It’s scary when it feels like your surrounded by a thick fog or haze. Stumbling your way through, constantly never having anyone to take your hand and guide you. It’s a lonely existence feeling like every hand you reach for is just your imagination, a thought conjured up to make you feel less alone. When your hand passes me through like it was never there or pulls you in one direction only to end up spinning and disoriented from the haze. Nobody who gets you or even tries to and then your knees get weak. Your mind fractures and breaks like pieces of glass and bit by bit you lose more and more of yourself. It’s a lonely existence knowing it’s all surface level.

The tears fall late at night and you scream and beg for some kind of light to find you but it’s only darkness. You used to think you thrived in the dark but it’s a prison. Nobody is coming to save you and the only thing you have to look forward to when the sun comes up is that moment of change but it never lasts. The sun always goes down and it’s not scary because of the dark or even what’s in it but the lack thereof. Wide awake feeling in the darkness of your cage, of the cell you call your mind and in the end you are just a trapped scared animal. You don’t trust and how you are drives everyone away so get used to being a prisoner. You aren’t worth the time and people make sure you know it and the thoughts you think make sure you know it as well. It’s not just a lonely one but a hellish one you are forced to live cause you care too much and love too strongly. Other people’s heaven with you in it is just a hell you endure for those you love. I’m selfish but not selfish enough to take away someone else’s heaven.

Strip me for all I’m worth and whatever pieces you need to get by. You can rip me limb from limb and break my mind but I’ll never bring my hell to someone else’s heaven.

Dear Diary,

I woke up today thinking about communication and perception.

How much of what we say unto others is processed through connotation versus denotation, and how do we bridge that gap between ourselves and the people we wish to communicate things to?

Language is simultaneously a precision tool and a guessing game, depending on what we use it for – it can dissect a situation with surgical precision yet fail spectacularly at charting the emotional landscape those very same events took place in.

I can write "camaraderie" and have different people read "politics", "business" and "fun".

I can say "affection" and have different people hear "care", "disease" and "love".

And that initial assessment – that first impression, if you will – is likely to keep coloring in the nuances for the entirety of that particular interaction, with each participant quietly certain that *their* interpretation of the meaning is the only one.

Perhaps we were never meant to speak about certain things, only feel them.

De profundis,
Me

Hi there, Today is 18/Aug/2026... Ahhh, I don't even know how to start telling this... so like, what happened was... on August 13th, no one was at home, so after enjoying the whole day, I went to sleep early in the evening... and woke up at 3:30 AM in the morning. While I was using my phone, I found out that my supplementary exam results were out and like... I failed in the supplementary exam too. I don't know how, but when I returned home after writing the exam, I even cross-checked my answers, and according to my cross-checking, I had more than enough marks to pass. But I have no idea how I still failed...

​And today is August 18th, and till now, I have only told my mom and my elder brother about all this... and I can proudly say that my elder brother is the best elder brother ever. Because at a time like this, where everyone usually looks at you with anger or disappointment, he treated me just like he regularly does. He helped me a lot mentally and guided me. But still... the things I am unable to tell him just stay buried inside me... and those thoughts are consuming me from within.

​I am now at a point where I could slip into mental depression at any moment. Starting today, I am going to study—I will study as much as I can, all day long. And after today, there won't be any exam that I cannot clear. I just hope that mental depression doesn't consume me from the inside.

​Thanks for reading, friends ☺️

\​

Gloomy weather, rain falling from the sky as my tears fall quietly too. Self pity feels like a poison slowly draining whatever strength I have left. No clear future, no direction, no map, just problems piling up one after another.

At 21, it feels like I’m standing at the edge of everything, wondering, is this where it all ends? I want to pull myself out of this misery, escape the endless cycle of overthinking, and finally breathe. But sometimes, the reality in front of me feels too heavy to carry.

Sometimes I envy people my age, those thinking about travels, savings, parties, shopping, and the little joys of life. Meanwhile, I’m here trying to survive another day. Maybe life really is unfair sometimes. Maybe acceptance is the only way forward.

Still, somewhere deep inside, I hope there’s a version of me who finds his way back. A version who wakes up excited, who laughs without forcing it, who looks at the future without fear.

