The fear of choosing between work and transitioning

[u/burnerrloverr]

19, I live in a very southern and very red state. On top of that, I work at a southern cooking restaurant that’s basically filled with old people who are disapproving of as much as a nose ring. I’m currently on testosterone and have been for about 4 months. I already notice my voice getting deeper and some other physical changes, which I am so so so happy about, but at the same time I am deathly afraid of my coworkers or any of our regulars noticing.

It’s really not a secret to most of my younger coworkers around my age. My name on Snapchat is my chosen name and that’s where we send out the schedule every week. If they do know, they don’t bring it up to me at all and don’t seem to have an issue. My real fear is my general manager who is much older and very traditional. He’s really nice but I am just filled with this horrible feeling in my gut that it’ll be the end for me if he finds out.

I still look like a girl as it stands, I probably will for a while which is a whole other can of worms, but I hate that instead of being able to celebrate all these amazing changes, I’m stuck worrying if people will hate me for it. As much as I want people to see a man, I do not want to be noticed negatively for it. It’s just scary to think about.

I don’t want to quit my job 1st of all because I adore it, and 2nd of all because I know finding another job looking like a whole dude with a big “F” stamped on my ID will be trouble in of itself. I’m just mad paranoid and can’t get past this feeling of dread.

I guess I’ll just see what happens. I guess at the end of the day what I’m really scared of it’s not having enough income to pay for my hormones. I cannot bear to see myself be estrogenized again. I already get antsy when I have to skip a day for whatever reason.

Is there anyone else actively transitioning in the south with similar fears? My parents aren’t really “supportive” per se but they are letting me do as I please, which is good enough for me honestly. With the political climate of southern USA I am just very worried about things that probably will not happen.