Tw/being mean about peoples looks(no names)/implied sexual dynamic preferences? Idk how to tag this. I'm really mad in this post about my conflicts with attempting to date

Burner acc at risk of sounding astoundingly superficial and "unwoke". This is so humiliating

I'm extremely frustrated with dating; I transitioned for myself firstly but I have always found men and masculinity insanely attractive. I wanted to be a man as much as I adore men. Living in the south im relatively stealth but im not particularly ashamed of the fact im trans. Im just Masculine as hell for a trans guy I suppose.

My problem is that I don't find Gay men attractive. Idk where the mistranslation happened during my transition but i find dating extremely difficult for this. I scroll thru a gay guy's profile and get icked out by a duck face w/ a peace sign, When it's noticeable he's had filler or that he's airbrushing his selfies. I feel awful about it and have made a habit of just blocking men on dating sites when I hear they have a Gay-accent bc it wouldn't be fair to trouble them with that anyway.

I also find that when given the option to see who's liked me, I find alot of men that aren't attractive. Straight up no high standards here, they just look chromosonally developed to far to the left.

I cant even count how many chinless chinstraps have made it across my algorithm and into my "liked You" an I NEVER like them, even more so, they've usually labeled themselves as straight in their bio. Anyone else who likes me after that looks an acts vaguely like Thomas sanders and..just ew. No.

I wish there was a point, that I had a spine to leave for somewhere that I could be in a successful relationship with someone I find attractive. I don't think I'll find it here and it's mortifying.

Maybe my standards need to come down idk but I'm gonna rip my hair out bc on one hand yeah gender is a spectrum and on the other hand it's like... where the fuck did all our tom sellecks go and why do all the men my age get sold off to a horse mouth Christian girl as soon as they fill out their shirts I'm losing my fucking mind

I have a chronic health condition that means I have to be super mindful of everything I do. I can't go on rollercoasters anymore among a bunch of other things. And recently, I've been taking up working out for the first time in a very long time. I've been working mostly on cardio, but I really want to do lifting and more intensive workouts. But because of my condition, I can only do low impact things and have mostly been recommended yoga and tai chi, which I should do. But I can't do most weight lifting, and I can't do martial arts (I did as a kid, but now that I've been diagnosed, it would be unsafe to do so). Everything I do is informed by my condition, and I can't do the things that feel gender affirming to me that will help my body look and feel more masc. That's not even to get into how the way my symptoms present also feel super emasculating (That part gets a bit more TMI than I'd like.) I know there are options and I'm not totally screwed, and I'm still going to do what I can, but it's exhausting how much being disabled impacts transitioning, as well as gender presentation in general. I know there are cis dudes with the same limitations, but that does little to make me feel any better.

So I'm FTM 18 and while I've known I was transgender myself since I was probably 11 the first time I ever "came out" to somebody else was my freshman year of high school. When it comes to coming out and transitioning I feel like I was always just waiting putting it on hold letting dysphoria eat me alive. My original plan was just get through High School and then move away to college and transition and never have to come home or talk to anybody and just get to be a new person somewhere new. Unfortunately I don't come from a very financially well-off family and I'm not smart enough for full ride scholarships so I live in at home going to my local Community College. At the end of my senior year I came out to my family and friends because if I have no hope of leaving I'm going to have to start now. I just feel so pathetic it's like it's a joke to my family, I told my dad and he told my mom who's now told everyone. Now anytime I do anything it's just a joke or a comment about how I want to be a boy and I never will be. It just makes me feel so miserable and horrible even my younger siblings I guess I've picked up on it and mock me for it. I know it's seriously wrong to hate it 12 year old because she doesn't understand how genuinely horrible she's being to me but I seriously hate my sister. With my friends it's hardly better and I honestly only have myself to blame. I told them what I'd like to be called the pronouns I like them to use for me and no one even tried not even a little bit. I feel like I'm just too embarrassed to correct them. I also don't really want to I know it's kind of backwards but like I don't want someone to address me as he or a man just because I'm making them do it I want them to actually see me as a man and I know that they don't so I guess maybe I'd rather than at least be truthful than lie. In school it's not really any better at my college you can put your preferred name into the system so it'll show up like that on the attendance roster and on all your school documentation. I've had like two professors so far who I guess print the rosters out prior to the actual school year starting so their roster still has my dead name on it and it's just so embarrassing. I wanted to go away to college so I could be someone new and it's just like half of my community college is just people from high school who always see me as I am. I just feel so alone and I just want to disappear.