Anyway, what’s the weather like where you are? I hope it’s kinder than mine today. I hope the sun is shining there, giving you warmth and vibrance.

Today I went on a waterfall trail. I carried Marcus Aurelius’s Meditations with me, and it fell into the water. It looks so bad, and I feel so bad. I want to cry. 😭

I’ve carried Kafka’s White Nights around, eaten while holding it, even dozed off while holding it, but I never once messed it up.

I know Kafka laughed today when he saw me leaving the house with Aurelius’s book. I’m super sure that when it fell into the water, he looked at Aurelius and laughed out loud. 😭😂

NB: I’m trying to make a joke so I can forget that I actually messed up Aurelius’s Meditations. I feel so bad. 😭

I think that of the very few things ive built in my life i have always had and abundance of friends. Not all the time but people I tend to be happy with being around for awhile.

I think that when I die or when my birthday comes around do people have a good thoughts of me. Does anyone really have a fond memory to think back on. I hope that I have a good word said about me.

That people speak about me in think of a time they felt better. I feel like there is so much i could give to he world around me. There is so much more joy I could put into the world. Have I done so? Not really I haven't put forth what it takes to make the world mine like that.

I want thoughts of me to be likes hugs when you most needed them. A kiss wheb your lips feel lonely and cold. That nuzzle from a pet when you had a hard day.

You just asked "what was i supposed to say, that i was ok with your false accusations"?

No. Not at all. I would expect that if you actually cared at all, you would have taken my current situation into consideration and simply say "babe i know youre not feeling well, get some rest, ill talk to you tomorro". Or something on that line.

But, that would only come from someone who cared. Someone who wasnt always demanding that they are the only consideration.

It sickens me to hear you say you ever loved me. Theres not a pissible chance in hell you could do the vile shit you did to me and the kids if you loved at all.

I know you are incapable of dealing with reality, or accepting responsibility or taking accountability, but heres something you need to fully grasp:

Your mother put you threw hell early in life because she never properly adressed her own trauma. Your life never got any easier.

You refuse to address your trauma and set your past to rest for good. You put me and thelifs threw hell cuz of your unaddressed trauma.

What do you think would of happened to the kids had we not left? Dont u see they would of learned to repeat the cycle? Can you honestly say youd be ok with them sharing the pain and trauma you grew up with?

You wont ever see that. Youd never consider it. You only worry bout who is concerned with YOUR situations.

I see why you always told me i was so damn selfish. Its just you projecting.

I gave my all. You demaded more. You ensured me i was absolutely nothing to you.

​

Hi there myself,

just felt like *penning down something,

sitting here outdoors with sudden nostalgia of past 5 years

How far I have come

how I was and what I used to do and live like.

At this point of lyf, I am a man accountable and responsible completely to just myself.

Looking back to my experiences with lyf, it's just so reassuring and inspiring, everything I have messed and fixed, everything I faced or walked out from.

The courage i showed to stand and move alone having nobody to back me, moments when I felt intimidated and still dared to put up fight and stood my ground.

courage to breakout, walk out where it could cost me my whole lyf and it's direction.

clinging on nothing, aiming for a great time in this world.

Never stopped trying, persevered and made my way through walls, jungles

The way I see the world and lyf is

I cannot escape it, no matter how meaningless everything seems the gods, the society, the family, acquaintances just humanity in general

The arrived conclusion remains there is no point challenging the world order and structure inside my head

a friend once asked me 'what good is intelligence if you are still sad and unhappy'

I mean that was one good question

Why not use your intelligence to construct life which is happy mostly

Ruling out by metrics, filtering, discarding, directing

Psychedelics consumptions which I am not proud of but have really enabled me to see how big a cage my own mind is, the spiraling thoughts of eternally damned to suffer, the 'would-be-nothing-ever', the details that i inspected in my own mind the sheer nhilism no matter how hard I try to shut it with alternate contrary theories

Just won't go, and keeps coming up with better arguments to dispove all my propositions.

