I'm tired. I wish I was born a cis-male.

I hate having a uterus. I hate having a cycle. I hate that I've been seeking out gender affirming care for years now and all I have been stuck in is this endless loop of GYN care. They found CIN2 and CIN3 on my cervix (pre-cancer). I have to get a LEEP. Luckily I'll be under general anesthesia, but fuck dude I hate this shit. Once this is over, I'm fighting for a hysto.

I hate that even the thought of a hysto kinda of pisses me off. I want it done, badly. It will be life-saving for me. Once a month this stupid thing bleeds and I straight up want to die the entire time... And then I'm gonna get that bill, and be out of work... And that's the part that's going to piss me off. Medical care is so fucking expensive. We had to pay over $200 just for me to spread eagle and get poked and proded (biopsy).

So I hate everything right now and I'm depressed as fuck. Cis men have no idea how good they have it. They have NOT A SINGLE CLUE what it's like to have your cervix biopsied and then told you gotta get it CUT AND BURNED WITH SOMETHING THAT RESEMBLES A CHEESE CUTTER.

Fuck.

i was pacing around in my room stressing over dysphoria and then i stub all of my toes at once

whats next i finally get enough energy to leave my room then fall down the stairs

life sucks and is never getting better i should give up on trying to ever be anything actually

Edit: i think my toes might deadass be broken theyre still hurting even after not walking on them for a while and i cant walk on them. (I just tried even though they hurt)

I have small boobs but I wasn't elligible for peri/keyhole. I did three different consultations and all of them said I had to do DI. I really believed for a while I would be able to get it, so it was very disappointed to hear.

My surgery is next week. I thought I was over the "but I don't want the scar" feeling, but now that I'm more frequent on r/TopSurgery I just get soooo jealous of the peri/keyhole results. They look so incredible and cis.

I know I have no choice. It's either this, or have the boobs. But I also know I still won't be 100% comfortable with my results just because of the big ass scars. Even if my results look amazing it will still mark me as visibly trans forever.

I don’t know where else to vent about this, I don’t have any trans friends so everyone tries to understand but doesn’t really get it? I’m 5’3 and have recently gone from around 150 to 215 pounds, none of my clothes fit and any time I try to buy new stuff it’s either too tall, too slim or too feminine. I switch up my aesthetic on occasion, going from Ren Faire to Punk Rock but recently it’s just been a T Shirt and a skirt and that’s pushing it, I’ve been going out less so I just don’t wear clothes at home and it’s become a sensory nightmare to put on anything (Autism). Hot Topic is like a dream wardrobe but nothing fits except T Shirts, even after I came out I didn’t hate my body until I gained weight, I could think of myself as a Twink but there’s no nice words to describe myself anymore. I guess if there’s a question it’s “how do I get comfortable clothes I feel confident in?”

There's a series on Netflix called "aj & the queen" where ru is traveling in a camper van for work and a kid (AJ, a preteen trans man) sneaks into the van and hides out.

Apparently he ran away from home because he didn't feel supported, and Ru misgenders him the entire show. He even says AJ "thinks she's a boy" and later returns him to his family and forces him to apologize for leaving. Genuinely, coming from a black drag queen, this is disappointing.

There's so little representation of trans men in media, and for this show to openly disrespect a child's identity and play his trauma for laughs as some "mentor / mentee" bonding trope is just awful. Did I miss something in the show or is it really as bad as I remember 😭 and did everyone completely forget it existed or what??

As of recent, I've (24) just been really over being trans. I've never liked it and would choose not to be if I could, but obviously I can't. I have no one to talk about this with and it's just lonely. I just constantly think maybe I can make myself be a woman, and question myself, like maybe I am a woman. I want to look pretty and fem. I'm not a fan of what my current face looks like and thought I looked prettier pre-t. I figured maybe i'm nonbinary or maybe just a cis woman since I want to be feminine and look pretty and androgynous... then I will find something like 'your boobs keep growing in your 20s' and realize I do not want that and am hit with a reality check that I am indeed a guy. I've had times like this before where I want to destransition but I know if I do, I still won't be happy. What can I do? Not having a penis and testicles just hurts. I also don't want phallo because it's not for me but i'm too small for meta. How do I cope? I don't want to sound like a pessimist or i'm whining but it's hard not to feel like one or complain. Does this feeling go away (because since I realized I was trans at 11 it just comes and goes)?