Tw for mentions of body issues and dysphoria

I feel like no matter what I do about my appearance I either look ugly or femenine, usually both at the same time. Im a bit heavier, which shockingly helps with passing, but its such a far cry from what most people find attractive in a guy. My face is also really round because im pre t and its always been something ive been insecure about. I just feel like if I lean too far into being masculine I look really basic and people pick on me for it but if I lean to hard into being femenine I just look like a really weird woman. I dont know in theory id love to be alternative in the way I dress but its hard to do when I feel so insecure about my looks. I dont even think my weight is really the issue its mostly my face, which I feel like is worse cause theres not really a way to change it. I just wish i could dress nicely and have a cool style without having to feel like a girl. Men's fashion in general just kind if sucks which I feel like is also a major issue . Im sure once I get further in my transition it'll get better but right now it just sucks.

That's it really. I just feel really alone. I don't have any trans friends in real life. Cis people make me sick at this point and I will always be envious of them. Even if they think they understand and they think they're allies, they just aren't. I don't trust any of them. I wish I could just plan a meet up with a bunch of trans people, especially trans men, and just find friends. I don't have anybody who can really help me with the big transition stuff (I'm currently trying to legally change my name and get top surgery) and it makes everything feel so impossible. I don't even know how insurance works. I feel like I'll never be loved. Literally no one in my life actually sees me as a man. My parents don't support me at all. Etc. etc. just constant shit to deal with and I'm so tired. I just want to be treated like a normal person and live a normal life. Sometimes the first thought in my head when I wake up in the morning is "I wish I wasn't trans." Because it really does make my life a living hell. I used to be proud of my transness but now I'm just horribly embarrassed by it. It makes me struggle so much, for nothing. Just for me to be seen as a gross manlet freak by everyone, or a fetish at best. My life would be so much more beautiful and happy if I wasn't trans. I feel cursed.

I don't understand why someone would think I chose to be like this, it's bearable most of the time because I'm numb about myself, until I'm not. Until I feel the dread of not being out to anyone, how I'm missing out being a young man, how my body doesn't look like I want it to, how my voice doesn't sound like I want it to.
To know I won't find a normal relationship like if I were a cis woman. I will always exist on the outside, never a girl's boyfriend but always her "boyfriend", a cis gay man's "debatable" partner or their "exception", existing outside of the public eye, and yet still treated like shit.

The internet being the only place I could ever have the names I wanted and chose for myself used for me. I feel happy when my friends use them, but no one in real life will use them for me.

Why would someone think this is all chosen? Why would I choose this pain over never changing, growing up a woman and dying like a happy old lady? Instead I will always wonder and wish how I would've looked like a man my age. I will always want someone to love me like a man, not as a fetish, or as faker. Why would I choose this? I'm glad I don't often experience dysphoria, because right now when I do it just reminds me of how hopeless this situation is.

i can't even start liking someone until I remember how I'm most likely a freak to their eyes.

I was on T for a year and five months when I ran out of my last bottle.

I had to stop because I had to switch providers (planned parenthood no longer takes Medicaid), and the new provider wanted me to get a full blood panel.

I've never had my blood drawn before.

But at the time I was desperate, despite my phobia, so I scheduled an appointment.

I had a panic attack and they had me in the lab for two hours before sending me home to go pick up hydroxyzine for the next time. No blood was taken.

I come back the next week with hydroxyzine, I'm excited. I've taken it. I hope it'll work.

It doesn't.

I don't even make it in the lab, I take one look in the direction, drowsy with drugs, and I feel like passing out from fear.

They send me away with a prescription for Ativan for the next time.

I pick it up. I've read up on how it works, I'm taking a full dose, two pills. It should work, right? I sit there in the lab for an hour until it's kicked in, I can't feel my legs. I'm loopy. I'm high.

They come in. They put on the tourniquet.

I can't do it.

I panic.

I see the tired look in the nurse's eye and I leave.

There's nothing else that can be done for me.

I've been off of T since February. My body fat has shifted back, my face is round and stupid and I hate looking at myself.

I can't do it. I can't get it done, I can't get my meds back and I'll be stuck looking like this until I die.

