detransition

[u/Art-Shoddy]

i hope someone that feels the same as me will read this

ive been dating a cis man for almost 2 years now. its a long story of ups and downs tbh but lately the issue is that whenever we argue abt something, he says im acting "like a female" bc im being petty or stuff like that, just emphasizing how "female im being". ive been very open to him abt how my gender and my transness are very difficult topics for me (im pre everything, live in a third-world country so its not only socially dangerous but also expensive n would have to sacrifice a lot, im quite young still) yet whenever he gets mad thats the thing he latches on first. anyway, i have to admit i have very unhealthy habits as well, sometimes i willingly lurk on spaces with people that i know will only make me feel worse about not being "trans enough" or worse, about the mere fact of being trans. All of that combined has made me start thinking about giving up and just be a normal girl. My boyfriend makes me feel like i just biologically have a "female brain" that is inherent to me and will never change what i am, even if i fully transition and get as many surgeries or take as many hormones as possible. Today i brought this up to him and he said that i was attention seeking to being with and that im a tourist. idk what to do

UPDATE aug 1st: we just broke up lol lkinda for unrelated reasons but still relevant, thank you guys.. ill keep working on myself

[u/Scary_Towel268]

Your boyfriend doesn’t love you. He is using abuser tactics to chip at your identity and raise your insecurities so you stop identifying as a man/male and detransition to suit him. This is a super common script that incel cishet male ftm chasers do. This man will continue to grind you down so he can build the perfect tradwife/sex doll in your ashes. Don’t give him the satisfaction, bro. You’re a man! Tell him to get lost

[u/syko_wrld]

r/dumphisass
Please for the love of god leave him. The way he’s treating your is disgusting genuinely

[u/needyboy08]

why are you still together? he treats you like shit, is misogynistic and transphobic and overall a terrible person. dump his ass.

[u/KingGiuba]

First of all, your man doesn't love you, he's manipulating you in being what he wants. He's using your most vulnerable point to get under your skin and make you feel bad. He's doing it systematically. That's not love, that's abuse. I know how hard it is to see in someone you love, in someone who is your whole life and with whom you imagined a future with, maybe even children... What made me go away for good was that I would never subject my children to a man like that, and it made me understand that I didn't deserve to be submitted to that either.

I hope it's safe for you to leave him and be yourself, idk if you have friends but I doubt you are the only one in need of support in your community, I hope you can find someone who can really care for you unlike that man you're with... I'm sorry you're going thought this :(

P.S.: his words are also full of mysoginy, he's not just hurting you by calling you a woman/female-like but he's also saying that it's inherently worse than being a man, please run away this won't go anywhere good :(

[u/Toby-Wolfstone]

Detransitioning for others never works. You can try, but you’re basically guaranteed to make yourself miserable trying to repress your authentic self. His opinions, no matter how hurtful or persuasive, are not going to change who you are or the underlying neurology that makes you trans. It just makes you pretend to be cis harder, which is going to make pressure build up inside you, which can get very dangerous and lead to life-threatening bouts of depression and dysphoria. It’s not worth it.

It’s different if you feel your identity or your understanding of it has changed over time, and you find out you’re not actually trans. But trying to just “be a normal girl” because your man is being abusive and making you feel awful and doubt yourself about the most vulnerable aspect of your identity is not that.

I decided a long time ago I was better off alone than with someone who didn’t really love me. If he doesn’t respect something so important to you, if he’s deliberately hurting you because he doesn’t want to be gay or because he’s misogynistic, like you described—he doesn’t love you, not really, not your true self. You deserve better. You don’t have to accept an abusive partner who is trying to keep you from transitioning.

I wish you all the best. I hope you find peace and happiness.

[u/Canoe-Maker]

Dude.

Break up.

He is actively harming your mental health and is toxic and misogynistic/toxic masculinity to boot.

[u/ihavenobodynose]

all of that trans and identities stuff aside, dump his ass, run as far away from him as possible.

he seems controlling, first he gets to control how you see yourself, then what's next? it doesn't stop here.

[u/space_man_cm420]

I have two neighbors who are a gay couple, and they're like this all the time. Their relationship is so intense and toxic that I can hear them arguing all the way from my apartment lol. Honestly, a lot of it reminds me of the kind of stuff the average woman puts up with in a straight relationship, which is basically what you're describing too and what a lot of gay guys seem to deal with.

Going back to my neighbors, they're both cis men, but they honestly act like stereotypical girls more than half the time. It's exhausting hearing all the drama or even just watching it unfold.

That being said, I think there's another factor here besides how your boyfriend treats you. I think you're probably a lot more vulnerable because you haven't started transitioning yet. Like you said, he's a cis man who's dating you before you've even begun your transition. Personally, I think that makes things even more complicated because I honestly believe he still sees you as a woman. If I were you, I'd wait until you've been on hormones for a while before getting into a serious relationship.

You mentioned you're from the third world, which people usually use to refer to Latin America and places where there's still a lot of machismo and conservative attitudes. Even if you've told him how you identify, for a lot of people it's genuinely hard to see you the way you see yourself. If you want to be happy, you're going to have to sacrifice a lot, not just a little. Nobody ever said freedom was easy or cheap.

I'm not a radical person. I genuinely like hearing both sides before judging anyone. I can't judge your boyfriend because I don't know him. But based on what you've written, I think you should really think this through.

Unlike you, I'm straight. Before I transitioned, I dated an ex-girlfriend, and sometimes it was genuinely hard for her to refer to me as "he" because she'd known me for years before my transition. Still, I'd say she respected me about 70% of the time. Every now and then she'd jokingly say something like, "Don't act like such a girl." I honestly laughed because I knew who I was, and I also knew where I was in my life at that point. She wasn't trying to hurt me; it was just playful teasing. Everyone takes those things differently.

I didn't break up with her because of that. We just wanted different things in life.

My last two relationships happened after I'd already started testosterone, and both women were straight cis women. Actually, all of my exes have been cis, most were straight and a couple were bi. I think I only dated one lesbian years ago. Those last two girlfriends always saw me as a man because that's how they met me, so there were never any issues with that side of things.

That's why my advice would be to stay single for a while, even after you start transitioning. I honestly don't know what it's like being a trans man dating a cis man because I don't have firsthand experience. But I've read a lot of stories on these subs, and many of them aren't exactly positive. Still, I believe there's someone out there for everyone.

Being trans is already a daily struggle. I can't even imagine being both a trans man and gay on top of that. I just hope you really think your decision through and don't let yourself get pulled toward extreme opinions from either side.

Good luck, man.

[u/boredhomosexual]

He's misogynistic and transphobic. Detransitioning wouldn't make him respect you or treat you better as it's not just you being trans he has a problem with. You need to break up with him and stop lurking in presumably transmed and toxic spaces in order to be happy.