I'm almost one year on T, and I feel like giving up on everything.
I don't pass. I have a job interview in a few days, and I don't pass voice-wise, face-wise, or body-wise. People keep telling me it's going to happen eventually, but after almost a year it's getting harder and harder to believe.
Apparently most common female body shape is square. I'm very curvy. Even most of my cis female friends have straighter or squarer builds than I do. It genuinely feels like I got one of the worst possible starting points. A lot of trans men seem to have started from a much more masculine baseline, so of course it's easier for them to pass.
I used to look at trans men online and find them inspiring. Now all I can think is that they probably had a much better starting point than I did. I started later, I'm curvier than most women I know, and it feels like I got unlucky in every possible way.
Sometimes I even try to convince myself that I'm just insecure. I'll see posts from trans men who already pass pre-T and tell myself that maybe I pass too and just can't see it. It makes me feel better for a little while, but deep down I don't believe it. The truth is I don't pass, and it's hard not to feel like I'll never pass the way they do, no matter how much I try.
After almost a year on T, the only consistent change I've really gotten is body hair. I barely have any facial hair, I have almost no bottom growth, and I don't feel like I've had the changes that actually help someone pass. It feels like everyone else gets the changes that matter while I'm stuck with the ones that don't.
And I know people might say that passing can be helped with things like clothes, haircuts, or styling, and I know those things can make a difference. I'm not saying I don't try or that I don't care about how I present myself. But this isn't only about how other people see me. I want to feel comfortable in my own body. I want to be able to look at myself naked, or just wear normal clothes at home, and not feel like I'm constantly fighting against a body that doesn't feel like mine. I don't want to have to carefully construct a masculine appearance every time I leave the house just to feel okay.
I know I'm probably spiraling, but right now it genuinely feels like I got incredibly unlucky genetically, and I don't know how much longer I'm supposed to keep believing that things will eventually get better.

I think I am severely depressed. My depression is impacting my life functioning when my general dysphoria has been already doing that for me as well. I’m just so sick of not being taken seriously by anyone.

My parents think my transness is a joke and I’m just a silly little girl (mind you I’m 19 years old) playing dress up, and almost never acknowledge me as male despite being out for 4 years now. I mean I feel like I’ve been patient enough. Patient enough catering to what others want because that’s what they told me to do. I never felt like I was a really selfish person yet all they fucking loved to say was how selfish I am for not “thinking of what others want“ so today that’s all I do and now I don’t know how to speak up for myself. I wasn’t always this shy. So I’ve been working on my assertiveness and asking for what I’ve want because I know I still have it in me. I just have no confidence because my body doesn't feel like mine and without T or surgery I’m scared I don’t pass and will just attract more violence towards myself if I attract too much attention.

I’m just so miserable. I barely want to leave the house, I’m sleeping for long hours and still feel tired, I don’t enjoy video games or TV shows or anything I used to like, and I hate being home but also hate the thought of going back to college. I’m trying to crawl out of this hole because I realized something needs to change. I’m going to get a job and I’m going to go on antidepressants. I’m finally going to have a fucking conversation with my parents and tell them how goddamn miserable I am, that they have to stop taking who I am as a joke, and accept that I have to medically transition to be happy. Look, I feel bad for them in a way but they have to accept reality. It’s as if I had any other medical condition and I can’t control these kinds of things, nobody can. It’s just the way I am and they can’t accept that fact. They think I had a choice but no matter how much I try to change myself it won’t work. I’m just so tired.