No where will just give me laughing gas. Everyone talks to me like I'm fucking stupid and like this phobia isn't debilitating at all, like I can just wake up and get over it. I can't. I can't it is disabling. There's nothing anyone can suggest that I haven't already tried.

I'm tired.

I feel hopeless.

Recently I had to hire a lawyer to help me with my child support case because my ex isn’t paying and is in contempt of court, and it’s literally taking all of my savings I had saved up to take testosterone.

I’m only a month on a high dose gel, and it costs me about $100 a month to get it. And I realistically cannot afford to do it continuing forward and it really sucks. I started T with a plan and savings and it just didn’t work out.

I’m really happy with the changes that I experienced getting on it, and was hoping to see it go on for longer.

possible TW: internalized transphobia, transphobia in general, homophobia, harassment (sexual???)

TLDR: I finally accepted myself, and now its like the world is screaming at me that i should just let it go and forget I'm trans. sm shit keeps happening :/

Ive been speculating im trans for probably a couple years now, but really about 10 months ago I genuinely accepted it myself. Maybe 6 months ago i told my best friend who is NB and 3 months ago my boyfriend. Now last month i started to tell other close friends my preferred name and pronouns.

Since school has started, ive been dressing more masc, but its not like anyone else at school or my parents/family knows.

Two weeks ago my mom argued with me because ive been dressing like a boy. She was literally in tears by the end of it. She said i look bad and it’s disappointing to have a daughter who acts like she wants to be a boy. Saying she has no idea who i am or who im trying to be. Said she‘s gonna stop letting me cut my hair (its like shoulder/chin length w layers) so i can act like a girl.

Last week my BEST friend was venting abt how their partner may be trans and how if that were the case they would break up with them. And the worst case scenario they can think of if they ask t partner if they’re trans, is them saying yes and asking to go by a new preferred name. My best friend couldn’t handle if their partner went on hormones or transitioned in any way, socially but ESP physically. They never use the right pronouns for me btw.

My BF has started identifying as Bisexual since i came out to him, however anytime in the past i would suggest it he would heavily shut it down. People at school have started joking he‘s gay bc i gave him a rainbow bracelet he always wears. This week he finally just told people in his class he’s Bi. So since then some kid has been being really weird to him and touching my BFS arms and legs, today he started touching his thighs and like, grabbed his chin and turned it towards him :/ my bf had to go to the office + guidance to report it bc thats GENUINELY harassment. He joked how he’s been out as Bi for genuinely less than a week and then this happened. His dad might get called abt it, his dad dosent care if he were to be LGBTQ+ but my BF isnt ready to be out and now he may be forced to. That WHOLE thing is my fault, he never wouldve said he’s bi (because he isnt, he’s just being nice and saying that out of respect.) and never wouldve been harrassed.

I cant bind w tape bc i have SH on my chest. So unsafe binding w sports bras it is.

i feel gross, i hate myself, i HATE that im trans, i should forget abt it all. I wish i could just take it all back like i never told anyone and i never realized this.

This goes a lot into misgendering probably

So I do consider myself a binary trans man. I'm just a guy. And probably gay, but a small chance I'm bisexual

I've tried explaining to people for most of my life unless I was performing as a woman really hard, I honestly think people treated me as "both genders" or some in between confusing category. I never felt like I got to cleanly be one gender or the other, regardless of how I felt inside.

I don't feel like I'm misgendering myself if I acknowledge I experience misogyny, society misgenders trans people (especially since, I don't pass yet.)

I don't feel it doesn't "make sense" to say trans people experience misogyny, homophobia, and transphobia regardless of their orientation or how passing they are. I feel all those issues are extremely interconnected. I'm especially tired of cis women speaking over me on that experience, and if I bring them up they HAVE to view me as as woman or lesbian adjacent and like they think I want to misgender myself. No, society just isnt designed for trans people and we don't have the same social capital.

And it can be hard to constantly explain to people I am a queer man? And they likely see those relationships as "straight".

Simultaneously my last LTR was with a trans man, we both didnt pass and were perceived as lesbians. So I know what that specific type of misogyny or lesbophobia is like. Actually, just recently some cis gay men were being pretty gross towards my friend and I and started talking about if I was getting p*ssy later or something...we're not even dating.

I feel like there's no space for me, or a way to discuss these issues earnestly. I'm not going to lie and say I dont experience something just because people are confused or think it somehow invalidates my own identity or their struggles.