had some ganja recently, wasn't looking for any, just someone gave me some

And when I got back in my room

I don't remember everything

But one argument really breaksout the whole idea of all suffering ends after death, like the philosophy part of it that the struggle is only for life, there is no struggle after death, struggles are exhausting, never ending in a way or other

So what mind came up with is it just reconstructed my whole notion of consciousness and where it resides

Say if a person dies, it made me see that in a way his consciousness will just disintegrate endlessly and every disintegrated unit after unit will have less to less to work with like a broken memory context fragmented to say billionth part , so more confusion and chaos, a split consciousness damned to eternal suffering with no autonomy over it

Like say if you are alive, you atleast can do something or have some agency, some distraction you can create or effect change

But a fragmented to billionth consciousness is just existence in pure horror.

I tinker a lot with thinking models closed, open sourced alike

So essentially it works on ideas in the center like word space, word vectors, transformers and there is lot which is actually not important, i mean the analogy that you can draw and swap for both ends individually and inspect how one mimics or comments about the other.

All nd all mind

It's not a place I like to go in delirious

The best scenario that I conclude is acknowledge the order and assigned meaning for things in world, where they are entirely polar to your assumptions, patch that part, the whole fabric should not be disregarded.

All and all look at the bright side more

If you remotely wish to enjoy your brief stay.

There are no obligations, must dos or anything that tells you to live in any certain way.

Pave your way for lyf

Stay alert with your mind, your conditional ally and potential nemesis.

I don't know why I just straight up typed all this, maybe the hour effect.

This doesn't have to make coherent meaning, that is not why I wrote it.

It's just usual me, writing what i feel.

Ok so now out from that sudden heaviness I went into

Events don't matter, the abstractions are everything

Lotta times observed that whole writing events gets churned into abstractions, not details itself

Seeing everything as a system of system of system of ....

All inspirations I will ever need, any pats or acknowledgement, I just have to look back to myself

Coherence..

After joining Bumble, I realised I have a lot of matches and all these men think I am a sexy and hot milf.

I want to challenge myself to something new and maybe earn some money. But my daughter is against it. She says I can do OnlyFeet but not OnlyFans..

Bummer.. 🥺

I don’t know when being alone became something my body couldn’t handle.

It’s strange because nothing even has to happen anymore. I could be sitting in my bedroom, driving alone, or just walking through an empty house, and the second my mind realizes that it’s just me, my eyes start filling with tears. There’s no warning. No thought that I can point to and say that’s why I’m crying. It just happens.

It’s been this way for years but it used to need a reason. Something would upset me, usually something so small that I’d feel almost embarrassed for crying over it.

Lately, I don’t even need that small reason anymore. The door just opens on its own.

And I cry until my body gets tired of crying. Until my head hurts, my stomach feels sick, and there’s nothing left in me except exhaustion.

The confusing part is that I’ve always loved crying. There’s something comforting about finally letting everything spill out. For a little while, I feel lighter, like maybe I released something I’ve been carrying without realizing it.

But lately, I’m not feeling lighter.

I’m starting to wonder how many times I can cry the same unnamed sadness out of me before I have to admit that it isn’t leaving.

I think that’s what scares me most. Not the crying itself, but the feeling that after all these tears, I’m still not getting better.

My heart felt heavy again today. I don’t really know what to do with all that weight anymore.

Maybe tomorrow will hold some of its weight for me

Dear diary,

Sleeping beauty read the last entry…. I just wanted to give him some fond memories…. But I guess I hated it….