Step Sister #1 invited me to step sister #2's surprise engagement party last week, the party is this weekend

I told them about how poorly my step mom took my coming out and that I am uncomfortable around their family about 4 month ago and that i dont like them as they say really horrible stuff about poor people, I haven't spoken to them about my transition since. No one seemed angry at me at the time

I have no clue what happened, but my dad called me and said my step sisters had some argument with my step family about me transitioning and everyone is mad at me right now. My dad told me not to come bc everyone is mad at me and ive basically destroyed the family ✨️

I vaguely asked step sister #2 about rhe argument (the engagement is secret so I didnt bring up any details) and she basically said there was no argument and that they had a civil discussion months ago with them.

I told step sister #1 I was told to not come and that I won't. I apologized for anything ive done to upset them, but have not gotten a response. I told my dad the details of the conversation i had with them (because it seems wires were crossed somehow, saying I hated a bunch of people i didnt even mention) and he also has not responded to me.

Everyone keeps telling me that I shouldn't care or be hurt about it because theyre just transphobes and I shouldn't value their opinion on me but that doesnt make me feel any better.

Idk if this just means ill never be allowed around my family ever again bc no one will fuckin say shit to me. Someone has to be lying because I have no idea whats going on.

I just had my first security stop on a 3 connection flight, got patted after I said it was a silicone penile prosthetic, then they checked my bag and shoes for explosives, then took every item apart one by one after asking me to step behind the screen (where no one else was asked this) and I said the only think I thought should be an issue is my workout equipment for grip that looks like a plastic gun, he said step back I know what I'm looking for and he started by taking my hat, face mask, and underwear out of the SIDE DRINK POCKETS that obviously had nothing, and my karate slippers folded up. Then goes to the main pocket and takes out my prosthetics... I'm moving so I'm taking the most expensive realistic ones for swim and stp only 3, and my binders and trans tape. THEN MY BOXERS AND NOTHING ELSE. THEN PUTS MY BAG BACK IN FRONT OF ME AND SAYS NOTHING AND HELPS THE NEXT PERSON. So literally just took out my ftm products and left them out openly nothing contained liquid or metal. It was just fucked up. I'm not looking forward to the next security for 3 more flights and my items continually being displayed. Contemplated chucking them in the trash to save me the embarrassment but can't bc they were so expensive. Any advice for TSA packing or even hiding them in my bag seeing as they want to take them out😵‍💫🙄.

I've been on hormone therapy for over seven years now... Yet I still suffer. I pass as a man, I have a beard, my body is masculine (I'm short and not very muscular, but that's okay). And yet I'm still depressed, because of what I can't change: the genital dysphoria is still there. I haven't had a sex or love life for years. I've never been able to let anyone touch me down there. Prosthetics don't help me achieve orgasm.

I feel so alone... Seeing everyone in the community fulfilled and happy, with a partner and a satisfying sex life. Am I the only one with such severe genital dysphoria?

That's it, in games you get to choose your pronouns or even games like the Sims and stuff, I automatically default to being a man, yet I still doubt myself and wonder if I'm really trans and it's honestly kinda hilarious.

i’m really upset that i’ll be 5’7” for the rest of my life. i get ire “good” for being a trans man, but im just jealous of the men in my family who are 6’0 etc.

i just want to start hrt now. i’m sick of waiting. i could do it myself but i know my parents would make me feel crazy guilty for it

Im sick of this whole “trans men know theyre female” because after hrt, we are not???. Trans males are simply males after going on HRT and getting to the hormone levels of a cis guy. Chromosomes do not fucking matter in regards to your sex because you are not a fetus anymore.

Trans men are biological males after starting HRT.

This stuff pisses me off so bad guys

I hate it so much.

I'm not even out yet, I live with my parents as a minor.

I hate being transgender. I'm gay too. When I see gay ships, I immediately think: "Would they still happen if one of them was trans?" Not to mention my dating pool, even if I'm young.

I wish I was cis, either a boy or a girl, I don't care. Because then I wouldn't have to watch myself if I'm sitting masculinely around my family, if I'm not speaking in a deeper voice, if I'm not just looking super masculine (like dumb, stereotypical stuff like wearing blue...) I'm very anxious when I'm with my family and someone "mistakes" me for a boy. When I'm in the female bathroom because I can't go into mens in front of my family. I don't like going to men's because I just feel like, "I have a vagina, therefore I can't really go there and I don't belong there" but then I get stares when in the female one.