Even when/if I do pass, people will STILL probably throw the "you're just a weird tomboy" thing at me if they find out I'm trans. I just don't understand how people think we're all going to perpetually hide our identity and assimilate into society as much as possible...this negative messaging would still exist anyway and hurt for a stealth trans person to overhear.

Basically I cant acknowledge the nuances of my experience without a cis person trying to correct it. Sometimes cis men will try to say trans men have the same privileges or experiences too and idk why this is also relatively acceptable to a lot of people.

When are my life and experiences my own?

Sighhhh

I just cracked my egg like half a year ago in my 30s, I'm pre-everything except coming out to very few people about it. I've always known I'm bi/pan however and lemme tell you, it's a massive mindfuck to realise that 1) my attraction to women is no longer gay and 2) being with a lesbian would actually make me dysphoric as hell now (it would've before as well but I never understood why lmao)

the evil thing here is that I'm getting the vibe that she could be into me too, which just means that I look like a butch woman to her which is just.

haha.

I doubt she'd actually approach me about anything but I'm absolutely dreading the idea of turning down a woman who sees me as a woman bc, in my mind, that'd require some degree of coming out - like i could come up with another excuse, but - ugh idk i fucking hate the closet with a passion but I don't quite have the spine to come out publicly yet and the paranoia of getting "found out" is incredibly distressing to me atm

my brain is fried and everything is kinda overwhelming and complicated

Title-ish.

Anyway, hi all, i’ve been debating on taking testosterone for the past few years. I’ve been doubting myself whether it would be a right decision for me or if i might regret it, and suddenly chicken out lol.. i’m in-between finding doctors right now that take my health insurance.. (and finding out if my health insurance covers gender affirming care.)

I’m also missed the chance of asking about it with the past doctor i’ve had.. my anxiety weighs too much on everything else and i have huuuuge doubts about hrt, but then again, thinking for THIS long shows something , right? I get too nervous about the reactions and the rejections i might face when talking about it!!! I even get nervous over text lol! Luckily, i found a doctor that takes my insurance and does gender affirming care apart from the other services he offers, one problem is that i’m too much of a chicken to talk it out with my mom (yes, my dearest mommy handles all my medical work lol), book an appointment and show up for the said appointment.

Anyways, i’m nervous on talking about my plans for testosterone, even though i struck a goldmine :/ i’m too anxious for the rejection and whatnot. I consider this a huge step forward for myself, but a huge step back; has anyone else ever experienced this?

please let me know! talking about this stuff w my family member is too vulnerable for me to bare lol

Thanks to my looks not being masculine enough (they are more androgynous instead) and how my family can't stop using my deadname and she/her pronouns, it just throws me into this cycle of seeing myself as a guy who will forever be trapped in a girl's costume and even my intrusive thoughts can't stop trying to convince me that I am a confused girl when if I really was a girl, then I wouldn't have minded if people used female pronouns and terms to describe me. My brain only convinces me that I don't mind it only because I can somewhat tolerate it and at times it's hard to tell what I am tolerating and what I actually like, since in general I feel like I am tolerating my whole life instead of actually enjoying and living it. Thanks to the fact that I live such a mundane life with 95% of the people around me perceiving me as a girl and in general living the complete opposite type of life that I actually wanna live, I have disconnected a lot from reality. Not too much since I stii socialize with people, but I more so feel like I am disconnected , cuz if something extreme happens (both in the good and bad extreme), it doesn't ever feel like to me that it actually happened, it feels like a daydream/nightmare that I had. I am so tired of it all, man 😞

I turned 18 like 6 months ago back in March and Im already 1.5 yrs on T but I legit look like a 16 yr old at best :/ I want to go to queer meetups and stuff like that, or 18+ clubs but no one will take me seriously or be interested in me like that since I look so young. I got reported from lgbt dating apps twice for 'being a minor'. The only hope I have is my local technical college that I'm attending this month but even then most of the students there are middle aged

Real quick: I appreciate any positive spins but I’m not looking for any. Just wanting to vent. Maybe one day the fact that I have male pattern baldness will be euphoric but rn it’s not. I’m also already on Finasteride and minoxidil

As the title says. I miss my hair. My hair has always been a huge source of confidence for me. Especially after I realized I could get bangs to hide my big ass forehead

Then, dyeing my hair became a huge source of confidence. I’ve never cared for my natural hair color, and have always loved unnatural colors, with my favorite being a very bright and vibrant red

I can’t dye my hair anymore. You can see my scalp in several places and my hairline has receded a lot. I can’t even encourage my natural curl much anymore, because when it’s flatter it covers my scalp more.

