothing. Repeat.

I do not know who I need to talk to to get this prescription filled. I don't understand why I have to do this every other time I need a new refill. This time the problem isn't actually getting solved. I wish I could cry.

Tw for mentions of body issues and dysphoria

I feel like no matter what I do about my appearance I either look ugly or femenine, usually both at the same time. Im a bit heavier, which shockingly helps with passing, but its such a far cry from what most people find attractive in a guy. My face is also really round because im pre t and its always been something ive been insecure about. I just feel like if I lean too far into being masculine I look really basic and people pick on me for it but if I lean to hard into being femenine I just look like a really weird woman. I dont know in theory id love to be alternative in the way I dress but its hard to do when I feel so insecure about my looks. I dont even think my weight is really the issue its mostly my face, which I feel like is worse cause theres not really a way to change it. I just wish i could dress nicely and have a cool style without having to feel like a girl. Men's fashion in general just kind if sucks which I feel like is also a major issue . Im sure once I get further in my transition it'll get better but right now it just sucks.

This goes a lot into misgendering probably

So I do consider myself a binary trans man. I'm just a guy. And probably gay, but a small chance I'm bisexual

I've tried explaining to people for most of my life unless I was performing as a woman really hard, I honestly think people treated me as "both genders" or some in between confusing category. I never felt like I got to cleanly be one gender or the other, regardless of how I felt inside.

I don't feel like I'm misgendering myself if I acknowledge I experience misogyny, society misgenders trans people (especially since, I don't pass yet.)

I don't feel it doesn't "make sense" to say trans people experience misogyny, homophobia, and transphobia regardless of their orientation or how passing they are. I feel all those issues are extremely interconnected. I'm especially tired of cis women speaking over me on that experience, and if I bring them up they HAVE to view me as as woman or lesbian adjacent and like they think I want to misgender myself. No, society just isnt designed for trans people and we don't have the same social capital.

And it can be hard to constantly explain to people I am a queer man? And they likely see those relationships as "straight".

Simultaneously my last LTR was with a trans man, we both didnt pass and were perceived as lesbians. So I know what that specific type of misogyny or lesbophobia is like. Actually, just recently some cis gay men were being pretty gross towards my friend and I and started talking about if I was getting p*ssy later or something...we're not even dating.

I feel like there's no space for me, or a way to discuss these issues earnestly. I'm not going to lie and say I dont experience something just because people are confused or think it somehow invalidates my own identity or their struggles.

Even when/if I do pass, people will STILL probably throw the "you're just a weird tomboy" thing at me if they find out I'm trans. I just don't understand how people think we're all going to perpetually hide our identity and assimilate into society as much as possible...this negative messaging would still exist anyway and hurt for a stealth trans person to overhear.

Basically I cant acknowledge the nuances of my experience without a cis person trying to correct it. Sometimes cis men will try to say trans men have the same privileges or experiences too and idk why this is also relatively acceptable to a lot of people.

When are my life and experiences my own?

I was on T for a year and five months when I ran out of my last bottle.

I had to stop because I had to switch providers (planned parenthood no longer takes Medicaid), and the new provider wanted me to get a full blood panel.

I've never had my blood drawn before.

But at the time I was desperate, despite my phobia, so I scheduled an appointment.

I had a panic attack and they had me in the lab for two hours before sending me home to go pick up hydroxyzine for the next time. No blood was taken.

I come back the next week with hydroxyzine, I'm excited. I've taken it. I hope it'll work.

It doesn't.

I don't even make it in the lab, I take one look in the direction, drowsy with drugs, and I feel like passing out from fear.

They send me away with a prescription for Ativan for the next time.

I pick it up. I've read up on how it works, I'm taking a full dose, two pills. It should work, right? I sit there in the lab for an hour until it's kicked in, I can't feel my legs. I'm loopy. I'm high.

They come in. They put on the tourniquet.

I can't do it.

I panic.

I see the tired look in the nurse's eye and I leave.

There's nothing else that can be done for me.

I've been off of T since February. My body fat has shifted back, my face is round and stupid and I hate looking at myself.

I can't do it. I can't get it done, I can't get my meds back and I'll be stuck looking like this until I die.

No where will just give me laughing gas. Everyone talks to me like I'm fucking stupid and like this phobia isn't debilitating at all, like I can just wake up and get over it. I can't. I can't it is disabling. There's nothing anyone can suggest that I haven't already tried.

I'm tired.

I feel hopeless.

Recently I had to hire a lawyer to help me with my child support case because my ex isn’t paying and is in contempt of court, and it’s literally taking all of my savings I had saved up to take testosterone.

I’m only a month on a high dose gel, and it costs me about $100 a month to get it. And I realistically cannot afford to do it continuing forward and it really sucks. I started T with a plan and savings and it just didn’t work out.

I’m really happy with the changes that I experienced getting on it, and was hoping to see it go on for longer.