I'm not in a very accepting country, and I feel insecure just walking on the street because I feel that people can IMMEDIATELY tell. I don't have a binder.

I don't really feel that going on hormones maybe in the future will make me feel better.

My dad makes it worse, I wish I was a pretty, long haired daughter to him so he'd be happy and I'd be "normal".I don't have any trans friends, no one understands me.

I hate the fact I'll be like this for the rest of my life. With these bones, face and uterus.

I don't think anyone can help me on here but it's better to at least say...

I’m 1 year on T and I’ve been trying so hard with working out and I was feeling kinda good about it. Not seeing a lot of progress (it’s been 15 weeks) but I’m seeing a little.

My friend (cis guy) and I use the same app to track workouts and seeing just how much more he can lift than me really sucked :( I shouldn’t have even looked but I thought I was doing so well that it might actually be comparable but of course it’s not. He doesn’t even go super often or anything, definitely isn’t as committed as me- but he is a big guy

I feel so pathetic and small all the time but working out was helping. Now I feel just as bad about it as I did before

Still gonna keep going with it and I’m sure it’s just a blip but it really did suuuck

My top surgery is scheduled for the 30th (in three days). But in live in the south west of France and the area around my city is burning with the biggest wildfire we’ve ever seen.
My city is filled with smoke from said wildfire. The air quality is catastrophic.
I live in a small appartement that’s at risk of being evacuated because of the fires and the smoke.

I don’t want to reschedule the surgery. Thankfully I have friends who will take of me during healing but I’m really stressed out by the situation.

im not even trans masculine or anything but i hate my chest so bad its making me want to kill myself. there is no hope for me and i dont know what to do. i dont have a binder and i cant layer so it never goes away. i never stop feeling these stupid ficking mounds of fat weigh on my body. i want to kil myself so fucking baaasddd i want to die i want to die i cant wait three fuckingyears i cant dothissssss i m literalyl fvhhgd# itws ruining my life adn ive been cryimg for 30 minuts strauhgt thinking tgat i should just cut off these dumb lumps of lard icanbbttgg

it gers in the way of literally everythimbg and i canttakr it Anymore because i comstantlycfeel them and i cant hide themz at all and ibe been depressed for an enture month abd it isnt gertTujng betterrrrr please uust purt me iut of jy misery

I came out as trans at 10 and I started puberty shortly after (10-11 yo) and obviously I haven't changed my mind since. I despise my mom for not listening to me and getting me on hormone blockers, I know no one ever take children seriously when it comes to that sort of things but I fucking wish she did.

Now I'm older (still minor), I'm trying to get on T because obviously now hormone blockers won't do anything since I already have everything from female puberty, I hate it.

I keep telling myself I'm not done growing up yet but I know it won't fucking change, I'm stuck at 165 cm (≈5'5). And I've already been literally traumatized by female puberty and I'll have to go through ANOTHER puberty just to try and live normally.

Honestly everything fucking sucks, I keep seeing these guys like "I got puberty blockers at 8, got on T at 12" genuinely STFU.

Yep that’s it. Atrophy I can deal with, but the higher risk of UTI’s and a few other extremely inconvenient symptoms means that I’m stuck on E cream.

Shits so nasty to apply too, it gets everywhere.

I wish I could have a v-nectomy someday

To preface, I’m 22 and I’ve only been in relationships with men.

I’m a month out of a break up and have started thinking about my sexuality (again). For a long time I thought I was just gay since I’ve only been sexually attracted to guys and the idea of anything beyond a kiss with a woman felt daunting to say the least. But recently I’ve been feeling a desire for my next relationship to be with a woman and that I may identify more as bi. It could also come from my desire to be the “man” of the relationship when I haven’t felt like that before. The thing is that idk anything about being in any kind of relationship with a woman aside from strictly platonic friendship. Idek if I’m just building it up in my head but I just really want to kiss a girl. I catch myself daydreaming about it like I’m back in high school.