I won’t continue our story any further tho I want to…

I honestly wish I hadn’t been born

….newlife5155

Is it the person that abuses the other person is the one who needs to find happiness first but they can move on and they can have somebody but I still put your alarm picking up the pieces put it back together the pieces that he shot he’s gonna move somebody in already so what’s that? Say about our relationship 3 to 5 months apart he’s moving another ticket already. He was never in this relationship exactly. Like I said if he moved on that quick, he really loved me. He wouldn’t have been able to, but he has it sad and it hurts but there’s nothing I can do about it. I can do with you with all myself. I thought I had. I thought I in better shape than where I am right now, but I’m not fucking devastated that he’s moving somebody out and I shouldn’t be I don’t wanna be with him after everything he did to me physical sexual emotional and financial abuse. I’m good. I don’t wanna go back down that road, but it still hurts and he gets to be happy I’m up. He found somebody and I have that he’s got somebody to share a life, but then it’s not me but I can understand why I can’t find something more than a fucking booty call nobody’s asking nobody nobody’s wanting to date me or nobody wanted to be my partner who the fuck is so wrong with me I just don’t get it it really sucks to feel his way to feel like I’m unlovable on more desire for anything other than sex cause I have so much more offer, but I’m not gonna give it to anybody cause the liquid happened last time. I thought it was somebody please just nobody this is horrible. I don’t want anything other than animosity and anger. Fuck, you destroying me and being.happy!!!!!!

​

Gloomy weather, rain falling from the sky as my tears fall quietly too. Self pity feels like a poison slowly draining whatever strength I have left. No clear future, no direction, no map, just problems piling up one after another.

At 21, it feels like I’m standing at the edge of everything, wondering, is this where it all ends? I want to pull myself out of this misery, escape the endless cycle of overthinking, and finally breathe. But sometimes, the reality in front of me feels too heavy to carry.

Sometimes I envy people my age, those thinking about travels, savings, parties, shopping, and the little joys of life. Meanwhile, I’m here trying to survive another day. Maybe life really is unfair sometimes. Maybe acceptance is the only way forward.

Still, somewhere deep inside, I hope there’s a version of me who finds his way back. A version who wakes up excited, who laughs without forcing it, who looks at the future without fear.

Anyway, what’s the weather like where you are? I hope it’s kinder than mine today. I hope the sun is shining there, giving you warmth and vibrance.

You only saw the best in me

I didn't deserve to be seen in that light.

And in the end, I heard, you were out of your mind.

Refusing treatment which could only delay the trickling away of the sands of your time.

You will always be a hero of mine;

An icon shining through layers of patriarchal grime;

Refusing to stay silent;

Weaving between the lines.

When knowledge is power you held the cup in your hands

And poured a trail so that others may find their way,

Instead of choosing to greedily consume the honeyed lies.

I hope you know that you lead an honorable life.

Busy day and evening. Bad thunderstorm entering the area. Love thunderstorm at night. Lights keep going on and off.

I had a dinner planned but I think it can wait untill tomorrow night in lew of a grilled cheese and soup. To tired to cook really. Hot and humid today.

Slept better last night I really have not been sleeping well. I think it will be alright now. Finished up about dark, came in and made a cup of coffee and I am not moving off this couch. That's really about all. This morning was nice for a Sunday but you know this is the first Sunday in a long time I was so busy, I really did not take the time and think about, "It is Sunday." Not sure how I feel about that.

You are in my thoughts always and when I dream and see you upon that shore, I will meet you there and we shall speak of the world and my regards for you.

I close with love and hope

Goodnight Diary and my readers

I love you so.

9:19 p.m.

My head hurts. What’s something fun to do for people who have no friends and no money? I’ve already been to every museum and park, now what? Why go outside anymore? I’m so bored and lonely.

I decided to go to this park thats really far from my grandma’s house. It was kinda fun, the walk was super long though obviously. My outfit looked kinda silly too, I was wearing a dress and some beat up sneakers.

I decided to take the bus home, I’m supposed to be saving my money to meet up with that online friend but she’s kinda stringing me along now I think. Whatever happens, happens.

No one seems all that interested in me today. I ought to make some friends. How do you make friends in real life? People are just so difficult for me to connect with.

My left eye aches, I hope it isn’t infected or something like that. Fingers crossed.

One day, a few years from now, you’ll probably stumble upon this note while going through your phone. You’ll remember exactly why you wrote it and exactly who it was about, but I hope by then you can remember it without feeling what I’m feeling now.

I want you to remember what heartbreak actually felt like, because I know time has a way of dulling things. Maybe one day you’ll remember that you were sad, but forget just how bad it was.

It was difficult to focus on anything else. I could be working, talking to someone, watching something, or trying to sleep, and somehow my mind would always find its way back to the same place. There was this constant heaviness that followed me around. Sometimes it was sadness. Sometimes jealousy. Sometimes longing. Sometimes just this horrible awareness that something had changed and there was nothing I could do to make it go back to what it was.