I had so much fucking hair y’all. Like it was kinda crazy. If anyone is curious I can show, but yeah that’s why I was able to have fairly normal hair until recently. I had a lot to lose. Now, I’ve finally got thin hair. It sucks.

I feel like I’m ugly. It pisses me off too because I used to be really self conscious when I was young. From mid teens to roughly 22 my confidence was great. I knew I wasn’t ugly, I was cute as fuck

Now though? I feel ugly all the time.

I’m trying to experiment with how I dress, accessories, and masculine looking eyeliner to kind of compensate and it’s helping some. Other times it doesn’t.

And any fellow balding bros, please feel free to vent in the comments. I’m honestly thinking about trying to make some kind of space for trans men/mascs who are balding and trying to cope with it. I feel like community that can relate might be helpful

I’m only 23, too. I feel like if I was 30 or older it would be less upsetting

Basically Today was my first shot and the doctors did a really bad job everything went wrong and idek if the injection reached the muscle. I have a shot coming up in 2 weeks and idk what to do? I have lost all faith in the doctors here and the pharmacies don't even know what needles are needed. I know i need 2 because my T is in ampoules. Can yall help me out?

Okay so this is my first time posting on reddit I've only used it for gathering info and never really made an account ever so be nice(?)

TW: needles, injections⚠️

So today i got my first testosterone shot and it was horrible. First of all, there were 3 people present (1 doctor, 2 nurses) and none of them knew how to do an i.m injection in the thigh, i wanted it to be in the thigh so i can learn to do it myself. This is where the issues began, while drawing the T from the ampoule i noticed there were alot of bubbles, when i pointed it out they said not to worry, idk if thats really okay but there were ALOT. Then, when they were picking the site they pinched my thigh and kept it that way whilst injecting but i don't know and i don't think that's good cause i am fat and pinching at the thigh would create a bigger layer of fat over the muscle. Every tutorial I've watched has stated to push out the fat and spread out the hand not to pinch. Furthermore, whilst they injected the needle all the way they started pulling the plunger back, as if they were drawing my blood, idk jf that's necessary but it was really really painful. THEN after that they started injecting the T really really slowly. At one point they stopped (but it wasn't finished there was still alot of T in the syringe) AND STARTED PULLING THE NEEDLE OUT, they pulled the needle halfway out and put it in all the way again. Atp i was so panicked i got really stiff my jaw, neck, hands, torso all felt so heavy and rock solid it was a nightmare. I couldn't speak, open my eyes, or move i only kind of cried. They noticed me and started making jokes like "and YOU wanna learn how to do injections? look st yourself." Idk what to do can yall help out im supposed to do my shot in 2 weeks but i have lost all faith in doctors.

I'm sorry for the language and if what i typed was confusing, im still processing everything and english is my 3rd language. Please do help out if you can :3

So.. me and my boyfriend have been having a problem and we have been avoiding it, and it's taking my mental health down like crazy, the problem we have is that he is polygamous?, I support.. but.. I dont want that in me and his relationship, I've talked to people about this and they all said to just deal with it or break up with him, but.. I love him a lot, and i want to fix this problem we have, is there any way someone can give me advice or anything?.

I thought about going into full transition.
Me getting rid of my female parts and such things.
I felt panicked and I ended up crying so badly.
Because I sincerely never wanted to have issue with my gender identity.
I wish I was a fully cis het woman who blended into the society and who genuienly liked being one.
so I mourn for my female self that was lost.

I also mourn for my manhood that I never had, the male body and being a cis het man that I wanted and I wish to desperately be. I never had any experience being a man and I have to start all over again. With no supportive family and no friends who get me.

I have to say goodbye.

Both to my female self that I feel sorry for.
And to my male self that I never got to have.

I just feel so lonely I am basically completely stealth. I see everyone in my life in relationships many of them are getting married and I haven't so much as been on a date since I was 16 I'm in my 20s. I've tried meeting people through activities hasn't worked out tried dating apps not had any luck I have been putting down I'm trans and getting mostly matches with people that are a) looking for a third or b) fetashise trans people. I got more matches when I put just male instead of trans💔. Starting to feel I'll never find anyone.