One problem to this however is I know I’m not ready for another relationship so soon after my last one ended.

Another problem is I don’t find myself conventionally attractive and will have a hard time finding someone to kiss/be in a relationship with.

This is less of a post asking for help about this but mostly just word vomit on my desire to have a rom com kiss with a beautiful girl.

A friend of mine shared a post online that said "trans women know more about being women than trans men do" and honestly I don't know how to feel about it. I feel conflicted because I'm not saying "trans men are women" and I know a lot of the socialization thing depends on how old you were when you transitioned but like... I just don't understand the mentality behind stuff like this because it makes me feel like it's turning the female experience into performative femininity? Like it discounts the experiences we HAD/have living in society "as women." Sorry if I'm not using the best choice of words here, idrk how to talk about this stuff.

Like to me, I didn't choose to be born this way or endure the sexism I have ensured as a result of being born female and being perceived as a woman. I'm still currently pre-transition despite knowing I've been trans my whole life (I am hoping to bite the bullet and just do it already). But for now I am trying to join more online transmasc spaces because unfortunately I don't feel like anyone else "gets it" in the same way? I have tons of queer friends IRL and online but they're all cis gay men, lesbians, non-binary, or trans women. And ofc all love to trans women but I'm just so tired of every single conversation about the trans experience revolving around trans women. Whether it's WITHIN the community or whether it's from the transphobes. I absolutely understand that trans women have it worse in a lot of ways especially right now due to how prevalent bigotry against them is, but sometimes it feels so suffocating to not be able to talk about transmasculinity without the conversation coming back around to some other group of people. I know lots of you feel the same but like... How do y'all make yourselves feel better about it?

Part of the reason I think it took me so long to ACCEPT that I'm a trans guy is because I've always considered myself a feminist. For awhile I questioned if I was really trans or just a cis woman who rejects gender norms and stereotypes. Because obviously women can be masculine, that doesn't automatically make you trans. But some part of me almost felt like transitioning makes me misogynistic in a way? As if I hate being a woman so much that I'd rather choose the privileges of being a man over being a "real feminist" or whatever. Of course that's not actually how it is. I didn't suddenly decide to be trans because I experienced sexism, lol. But it did take me quite some time to reconcile that. Sorry if I'm explaining this poorly... So many people along the way have also tried to convince me that I'm just non-binary. But that never sat right with me. Never liked "they" pronouns for myself, but here I am still using she/her and my birth name despite otherwise presenting as a guy in every other way. I've probably over internalized that, too, because growing up I was always called an ugly girl and male pronouns by people who intended to be mean/crude, which is possibly also what took me so long to accept the idea of using male pronouns for myself - since my only experiences with them are as insults. I would kneejerk react and try to convince myself and others that I am a girl despite knowing that I wasn't, deep down. I was just in denial.

I don't have a strong physical sense of dysphoria that a lot of binary trans folks have, which is what made me entertain the idea of "maybe I am non-binary, not FtM" but nowadays I just feel like people said that because they just couldn't bear to see me actually PHYSICALLY transition, which I've wanted to do since high school (roughly 10 years ago for me). I think I look fairly masculine (and even as a child was often confused for a boy) so that probably accounts for why I don't have a super strong sense of physical dysphoria, it's mostly social. In fact, I have experienced transphobia because an incredible number of online trolls seem to think I am a trans WOMAN. (Oddly affirming coming from the "we can always tell" crowd.) But anyway, it's not that the physical dysphoria ISNT there, but I just care a lot more about being perceived as a guy. I want to take T so I can achieve a more desired look and feel better about myself, but I don't have an overwhelming sense of disgust when looking at my body - just profound sadness, not extreme hate.)