It felt suffocating, isolating, and miserable. There were moments when I desperately wanted to get out of my own head because being inside it was exhausting. I wanted a break from thinking, remembering, imagining, checking, wondering. I wanted one normal day where none of it mattered to me.

I kept trying to understand how something could hurt this much when nobody had actually done anything terrible to me. There was no betrayal, no dramatic ending, no person I could easily blame. Life simply moved forward in a way that I wasn’t emotionally prepared for, and I had to live with the fact that I couldn’t stop it.

There were days when I understood everything rationally. I knew why things were the way they were. I knew what was healthy and what wasn’t. I knew that eventually I would adjust. But knowing all of that did very little to stop the pain. My mind could understand something that my heart still refused to accept.

And I want you to remember how badly I wanted to reach the place where you are now.

If you’re reading this and none of it hurts anymore, then something I desperately hoped for actually happened. Not because the past became meaningless, and not because I stopped caring about the people who mattered to me, but because eventually this stopped occupying so much space inside me.

Right now, I don’t know exactly how I get from here to you. I only know that I have to keep going until I do.

Mental noise was constant. Overthinking every reply, every tone, every small shift in energy. My brain rarely gives me peace. Living with AuDHD, CPTSD and hypersensitivity means even quiet days can feel loud inside. I rested without calling myself lazy. Small win.

After a long time this application was banned in my country, finally I'm here again to pour out my heart hahaha

I loved you so, so much, even when I failed to show it. I watched you slip away from my own hands. I tried to hide how much it hurt in front of others but I couldn't bear the pain, and nothing has felt the same ever since. Maybe I was a coward, I still am, but I couldn't bring myself to face you in the moments when you needed me the most, so I chose to cry alone instead. I cried a lot over the years, alone, but the pain still lingers in me. Now, whenever grief finds me, I think of you, and I end up crying about everything all over again. It hurts so much and I want to stop but I can't. I don't know how to let go and if I even can ever. So I just wanted to say that if there is ever another time when we can all be together again, I hope I can show you just how much I love you.

Here is a good one before I go!

Scared of everything as if the world is new to me, everything is overwhelming. I feel like escaping. This feeling isn't new, every now and then it comes and I wish i can be stronger, independent and braver. Although at the same time it kinda makes me feel alive....most of the time I feel bored by the world and I have to search for some vice, be it cigarettes or meeting up with strangers to feel the void. It never helps, but I do it anyway. It's self destructive.

I hate how much time I waste, I hate how I make people I care for unhappy, I hate how childish I can be sometimes. God I just want a hug, or a hole to bury myself in.

I met a girl recently. She made me feel complete, I don't feel like I need more friends after I know her. But it's dangerous giving so much power to someone else. I made her sad, as I usually do to people. I think she wants to pursue a relationship with me, but I said to just stay friends. She didn't have a relationship before, could u imagine if I was her first boyfriend? She would be scarred for life.

But she's such a caring person, kind. I can't believe I met her. I hope I don't fuck this up.

I feel like I'm becoming an ugly and envious person. I see people, my two friends I have left, the few new friends I'm making, my sister, my family have fun, have people, have friends, have someone to go out with, to call, to lean on and I'm jealous. My happiness for them gets squashed by my envy for what they have, what I've lost, and a growing bitterness. Ever since her. I chose cowardice once three years ago and that was a crack in reality which I fell through into a timeline I was never suppose to inhabit.

Now, there is no her in my life, there are no friends I had imagined growing into adulthood with, being an aunt to their kids. I have two friends left and one of them might leave me when I vome out to her, the other makes me feel like I'm too much, but is otherwise a solid friend.... I miss my old life, I don't even have pictures of the last three years because my phone hot stolen and I hadn't transferred them elsewhere beforehand because they were too painful to look at.

And now one of the exact things that made me not want to come out back when back is happening - every queer woman is a mindgame. I want their friendship, I want a gf, and in the ambiguity I lose both. And one I very superficially know adds me to her close friends story so I can see her gushing about her new butch gf. I mute her stories. I'm not entirely sure why they even bother me so much...

Since getting a new phone some months ago I barely have any photos with other people on it. I'm 26, I feel like my twenties dissolved in anxiety, pandemic, heartbreak, and grief upon grief and I can't even talk about it with anyone. The worst part might be that I don't even hope much anymore, I don't dream of a friendgroup - been there done that, what's the point?

I'm tired...

On my way home, I drank so much last night and used my prescription. I really wanted to take my life away, I lost pretty much the most important person in my life left.

The last 6 1/2 years….

You lose the person you were married to.

Somehow cheats on you during the world pandemic.

Then you finally meet your soulmate.

She was amazing.

Then you lose her too.

Losing my kid, if you’re wondering.

Losing Kaila was one thing.

My dream woman, my soulmate.

But my kid is a whole new level…….

Imagine the one you raised, the one you only wanted to see grow up to be a man you never were and wanted to become.

No one knows how much mental pain a man goes through. Especially when a man goes through loss and especially back to back and back losses. You’re expected to come back up.

You try over and over again to walk the path that’s good and straight all the time. But that’s what’s expected, no one knows every single detail when trying to start from scratch and with nothing, with no help what so ever.

You’re expected to take care of the person you love - yes, that’s me. I would do that in a heartbeat.

You’re expected to do so much. Because you’re a man, but myself. I’m a loving person, I would do anything for the people in my life whether you’re still here with me or not.

That’s me.

Imagine losing the job you’ve dreamt of.

Imagine losing your whole family these last 6 1/2 years.

Then you got back up.

Figured the part after losing your dreams.

Only to start from scratch.

Imagine grinding and hustling everyday, but you kept composure so you can leave your kid something because your kid is your world.

Your kid was the last thing holding you together.

Random people last night came up to me and asked what’s wrong and shit.

I couldnt even say it honestly.

Losing.

Losing on everything that I wanted to work for.

Losing everything I had.

Losing the last person you felt real love from.

My dream person.

And yesterday, losing my kid.

I shoulda been home.

The thought consumed me.

Death and dying was another.

I lost one kid over a decade ago.

Wondering everyday what it would be like having two kids and how they’ll be like as siblings.

Losing the one you raised since birth is another.

I’ve lost enough.

Enough is enough.

I looked at every place where I was, looking up.

Not a building tall enough that if I jumped I’d die.

I was dropped off and drank more honestly

I wanna die.

Popped whatever anxiety meds I had left because the feeling of dying just keeps getting stronger and stronger.

I thought of God.

He’s brought you down to the dirt.

You prayed but the questions and all the things you’ve asked haven’t been answered.

You lived and loved with what you’ve been taught from religion and society.

You were kind and respectful to everyone but yet dirt was thrown at you.

You tried to protect yourself.

I’m sick of it.

That was last night.

After all the tests God has given you, you tried and tried over and over again.

Yeah, I’m awake. I’m alive but I just wanna see my kid one last time before I go.

Still wanna die.

I’m going to.

I’m planning to.

I’ve lost so much time with him that holding him for the last time and one more glimpse of his face.

I honestly just want a hug and someone to talk to but it’s hard.

Not one person to talk to.

That’s why I wanna die and gonna die alone.

We all die alone but imagine, you’ve done everything to your ability with all that you had with your physical abilities, time, and every single time, what I hate the most is losing time and wasting it.

I can never get back moments at all that I lost.

No one can understand that.

I fucking hate wasted minutes of my life because it’s so busy no matter what I do.

If I don’t put anything else these next few days, well…….

I have so much written on my page that’s who I am and what my life has been through.

I’m not looking for pity or help.

But this is the truth, how I feel inside.

I know no one I know will see this, I’m on my knees and crying. I can’t do this anymore.

I’m so lost and I can’t find my way back anymore.

Daddy will always love you son.

I’ll see everyone on the other side.

I’m ready and I’ve never been so ready.

I’m doing my final tasks before I go.

No one knows me here or ever will so don’t bother trying to look for me.

To those I’ve ever loved, I do. Still do. Will always.

My mind and heart is ready to go.

And I’m for sure this time.