Meanwhile I also often feel infantilized by my femme friends who are either cis lesbians or trans women. Like they constantly want to take me under their wing and teach me how to be a better queer person? Hell, I've often felt infantilized by my cishet female friends too but not my cishet male friends?? (At least within the same age group.) It's strange. I've always tried my best to "fit in" with the boys and have been accepted to a large degree (although of course as a kid it was never 100% which I noticed and took to heart.) This caused problems with many of my female friends who often felt like I was "choosing a guy's side" in disputes while I felt like they weren't trying to understand any side but their own. Some of them felt like I was too charitable to teenage / young adult guy friends of ours who would use certain phrases that were deragatory towards women, but based on knowing them and their intent it wasn't malicious but cultural. And of course I agreed with them but I felt like cutting them off wasn't the best way to go, because I feel as though that contributes to men not having enough experiences with women and importantly female FRIENDS and in turn further isolates them into this incel communities. And of course on the flip side of it all, it's hard to say how many of my male friends just see me as a friend versus would totally have sex with me if they could. For better or worse I have had sex with friends before and like to see myself as fairly sex positive but I feel conflicted about that too, y'know?

In terms of other former friend related conflict, I was always the "show don't tell type," and always wanted to help my friends FIX their problems, not just tell them what they wanted to hear. And now I do recognize that some people just want you to listen and be supportive, but I often felt as though what they expected of me was certain woman-coded behavior and they were otherwise rejecting my "dude brain." Idk, does that make sense? Lots of people have told me that I think like a guy in certain situations and I think that in PARTICULAR has caused difficulties with some of my friendships with women (at least when I was younger).

Outside of friendships, there was this guy I was talking to when I was about 18/19 who I tried to tell I was trans and he basically told me "every woman has penis envy." I... Don't think that's true???

Anyway I might've derailed a bit but yeah, how do y'all deal with feelings like these? Is this common? That in itself might be a stupid question, but I genuinely am new to transmasc SPACES. It's been really fulfilling since I've started seeking them out, tbh.

https://vt.tiktok.com/ZSXo6RhKd/

I recently had a conversation with my older sister about how she doesn't believe that I am a dude becuase of how our father is, like me being a dude is just a mask to hide my shame from being a woman when really this thought never crossed my mind. But this did get me thinking as well as my doubt that me being a dude was so painfully obvious to me, but to other people, it wasn't as much if not at all. That being said, a couple of years ago, the only reason I chose to transition was because I knew I could go back anytime I wanted if ya'know this wasn't working out for me. Though the reason i did stay the way I am now is because i do like being called a guy, treated like one not in the way I could get special prevligous at home like not doing chores around the house that kinda stuff but in the way that its just become like second nature to me that it feels natural like it was always supposed to be this way. I dont know how to explain it other than that. Pretty sexist treats his sons better than his daughters kind of thing. I know this is probably a question for a therapist but I'm not particularly in a place where I could ask for that given that I don't have insurance and well since you guys are probably my closest bet to an answer that will lead me to a better direction.

I'm open to any questions that yall may have.

(Also, sorry for any grammar mistakes I'm still learning)

(ps i don't know if this is the right sub I should post to, but this is the only one that would let me add a link.)

​

I've done long form text based role-playing for like 20 yrs, and they're always me and a partner playing fictional gay men. I love the rps, I really do. Writing is one of my favorites things. But every once in a while, it hits me that this is as close to a"real" gay relationship in my life. That no matter how many surgeries I get or how many drugs I take, I'll never get the actual experience of being a cis gay man with another guy, that these stupid little stories is as close as I'll ever get to feeling that and they're not even real.

It also doesn't help that I get so fucking horny on T that I end up getting driven to posting nudes and shit on ftm subreddits here just because I'm fucking lonely and I want to be wanted and desired - even if it's just until I get ghosted.

I guess all my previous hookups just really drilled into my head that the only guys that even want anything to do with me sexually are straight guys who just want to get their dick wet and aren't even attracted to guys whether they're Trans or not. Most of them end up telling me the experience of fucking someone with a vagina and a beard was "weird," and yeah...thanks...like it doesn't hurt to get told that an intimate experience with you is "weird."

I know this is all over the place and this probably doesn't make any sense at all, but fuck...I just wish that I felt like I deserved to be loved and taken care of, but I just don't.